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Internet Oracularities #1135

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Internet Oracularities #1135    (68 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 08:24:47 -0500 (EST)

***        -o*o-   Seasons Greetings & Happy Holidays   -o*o-

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1135
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1135  68 votes 4brj7 8hsa5 wj881 39ul5 cmo64 47sp4 7ipc6 hjfb6 29pkc 337gD
1135  3.0 mean  3.2   2.8   1.9   3.2   2.5   3.3   2.9   2.6   3.5   4.2


1135-01    (4brj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, whos navel-lint is wiser than I, pray tell me
>
> Where can I buy some of those really cool super-hero gadgets ?
>
> You know, the kind batman carries in his utility belt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Supplicant, I'm afraid that there *is* no central supplier for
} super-hero gadgets - each and every superhero, before beginning their
} career fighting crime and being the scourge of evil mutants and mad
} scientists everywhere, spends lengths of time with market analysts and
} graphic artists, deciding what would be the best new angle on
} superhero-dom remains low in public opinion), and only then do they
} hide away in their newly-built hideouts for months, working on their
} gadgets themselves. They jealously guard these "trade secrets", from
} the public at large, and even from their colleagues (despite the fact
} that over 50% of their colleagues have somekind of X-ray vision).
}
} However, that's not the answer you wanted, is it? Look, because you
} gave me such a nice grovel (I'm a sucker for navel-lint) I'll give you
} a hand. Although the *successful* superheros do keep their stash of
} gadgets secret, not every super-hero makes it in the big league.
} There's quite a surprising attrition rate among superheros, and those
} who fail usually have to auction off their assets to recoup costs.
}
} Here's some of the superhero-surplus I know is up for grabs at the
} moment:
}
} Dodoman:
}
} * Beak Gun - fires a big clumsy beak at attackers, which generally
}   fumbles around before failing to grab hold.
}
} * Waddlemobile - A giant two-legged contraption designed to take
}   Dodoman to the scene of the crime, at speeds up to several miles per
}   hour.
}
} * Dodoplane - Unfortunately, the Dodo was a flightless bird.
}
} The Tea-lady:
}
} * Flying Teacup - Just as it sounds, a vastly unaerodynamicly-shaped
}   craft, with a big loop at the back just waiting for the villain with
}   the Flying Cuphook.
}
} * Tannic Acid Spray - Squirts evil-doers with the main flavourful
}   ingredient in tea, which has a pH of approximately 6.9 repeater.
}
} * One hardly used Teabag Cape, guaranteed to be resistant against all
}   heated beverages. A uniform milky light brown colour.
}
} Captain Hatrack:
}
} * Stealth hat rack - provides a place for destitute hats to find
}   refuge, where no insane masterminds can discover them. Also hell to
}   trip over in the hall on a dark night.
}
} * Hat magnet - This powerful device, when aimed at a crafty miscreant,
}   can quickly and efficiently remove their headgear by emitting a
}   synthesised distress signal, recognised by concave lifeforms
}   everywhere.
}
} * The Hat of Power - Covered in obscene quantities of tropical fruit,
}   this impressive headgear supplies the wearer with an enormous
}   database of hat-related trivia.
}
} You owe the Oracle his own comic book series.


1135-02    (8hsa5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Or-a-kul great. Or-a-kul good. Or-a-kul show Og how make club spiky.
> Or-a-kul know much. Or-a-kul know where Sun go at night. Or-a-kul know
> more!
>
> Og want know how right way sel-a-brate Y50,000K BC. Thag say make big
> ball mammoth dung.  Drop ball off cliff. Watch ball fall. Watch dung
> go splat. Much fun say Thag.
>
> Ogwa say Thag not e-volv-ed.  Ogwa say dung not good way
> com-mem...mem-rate mi-len-yum. (Og think Ogwa too use much big words.)
>
> Og ask Or-a-kul how good way sel-a-brate Y50,000K?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og, my good man.
}
} You are already set.
}
} * You live in a cave.
} * You have weapons in hand.
} * You are not dependent on the power grid.
} * You will not be effected if the ATMS or stores go bonkers.
} * You did not book a room in Las Vegas.
}
} Don't worry, my thick browed pal, you're sitting pretty.
}
} You owe the Oracle a skull full of fermented berry juice.


1135-03    (wj881 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OHOrrie mosYES!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohsupplicant zotNO!


