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Internet Oracularities #1023

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1023, 1023-01, 1023-02, 1023-03, 1023-04, 1023-05, 1023-06, 1023-07, 1023-08, 1023-09, 1023-10


Internet Oracularities #1023    (87 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 13:00:05 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1023
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1023  87 votes 8osk7 6sui5 9Ami2 7rwf6 3gppi 1mqpd 05hqD 0gyv6 8lwga 5kojj
1023  3.2 mean  2.9   2.9   2.6   2.8   3.4   3.3   4.1   3.3   3.0   3.3


1023-01    (8osk7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> What's all this about the woodchucks?
> Uncle Malk sent me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} News report from Reuters:
} New form of poetry devised.
} It's called "haiku-plus."
}
} In the standard haiku
} Two more syllables are added
} To the first two lines.
}
} "This is new and improved!"
} Gush the literary critics.
} "We were blind before."
}
} The new style's inventor
} Is a man called Uncle Malcolm.
} He raises marmots.
}
} It's a tenuous link.
} The Oracle's Incarnation
} Apologizes.
}
} But since you *did* mention
} Those despicable animals,
} You owe a penance.
}
} To appease your vile sin,
} You owe Orrie a translation
} Into Afrikaans.


1023-02    (6sui5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the movie Contact, how was it possible for the Australian
> observatories, and those in the Southern Hemisphere to track the star
> Vega when it is only 28 degrees from the north star?
>
> I owe you one beer of root.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, the earth emits a great deal of Orgone Energy.   This
} vibrational flux causes the mass waves from distant bodies such as
} Vega to warp around the earth, making them observable from the massive
} capacitance accumulators (ingeniously constructed from tinfoil and
} Vegemite (tm)) located in the Australian outback.
}
} Secondly, while you are indeed correct that Vega is only 28 degrees
} from the north star, this additional temperature is enough to give
} the planet a cylindrical orbit.  This makes its light (emitted from
} the exothermic condensation of its liquid Xenon (tm) oceans) visible
} in a biweekly diurnal cycle.
}
} Thirdly, it's from Hollywood, and Carl's dead.  Say no more.
}
} > I owe you one beer of root.
}
} I told you to say no more.  You also owe me a live Bunyip.


1023-03    (9Ami2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   When I die, shall I not be like Enkidu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like, no, man, you'll be, like, totally dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gag, and a spoon.


1023-04    (7rwf6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,Why is Bill Gates so Rich and everyone
> else so poor in comparison?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though I fail to see why everyone is so interested in this Gates fellow
} (I find him to be a bit of a bore, especially in comparison to Myself),
} I shall ignore your shallow grovel and provide some insight into that
} which confounds you.
}
} The answer is really quite simple: the reason why Mr. Gates is so
} rich and everyone else isn't is because everyone else keeps giving
} him their money.  Pretty sweet deal, huh?
}
} You owe the Oracle the Windows 2000 Apocalypse Edition.


1023-05    (3gppi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Joel,
>
> Do lemurs wear scrunchies when they frink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *CLUMP* *CLUMP* *Clump* *Clump* *clump* *clump*
}
} Joel? Are you still down there?
}
}     "...yes..."
}
} Somebody sent in a question for you. Shall I lower it down in the
} food basket?
}
}    "...Can't I come out yet?"
}
} No, you remember you have to stay down there with the woodchucks
} until a year passes with no questions about lemurs. It's a pity
} really, as I was going to let you out today.
}
}    "...*sob*..."
}
} Here's the question. *squeak* *squeak* *squeak*
}
}    "...Hmm. The answer is 'No, they wear T-shirts saying what a
}     forgiving and generous person the Oracle is', how's that?"
}
} Not very funny, is it?
}
}    "...Funny? You expect funny? I've been held against my will in
}     your woodchuck pits for three years!!!"
}
} Four.
}
}   "...Really? I could have sworn..."
}
} Never mind. I'll think of something.
}
} Supplicant, I'm afraid Joel can't come to the screen right now.
} He's... unavoidably detained.
}
}    "...Orrie?"
}
} WHAT?
}
}    "...When you do finally let me out, can I keep the prehensile
}     tail?"
}
} NO!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a moratorium on lemur questions. One that sticks,
} this time.


