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16 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:09:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #116

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116, 116-01, 116-02, 116-03, 116-04, 116-05, 116-06, 116-07, 116-08, 116-09, 116-10


Usenet Oracularities #116    (16 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 13 Feb 90 23:26:57 GMT

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116   16 votes 25423 00367 34450 04633 43432 28501 34540 22750 22075 03742
116   3.1 mean  2.9   4.2   2.7   3.3   2.8   2.4   2.6   2.9   3.7   3.3


116-01    (25423 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am willing to answer questions for you, oh wise Oracle, but I wonder
> why you ask me the same question twice.  Could it possibly be that you
> have forgotten my previous answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now you have taught me the answer to this question, oh Oracle.  I sent
} you this question from my account on a different machine.  How wise and
} wonderful you are by sending me my own question to answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle more respect.


116-02    (00367 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My wife and I came home from a relaxing vacation and found the house in
> a shambles.  The young woman who we hired to house-sit for us met us at
> the door and simply said, "We broke the waterbed, and...we bronzed the
> dog." Then she left.
>
> Just what HAPPENED while we were gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Only the best damn party this Oracle has EVER been to, and that takes
} into account the last three millennium !  I mean things got frisky,
} mighty fast.  Um, how to begin this tawdry tale.  Well, your house
} sitter is a personal friend of Lisa's, and Crystal Therapy's too.  At
} first we were just going over to play twister when Crystal breaks out
} her stash of York Peppermint Patties.  Do you remember the commercial
} about the guy who takes a bite out of one of those puppies and, next
} thing you know, he's skiing in his living room?  No joke, they really
} pack a punch.  I can't remember stuff this good since the days of BWP,
} (Berkeley Window Pane for the youngsters).  I usually save half of one
} for the next Dead concert.
}
}  Anyway, Lisa said we really ought to get more folks to this little
} party, and if we did, she would play "The Lost Shepherd Girl and the
} Naughty Monk" with anyone who could get a hard copy of the current rules
} and regulations.  Well, the place went wild.  A couple of kids from Cal
} Tech made a make shift Time Space Continuum Connector out of your water
} bed.  Seems the mattress is really good for cushioning a landing from
} more than 20 light years or 300 regular years away.  The kids were kind
} of loopy though, they were washing down the York Patties with Aqua Velva
} and generally not paying attention to the transfer of a group of Elder
} Gods.  That's when the bed broke.
}
}  Of course, your dog, being the faithful animal he is, er was, tried to
} stop it all.  I'm not sure who from the party actually "did him" but I'm
} told by several on lookers that it was a most unpleasant site.  I helped
} bronze fido.  You'll notice your collection of bowling trophies are
} missing, sorry, it was the only alloy we could get on short notice.  We
} made him into a statue for two reasons.  One, he can't tell anybody,
} (However, most of the evenings more lascivious practices are recorded on
} your VCR.  I strongly recommend you not let the children anywhere near
} it).  Two, Frisky really doesn't look too bad that way.  I got most of
} the internal organs back where they should be, sort of.  And really, the
} only thing that would tip you off that something isn't quite right with
} him, other than the complete lack of movement, is that utterly surprised
} expression on his puss.  I don't blame him though.
}
}  Well, that's it.  There's a message from your insurance agent.
} Apparently after we got the tear in the fabric of time fixed, things are
} still at a slight tilt in other dimensions.  Those Cal Tech boys are
} really goofy.  You are basically no longer in "Good Hands".  Your agent
} was a bit more brusque, something about the "Good Hands being used to
} grab your balls and squeeze till your eyes pop" or some such.  Ignore
} him, he's still pissed about the swirly he got from a group of really
} wasted cherubs.
}
}  You owe the Oracle another party, only this time without the Swat Team.


116-03    (34450 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle will not accept questions is Sign Language.  Please
} translate your question into English and resubmit.


116-04    (04633 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just went through my "monthly cleaning" cycle which means that I get
> rid of files that I don't need, archive ones that I may need but not
> right away, and reorganize the others into neat catalogs.  I found a big
> pile of files that I don't recognize.  Would you identify them for me?
>
> F:\USER\xxxxxxxx\TMP\DIARY\LISA
>    jan1989.txt
>    feb1989.txt
>    mar1989.txt
>    apr1989.txt
>    may1989.txt
>    jun1989.txt
>    jul1989.txt
>    aug1989.txt
>    sep1989.txt
>    oct1989.txt
>    nov1989.txt
>    dec1989.txt
>    jan1990.txt (file marked as open)
>
> What should I do with these files?  They are marked with various
> attributes including an owner of ``net.sex.goddess.''
>
> Signed, an ordinary guy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid Lisa is toying with you.  About once a month she finds an
} ordinary guy like you and drops a tasty little gum-drop of an event into
} his otherwise dreary life.  It's kind of like pro-bono work.
}
} You have tried to read these files and found them to be write-protected
} against everyone.  You tried to chmod them as superuser, but that didn't
} work either.  What you really wanted to ask me is how to read the files,
} but you wouldn't because you didn't want to admit that you couldn't.
} Very silly of you.  The Oracle knows all.
}
} And here is Lisa's terrible, dark side.  You see, She really does keep a
} diary, and these files are that diary.  Yes, you have Lisa's amazing and
} incredible diary in your hands, yet utterly and forever unreadable.
}
} If you let it, this will destroy you.  The only way to preserve your
} sanity is to erase the files.  Yes, erase them.  Do it now.
}
} With the danger behind you, meditate on what has happened.  You may yet
} learn to overcome ordinary-ness.
}
} The Oracle will put this one on your tab.