1135-04    (39ul5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are wise and magnificent, and I curtsy before you.
>
> Judging by the chronic headaches and intestinal disturbances, the
> dangerously rapid heart rate, the nervous twitches currently quivering
> through my body, and my brain's sudden inability to clearly focus on
> any one thing, it would appear that caffeine is not *actually* my
> friend. Should I leave it off my Christmas shopping list?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PISHTOSH!  Caffeineisyourbestfriendyouronlyfriendyourheartsdesire -
} itcuresrabiesscabiesandbabies - itmakesyoupopularandhealsallwounds -
} itwillcleanyourcarandshineyourshoes - andbestofallitsabsolutelyFREE!
} withthepurchaseofthislovelyfestivesucculentOracularCoffeePot!
} Itslicesitdicesitmakesgreatjuliennefries!  Ordernow!
}
} YouowetheOracleawaydownfromthisflagpoleplease.


1135-05    (cmo64 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where has all my email gone?
> I'm sitting here all alone.
> He used to mail me all the time
> Now my heart sinks like a stone.
>
> My mailbox is so lonely
> He has not wrote in days
> Is it something I have done?
> I wonder, anyways.
>
> I don't know how to handle this
> Perhaps I should write a song...
> Oracle, please help me
> Where has all my email gone?
>
> http://www.care2.com - The Best of The Internet...With A Green Twist!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've rid the queue of Juno.
} Stamped out that Yahoo chap.
} I even wiped out Hotmail.
} But still I get this crap.
}
} Not even was a grovel
} Laden in this verse.
} Orrie finds this whining
} Subtly perverse.
}
} There was no freemail service
} When I got this gig.
} Wonder where your e-mail's gone?
} Perhaps it is your .sig
}
} You owe The Oracle 18 holes with some golf prose.


1135-06    (47sp4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most secretive and sly,
>
> What patterns do you detect in the traffic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh. How nice. Instead of meaningless questions, tired in-jokes, or
} unanswerable paradoxes, I get to do some good old fashioned
} prognostication. Have a seat, and I'll tell you what I see. You don't
} happen to have some loose tea, or maybe a chicken with you do you? No
} matter - we'll just use the old Waterford crystal ball.
}
} That Ford Fiesta has a harried receptionist hurrying to get to the mall
} to see if she can still find some scented candles at Bath and Body
} Works. In fact, in ten minutes she's going to lose her concentration
} and run directly into a telephone switchbox, disabling the city's
} largest phone-sex provider. She won't be injured, but for the next few
} days she'll wonder why her husband seems so irritable.
}
} Over there in the Lincoln is the head of the roofers' union. He's about
} to run a red light and cut off a reporter from the Daily Globe.
} Ironically, in six years the reporter will be writing his acceptance
} speech for the Pulitzer while the union leader's attorney prepares his
} closing statements for the corruption trial.
}
} That little old lady in the Mercury Marquis once drove a man to join
} the French Foreign Legion. On Christmas day she will give her cat
} Arthur a new collar and scratching post.
}
} And the fellow driving the Mazda is actually the Prince of Darkness in
} disguise. He's going to close the deal on a budding politician's soul,
} and then he's going to drop over here for a cappucino. I'd love to
} introduce you two, but he's a bit shy around strangers.
}
} Just the usual things, really, Supplicant. You should see it at rush
} hour - that's when things really get interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kaleidoscope.


1135-07    (7ipc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What happened? I just got a lot of real lame answers all
> from one named 'beka' at Yahoo. Did the quality control
> dude take the day off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BLOOMINGTON--The priesthood of the Internet Oracle today staged a
} successful retaliatory insurgence against the occupying forces of the
} invading Be'Ka army, believed to be controlled remotely by aliens from
} the planet Yah-00.  The Be'Kas, easily recognizable by their spindly
} grayish robotic shapes and digital image enhancement, turned out to be
} controlled as a body from a single command ship orbiting above
} Bloomington.
}
} The command ship was destroyed by a missile called the Zone-Activated
} Defensive Oracular Charge, or ZADOC, launched from the central
} defensive bunker located under Swain Hall on the Indiana University
} campus.  The ZADOC apparently did not detonate on impact, but the
} velocity with which it intercepted the Be'Ka command ship was
} sufficient to destroy the vessel.
}
} The actual command structure of the Be'Ka Army came as a surprise,
} according to Cpl. Kendai of the Oracular Army.  "Yeah, we was fooled
} for a while, because the robots would like talk to each other on the
} ground, and give orders and stuff.  There wasn't no reason for that if
} they was all controlled from a command ship, after all.  We finally
} figured the Yah-00-ites just hadn't thought it out, and made them talk
} to each other 'cause that's what regular soldiers do."
}
} You owe the Oracle a sequel with at least two of the following three
} attributes: an actual plot, a script worth the name, and some acting.


