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Internet Oracularities #1121

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Internet Oracularities #1121    (72 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:19:38 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1121
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1121  72 votes 2cinh 5hmk8 2crkb 2ggrb 23any 6kvd2 4jxf1 4irj4 8gpe9 9sjc4
1121  3.2 mean  3.6   3.1   3.4   3.4   4.2   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.0   2.6


1121-01    (2cinh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle, whose logic would drive Plato to drink
> (hemlock), whose ethics would give Spinoza a whirling headache, whose
> transcending of good and evil would kill Nietzsche (unless it made him
> stronger), whose a priori knowledge would drive Kant to write totally
> incomprehensible tomes, please hear my question:
>
> Where can I find the Philosopher's Scone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grasshopper, you ask for that which humans have sought for ages.
}
} I will just say that there are many paths. You need to choose for
} yourself.
}
} Follow me...
}
} Here it is, Ye Do or Donut Shoppe. Pay no heed to all the cops.
} Let's see what the shop has to offer. Hmm, I suggest just limiting
} yourself to this representative sampling to start with...
}
} Pythagorean Tripartite Filleds   Full of equal parts of gain,
}                                  honor & wisdom. Tastes weird.
}                                  The pentagram on the top is
}                                  kind of spooky too.
}
} Zeno Holes                       Motionless non-objects covered
}                                  with an infinite number of
}                                  sprinkles. Impossible to eat.
}
} Stoic Crunchies                  Hard and dry and good for
}                                  you damn it!
}
} Glazed Ockham Bars               DO NOT EAT! They have razors
}                                  in them.
}
} Folly de' Erasmus                Sort of a serious twinkie if
}                                  you can imagine such a thing.
}
} Machiavelli Fritters             These are to kill for, but
}                                  if you don't have connections
}                                  you'll never ever see any.
}
} Hegelian Twists                  You eat one and then you'll
}                                  want just the opposite, but
}                                  will end up with something
}                                  in-between.
}
} Bakhtin Circles                  Too revolutionary.
}
} Freudian Ladies' Pinkies         Way too weird. Much debate
}                                  over their inclusion in this
}                                  shop.
}
} Camus' Old Fashioneds            I recommend these. Subtle,
}                                  yet they go with anything.
}                                  Can't go wrong here.
}
} William S. Burroughs'            Not for everyone. Highly
} Nutty Sticks                     addictive.
}
} You owe the Oracle The Eclair of Enlightenment.


1121-02    (5hmk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle writes the poetry of Wisdom to which smart mortals look
> forward to with smiles. Being able to read the words of the Oracle is
> the wise providence of wisely used USENET access. All bow low before
> the Great Oracle!
>
> Where do ideas go after they die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dead ideas are reincarnated as brand new ideas by clueless marketing
} execs.


1121-03    (2crkb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who could write the complete works of Coleridge on the
> head of a pin, and yet still have room left for all the rude words that
> could be used to describe this lowly supplicant...
>
> If lawyers wrote poetry, what would it look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Xanadu did Kubla Khan (party of the first part) a stately
} pleasure-dome decree, conveniently but criminally overlooking the need
} for an environmental impact statement, where Alph the sacred river ran,
} and inasmuch as the opium waste from said pleasure dome spills into the
} river, said Khan is liable for damages downstream, including but not
} limited to the mental destruction to the class of the Peasants of the
} Alph (party of the second part), whom we represent.
}
} You owe the Oracle something that scans. Anything!


1121-04    (2ggrb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does it mean if your armpit turns bright red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It probably means that you have touched-up your
} Ferrari's paintwork with deodorant by mistake.
}
} You owe the Oracle a CFC-free environment.


