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16 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:09:27 GMT

Internet Oracularities #108

Goto:
108, 108-01, 108-02, 108-03, 108-04, 108-05, 108-06, 108-07, 108-08, 108-09, 108-10


Usenet Oracularities #108    (17 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Jan 90 16:54:30 GMT

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108   17 votes 56501 04346 12365 35432 84311 17441 21644 01358 03662 15623
108   3.1 mean  2.2   3.7   3.7   2.8   2.0   2.8   3.4   4.2   3.4   3.1


108-01    (56501 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and wonderful Oracle, could you please settle this argument
> between my Brother and I about LISP?
>
> If a Null of a Null of a Nil is a Null of a T is a Null of an Atom
> is a Nil, then is a Null of a Null of a Null of a Null of a Nil a Null
> of a Null of a Null of a T is a Null of a Null of of a Null of an Atom
> is a Null of a Null of a Nil is a Null of a T is a Null of an Atom is
> a Nil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yes.
}
} the oracle requires that you write a new lisp compiler which obviates
} the need for such questions.
}
} you owe the oracle a ring-ding (i need the polysorbate 80 to survive)


108-02    (04346 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could give you an answer about light refraction, atmospheric
} scattering, and sun light, but I will not.  Instead I will tell you a
} little story.  When the world was created, the sky was white.  Pure,
} snowy shite.  The kind of white that you're afraid to touch because you
} might leave a fingerprint.
}
} One day in the garden of Eden, Eve was looking up at the sky and said,
} "God."
}
} God said, "Yes Eve?"
}
} "The sky is a really nice shade of white and all, but don't you think
} it's a little boring?"
}
} "Boring?"
}
} "Yes, what about pink or maroon or lime green.  Certainly that would be
} a more interesting color.  I don't mean to sound critical, but you
} wouldn't want the world to be dull."
}
} "Hmmm...  perhaps you're right.  A little color might be just the
} thing."
}
} So for the next month, the sky was a different color every day.  After a
} while, God started to be really creative.  Soon the sky was filled with
} dots and zig zags.  The clouds would strobe laser pink and green against
} a red and blue sky.  It was certainly not boring.
}
} Around this time, Adam came back from whatever he was up to.  He said,
} "God!  What the heck are you doing up there!  You are giving me
} headaches and it is impossible to sleep past dawn!"
}
} God said, "It was Eve's idea."
}
} Eve said, "I never said I wanted hot pink strobe effects!  Just a little
} color."
}
} Gid said, "Hmmph..  very well!  From now on, the sky will be blue.  Flat
} ordinary blue.  Totally uninteresting.  Millenia from now, people will
} ask why the sky is blue of all colors."
}
} And that's the way it was.


108-03    (12365 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The last time I asked the oracle a question, I got a totally inane
>    answer.  This was a great disappointment to me, since I have come
>    to expect honesty, seriousness, and above all intelligence from
>    you.  What happened?  The time before last I was granted with
>    the most entertaining of all answers... and then I get this.
>
> Could you tell me at what hours you can be expected to be reasonable
>    intelligent and entertaining, and on which you can be expected
>    to be (pardon me) silly, childish and inane?
>
> Thank-you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Look, I don't mean to be rude, but have you ever been an Oracle?
} Have you ever been at least SLIGHTLY prescient?  Have you ever had your
} services be in demand every day for three thousand years STRAIGHT?  HAVE
} YOU EVER SAT ON GOD'S HIGH COUNCIL AND DECIDED THE ULTIMATE FATE OF AN
} ENTIRE SPECIES OF PLANT LIFE?!?!?!
} I doubt it.
} I put in hard hours, fella, and there are times when an Oracle has to
} let loose and be childish sometimes, OK?  College students and
} businessmen get weekends off, I don't.  My hours are random, no one
} knows, no one on Earth, not even the Son of Man, only God the Father,
} when my childish moods will hit.  So just nack off and feel gratefull
} I'm even answering you AT ALL!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a beach, a bed, a babe, and a break in Barbados


108-04    (35432 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where oh where has my little dog gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Calling God...)
} God : "Yes, oracle."
} Oracle : "God, where is xxxx.xxxx's dog?"
} God : "Where is xxxxx.xxxx's dog?"
} Oracle : "In a parallel dimension where dog's are the dominant species."
} God : "In a parallel dimension where dogs are the dominant species."
} Oracle : "Oh? Neat! How did he do that?"
} God : "How did he do that?"
} Oracle : "He was digging for a bone and uncovered a dimensional portal."
} God : "He was digging for a bone and uncovered a dimensional portal."
} Oracle : "Hmmm. Ok. Thanks!"
} God : "No problem!"
} (click!)


108-05    (84311 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Microchip and nano-nacho!
> Block a drop-kick with your crotch-o!
> Butter first my frontal lobe
> And label me a xenophobe!
>
> ...or not?  This has been troubling me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. All the time. In fact, I'd suggest at least twice a day.


108-06    (17441 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does redirected input feel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kind of squishy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sponge.


