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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Must all palindromes make sense, esne sekam semord, > nilap llats um?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've asked my palindrome pal BOB here to help us answer your } concern. . . } } Orrie: Bob, this year 2002 is itself a palindrome. What }        could we buy to celebrate this year? } BOB:   RACE CAR } } Orrie: What kind? } BOB:   A TOYOTA'S A TOYOTA. } } Orrie: Any special reason? } BOB:   A TOYOTA: RACE FAST, SAFE CAR: A TOYOTA. } } Orrie: Hmm, What if we can't afford a Toyota? } BOB:   BORROW OR ROB. } } Orrie: Loki has a Toyota, didn't pay for it though... } BOB:   HE WON A TOYOTA NOW, EH? } } Orrie: Stole it actually. } BOB:   LIVE NOT ON EVIL DEED, LIVE NOT ON EVIL. } } Orrie: Erm, you just said to ROB though Bob. . . } BOB:   REPEL EVIL AS A LIVE LEPER. } } Orrie: Words to live by, Bob, though unfortunately you may }        find yourself wiser, sadder and poorer for it. } BOB:   SAD? I'M MIDAS! } } Orrie: Really? I thought... } BOB:   PART OF U.S. IS UFO TRAP. } } Orrie: Okay. Well, Erm, thanks for stopping by. } BOB:   XERXES WAS STUNNED! EDEN NUTS SAW SEX, REX! } } Orrie: Zadoc! Can you get in here? And bring a net. } BOB:   YO! BREED DEER, BOY! } } Orrie: And bring a few priests along too. } BOB:   STOP! MURDER US NOT, TONSURED RUMPOTS! } } Orrie: And maybe a Priestess or two as well. } BOB:   SENILE FELINES. } } Orrie: Why, oh why do I get myself into these messes? } BOB:   MR. OWL ATE MY METAL WORM. } } Orrie. Hmm. . . mmH.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, he that is so helpful that he can propel little > old ladies across the road with his merest glance: > > Help!  I think I've accidentally cloned myself, and I need your wise > advice on how to tidy up the mess before anyone finds out.  Most > specifically if I shoot my clone, will it be murder or suicide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't the Oracle just answer this for you. . . } } Oh. Wait I minute. } } Erm, you might want to go into hiding like RIGHT NOW.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most circular oracle, > > My palms are in prayer to thee...... > > What is time management? > How can I manage my time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    .>> Time Management -- A Brief History <<. } } Back at the dawn of human civilization Time Management } was easy. They had but one unit of time. The Day. } } [ A cave in what is now southern Germany. A huge browed }   man steps out of the cave and shakes a spiky club at }   the dawn on the eastern horizon. ] } } Og: SUN UP! } } [ From inside a female voice is heard. ] } } Ogwa: Go kill Mam-OTH. Back sun down. } } Og: Og look sun! Back sun down. } }                    .>>--<<. } } Then the Babylonians went and invented months and years } and hours and minutes and the long forgotten splortple. } No longer could just anyone manage time. A priestly } class evolved. } } [ High atop a ziggurat sits a blue squat temple in it }   sit two very high priests. ] } } EonD'AViZ: Dude, this is some good bud. Oh wow, look }            at the calendar. Tomorrow we gotta go out }            and tell those grubby peasants to plant }            more squash. } } ArkM'ages: Dude. } }                     .>>--<<. } } Time marched on, managed all the while, especially by } the Romans that whipped time into submission with calends } and ides and drips of water and dropping sands. And all } was good. But with the Dark Ages time got loose and ran } rampant for who knows how long, for time had gone feral, } expect for small domestic bits of time keep in monasteries } by tonsured monks. } } [ A dreary, muddy, festering medieval village market. A }   smelly peasant is trying to sell a young monk a goat's }   head on a stick. ] } } Monk: Yuck. How long has ye goat been dead? } } Peasant: Every since it's head fell off. } } Monk; True, but say when did that happen? } } Peasant: When it died. } } Monk: Verily, but did that happen yesterday, or last }       fortnight, or two months ago or what? } } Peasant: When I struck it with yon axe. } } Monk: Give me strength! } }                      .>>--<<. } } It wasn't until The Industrial Revolution that time was } brought back into line. } } [ A slum in what is now southern England. A huge browed }   man steps out of his hovel and shakes a hairy fist at }   howling factory whistle in the distance. ] } } Mr. O'G: My shift it be a startin'. } } [ From inside a female voice is heard. ] } } Ms. O'G: Go to work then already. And don't be a stoppin' }          at the pub on the way home. } } Mr. O'G: Aye, I'll be back. } }                      .