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Internet Oracularities #1070

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1070, 1070-01, 1070-02, 1070-03, 1070-04, 1070-05, 1070-06, 1070-07, 1070-08, 1070-09, 1070-10


Internet Oracularities #1070    (81 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:40:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1070
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1070  81 votes 5csme 4blri 3cpva 3pvh5 dopg3 5lria 3jxk6 7hqla 38qrh 0htnc
1070  3.2 mean  3.3   3.5   3.4   3.0   2.7   3.1   3.1   3.1   3.6   3.4


1070-01    (5csme dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which name is the better one for a cold, swampy, nasty island: Tolring
> or Tol Khelet? And if none of them fits: What is a good name for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How about "England"?
}
} You owe the Oracle Milton Keynes.


1070-02    (4blri dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> EAT FLAMING DEATH, QUEUE DRAINING SCUM!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You cannot eat Death while Death is alive. There is no Queue-Draining
} Scum here.
}
} LOOK
}
} You are in a dungeon. There is a locked and barred heavy wood door to
} the east. There is a grating in the wall to the west. There is a
} drainpipe to the North. There is a FIFO stack here. Death is here.
}
} LOOK DRAINPIPE
}
} The drainpipe is full of mold.
}
} TAKE MOLD
}
} You pick up the mold
}
} QUEUE MOLD ON STACK
}
} You have queued the mold.
}
} INVENTORY
}
} You are wearing a tunic and breeches. You have a cigarette lighter.
}
} WIELD LIGHTER
}
} You wield the cigarette lighter in your right hand.
}
} ATTACK DEATH
}
} You set Death on fire. Death seems to be enjoying the warmth.
}
} TAKE MOLD
}
} You pick up the mold.
}
} OFFER MOLD TO DEATH
}
} Death takes the mold.
}
} SAY "TRY IT, IT'S GOOD"
}
} Death nibbles the mold.
}
} Congratulations! You have made flaming death eat queued drain scum. You
} have attained the rank of Does Not Have a Life. Play Again? (Y/n) n
}
} You owe the Oracle a 'Zork the Dork' Beanie Baby.


1070-03    (3cpva dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most eternally erudite one, what will be the most significant things
> that happen in 1999?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} January: The Senate fails to convict Clinton, settles for a cream
} pie in his face instead.
}
} February: Newt Gingrich begins his "Don't Call It a Comeback" campaign
} for President.
}
} March: A meteorite impact levels the Detroit metropolitan area.
}
} April: Clinton visits the Detroit Impact Site, declares it a National
} Monument.  In his words, "This is a testament to the wisdom and
} beneficience of God."
}
} May: Religious groups condemn Clinton for such an obvious and feeble
} attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right.
}
} June: A meteorite impact levels the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area.
}
} July: The Pope visits the D.C. impact site, declares it an Act of God.
} In his words, "This is a testament to the wisdom and beneficience
} of God."
}
} August: Religious groups condemnt the Pope for such an obvious and
} feeble attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right.
}
} September: A meteorite impact levels the Redmond, Wa. metropolitan
} area.
}
} October: God manifests Himself at the Redmond Impact Site, claiming
} responsibility for the Detroit, Washington, and Redmond meteorites,
} declaring them Acts of God.  In his words, "This is a testament to
} My wisdom and beneficience."
}
} November: Religious groups condemn God for such an obvious and feeble
} attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right.
}
} December: Everybody parties like it's 1999.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more optimistic wall calendar for 1999.


1070-04    (3pvh5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the easiest way to get into the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start slowly, take your time. .. the digests are easiest to get into
} when you're in the right mode.
}
} First brew a cup of tea. As the tea simmers clear off a corner of your
} desk for your feet. Put on some music, John McLaughlin works well.  Dim
} the lights.
}
} Now with your feet up, music in the background and tea at hand slowly
} read the first offering from the digest. Ah, did you learn something?
} Or chuckle? If not don't be dismayed. Sip some tea and go on to the
} second sharing. Take your time, reflect on the subtle wit and ironic
} insights. . .
}
} Had enough? You don't -have- to read it all at once. Put it aside as
} you would a tome of fine poems, return to it when you feel a calling.
}
} If this doesn't get you into the digests try reading some of the
} archives at: http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/archive.html
}
} If you're still not into it, sigh, perhaps the digests are not for
} you.  Maybe your tastes run more to inane in-jokes and running gags
} that no one understands any more, but are afraid to inquiring as to
} their origins. If so then go read rec.humor.oracle.d, which despite the
} name has -nothing- to do with The Internet Oracle, it's more a
} counter-weight to my endless quest to aid the world, an antithesis, a
} dark, unsober cackling of madness that revels in lunacy and dis-array.
} In short, it's my fan club. And there's not a damn one of them that
} isn't in arrears as to their dues.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sledge hammer and an ice chest.


1070-05    (dopg3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who can truly grok Archimedies (nee Ludwig)
> Plutonium,
>
> What ever happened to Serdar Argic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my old friend the Zumabot, I remember him well! Wanna hear my Argic
} impersonation? Ahem...
}
} "Hey, gum brain! Are you pretending not to be aware that 2.5 million
} innocent Turkish people were genocided by Armenian terrorists from the
} ASALA/SDPA/ARF Terrorism Triangle during 1914-1920? Do I have to quote
} even more scholarly references at you? What are you, a Muslim-hating
} genocide apologist? Don't imagine that the crimes of your criminal
} Armenian grandparents will ever be forgotten, Supplicantian! In any
} event, let me get back to the real issue at hand..."
}
} And I do a really mean Robert McElwaine too! It goes like this... what?
} Oh, alright. Kinzler gently suggests that I get back to answering the
} question. You can put that cattle prod away now, Steve.
}
} So, why did the lovable old psycho disappear so suddenly, eh? Was the
} spook recalled by his secret Turkish government handlers? Was the
} propaganda campaign terminated because of the bad publicity it was
} generating? Did UUNet finally give in to pressure from right-thinking
} Netizens to close his account, and he never found another ISP prepared
} to act as a platform for his ravings?
}
} Needless to say, it is none of the above. He, Cosar, Mutlu and the
} rest of their cell were rounded up by agents of the USDA, and all
} ended up on the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day, 1994. Serdar himself
} was eaten by the Furr family, if I recall correctly. On the Net, no-one
} may know if you're a dog, but they can damn well spot a turkey when
} they see one.


