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Internet Oracularities #1128

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Internet Oracularities #1128    (67 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 13:38:13 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1128
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1128  67 votes cgr84 9inb6 7lsa1 7lig5 8om85 09qfh 8cmh8 4bti5 aime3 12dro
1128  3.0 mean  2.6   2.8   2.7   2.9   2.7   3.6   3.1   3.1   2.7   4.1


1128-01    (cgr84 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, whose internet connection is so fast that things are
> downloaded before they are requested,  answer me this.
> What will the Spice Girls and Take That be doing in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Baby Spice:  Stunt double for Traci Lords in the next John Holmes
} 'drama'
}
} Ginger Spice: Taken hostage by the Schweppes company and ground up into
} a fine powder for a unique line of "Ginger Spice Ginger Ale"
}
} Posh Spice:  "Like um...  Do you want fries with that?"
}
} Scary Spice:  Used to frighten small children into staying in school.
} Must be the hair.
}
} Sporty Spice:  Mistakenly believed her "Spice" name would imbue her
} with magical athletic talent.  Unfortunately, the only sport skills she
} was blessed with was javelin catching.  Swiss Cheese Spice anyone?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the TV Guide listing stating precisely
} when MTV will actually show a music video.


1128-02    (9inb6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are the receptionist at hospitals and doctor's offices always
> mean old women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a simple result of the laws of supply and demand. You see,
} doctors and hospitals have skills that are greatly in demand, and
} have no difficulty finding enough patients to keep up the payments on
} their Porsches.  If you're wondering why this may be, I suggest you
} try reading the ingredients lists on a few examples of what passes
} for 'food' in this society. In any case, why bother paying extra for
} a class receptionist when you already have an unstoppable flow of
} punters lining up half an hour before opening time?
}
} On the other hand, so called 'alternative therapists' have a larger
} problem with patient, and therefore cash, flow, due to the minor
} problem of their skills being utterly bogus and useless for anything.
} Hence the necessity of staffing the reception desk with either a
} buxom lovely, or a hunk to die for.
}
} In practice it works like this: Some poor soul blunders into the
} 'alternative medicine' clinic thinking it is a bank or something.
} They lay eyes on the gorgeous receptionist. Immediately they decide
} that if that's what it takes to open a conversation, there's something
} pretty drastically wrong with them that requires a long period of
} treatment. The sucke^H^H^H^H^H patient then is sent through to the
} 'therapist', who bounces crystals off a ping pong bat or whatever is
} the current flavour of the month.
}
} 'alternative therapists' themselves have no problem with this status
} quo. It is of course much easier to quote many examples of patients
} who were completely healthy after a long, expensive, regime of colour
} water pistol- cupuncture therapy if there was nothing wrong with them
} in the first place.
}
} Therapists have taken a sort of inverse pride in the attractiveness of
} their receptionists, which can be easily measured by the degradation
} and pain of the 'treatment' they are prepared to endure, but still keep
} coming back. A recent paper in the _Journal of Alternative Medicine
} Studies That Willfully Ignore The Placebo Effect_ (which has limited
} distribution due to it being printed only on hand-made, 'natural'
} papyrus paper) for the first time analysed, and tabulated this effect.
}
}  +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+
}  | Chest Size         | Most Severe Treatment With Multiple Visits  |
}  | Muscle/Body Ratio  |                                             |
}  +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+
}  | 34C   0.77         | Wild herb poultice with saffron tea         |
}  +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+
}  | 36C   0.81         | Crystals held under eyelids for two weeks   |
}  +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+
}  | 38D   0.84         | Bamboo Shoot Under The Fingernails-puncture |
}  +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+
}  | 40DD  0.99         | Repeated enemas with live leeches at        |
}  |                    | Stonehenge during the summer solstice       |
}  +--------------------+---------------------------------------------+
}
} You owe The Oracle two aspirin, to be delivered in the morning.