>>--<<. } } Now a days time is divided into nanoseconds and CPU cycles } and highly valuable prime time and the dreaded down time } and things have to be done in no time and near black holes } and at high speeds time gets all kind of elastic like the } bands at the top of Rosie O'Donnell's sweat pants and only } highly trained geeks and keep track of it all. } } [ A sub-basement in a dreary University in the middle of }   some dull state on the edge of The Great Plains. ] } } Admin #1: Dude, check out my desktop countdown clock }           keeping track of the days until "The Two }           Towers" comes out. } } Admin #2: Righteous, like but I hacked emacs to show }           that -plus- the Mayan Long Count. } } Admin #1: Dude. } }                       .>>--<<. } } What will the future hold for time? Only time can tell, } and it's not talking. Yet. } } You owe the Oracle a Felix the Cat wall clock.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that carrots will let you see in the dark?  I need > to see in the dark so I can check up on my husband.  I think > he's doing things in the dark.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, carrots will help you see in the dark.  Simply gather the } following items: } } - One large carrot (raw) } - One hamster wheel } - One rodent (*) } - Large thin elastic band } - One bicycle dynamo } - Two lengths of plastic coated wire } - One low-voltage light bulb } } And assemble according to the diagram below: } }                    =========    Wheel  \    _ }   Elastic        // \      /\\+ rodent  \||/ \ }    band     __--//   \    /  \\ /        \/ }       \ __--   //     \  /    \\        /  \ }     __--      ||______ o_______||       |- | }    /  \       || \  __/_\_O  O ||       | -|  Carrot }   /\__/____    \\ \/ /   \ oo  //       |  |   lure }  /      \   --__\\ \/____/\>o<//        |- | } | Dynamo |       \\//|  /| \ //         | -| } |________|         ==========            \/ }    \   \                 ____ }     \   \____       __|_/    \ }      \       ------|__|_ bulb | }       \_____________/ | \____/ }      / }  Wires } } (*) If you have trouble finding a suitable rodent, it sounds like your }     husband may be a suitable substitute. } } You owe the Oracle a w**dch*ck powered furnace.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose toenail clippings contains more knowledge than I > could ever dream to aquire, please aid me. > > My wife and I are about to buy our first house, but how will we know > when we find the *right* house?  I mean, this isn't a choice to make > lightly; these days so many house purchases end in early sales or > defaulted mortgages.  I've liked lots of houses before, and this one > seems great - the best so far. Does that mean it's right for us?  We > don't want to end up trapped with the wrong house for the rest of our > lives (or at least the next 10 years).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when } you go to settlement on your new home: } } 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's }     garden." } } 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the }     ancient Indian burial ground." } } 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but }     I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet }     of it." } } 4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted." } } 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not }     'killer' bees." } } 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it }     would reach as far back as your property." } } 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the }     presence of radioactivity." } } 8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice }     sessions right next door?" } } 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never }     actually able to prove it was murder." } } 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dandy Oracle, he who is thousands of orders of > magnitude better than Slim Jims: > > Suppose you are in a room with two windows and one door. > The windows have iron bars 2 inches apart on them. The door > is securely bolted from the outside. There are two tables, > a newspaper, and a lamp in the room. How do you get out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a nondescript room.  There are windows in the east and west } walls, and a door on the north wall.  There is a small table, and a } large table here.  On the small table rests a newspaper, and a lamp } burns brightly on the large table } } >N } } The north door is bolted from the outside } } >X north door } } The north door is made of some sort of metal, and rests flush with the } wall. The hinges must be on the other side. } } >X window } } Which window do you mean, the east window, or the west window? } } >west window } } The west window is covered by thick bars approximately two inches } apart. } } >X east window } } The east window is covered by thick bars approximately two inches } apart. } } >bend bars } } I don't know how to bend the bars } } >break bars } } What do you want to break the bars with? } } >with fists } } You pound against the metal bars, but only succeed in bruising } yourself. } } >burn newspaper } } You are terribly afraid of the rolled-up newspaper! } } >break bars with lamp } } You can't seem to do that. } } >break bars with newspaper } } You are terribly afraid of the rolled-up newspaper! } } >break door with bars } } You can't seem to do that. } } >help } } FLY v1.1 } By Rybread Celsius } (c)2001 } All rights reserved } Give me a beer } } welcome to the world of the housefly.  