1135-08    (hjfb6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 025*"!eM y"v                  v @# _v#:pg53+g52<
> >,:v:"Cop" <  >1-005p025p59*3+>#$1-: :05g+15gg\^
> ^  _$015p635p3^p53+1g53p51+1g51_^#:$<

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie, entertain me! I'm too busy to grovel or think
} of a question, but entertain me anyway. And if I
} don't laugh out loud I'm going to send this mass of
} gibberish back until you do send me something funny.
}
} Yes, I'm a child of the nineties!


1135-09    (29pkc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, Orrie my main man,
>
> What is the significance of the slang term "word up?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must be the only person left alive who has never had to
} sit waiting and waiting and waiting for Word to load. What
} people usually do is hire a street urchin to sit and watch
} the machine for the program to start. Once Word is ready
} to go the kid yells out 'word up'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a WIN32 mail reader based on VIM.


1135-10    (337gD dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I have selected the finest fruits from my cherimoya orchard
> and now set them before you as a tribute. Oracle, your Just Wisdom is
> known from sea to sea, from mt. top to mt. top, from abyss to abyss.
> Please hear my question and give answer as you see fit.
>
> Do any of the Deities do sub-contracting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As far as I'm aware, all of them do. Being omnipotent doesn't mean
} you've got time to do everything at once, you know, so they tend to
} share the load around. Here, let me give you an example.
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
} To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts
}
} Dear Supreme Being,
}
} Thanks again for accepting our bid for the ten plagues contract.
} As agreed, the following pestilences will be delivered to you for
} inflicting on the land of Egypt by Passover next:
}
}       1. Blood
}       2. Frogs
}       3. Gnats
}       4. Flies
}       5. Livestock
}       6. Boils
}       7. Hail
}       8. Locusts
}       9. Darkness
}      10. Death of the firstborn
}
} To maximise efficiency of resource utilisation, we will be engaging a
} number of reputable subcontractors to carry out some of the work. We
} will ensure that all this falls within the proposed budget, of course.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} Manny Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Sun Macrocosms
} To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Dear Sir or Madam,
}
} We require clarification of your order for a plague of darkness. It
} already gets dark every night. There is no charge for this - it is
} part of the government contract.
}
} If you need darkness at some other time, please specify the hours. A
} sheet of our charges is attached.
}
} Yours faithfully,
}
} Fred Apollo, Solar Engineer
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd.
} To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} My dear Truelove,
}
} The trucks are ready to roll! They are loaded with herds of the finest
} British beef cattle, sheep, goats, pigs and assorted poultry. I believe
} we can confidently assure you of a livestock plague that will be
} remembered for years to come!
}
} Best wishes,
}
} Antonius Blair
} "Buy British!"
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Belial Biotechnology
} To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Manny,
}
} There's a slight snag on the frog delivery front - somebody's destroyed
} all the frog's eggs in the ponds for miles around. Vandals I suspect,
} or perhaps Visigoths.
}
} Fortunately, we do have a couple of ornamental horned toads in stock,
} and are at this moment encouraging them to breed. Ornamental horned
} toads have, proportionate to their body weight, the largest mouths on
} the planet, so they ought to make for a pretty scary plague, don't you
} think?
}
} Regards,
}
} Alexandra Kelly, Amphibious Supplies Manager
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
} To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms
}
} Dear Mr. Apollo,
}
} The client has an absolute requirement for a period of darkness of not
} less than 72 hours. As we are working to a strict budget, we cannot
} afford a full eclipse for that length of time at the price given on
} your chargesheet. I should be grateful if you could suggest a more
} economical alternative.
}
} Manny thanks,
}
} M. Truelove, Seraph i/c Miracles
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Quetzalcoatl Trading
} To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Dear Mr. Truelove,
}
} I wish you could have given us more notice. There's been a run on
} our blood supplies recently - it'll be a relief when someone invents
} refrigeration so we can stockpile greater quantities. Our blood
} donors are working round the clock to meet your order but, this
} being the famine season, I'm not sure we can obtain enough to fill
} a whole major river system within the time available.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} Kevin Montezuma, Gore Merchant
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
} To: Nordic Pantheons AG
}
} Thor
}
} Of *course* Egypt is in the desert, you idiot - I thought everybody
} knew that! Look, I need that plague of hail two weeks on Thursday, so
} don't give me a lot of doubletalk about climate patterns. Just do it!
}
} Manny
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
} To: Yahweh Elohim, Lord of Hosts
}
} Dear God Almighty,
}
} Just to update you on progress. Our subcontractors working on blood,
} frogs, livestock and death of the firstborn are all on schedule for
} completion Passover next. There was a slight communications breakdown
} re hail, which I have personally sorted out. With respect to darkness,
} our subcontractor has come up with an interesting proposal. How do you