116-05    (43432 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ello! o reat Oacle! Aswer e his:
> hat o ou hink aout oitting he irst onsonent i eah ord?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hat o I hink aout oitting he irst yllable?  ell, et e ell ou.  A irst I
} ound i o e a ain i he as, owever, I oon ound i o e uite a onvenient ay o
} onfusing eople ike ou ho isist o aking e al hese umb ad anoying
} uestions.  o ou ave aything ese o ak e?
}
}   ou oe e he irst onsonant rom eery ord ou pell rom ow o!!!


116-06    (28501 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me see.  To answer this one, I think I'll consult a common person
} at random, and see what his or her life's ambitions are.
}         Randomizing......
}                 1234.3234 54
}  O.K.  and now to tap into this person's present location...
}         Accessing Pick Up Truck liscense # HOL ASS at I95 in backwoods
} Pennsylvania.
}
} "...Yeah, Hal that's a big ten four!  I just gotta make it home to see
} the Bud Bowl II on the television, so..."
}
} Well, there it is!  It seems that the meaning of life is to watch Bud
} Bowl II.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 49'ers hat and two Bud light bottle caps.


116-07    (34540 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you give me a scientific description of a sneeze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SNEEZE (sneez) n.  1.  The sudden explosive expulsion of repulsive
} material, due to minor irritants.  (See also, "Media Response to Zsa Zsa
} Gabor's Arrest.") 2.  The plural of "snee" (the future tense of "snow").
}
} ...or goes the Oracle's Interdimensional Unabridged Dictionary.
} Nonetheless, I feel any attempt to quantify the scientific gestalt of a
} sneeze to be aesthetically offensive.  The sneeze is an art form.  You
} might as well run a spectroscope over a Mozart symphony, or attach a
} seismograph to "King Lear." What would we learn?  (And could we make a
} buck with it?)
}
} You owe the Oracle some Sinutab.


116-08    (22750 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do the extra questions come from?  I mean, when I send "ask me"
> messages I get quick responses, and when I send in "tell me" messages
> I get questions back right away too -- so where do the extra messages
> come from?  I haven't gotten a message demanding a question in
> response to an "ask me" yet.  (Or do you have a list of stupid
> questions that you send out to suckers who send out "ask me"s?  That
> would explain a lot....)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever seen one of these?
}
}                              How come...?
}                                   |
}                          Why...?  |    This spoon...?
}                              _\-- | ---/_
}                            -=_ \  |   /__=-
}                            |  ---___---   |
}                            |  bottomless  |
}                            |    bucket    |
}                            |      of      |
}                            |   questions  |
}                            -__         ___-
}                               ---___---
}
} You owe the Oracle some courtesy, some sympathy...


116-09    (22075 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all-knowing Oracle,
>
> What is the meaning of the Net?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At the Beginning of Time (January 1, 1970), there was The Administrator.
} The Administrator looked out upon The Great Sea, which was his Dominion.
} Within The Great Sea there were The Users.  The Users swam around The
} Great Sea and were happy.  Some swam in groups and they were called The
} Mainframes.  Others swam alone and they were called The WorkStations.
} Yes, The Users were Happy.  The Administrator was not.  For The Users
} could not Communicate.  And Work was not Done.
}
} So The Administrator took some Coaxial Cables, He took some Optical
} Fibers, and He took some Telephone Wires, and He began to work.  For one
} year He labored, until at last His project was finished.  For The
} Administrator had fashioned a Net from the Coaxial Cables, from the
} Optical Fibers, and from the Telephone Wires.  And He threw the Net upon
} The Users, and The Users were stifled.  The Users now had to Work, and
} They were not Happy.
}
} Then one day The Users found that They could use the Net to talk to each
} other.  The Users communicated with each other, and They were Happy.
} And The Administrator was not.
}                                         --Genesys, II.14
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the INTERNET News guidelines, 1990 edition.
} The Oracle has reminisced.


116-10    (03742 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Sir,
>
>   It has come to my attention that you are conducting yourself in a
> manner unbecoming of an oracle, I hereby request your resignation and a
> bottle of Sloe Gin.  I request your resignation for two reasons:
>
>       1) I am jealous of your infinite wisdom.
>                   and:
>       2) See number 1.
>
>   The reason for the Sloe Gin is that I like the color, and it makes a
> "GOOD" drink from sitting here and requesting your resignation.  Your
> cooperation is appreciated...
>
>        Thanks for your time!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gladly!!!!!!!!  I would be happy to resign!!!!!!  I never thought that
} any one would be stupid enough to actually request my resignation, but
} now that it has happened, I am actually free.  I have been answering
} peoples questions for hundreds of years, trying to satisfy them with my
} infinite wisdom, which of course, is never appreciated.
}
} The legend has always been that the only way I could ever get out of
} doing my job, is for someone to ask for my resignation.  The legend also
} states that the person who asked for my resignation will have to relieve
} me of my duties.  So whoever you are, THANK YOU, and I hope you have fun
} answering 1000 stupid questions each day.
}
} I en cour encourrrrr encourrage y y y you toooooooo dd dd ddo tt thte
} besty jobs th th thhh that ya cannn.
}
} (sorry, due to the fact that the Oracle has already started his long
} awaited celebration, he is no longer able to give his resignation
} speech.  Too bad, I think you would have liked it!)
}
} You owe the Oracle 777 years of service before you can resign.


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