1128-03    (7lsa1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, your wings are broader than the heavens, your scales
> shimmer like as many starlit diamonds. May your breath always be hotter
> than three thousand suns, may your horns never leave your head.
>
> I need your help. It's because... Well, let me explain my story.
> The other day, I was, you know, chasing in the mountains, when I met
> her. It was Princess Llewelyn, from the castle in the valley. She was
> bathing in a little lake not far from the Drakenberg, and upon seeing
> her, I instantly fell in love with her. Oh, by the Egg, she has long,
> blond hair... And her eyes! A green so deep you could drown in them.
> Despite my natural shyness, I didn't hesitate for long: I dived into
> the lake and told her what my heart felt for her. I think she was
> touched, because she fainted. I delicately carried her to the shore,
> and then that knight guy on his horse suddenly appeared from I don't
> know where and, guess what? He charged me, shouting, "Let her go, you
> monster!" Ah, shards of shell, I should have guessed she wasn't alone.
> Pretty girls are never alone. I didn't want to fight, you know -- those
> knight guys are always carrying lots of pointy things -- and I thus
> took flight. But I can't forget her, she haunts my dreams, I want to
> see her, I'm mad about her. But they won't let me approach the castle;
> they even shoot arrows at me upon sight.
>
> Dear Oracle, I need your help. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry supplicant, I just can't answer this. Those medieval valour
} oracularities simply dragon indefinitely.
}
} You owe The Oracle a lance. I've got a few boils that need seeing to.


1128-04    (7lig5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most enlightened!
>
> What are black letter days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Black Letter Days, better known as the Typeface Times, or the Font
} Festival, is an annual celebration held in Cupertino, California to
} celebrate the invention of the PostScript printer language. Each day
} of the weeklong festival has events, contests and games that revolve
} around the world of scalable fonts.
}
} Here's the schedule for next year's festival:
}
} Monday
}
} Black Letter Days opens in grand style with the day devoted to a
} everyone's favorite font, 12 point Courier! Celebrate by bringing
} the kids to the Font Festival Fairway, where they can play impossible
} games to win cheap prizes.  That evening, come to our beer tent where
} REO Speedwagon will entertain (Must be 21, or have fake ID).
}
} Tuesday
}
} Tuesday is 10 point Garamond day! Come meet local weatherman Joe
} Snow and enjoy a frosty malted beverage with Rick Springfield in our
} beer tent!
}
} Wednesday
}
} Hump Day is represented by 14 point Times Roman. The Akron Shakespeare
} Festival will be putting on "Romeo and Juliet" in the park. The beer
} tent hosts Quiet Riot, with special guests Dokken.
}
} Thursday
}
} This is 72 Point Day. Everyone who brings a 72 point print sample gets
} into the beer tent free to see Dokken with special guest Quiet Riot.
}
} Friday
}
} TGIF! Only in this cause, TGIF stands for Thank God It's Fontday!
} Celebrate the font 18 point Arial by coming out to the beer tent to
} see Warrant!
}
} Saturday
}
} It's 9 point Bertram day! Our last concert of Black Letter days
} brings out the Monsters of Rock, Twisted Sister, with special guests
} Cinderella and Winger joining them in the beer tent!
}
} Sunday
}
} Ghostscript celebration, Kiddie Parade, Closing Ceremonies, and
} Fireworks
}
} So you see, Gentle Supplicant, Black Letter Days are an excuse to
} get plowed and watch hair bands. Oh, yeah, and to have fireworks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Monster Ballads" CD.


1128-05    (8om85 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o wise Oracle please help me with another real pressing situation
> My husband and I are having problems. weve been married for 18
> years I feel that he is dissappointed in myl parenting skills and
> wifely duties.  I always try to put everybody my family first, but he
> says different. I feel that no matter what I do someone will be mad.
> I feel like climbing in a hole or running away.  But I know as soon
> as I go there I would miss my sweetie.  Everything is all messed up.
> I don't know who I am or where I am going. I like doing metaphysics
> in many different forms. It seems if only helps others but not me.
> Please give me some  dirrection.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, despite what you may have been told becoming the senator from
} New York is not going to make your life easier. Oh sure, you'd get
} to have some interns of your own. And yeah you might get to hob-nob
} with the Big Kids, but in the end your problem will still be there...
} unless...well...I mean, sheesh, you've gotten all the miles out of
} him I think you're going to get.  Why not just do what other women
} do when they get a lemon?  Sic a divorce lawyer on the scumbag.
}
} You owe the Oracle Eleanor Roosevelt's autograph on a mirror.