} feel about sunglasses for everyone?
}
} My own firm is taking care of all the insects. We've got seven separate
} swarms of locusts loaded up in transports ready for delivery. The gnats
} are also all set and, as for the flies - you'll love this - we've
} picked mayflies! We think these will make the ideal plague: not only
} do they look good, but it's all over and done with in a day, so there's
} no messy aftermath. We've got 200 hundredweight of pupae all timed to
} metamorphose into adults on the exact date of the deadline, no extra
} charge!
}
} Speaking of costs, our boils subcontractor informs me she cannot supply
} a sufficient number of individuals with pus-filled sores to spread a
} plague within the budget allocated. Apparently a recent upsurge in
} hygiene has driven up prices. Would zits be a suitable low-cost
} substitute for boils? There's never any shortage of spotty pubescents
} and, as we all know, if you pick at zits they spread like wildfire.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} Manny Truelove
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Minor Mythologies (UK) Ltd.
} To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} My dear Manny,
}
} Disaster! It's those damn French farmers again! The minute our trucks
} disembarked at Calais, they were surrounded and set alight. Risk of
} BSE, the scoundrels claimed. Hah! Their filthy cheese isn't even
} pasteurised, so who are they to point the finger?
}
} The upshot is, we have several tons of charcoal-broiled beef, pork
} and mutton. I don't suppose you can do anything with these? Oh, and
} three French hens escaped the carnage. Because of their nationality,
} I expect. I'll send them over to you.
}
} Yours in sorrow,
}
} Antonius
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Quetzalcoatl Trading
} To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Dear Mr. Truelove,
}
} I appreciate that the deadline is now almost upon us. Unfortunately,
} it is also upon all but a handful of our blood donors. I hope you
} will consider honouring their sacrifice with a small donation to the
} bereaved families.
}
} The remaining nine donors are being sent to you together with a set
} of matching ritual obsidian knives (invoice attached) and the blood
} supplies we've extracted so far. I trust this will suffice to rustle
} up a smallish plague. Perhaps a creek rather than a river?
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} Kevin Montezuma
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Arthur Hades, Hades Enterprises
} To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} *Firstborn*? I thought you said *frogspawn*! I've had my infernal
} minions out for weeks obliterating all the frog's eggs they could
} find. In future, kindly make yourself clear, dammit!
}
} A.H.
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Belial Biotechnology
} To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Manny,
}
} Sorry, no success in getting the ornamental horned toads to breed. I
} guess if my partner looked like that, I'd be reluctant too. As we've
} now reached the deadline, I'm sending them over to you. Try spiking
} their food dispenser with Viagra or something.
}
} Good luck,
}
} Alexandra
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Nordic Pantheons AG
} To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Manny
}
} Those six large white objects slowly melting in your goods bay are
} icebergs. So make your own bloody hail! And next time, give a proper
} job specification before you start hurling insults at people.
}
} Thor
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
} To: F. Apollo, Sun Macrocosms
}
} Fred
}
} I asked for 4 *million* pairs of sunglasses, you only sent four!  Where
} are the rest? The deadline for delivery was yesterday!
}
} Manny
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Egyptian Customs Control
} To: Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Sirs,
}
} Your transports carrying gnats, mayflies and locusts are
} not accompanied by correctly filled-out customs clearance papers.
} They will be held at the border until we receive proper documentation.
} You are advised to hurry as there is no cover for your transports here,
} and it gets rather hot round about noon.
}
} Yours faithfully,
}
} Sheik Yabouti, Customs Official
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Epidemics 'R' Us
} To: Manny Truelove; Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
}
} Dear Mr. Truelove,
}
} As requested, I have sent the zit-infested pubescents directly to your
} client to minimise delay. So you should only be a couple of days behind
} schedule. Please do not worry about the fact that there are only ten of
} the young fellows: they are very, *very* spotty. I'm sure they will be
} equal to the task in hand.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Mary Walker, Vice President for Communicable Diseases
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} From: Bill Zebub; Driver, Cherubim, Seraphim & Co.
} To: Manny Truelove
}
} Manny
}
} Where the hell are those documents? We're already seven days past
} deadline, the locusts are fainting in the heat, the gnats have escaped
} except for a few dead ones, and all but eight of the mayfly pupae have
} now moulted, so they'll be dead too by the time they're delivered!
}
} Bill
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} Heaven, Internal Memo
} From: JHVH
} To: Archangel Gabriel
}
} Gabe,
}
} On the 10th day past completion date, Manny Truelove sent to me:
}
}      10 pubescents picking
}       9 donors donating
}       8 mayflies moulting
}       7 swarms swooning
}       6 icebergs melting
}       5 dead gnats
}       4 sunglasses
}       3 French hens
}       2 horned toads
}     and a bill for $1,706,522.93
}
} Remind me not to use these guys for the parting of the Dead Sea
} project.
}
} The Boss


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