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24 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:49:32 GMT

Internet Oracularities #113

Goto:
113, 113-01, 113-02, 113-03, 113-04, 113-05, 113-06, 113-07, 113-08, 113-09, 113-10


Usenet Oracularities #113    (16 votes, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Feb 90 21:10:49 GMT

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113   16 votes 34342 63223 24361 13633 24532 15460 02347 23362 12355 42424
113   3.1 mean  2.9   2.6   3.0   3.2   2.9   2.9   4.0   3.2   3.7   3.0


113-01    (34342 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I talking to the L.A. Times?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Mr.  Buckey, as I understand it, you were recently acquitted of
} what was it, fifty-two child molestation counts in the McMartin
} pre-school case, an event that drew quite a media crowd, in particular,
} the L.A.  Times.  Since you seem to think the Times greatly slanted the
} coverage in favor of the prosecution, I suspect you're talking to them
} to see if you can obtain a tidy private settlement just in case they
} want to avoid defending a slander suit.
}
} Ray, the prosecution may have botched the case.  The tapes of the kids
} might have been questionable.  The jury might have acquitted you, but
} you and I know better, don't we Ray?
}
} You owe the Oracle...no, the Oracle owes you a date with Bubba "let me
} boogie in your butt" Washington.


113-02    (63223 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I like Skittles(R) so much?  It's beginning to become an
> obsession!  I must be eating at least a kilo a day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Sung in a manic chattering voice.]
}
} Skittles are so nice and good,
} They don't taste like they're made of wood,
} We all love Skittles every day,
} They're much more fun to eat than hay.
} We snarf down Skittles by the box --
} It's better for us than eating rocks!
} Skittles skittles are so great!
} Twice as good as shale or slate!
} Skittles are the food for me!
} So much nicer than drinking pee!
} Skittles skittles, give me more!
} They're better than being sent to war!
} Skittles are more fun than sex
} With Tammy Faye and other wrecks!
} Skittles skittles make me laugh
} Much more than being cut in half!
} Skittles skittles make me smile
} Much wider than sucking bathroom tile!
} Skittles skittles make me grin,
} They don't taste like they're made of tin!
} So eat up all your Skittles now,
} And just lean back and say "OH WOW!"


113-03    (24361 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the world's largest generator of low-level nuke waste?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tiffany's Whore House in Waco Texas (their motto is 'You'll glow for
} two reasons when you cum out').
}
} You owe the Oracle a lead-lined condom.


113-04    (13633 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the best teenager?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, let it be known, HATES ill-defined questions.  For, on an
} ill-defined question, the Oracle must Decide How To Answer, rather than
} merely Lying.
}
} Since the Questioner, in its utter filth, failed to properly define the
} word "BEST", the Oracle will use its own omniscent definition, AS
} FOLLOWS:
}
} 1) He/She/It must not have any religion.  Religion fucks up people's
} minds, and they start going to church.  Then they start doing things
} like masturbating to orgasm while reminding themselves they are not
} supposed to like it.
}
} 2) It must not be a Republican.  Republicans make Campaign Contributions
} to Dan Quayle, wear Rolex watches, and eat artifically colored ice
} cream.
}
} 3) It must not be a Democrat.  Democrats vote for whoever has the most
} trees on TV, drink gin till they throw up, and eat artificially flavored
} beef.
}
} Note that through the above qualifications, the Oracle has neatly
} eliminated 95% of American Youth.  Other countries do not count.
} America is the only country that has Teenagers.  In case the Questioner
} did not notice, the Oracle is proceeding by a process of Elimination,
} which continues:
}
} 4) It must score at least a 0173 on the Hacker Test.  Non-Hackers are
} all scared that they might press the wrong keys on the keyboard.
}
} The above whacks off 99.999% of the remainder, leaving a pool of only
} 200 teenagers left.
}
} 5) It must either 1) Use no drugs at all, or 2) Use drugs daily in high
} doses.  Wimps need not apply.
}
} Only 3 people in the United States between ages 13 and 19 now are left.
} Joe and Burt are jerks, so the grand winner of the Oracle's Best
} Teenager In The World Contest is:
}
}                 XXXXXXXXXX X.  XXXXXXXXX
}
} Did the Questioner actually think the Oracle would _reveal_ the name of
} the Oracle-In-Training?  After all that effort?  Never!  Never!
} Hahahahahaha!
}
} Better Luck Next Time.


113-05    (24532 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Jason Prondack a psychopath?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jason hates his fellow human beings.
} He likes to see blood and guts spill out all over.
} Then he likes to go out for a beer.
} In other words, he's a perfectly normal American.
}
} You owe the Oracle three of your fingers.