1128-06    (09qfh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Mr. Oracle, sir, I have an urgent question that needs an immediate
> answer right now!
>
>  What would have happened if Clive Sinclair had been in charge of
> Microsoft?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not a gender-specific oracle thank you very much!  But to address
} your question,
}
} 1976 Sir Clive codes BASIC smaller and tighter, and the Altair platform
} becomes the widely accepted standard for small computers.
}
} 1977 The Altair captures 60 percent of the exploding computer market,
} but Ed Roberts is enraged that other manufacturers are making
} peripherals, and destroys the company's facility with a homemade
} surface-to-surface missile based on the MOS 6502 chip.
}
} Sir Clive licenses BASIC to Apple and PET, both of which become
} formidable workstations for the high-end market.
}
} 1978 Sir Clive dumps the "really quite stone-age" Microsoft Basic in
} 1978, inventing a new language called the Highly Optimized Programming
} Environment, or HOPE. HOPE is cheap and revolutionary, and immediately
} purchased by all schools in England in preference over the government's
} offering, Parliament of the United Kingdom Educational Use Programming
} System, or PUKEUPS.  The Home Secretary testifies before the House
} of Commons that no one noticed what the acronym spelled.
}
} 1980 Sir Clive envisions the computer for the consumer, and begins
} producing software for his next-generation operting system, High
} Yield Programming Environment, or HYPE. The system will be designed
} to run multiple programs at once, and to respond to voice commands.
} He estimates that it will take at least 18 months to develop.
}
} Sinclair is criticized for problems with the latest version of HOPE
} (HOPE-Z2), including a tendency to erase itself when the cassette
} is jiggled.
}
} 1981 IBM adopts HOPE as its operating system for the IBM PC.  Sir Clive
} grants them full license over that version of the software, eliminating
} any chance of viable revenue stream from it.
}
} 1982 HOPE QZX-3 is released, which can support 32-bit hardware
} (although none exists commercially), and high-res color graphics.
} Consumers are slow to adopt the system, citing "features" like complete
} incompatibility with the previous operating system, and dvorak-only
} keyboard support.  Sir Clive presses on.
}
} The as-yet unreleased HYPE environment is acquiring features such as
} the "rotunda" which lets users view multiple applications, each with
} its own "application door."
}
} 1983 Sir Clive is dismayed at the use of his software for
} "entertainment" use, and promises that this will be remedied in the
} next release.  The public is baffled. He focuses his energy on a
} secret project known only as "that secret project of Clive's."
}
} 1984 Sir Clive is  miffed that Apple beat him to the punch with the
} GUI, and vows that HYPE will be released this year.
}
} Late in the year, the New Operating and Program Environment (NOPE)
} is released, which merges features of HYPE into HOPE, with the result
} that it is almost unusable.  The fact that the OS cannot run programs
} that have the word "game" in the title discourages young users from
} migrating.
}
} 1985 Sir Clive releases his long-awaited "secret project," which
} turns out to be a line of battery-powered personal helicopters.
}
} 1986 The wild success of Apple's Macintosh confirms for Sir Clive
} that HYPE is on the right track, and he promises a new, firm release
} date of late 1987.
}
} 1987 Nothing happens.  Really.
}
} 1988 The Microsoft name is sold to Amstrad in late Q3 to pay for the
} prescient but ill-concieved helicopter plan.
}
} 1989 Amstrad ditches HYPE and releases slightly-updated versions of
} NOPE for the Atari, Amiga, and Acorn platforms.
}
} 1990 Amstrad disappears lock, stock, and barrel, and is never heard
} from again, and no records can be found that it ever existed.
}
} 1991 Macintosh OS (49%)and IBM's OS/2(35%) constitute 84% of the
} small-computer OS market.
}
} 1992 Steve Jobs releases the top-secret port of MacOS to the intel
} platform.  Superior stability and greater market penertation for
} software begin the slide toward's Apple's dominance in the field.
} Steve Wozniak speaks very rudely to Steve Jobs and severs all official
} ties to the company.
}
} 1993 Federal officials block the planned acquisition of Intuit by
} Apple.  Apple is accused of pressuring OEMs to ship MacOS on all of
} their machines.
}
} 1994 IBM, struggling to maintain an 11% share of the PC market,
} tries to get Clive Sinclair involved with their next-generation OS.
} Sir Clive is very busy with miniaturizing solar-powered dogwalking
} machines, and turns the offer down.
}
} 1995 Apple is accused of unfair trade practices by the Justice
} Department.  The press questions Steve Jobs on the  whereabouts of
} Woz. It is rumored that Woz has performed an act of ritual suicide.
} He emerges from his extremely large house in Northern California and
} tells the press he has been hiking his yard for a few weeks and not
} been near a phone.
}
} 1996 Steve Jobs is the richest man on earth, but lives in a custom
} fully-armored porsche.  Woz has just purchased the boards of education
} of six western states, including california, with hopes of turning
} them around.
}
} 1997 To avoid the risk of anti-trust litigation, Apple purchases
} a minority interest in IBM and tries to revive interest in OS/2.
} Guy Kawasaki is arrested for the attempted murder of Steve Jobs.
} Kawasaki was calm in his statement,saying "the people at PARC warned us
} this might happen, that one of the team might turn to the dark side.
} I had to do this because of my love of the Mac and all that it once
} stood for."  Kawasaki was assisted in his escape from a California
} mental hospital by a guerilla group of some kind. His whereabouts
} have never been determined.
}
} 1998 Apple is sued by Cuisinart for integrating a food processor into
} every Apple computer.  "We're only doing what customers want," Jobs
} said at a press conference. "Everybody has to eat, we already make the
} software that runs the food processor, so we think slicer integration
} is a very logical step in the development of personal computing.
}
} A little-known UNIX-based system begins to gain popularity among
} technical types.  Apple moves to crush the movement in the press,
} and the Finnish originator of the system mysteriously disappears
} while going out for a bite to eat.
}
} 1999 The federal courts rule that Apple is a monopoly, but can't seem
} to print any of the documents that would enforce a commercial breakup.
} Attorney General Geoffery Fieger loses part of a finger on a reboot,
} and investigations continue...
}
}
} The oracle asks that you burn a Next computer on the altar, while
} chanting "Sir Clive full of grace..."