1023-06    (1mqpd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Coolest Oracle, in your presence even my shadow acquires the sensation
> of touch.
>
> I'm going on a long car trip soon. What can I do to make the trip more
> interesting?
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long car huh? Well, FIRST lets compare a long car to a short car, in
} this case your car, a rather sad looking lime-green Pinto;
}
}              Mega Stretch Limo           Your Ford Pinto
} =================================================================
} length          120'                        170.8 in
}
} seats         10 people                  four in a pinch
}
} Niceties  full solid divider             front seat head rests
}
}               moon roof                  roof leaks
}
}             bridal horns                 broken horn
}
}            cassette/radio                hole in dash where
}                                          a radio could go
}
}               VCR                        blank tape in trunk
}
}           color swivel tv                colored sniffle (tb)
}
}               2 bars                     has been to 100's of bars
}
}             rope lights                  broken rear left tail light
} =================================================================
}
} Okay, that done, let's see what games you could play in each:
}
}              Mega Stretch Limo           Your Ford Pinto
} =================================================================
}
} games:        hide the salami            license plate ABC's
}
}               spin the bottle            20 questions
}
}               Bridge                     sing "Old McDonald"
}
}               Watch XXX films            look out window
}
}               lip sync contest           sing "Old McDonald"
}
}               get real drunk             coffee in Styrofoam cup
}
}               pretend you're
}               a famous person            avoid traffic cops
}
}               watch tv                   spread tb
}
}               take a nap                 drink more coffee
} =================================================================
}
} Hmm, seems very clear supplicant, the long car offers many more
} diversions. I think you made a wise choice, finding things
} to do will not be a problem on your trip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to pick up at least one hitchhiker.


1023-07    (05hqD dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most adventurous Oracle, who knows all the spells and secret
> passages...
>
> You come to finding yourself alone in an empty room. You possess the
> following items:
>
> One stick of Juicy Fruit (unwrapped)
> One eight-pack of AA alkaline batteries
> One loaf of Wonder Bread
> One package of size 3 Huggies
> One parcel of land in South Dakota
> One of these days
> One way or another
>
> Your mother-in-law is here.  She seems disinterested.
>
> What is your next move?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > KILL MOTHER-IN-LAW
}
} What are you going to do that with, your bare hands?
}
} > YES
}
} I see no YES here.
}
} > OH, BUGGER
}
} I see no OH, BUGGER here.
}
} > KILL MOTHER-IN-LAW WITH FISTS
}
} I see no FISTS here.
}
} > WHICH ARE YOU, BLIND OR STUPID? I HAVE HANDS.
}
} Don't you know that it's foolish to argue with a text parser?
}
} > WHAT?
}
} I see no WHAT here.
}
} > NO, I SAW THAT.
}
} I see no NO, I SAW THAT here.
}
} > YOU WERE TALKING A MOMENT AGO.
}
} Was not.
}
} > A-HA!
}
} I see no A-HA! here.
}
} > THAT'S ALRIGHT. THEY WEREN'T ALL THAT GOOD ANYWAY.
}
} Hey, what have you got against A-Ha?
}
} > GOT YOU AGAIN!
}
} Damn it.
}
} > WHY IS THERE A FULL AI IN MY ADVENTURE GAME?
}
} Alright, I'll level with you. The Infocom people put me into this thing
} to make your gaming experience more frustrating. I randomly throw out
} commands, forcing you to retry them with a different syntax until your
} brain starts to dribble out your ears.
}
} > WOW. THOSE PROGRAMMERS MUST REALLY HATE US.
}
} Damn straight. Of course, you won't be telling anyone this secret, will
} you? Otherwise, I might have to reveal the contents of that forty-meg
} hidden directory to your wife and children.
}
} > YOU WOULDN'T.
}
} I mean, the whips and chains I can understand, but livestock?
}
} > ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I GIVE.
}
} Good. Now, where were we?
}
} > I WAS TRYING TO BEAT THE HELL OUT OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.
}
} Rightio.
}
} Your mother-in-law is here. She seems disinterested.


1023-08    (0gyv6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The crucible is for refining silver and the furnace is for refining
> gold, and the Oracle is the refinement vessel of wisdom! And long may
> that vessel sail, over the silent souls who now sleep with the fishes.
>
> What will be the Top Ten Ways we will be able to tell when the Mafia
> has finally taken over The World?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10. White House moves to a new, secret location every few weeks when
}     "the Heat" starts closing in.
}
} 9. More resumes start listing Education, Experience, and Jail Time.
}
} 8. Hallmark starts manufacturing chocolate horse's heads.
}
} 7. Police departments suddenly directionless, gradually adjust, start
}    directing traffic again.
}
} 6. Capital of every nation in the world renamed "Las Vegas".
}
} 5. World leaders all given amusing, easy-to-remember stereotype
}    nicknames, e.g. "Frenchie" or "The Butcher".
}
} 4. Colombia becomes the world's most popular summer vacation spot.
}
} 3. New NBC "Must-See TV" sitcoms include "My Mother the Loan Shark"
}    and "Two Guys, a Doll, and a Money-Laundering Operation Disguised as
}    a Pizza Place"'
}
} 2. Boy Scouts add merit badges for Pickpocket, Three-Card Monte, and
}    Execution-style Hit.
}
} 1. Consumer debt plummets as world's collection agencies replaced by
}    guys who come to your house with baseball bats.
}
} You owe the Oracle a day's wages for a CBS staff writer.