108-07    (21644 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, I'm pissed pretty that you didn't take the time to answer
> my last question.  What's the problem?  Are you too high and mighty to
> respond to the petty inklings of a physics geek?  Huh?  Maybe your
> wife burned your breakfast this morning or she wouldn't give you head
> last night?  Are you taking your sexual aggressions out on me?  What's
> the problem, dude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wanted to know why I didn't answer your last question?  Well let me
} tell you a story- Many many years ago when I was a small child I went
} into a physics classroom looking for my father who was a physics
} professor.  All I found was his dead body.  He had been mercilessly
} beaten by a student who disagreed with him on a test score.  Since then
} I have hated all physics geeks, and have sworn to get even with the one
} who killed my father!  So I'll answer your question all right mister!
} When I've finally finished humiliating you for what your fellow physics
} geeks did to my dad!


108-08    (01358 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the Oracle will marry you.  The Oracle marries anyone who asks
} politely, has purity of spirit, and offers sufficient quantities of
} chocolate.
}
} The Oracle, of course, is not limited by time, space, or parking meters,
} and so the Oracle may marry as many of anything the Oracle desires.
} Furthermore, the Oracle is powerfully endowed in all the appropriate
} ways and so fully satisfies all of the Oracle's (many and devoted)
} mates.
}
} Let's get married right now.  You didn't want a big, fancy wedding, did
} you?  The Oracle finds such affairs rather tiresome and prefers to keep
} the Oracle's weddings simple and tasty.
}
} So stand up.  Yes, right now.
}
} Do you want to get married or not?  The Oracle is waiting...
}
} That's better.  Now take your keyboard in your right hand.  Softly moan
} "Oh, oh, oh, Oracle baby, take me, take me, take me."
}
} You'll feel a deep sense of, well, you know what the Oracle means.  You
} might want to sit down now.
}
} Zots!  The Oracle pronounces you and the Oracle quite, quite married.
}
} Break out the chocolate!!  Make merry and whoopie and anyone else you
} can find!!
}
} The Oracle does not charge for weddings, especially the Oracle's own
} weddings, but the Oracle does charge dearly for divorces, so you'd
} better make the Oracle very happy for the next fifty million years.
}
} Of course the Oracle does expect you to do the dishes and take out the
} garbage, but that's what being married is all about.
}
} ...'night, Honey.


108-09    (03662 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A particular symbol is missing from this inquiry. I do not know what
> it is, but I think it is a common symbol that I will do without only
> with difficulty. Do you think my orthography will go downhill for this
> lack? Oh sorrow I am, I can not talk about a quick brown fox and what
> it would do to a lazy dog nowadays. It is only with great difficulty
> that I can put words to you most smart oracl.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jumpin' Jive-ass Jesus and Jehosephat, Jimmy-boy.  Those Jentile
} Jit-bags have Jellified your brain.  Jack and Jill have Jammed the
} Jerbil clear to Jizmatic splendour.  So be Joking and Jolly, and
} Jenuflect before the one Jigantic and Jenerally acknowledged sign
} missing from your message.  No, I'm not talking about the Jay that you
} light, and the Jay-bird that skwawks, or the Jail-bait beside you on
} your bed.  I'm not talking about the Jacks that she still plays with or
} the Jack in your car or the Jack-ass in the White House.  I'm not
} talking about J at all, I'm talking about $.  YES LAYDEEZ and JENULMEN,
} It is JENERALLY known, by all Joined together that without the almighty
} symbol $, your message will not go far.
}
} You owe the oracle a $JOB card.


108-10    (15623 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a black hair growing out of one the pores on my nose.
> Does it mean something?  Should I do something about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO!  Not the black hair!  Not the black hair out of your nose pores!  It
} can't be!  It's not possible!  For twenty million eons, the signs; the
} reckonings, and it's true:  THE BLACK HAIR IN THE NOSE PORE!  Even the
} Oracle, in Its most wise and seeing state, did not foresee the calamity,
} the danger, the forebodings!  How can it be now, now, Now?  My mind
} quakes, the intricate semantic network of my electric mind shivers with
} the truth you have bestowed upon me.  The Hair--no--the Black
} Hair--no--no--anything but--and the Nose Pore ...
}
} There is only one thing to be done.  Only one thing that might set the
} cosmos back on its proper axis again.  Only one thing that might restore
} life, order, logic, sanity to this quaking universe.  Only one thing
} that might redeem the value of Existence itself ...  I know the
} procedure ...  it may work ...  yes ...  all may be well again ...
}
} You must, you have to ...  cut your Black Nasal Hair.  You will require
} a small pair of scissors or a sharp knife.  Sever it at its base.
} Remove it from the confines of your nose.  Dispose of it in a proper
} waste container.  This is the procedure.  Execute it, faithfully.  It
} must be done.  For the good of this universe and the good of all
} universes that have been or might be, rip your Black Nasal Hair from the
} Pore from which It has grown.
}
} Good luck.  The thoughts and willpower of the Almighty Oracle go with
} you on your quest.  The prophecies are unclear as to the outcome of this
} situation; I can give you no solace.  I can inform you that Sears is
} selling pairs of small scissors for $1.49 a shot.  This is all I can
} tell ...  I can tell no more.  Godspeed.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.


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