1128-07    (8cmh8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, inverse of the Noracle, and distant cousin of the
> Nandicle, please tell me...
>
> Is shaving with an electric razor that much better than shaving with a
> safety razor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, let me explain this one more time:
}
} The Aoracle answers questions about blood vessels near the heart.
} The Boracle answers questions about tunneling.
} The Coracle answers questions about obscure British oaths.
} The Doracle answers questions about entrances.
} The Eoracle answers questions about donkeys.
} The Foracle answers questions about purposes
} The Goracle answers questions about whose party it is, whose turn it is
}   to cry, and who owns whom.
} The Horacle answers questions about Lisa's professional life.
} The Ioracle answers questions about whether it's you, or . . . .
} The Joracle answers questions about Brooklynese mandibles.
} The KOracle answers questions about why so many boxing matches go the
}   distance.
} The Loracle answers questions about Data's brother.
} The Moracle answers follow-up questions.
} The Noracle answers questions about shaving.  (the anagram got screwed
}   up)
} The Oracle, that's Me, handles everything not covered here.  Side note:
}   the reasoning here is that among dieties, the brevity of your name
}   indicates your rank.  So Q is higher than Ra is higher than God is
}   higher than Zeus is higher than Shiva, etc.
} The Poracle answers questions about acne.  He gets the highest number
}   of questions, other than Me.
} The Quoracle makes sure that all of the others ore in attendence, just
}   like in the Senate or House.  He is the lowest among Us, for the
}   reason stated above.
} The Roracle answers questions about Rory B. Bellows, Rory Calhoun,
}   and other people infrequently appearing on The Simpsons.
} The Soracle answers questions about flying, and also handles the
}   complaints department.
} The Toracle answers questions about the bald star of "Plan 9 From Outer
}   Space," "Bride of the Monster," and "The Beast of Yucca Flats."
} The Uoracle answers questions about the same thing as the Ioracle.
} The Voracle answers questions about very-high-frequency omnidirectional
}   radio range.
} The Woracle answers questions about peoples worries.
} The Xoracle answers questions about silly names of fantasy serieses.
} The Yoracle answers questions about times gone by.
} The Zoracle answers questions about misspellings of Zot.
} And lastly, the ^C^Voracle answers questions about lists where the first
}   part of each item has been cut and pasted.  Any problems with this
}   answer should go to Him.
}
} So if you've been paying attention, you'll know which one to go to with
} your question.  That's right, right next door.
}
} You owe the Oracle a british made map of Racletown.  That is to say,
} an A-Z.