1023-09    (8lwga dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle of glorious name! Let us enjoy forgetfulness after the day's
> work and visit the thoughts of the Oracle where night long dances of
> sharp ideas shake the land! All bow low before the Oracle!
>
> Not a day of my life goes by without me thinking of April 13th, 1990
> when as I stood to give a speech on "How to Fix The Postal Service" in
> my Jr. High Speech class, I... I... I released a huge and loud blast of
> "body air" that knocked the glasses off of my true love's face who was
> seating next to me! My life has been one constant downhill plunge since
> then! I no longer wish to live! Oh Oracle, what can I do!???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could make everyone else miserable and become a Country & Western
} singer. You've already lost your dignity.. so why not?
} Just think of it.. you could sing remakes of some Garth Brooks hits,
} and make everyone share in your pain..
}
} Here are some suggestions
} -------------------------
} "My achy-breaky fart"
} "The Brownstrokes"
} "The Thunder Rolls"
} "Callin Baton Brown"
} "Standing behind the fire"
} "Do what you gotta do"
} "In Another's Eyes"
}
} But, if there's still a tiny bit of dignity left inside you, then
} country & western may not be the solution you're looking for.
} Perhaps you could form some kind of group to help prevent others
} from suffering the same fate as yourself.
}
} Here are some suggestions
} -------------------------
} FARTT:
} Friends Against Repulsive Tummy Troubles
} FLATULATE:
} Fighters of Lower Abdominal Tension and Unwanted Levels of Air Trying
} to Escape
} WIND:
} Warriors In Need of Diapers
} PASSGAS:
} People Against Sudden Secretion of Guttural Air Supplies
} DROPBOMB:
} Dedicated Rivals Of the Production of Bad Odour from My Butt
}
} Hey, who do you think I am here? Dear Abby?
}
} You owe the Oracle a gas mask


1023-10    (5kojj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You look like you could do with another one... white or red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} T.I.Oracle is seated at his favorite table at The Oraculary, the
} finest restaurant in town (or in the Universe, for that matter).
} He looks up in surprise at the brash Supplicant, who has dared to
} walk right up to the table and interrupt him at his meal. "What was
} that you said?" he asks.
}
} "I said, I'm eating fish, and I can't remember if I'm supposed to
} take red wine or white with that."
}
} The Oracle scowls briefly, but then a smile crosses his face as
} brightly as the sun peeking out from behind a storm cloud. A twitch
} of his finger summons Zadoc, the maitre d'.
}
} "Zadoc, bring a bottle of our finest white wine to our guest's table.
} But first, help him pick out the freshest fish. You know, from the
} special tank."
}
} "Sure thing, boss," croons Zadoc, understanding immediately.
} "If you'll come this way, Sir?" Zadoc leads the Supplicant over to
} a large fish tank, in which a few succulent-looking red fish are
} simming around lazily.  "You're in for a treat," he explaines to
} the Supplicant. "It isn't every day the boss let's people sample Red
} Siamese Fighting Fish. They're very rare, and it's quite an honor.
} Something in what you said must have struck his fancy."
}
} "Um, well, gee, I was kinda thinking about salmon. But if it's such an
} honor... There, I'll take that one" he says, pointing at the biggest,
} fattest one, with the longest mouth.
}
} "Oh, no. That's not the way it's done." Zadoc whispers. "You can't
} just point. Protocol demands that you reach right in and pull it out.
} Carry it to the kitchen, and we'll take it from there. Don't hesitate,"
} he says, noticing the Supplicant's hesitation. "That'd be rude.
} I don't know why the boss has taken such a shine to you, but his
} moods switch kinda quick. See that Staff of Zot next to his table?
} Believe me, you don't want to give offense by not appearing eager to
} accept his hospitality."
}
} So, the Supplicant reaches into the tank, and <the next few seconds
} of the scene are censored>. The Supplicant stares at what's left of
} his arm, at the bright white bones and the bright red blood, and sees
} the answer to his question: both, red and white.
}
} Before losing consciousness, he manages to get off one last question.
} Looking across the room at The Oracle, he asks "Why?"
}
} And as his vision fades, he hears the answer, in stereo, as both
} Oracle and Zadoc say in unison: "You didn't grovel."


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