In this simulation of a common } housefly, you will experience what it'slike to be in a boring static } environment... but as a FLY!  your goal is to leave the room, good } luck! } } >Fly out window } } You fly out the window } } Your score goes up by 100 pointys } } *** CONGRATULATIONS *** } } You have  won the game, with 100 pointys! } } Look for more Rybread Celcius games, available at ftp.gmd.de/ifarchive. } } (R)esart, (R)estore, o(R)Quit? } } You owe the Oracle two years of archives of rec.arts.int-fiction.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most superior and pappy, > > Why do women want fake breasts anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To impress fake men.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Are dung beetles magic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see: } }   > X dung beetle } }   The dung beetle is approximately 1/2 cm. long and a mottled brown in }   color.  It is perched on a small ball of hyena dung. } }   > Pick up dung beetle } }   Taken. } }   > Turn over dung beetle } }   The dung beetle is now upside down.  Its legs are waving frantically }   in the air, and the ball of hyena dung has fallen on your shirt.  One }   of the dung beetle's front legs seems slightly longer than the others. } }   > X dung beetle with magnifying glass } }   Through the glass, you can see that the dung beetle is holding a tiny }   magic wand. } }   > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle } }   The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold. } }   > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle with tweezers } }   The dung beetle struggles mightily, but with your superior strength }   you wrest the wand from its grasp. } }   > Wave tiny magic wand } }   The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold. } }   > Wave tiny magic wand with tweezers } }   You are buried in hyena dung. } } Yes, it looks like the dung beetle had all the magic it needed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose brain is so large the finding hats to fit is a chore... > > What's your IQ ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My IQ is the ratio of my mental age to my chronological age, multiplied } by one hundred and then rounded to the nearest integer. } } Chronologically, I'm approximately three million years old, as my } embryonic essence was created with the first glimmer of consciousness } in the human mind. However, as I have all knowledge that currently } exists anywhere that is anyplace, my mental age is approximately } fourteen billion years, the age of the universe. As a result, my IQ is } 4721. } } You might find it easier to fathom this if I place it in comparison: } } God: [that little sideways eight symbol that those of us In The Know }       like to call a lemniscate] } } The Usenet Oracle: 4721 } } Deep Thought: 3000 } } Garha'xt Vendleheim (You don't know him. He's this guy from the west }  second spiral arm that I sometimes play checkers with.): 1680 } } Those Big-Headed Aliens From Star Trek: 600 } } The Oracle's Little Finger (left): 210 } } Albert Einstein: 169 } } Lisa: 152 } } An Average Oracular Priest: 140 } } An Average Digested Supplicant: 128 } } George Burns: 119 } } Homer (the Greek one): 110 } } Benjamin Garret, 43 Evergreen St, Fox Hollow, NC: 100 } } Lassie: 93 } } Brittany Spears: 81 } } Zadok: 76 } } Timmy Martin (owner of Lassie): 62 } } Homer (the other one): 43 } } An Average Hotmail Supplicant: 36 } } The Oracle's Toenail Clippings: 24 } } A Piece of Wood: 3 } } You owe the Oracle a new scale. It's embarrassing to appear on the same } list as some of these people.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is it too late to learn to play the piano?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Goodness no! And thank heavens you're here. The piano } called in sick and the curtain rises in an hour. Here } are your lines, they mercifully short. In act four the } main character will tickle your ivories randomly as his } wife tells him he has lost his will and direction in } life. All you have to do is make random piano sounds. } DO NOT ham it up with 'Chopsticks' or the like, it's } suppose to be random to reflect his random nature, get } it? Other than that you just sit there looking grand. } } You owe the Oracle your autograph.