1128-08    (4bti5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I apply my job description (which I've never seen) to my
> Organization's Mission Statement (which nobody understands)?
>
> P.S.  I have to present my findings at a meeting in five hours.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use ready-made prose.  Here's a sample.  Use it, or change it to suit
} your needs.
}
} In this crucial time, it is imperative that all of us understand the
} implications of every action.  I am not the only one who needs to tailor
} performance to the tasks at hand.  We all must strive together to press
} in the direction that our Mission Statement leads us.  (show chart)
}
}   +                      A
}   +             B       /
}   +              \     /
}   +               \   /
}   +                \ /
}   ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
}
} When the Mission Statement points us towards A, the person who works
} with zeal but towards B is worse than lazy, for he drags us from our
} Mission.  In every aspect of my job, I always ensure that I am working
} towards A.  Any questions?
}
} You owe the Oracle a report of your presentation.


1128-09    (aime3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Culinary Oracle, who has many fish to fry,
>
> Is it true that, pound for pound, the tuna is heavier than
> any other fish of equal weight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: Sam Clam's Disco, about a half-hour after closing time.  The
} band members are crowded around a table, relaxing after another
} successful evening.
}
} JABBERJAW: That Wanda was in again tonight, did you see? Whoo-ee! I
}     wouldn't mind spawning upstream of HER eggs.
} SEBASTIAN: I hear you, mon.  Dat gal got a tail on her!
} CHARLIE: [contemptuously] Psschh!
} SEBASTIAN: Ay, what's da matter with you?
} CHARLIE: Don't you guys ever talk about anything else?  "She's so hot!
}     Check out the scales on that one! Hey baby, wanna spawn?" You
}     should take a look around you once in a while.
} JABBERJAW: I do, man, that's how I spotted Wanda!
} [Sebastian and Jabberjaw high-five each other.]
} CHARLIE: I'm talking about the WORLD, man!  The environment, the very
}     water we live in is slowly turning to poison, and all you guys
}     want to talk about is what riverbed you'll be sleeping in tonight.
} JABBERJAW: Yo, dude, you been tokin' Sebastian's seaweed?
} CHARLIE: I'm talking about junked nuclear warships leaching
}     radioactive waste in the North Pacific.*  A 4800-square-mile patch
}     of the Gulf of Mexico that doesn't have enough oxygen in the water
}     to support life.^  Heck, I was talkin' to Flipper the other day,
}     he said that even the noise levels are getting so high that he
}     can't navigate near shore these days.+
} SEBASTIAN: So what you want us to do about it mon?  You comin' over
}     all "save the whales," but I don' hear no ideas, eh?  You can't do
}     not'ing about it.
} CHARLIE: You gotta get informed, man!  Get informed, then go inform
}     other people!  No, I can't do anything myself, but get enough of
}     us together and we can!  But you just keep on spawning and don't
}     pay attention, and you're gonna end up like the Atlantic cod--in
}     30 years, their population has dropped 70 percent.~  They keep
}     spawning, and they're still dying off.
} JABBERJAW: Yeah, but what a way to go!
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest Hootie and the Blowfish CD, and a glance
} at the sources:
}
} *"Russian Armada poisons the seas," Insight on the News 15(25), July
}      5-12, 1999, pp. 14-16.
} ^"Death in the Gulf of Mexico," National Wildlife 37(4), June/July
}      1999, p. 48
} +"Seismic, other sound at issue in deepwater Gulf of Mexico," Oil &
}      Gas Journal 97(37), Sep 13, 1999, pp. 105-106
} ~"Trouble in Earth's liquid heart," International Wildlife 29(5),
}      Sep/Oct 1999, p. 28