1121-05    (23any dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180
> Content-Type: text/plain;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> When will I be able to get a cable modem in my area?
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180
> Content-Type: text/html;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1" =
> http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 5.00.2014.210" name=3DGENERATOR>
> <STYLE></STYLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>When will I be able to get a cable =
> modem in my=20
> area?</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By dawn the storm had broken. Several of the horses had broken free in
} the early hours, and some time was lost rounding them up. By the time
} the sun was clear of the distant mountains, we were breaking camp and
} preparing to continue the journey.
}
} As we began the ride, Zadoc rode up beside me.
}
} "Oh Mighty Oracle, whose wisdom is as a galaxy of stars to the - "
}
} "Yes, Zadoc, what is it?"
}
} "Forgive me any implications of doubt in your thousand-fold wisdom,
} mighty one, but have we no other choice but to cross the Plains of the
} Endless September?"
}
} He gestured nervously at the barren landscape ahead of us. I turned my
} Oracular gaze on him, darkening eyebrows and all. Zadoc managed to
} cower without falling off his mule.
}
} "Zadoc, you dimwit, pay attention at the meetings! It's either cross
} the Plains of the Endless September or go around through the Foothills
} of the Mist, adding three months to the trip. Do you want to be the one
} to deal with an extra three month's worth of whining supplicants in the
} queue?"
}
} "No, your infinitely wise -"
}
} "Good. Then stay up here and keep your eyes open."
}
} "For the Three Dangers of the Plain, oh mighty of prowess?"
}
} "No, Zadoc, for a gas station where I can wash my horse's windshield.
} OF COURSE for the Three Dangers of the Plain, you gangrenous annelid!"
}
} That kept Zadoc sufficiently cowed that he left me alone for the rest
} of the morning. We rode through the Stones of Aol about eleven o'clock,
} careful not to say a word for fear of the infamous echoes - the shapes
} of the rock in that area are such that any voice is distorted and
} reflected back in an unearthly chorus that sounds like "me too".
}
} As we rode on, I pondered our destination, on the far side of the
} Plains. A trivial matter, perhaps, but the consequences would be dire
} should we fail in our quest.
}
} Suddenly...
}
} "AAAGH!! The Mimes! The Mimes of Format!!"
}
} They were everywhere! I cursed as I realized they must have been
} following silently for hours. A pack had pulled Kendai off his horse
} and were busy sealing him in an invisible glass box. Others were
} prancing around mimicking the priests, climbing down stairs, pulling
} invisible ropes..
}
} "Your Ominpotency! We're surrounded!"
}
} "The pastrami, Zadoc! Everyone, use the pastrami!"
}
} Forseeing this First Danger of the Plain, we'd each packed a pastrami
} loaf in our bags. They're the most effective weapon against these
} white-faced devils. I leapt from my horse and swatted one aside with my
} pastrami, then waded into the fray.
}
} The carnage was terrible. The priests fought well, Darkmage in
} particular seemed unstoppable, but the silent clowns threatened to
} overwhelm us with sheer numbers. By mid-afternoon, the tide had turned,
} and the survivors were starting to flee. Soon there was but one left.
}
} *WHACK!* *WHACK!*
}
} "Go! Get out of here!"
}
} *WHACK!*
}
} "Go on! Get!"
}
} *WHACKWHACKWHACK!*
}
} "What do you want with us?!!" *WHACK!*
}
} Dazed, he staggered back.
}
} "Well?? What is it?!!"
}
} "When will I be able to get a cable modem in my area?"
}
} I was caught off guard. I had never heard a mime speak before.
}
} "Check with your cable company. Most... AAAAGH!"
}
} While I was distracted, he leapt forward and pulled an invisible flower
} from my ear and started mooning over it. I hit him across the back of
} the head with the pastrami, then again, and again, until he collapsed
} in heap at my feet.
}
} Zadoc raced up beside me and gave the still twitching figure a
} completely unnecessary whack with his own, barely battered luncheon
} meat.
}
} "And stay down, infidel! Good work, Oh All-Powerful Oracle!"
}
} I sighed as I slipped my own pastrami into my belt. One Danger of the
} Plain was beaten, but two more awaited.
}
} "Zadoc?"
}
} "Yes, Mighty One! I am yours to command!"
}
} "Tell Lisa next time she needs 'feminine protection' when the car's in
} the shop, she can go to the drugstore herself."
}
} "*gulp*..Y-yes, Omniscient One."
}
} We rode on.