1070-06    (5lria dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ring around the woodchucks,
> the Oracle is just tops,
> askmes, askmes,
> the queue is drained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, hey, you found my old nursery rhyme book!  I've been looking for
} that for ages.  I thought I'd lost it forever.  Some of my all-time
} favorite poetry is in here.
}
} <flip>
}
}           Little Jack Zadoc
}           Sat in the paddock
}           Sucking away at the queue.
}
}           He logged in to Juno,
}           And said, "What do you know?
}           I might be Digested, too!"
}
} <flip>
}
}                    Orrie had a little queue,
}                    Little queue, little queue.
}                    Orrie had a little queue,
}                    With wood that none could chuck.
}
}                    And everywhere that Hotmail goes,
}                    Hotmail goes, Hotmail goes,
}                    Everywhere that Hotmail goes,
}                    The answer's sure to suck.
}
} <flip>
}
}        Orrie's queue is filling up,
}        Filling up, filling up.
}        Orrie's queue is filling up,
}        My fair Lisa.
}
} And you thought you knew where all the in-jokes came from, didn't you.
} Wrong-oh!  They all started right here in this book.  Thanks for
} finding it for me.  This has really made my day.
}
} You owe the Oracle the rhyme about the bright red Siamese fighting
} fish. That page seems to be missing.


1070-07    (3jxk6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and puissant Oracle,
>
> Why the hell is my wife so hell-bent on calling our cat, who barely has
> two brain cells to rub together, such a "little sweetie"?  The damn'
> thing's dumber than drier lint.
>
> Thanks for clearing this up for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women and little fluffy animals - it's not a subject amenable to logic.
} I've met Rabid Hell-Beasts that went by names like "Mr Woogums"
} and "Flopsy Snuggles", so they don't even have to be little and fluffy.
}
} As for your kitten being dumber than drier lint, that's nothing
} terribly surprising; they all are - they're just Nature's Marketers.
} Think about it - most cat owners will admit they're not very
} bright, but only under duress; and popular opinion has them down as
} sophisticated, elegant creatures who own their owners and all that rot.
} It's all Marketing!  Nobody mentions all the times they run into walls,
} or fall asleep somewhere raised and then fall off, or...
}
} If you'll excuse me, I have to go feed, errr... Ripper.  Because it's
} time, that's why, no other reason.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dogs are from Mars, Cats are from Venus".
}
} <"Daddy's coming, Wiffly Bear!  Here's your din-dins!">


1070-08    (7hqla dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient and non-pediculous Oracle,
> who is schooled so highly in irony and good taste that the
> response to this unworthy request will avoid the otherwise
> utterly inevitable longwindedness,
>
> What happened to all the clever, witty, and SHORT answers
> to the supplicants' questions?  Has wit lost its soul of
> brevity?  Is longwindedness a real word?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACULAR UNION TELEGRAM CO
} MESSAGE BEGINS
}
} ANSWERS IN REVERSE ORDER STOP
} YES STOP
} MINE HASN'T STOP
} WHEREAS A SHORT ANSWER HAS THE UNDENIABLE AND NOT UNVALUABLE BENEFIT OF
} SNAPPINESS A QUALITY PARTICULARLY PRIZED IN THESE HASTY MODERN TIMES A
} MORE LEISURELY AND CONSIDERED APPROACH TO THE ART OF ORACULAR UTTERANCE
} MAY YIELD IMPORTANT ADVANTAGES IN THOROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY FURNISHING
} THE SUPPLICANT WITH AN ANSWER TO HIS OR INDEED IT MAY BE HER OR EVEN
} THEIR QUESTION AND ALSO PERMITS A FULLER EXPLORATION OF THE VERY NOOKS
} AND CRANNIES OF THE DEPTHS OF THE PRICELESS HUMOUR CONTAINED IN A GOOD
} ORACULAR QUESTION WITH THE SUBSEQUENT AND CONCOMMITANT RESULT THAT
} INCREASINGLY IN RECENT TIMES A GROWING NUMBER OF INCARNATIONS ARE
} CHOOSING TO ESCHEW THE BITESIZE MTV STYLE ORACULARITY AND TURN INSTEAD
} TO THE PLEASING PORTLY VERBOSITY AND THE MELLIFLUOUS CICERONIAN PHRASES
} WHICH ARE SURELY THE HALLMARK OF A CIVILIZED RESPONSE TO AN HUMOROUS
} INQUIRY STOP
} SO THERE STOP
}
} MESSAGE ENDS
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-line summary of the Lord of the Rings.


1070-09    (38qrh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and
> sinister way to earn $4.80?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about.
}
} You owe the Oracle $4.00 (plus 20% service charge)


1070-10    (0htnc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmmm, beautiful console...excellent ergodynamics...mm-hmmm...wonderful
> keyboard layout...truly inspired choice of port plugs...a definite 9.2.
> What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you need psychiatric help.  I've seen Oedipal complexes before,
} but I've never seen someone sexually attracted to his motherboard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of chips.


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