1128-10    (12dro dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh super-nifty Oracle, who would never castrate his supplicants in the
> hope of passing them off as aliens...
>
> I was sitting around the house the other day, trying to think of a way
> to MAKE $$$ FAST!!!, when I had a flash of inspiration.  Why not start
> my very own cult?  I mean, why should L. Ron Hubbard and Amway have all
> the fun?  It wouldn't be anything as fancy as the operation you
> currently run, of course, but I figure it would be nice enough to at
> least buy me that Porsche I've had my eye on.  So my question is: what
> should I do to get started?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple! Just print and fill out the following form, and mail it along
} with a check for $199.95 (plus additional charges, see below) to:
}
}   Internet Oracle, Inc. (Department of Insanity, Cults, and Religion)
}   1 Oracle Way
}   Bloomington, IN 47405
}
} Within 6-8 weeks, Internet Oracle, Inc. will provide you with your
} very own cult! But hurry, as this limited-time offer ends soon!
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
}                       Form #34HF896739675-NUT-9
}                   (Special cult/religion order form)
}
} 1. GENERAL
}
} Name of cult: ________________________________________________________
} Name of leader: _______________________  Initial members (max 50): ___
} Creepy new name of leader: ___________________________________________
} Address (billing) : __________________________________________________
} Address (shipping): __________________________________________________
}
} Please indicate the type of cult you would prefer:
} ( ) Apocalyptic doomsday.
}        Please specify date of doomsday: ________  *REAL* date: _______
}        Real, final, actual, One True date(s): ________________________
} ( ) Racial supremacist.
}        Please specify Superior/Inferior race(s): _________/___________
} ( ) New-age nature-worshipping nudist.
} ( ) Multi-level marketing pusher.
} ( ) "One True" variant of existing religion.
}        Please specify religion: ______________________________________
} ( ) New major world religion. ($99.95 service charge may apply. Please
}                       allow an additional 1-2 millennia for delivery.)
} ( ) Other (specify): _________________________________________________
}
} Please indicate your primary aim in starting your cult:
} ( ) Money.
} ( ) Power.
} ( ) Sex.
} ( ) Martyrdom. (Please specify mode of death:)
}       ( ) Crucifixion.
}       ( ) BATF/FBI siege.
}       ( ) Holy war.
}       ( ) Forced usage of new deja.com interface.
}       ( ) Other (Quick, painless).
}       ( ) Other (Slow, painful, and gruesome).
}
} 2. DICHOTOMIES
}
} Please indicate what your cult is to unquestioningly worship:
} ( ) Peace, love, and understanding.
} ( ) Violence, hatred, and closed-mindedness.
} ( ) Alcohol, tobacco, and firearms.
} ( ) You.
} ( ) Large interplanetary chunks of ice.
} ( ) Other (specify): _________________________________________________
}
} Please indicate what your cult is to unquestioningly hate:
} ( ) Members of the __________ ( ) race.
}                    __________ ( ) religion.
}                    __________ ( ) political party.
} ( ) The Government(TM).
} ( ) Microsoft(R). (Get a special 10% discount off all services!)
} ( ) Barney, Teletubbies, etc.
} ( ) They / Them.
} ( ) All non-believers.
} ( ) All humanity.
} ( ) Other (specify): _________________________________________________
}
} 3. DIVINE INTERVENTION
}
} Please indicate any miracle(s) you would like your followers to
} witness. (Additional charges apply.)
}
} Qty.  Miracle(s)                                    Charge:
} ____  ( ) Resurrection. (See "Martyrdom", above.)   $299.95
} ____  ( ) Virgin birth.                             $399.95
} ____  ( ) Saturday night live being funny again.    $559.95
} ____  ( ) Windows(R) running for more than 16       $619.95
}           consecutive hours.
} ____  ( ) Usenet flamewar ending in apology.        $999.95
}
} Please indicate any natural disaster(s) you would like to occur, and
} on what date(s). (Additional charges apply.)
}
} Date(s):   Disaster(s):                        Charge:
} _________  ( ) Earthquake. (Magnitude: __.__)  $365.95
} _________  ( ) Hurricane. (Category: ___)      $299.95
} _________  ( ) Plague of locusts.              $ 49.95 (Sale!)
} _________  ( ) Alien invasion.                 $429.95
} _________  ( ) deja.com upgrade.               Free!
} _________  ( ) Planetary destruction.          $999.95 (Special offer:
}                HALF OFF on January 1st, 2000! Hurry, offer ends soon!)
}
} BONUS OFFER: Respond within the next month and receive special
}              discounts on Oracle Premium(R) Brand anthrax spores,
}              Sarin nerve gas, plutonium, and low-fat apple pudding!!!
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle $199.95 (plus all of your worldly possessions S&H).


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