1121-06    (6kvd2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle.
>
> You know tonnes more stuff than I do, stand miles higher than me, and
> quite frankly, look like you've lost a few pounds.
>
> Wassup with this metric malarky

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting that you already have a Metric Malarkry.
}
} Personally, I still use the old Imperial Malarky given to me by
} Queen Victoria. It's a sturdy old thing but I must admit that having
} one that works in decimal would be slightly easier than the base 27
} that this uses (except on every 5th New Moon, in which case you
} advance the attenuator by three notches).
}
} It sounds as though yours, being new, may just need a little
} lubrication, perhaps the pistons need to be honed in also.
}
} On no account use the Malarky internally.
}
} Glad to be of service.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oojamaflip.


1121-07    (4jxf1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will I be doing 10 years from now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will, in fact, be god emperor of the greater part of Earth. You
} see, when you run into Bill Gates at that trade show 3 years from now
} and show him that little app you've written, he'll be so impressed
} that he'll make you a senior VP at Micro$oft forthwith. Your inspired
} handling of the by then legion antitrust suits facing the company -
} namely, your hostile takeover bid for the USA - makes you the natural
} successor for old Bill when he finally retires 7 years hence.
}
} With your sure hand on the tiller, M$ goes from strength to strength,
} incorporating the rest of the Western Hemisphere, large chunks of
} Asia and Mars, as well as, needless to say, all of cyberspace. Your
} employees have already been worshipping you as a god for some years
} by this time. In January 2009 your divine status is formalized in all
} territories under your control.
}
} And if you think that sounds impressive, you should have asked me
} what you'll be doing 20 years from now.
}
} You owe the Oracle $200,000 - think of it as an investment in your
} future. (Note: On the off chance that, 10 years from now, any of
} these predictions turn out to be less than 100% accurate, I will of
} course refund the money at once)


1121-08    (4irj4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> X-your X-Face X-Looks X-Familiar. X-Haven't X-I X-met
> X-you X-somewhere X-before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, I won't get involved with a guy who constantly talks about
} his ex.
}
} You still owe the Oracle that drink you offered, though.


1121-09    (8gpe9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sensible and reasonable, whose worshipers don't have to
> sacrifice animals just because they (the worshipers, that is) have
> slept in the same room as a menstruating woman, do any of these
> Christians obey all of the laws and instructions in the Bible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll get to your answer in a bit, but you need to get a little
} background first.
}
} Ever since the Pope has started getting up in years, he has had
} to have a personal assistant to help him with his, shall we say,
} personal hygenic duties, because one of the abilities that starts
} to go with age is how flexible one is in reaching areas that
} weren't such a problem earlier in life.
}
} Of course, another thing that comes on with age is the gradual
} loss of "urgency" that warns you when it is time to hurry and
} find a nearby facility.  There are products that make it less
} objectionable, but they are not an ideal solution, because one
} can still get a sense that an unfortunate event has ocurred.
} Naturally enough, this embarassing situation is to be avoided at
} all costs, so on long trips by car, the assistant travels along
} and, should the need arise far from any available utilities,
} bears the weight of hurrying the pontiff into some nearby
} secluded bushes.
}
} The poor soul bearing this onus doesn't get much in the way of
} payment, but he does so uncomplainingly, because he feels that
} doing this task for such a holy man makes him feel that all his
} other sins on Earth have been cleansed away.  The Pope, for his
} part, is happy to get such a staunch assistant, and understandably,
} there were not very many who applied for the position, thus, not
} too many questions were asked into the personal beliefs of the
} person who was eventually chosen as the one to bear the duties.
}
} Indeed, there are many who bear the brunt of the same duties in
} hospitals and nursing homes today, and perform them for people
} who have far smaller personages.  So, to answer the question
} about whether there are people who follow the concepts of
} selflessness and charity taught in scripture, just ask yourself
} these two questions: Is the bearer Catholic?
} Does a Pope shit in the woods?
}
} I'm contemplating whether you owe the Oracle anything or not.
} Depends, I guess.