113-06    (15460 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My heart
> it shivers
> My liver
> it quivers
> My stomach
> it lurches
> My nose
> it runs
>   in churches.
>
> Wise Oracle, suppose I made two little plugs
> out of tofu for my nostrils?  Then not only would
> the flow stop, but I'd have protein-rich snack
> afterwards!  Should I pursue this idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use twinkies instead.  They're more absorbent.


113-07    (02347 dist, 4.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it possible for a human to have oral sex with a swan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait, I'll check.
}
} [ Listening, you hear nothing. Then
}
}
}   ####    ####   #    #    ##    #    #  #    #
}  #       #    #  #    #   #  #   #    #  #   #
}   ####   #    #  #    #  #    #  #    #  ####
}       #  #  # #  #    #  ######  # ## #  #  #
}  #    #  #   #   #    #  #    #  ##  ##  #   #
}   ####    ### #   ####   #    #  #    #  #    #
}
} SQUARK, SQU-GLBGLBGBLBGLBGLBGLBGLB. AAAAAHHHH! ]
}
} I'm back.
}
} The answer is yes, but that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new swan.


113-08    (23362 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, I know Lisa is our net.sex.goddess, but are there any other
> net.???????????.gods/goddesses, and who are their names?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see:
}
} Lisa          net.sex.goddess
} Barbara               net.suppleness.goddess
}
} These are known to everyone. But there are some lesser known
} gods/godesses. Here is a list of a few of them:
}
} Dave          net.sex.god (has a totally platonic relationship with
}                            Lisa)
} Henry         net.homosexual.god
} Luigi         net.pizza.god
} Sophia        net.pasta.goddess
} Alicia        net.coffee.goddess
} Gene          net.net.god
} Robert        net.driving.god
} Mark          net.paranoia.goddess
} Jill          net.design.goddess
} Rachel        net.laughter.goddess
} Bill          net.laughter.god
} Steve         net.oracle.god
}
} Finally,
}
} God           net.overall.god
}
} One more note: to find out any more about net.*.god{esse}s, you can't
} ask a net.*.god{ess}. They simply don't know, as possesion of such
} knowledge is deemed to be an evil thing. You have to ask:
}
} rwhod         net.who.daemon
}
} You owe the oracle some more ideas.


113-09    (12355 dist, 3.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one recover from a bout of being irretrievably stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wish I knew.  I was going out with a wonderful girl with an incredible
} sense of humor (up to professional levels, as I aspire to be.) Then I
} did something on New Years' Eve that I don't remember because I was
} incredibly drunk and had a memory blackout.  Now she hardly talks to me
} at all.  You have asked one of the most difficult questions in the
} universe.  And I'm at a loss for an answer.  But I can consult higher
} authorities.
}
} !phone god@genesis.heaven.omni
} Busy?
} -o
}
} Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 19:24
} What is it this time?!
} -o
} Someone wants to know how to recover from a bout of being
} irretrievably stupid.
} -o
} You apologize.  If that doesn't work, you recover by considering it
} a learning experience.
} -o
} OK, I'll tell him.  Thanks.
} -o
} I'll send you a list of questions I received in prayers later on
} tonight for you to answer...
} -oo
} EOT
} ^D
}
} That's God's opinion.  Now for some other opinions...
}
} !phone satan@rushdie.hell.omni
} Got a minute?
} -o
}
} Message from satan@rushdie.hell.omni (Lucifer) on p0 at 19:32 ...
} What the fuck do you want, Oracle?!
} -o
} Your computer is called Rushdie?
} -o
} Yeah... that's where Salman is hiding right now.  He's saved on a
} hard disk until everything blows over.
} -o
} I have a question.  How do you recover from a bout of being
} irretrievably stupid?
} -o
} You sell your soul to me and I'll fix everything.
} -o
} That's stupid!
} -o
} Fuck you too.
} EOT
} ^D
}
} So much for that.  One more try...
}
} !phone cthulthu@necro.chaos.omni
} Can I ask you a question?
} -o
}
} Message from cthulthu@necro.chaos.omni () on p1 at 19:36 ...
} Sure.
} -o
} How does one recover from a bout of being irretrievably stupid?
} -o
} The entire spell is detailed in the Necronomicron.
} -o
} OK, thanks.
} EOT
} ^D
}
} Well, there you have it.  If you're not happy with that, piss off.


113-10    (42424 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yuck!  What is this slimy green thing on my bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wasn't it a good dream, though?
}
} You owe the oracle some Delta Sleep.


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