1121-10    (9sjc4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh far seeing and all knowing Oracle, who always leads the polls by an
> enormous margin...
>
> What will some of the highlights of "Dubya's" imminent presidency?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well supplicant, to merely state "Law enforcing the education of the
} usage of 'Be' in a sentance"  as in "What will -be- some of the..."  or
} "...imminent presidency be?"  Would be to easy of an answer, and after
} all, a grammar flame.
}
} Feb 1st:  Law put into effect stating "All funds collected from the
} taxation of tobacco products will be given to people with a third
} nipple" is passed unanimously by the house.
}
} Feb 2nd:  Groundhog day.  Punxatawney Phil, the sole reason that Bill
} Murray ever entered Pennsylvania, refused to leave his burrow this
} morning, siting "soddit.. figure it out your own damn selves"
}
} Feb 9th:  Plastic surgeons report a boom in "nipple implant" operations
} over the past week.
}
} Mar 17th:  St. Patrick's Day.  For the umpteenth year in a row
}
} Mar 24th:  Windows 2000:Release Candidate 6  hits the shelves.  Seen as
} the first Three CD-Rom installation of a single Microsoft Product, it
} is heralded as the Next Good Thing by hardware and ram manufacturers.
}
} April 1st:  As the biggest april fools joke in the history of the
} world, no jokes at all were pulled.  The sum population of the planet
} expected itself to be joked on, stayed home for the full 24 hours and
} stayed in bed, sparking in mid december one of the biggest population
} booms in history.
}
} April 14th:  Dubya goes into a hypnosis induced trance to divine the
} solution to Tax Day.
}
} April 15th:  Tax Day
}
} April 16th:  Dubya comes out of his trance with The Perfect And Right
} solution to Income Tax.  Too bad it's 24 hours too late.
}
} May 7th:  Aliens from the Zuyuk nebula land on earth.   Their intent is
} neither conquest, or alliance, but a vacation on the top of Roger
} Ebert's hair.
}
} June:  Month canceled due to lack of interest.
}
} July 4th:   Independance day is celebrated.  Parental fears of
} fireworks force nation-wide celebrations to be held around computer
} screens showing "fireworks" the screensaver..
}
} August:  Record heat wave wanders across the country, and nobody
} notices.
}
} September:  September posponed until next year when the National Atomic
} Clock is mischeviously set ahead thirty days by Billy Watson, 6 of
} Oxsnot Wisconsin.
}
} October 30th: Halloween is Cancled for Politically Correctness in
} Holidays Reasons.
}
} November 1st:  Man who invented Political Correctness In Holidays is
} strung up by a consortium of Candy Manufacturers and Dentists.
}
} November 23rd: marketing and advertising people finally crack and admit
} "We were wrong.. the millenium doesn't start until Jan 1, 2001..  A new
} flood of "True Millenial" products glut an already apathetic millenial
} purchasing market.
}
} Dec 22nd:  The last produced "MUST HAVE" toy of the year "Leaky Ear-wax
} Elmo with Epillepsy"  sells on Ebay for 1.9 million dollars.   When the
} winning bidder was approached for comment on why she bought it, she
} merely said "Well -duh-".
}
} Dec 27th:  Humanitity classified and segregated into two groups.  "Free
} Thinkers" and "Sheep"
}
} Dec 28th:  All seven "Free Thinkers" bludgeoned to death by mobs mere
} minutes after their identities announced upon grounds of "Stirring up
} trouble" and "Non-Conformist!"
}
} Dec 31st:  Another year painfully limps out the door at midnight.
} People who held the grim satisfaction that they were celebrating the
} 'true' millenium start searching for something new to be smug about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a calendar for the future first year humanity starts
} making sense.


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