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23 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:23:31 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1169

Goto:
1169, 1169-01, 1169-02, 1169-03, 1169-04, 1169-05, 1169-06, 1169-07, 1169-08, 1169-09, 1169-10


Internet Oracularities #1169    (76 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 21:41:49 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1169
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1169  76 votes fmke5 4cdsj a8gnj 8dojc 5qnl1 felag bnp89 4nsi3 bwq70 amoc8
1169  3.0 mean  2.6   3.6   3.4   3.2   2.8   3.0   2.8   2.9   2.4   2.8


1169-01    (fmke5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you want to see the future of the queue, imagine a funny joke being
> crushed under the heel of a boot, forever...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This week on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" - Picard and the
} crew of the Enterprise stave off the boredom of deep space by
} answering questions for The Internet Oracle [TM].
} ----
}
} "Mr. Data, I thought we were supposed to receive a question
} from the supplicant, not a prediction for the future."
}
} "Yes, sir."
}
} "And where's the grovel? Isn't there supposed to be a grovel
} before the question? I was rather looking forward to a nice
} grovel."
}
} "Yes, sir. This query does not match the prescribed formulation
} as it was presented in the help file on the subject."
}
} Geordi looked up from his post. "Maybe this isn't really a
} question from a supplicant, Captain."
}
} "You think we've intercepted a secret message, instead? You
} could be right. Data, did the PGP signature match the one we
} have on file for the Internet Oracle?"
}
} "Checking, sir." Data made a few entries on his terminal. "I
} believe I have the answer, sir. It appears that --"
}
} "Johnny! How good to see you again!"
}
} "Q! Dammit, I should have known you were behind this."
}
} "And I'm so happy to see you again too, mon capitan." Q sidled
} up to Picard and leered appreciatively.
}
} "So what do you want this time, Q?"
}
} "I thought I would liven up the Oracularities a little. They've
} been so staid and boring lately, you know - reminds me a little
} bit of a certain starship captain I know, actually."
}
} "Q!" Picard said in exasperation.
}
} "Oh right, right. That little message you got - we're having a
} little contretemps in the Continuum again, just a minor tiff,
} mind you, and this is my latest response. What do you think?" Q
} looked like an eager new author waiting for his first reviews.
}
} "It stinks. Now get off my bridge and stop cluttering up the
} queue, Q."
}
} ----
} Next week, on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Picard and Q
} elope and move to Las Vegas, and leave the Enterprise drifting
} aimlessly in space, rather like this response. Ask a real
} question next time, supplicant, please.


1169-02    (4cdsj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My cat always watches me shave.  She is fascinated by it.  Tell me,
> what is she thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Blood,blood,blood,blood,blood.
} Blood,blood.
} Blood,blood,blood,blood,blood.


1169-03    (a8gnj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you want to see the future of the queue, imagine a funny joke being
> crushed under the heel of a boot, forever...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That reminds me - I heard this great joke the other day. You'll love
} it! It goes like this - David Beckham gets onto this plane and...
}
} Oh, you probably don't know who David Beckham is if you're not a Brit.
} That's the problem with these global networks. You log on carrying all
} your cultural baggage and automatically assume everyone else carries
} the same. Baggage, I mean. Well, David Beckham is an English football
} player or, should I say, soccer player. He's with the England squad in
} Belgium in Euro 2000 even as we speak - except we're not speaking,
} obviously, but you know what I mean - and wasn't it great that England
} finally managed to beat Germany for the first time in more than 30
} years? Not that it was much of a match, and I suppose the die-hard
} jingoists will now be even more insufferably xenophobic than ever, and
} all those hooligans rioting rather took the shine off things...
}
} But I digress. The point about David Beckham is, he's not famous for
} being particularly bright. Kind of a proverbial male Essex girl, except
} you probably don't know about Essex girls either. They're like
} proverbial blondes. So David Beckham jokes are very like blonde jokes,
} only the sex is different. Are you with me?
}
} So, anyway, David Beckham gets on this plane, and walks straight
} through the curtains into first class, pops his hand luggage into the
} overhead compartment and sits down. The stewardess - sorry, that should
} be flight attendant, shouldn't it? Though I can't see what's wrong with
} the term stewardess, myself - it sounds rather grand. Anyway, the
} flight attendant comes up to him nervously and says, "Excuse me, Sir,
} but you've sat down in first class and you only have an economy class
} ticket." Upon which Beckham stands up and exclaims indignantly, "Don't
} you know who I am?"
}
} Not that I wish to imply by this that David Beckham is the sort of
} person that would carry on in such an overbearing manner. I don't know
} the man personally, but I'm sure he and Posh are very charming people
} really. Posh, that's his wife. She was one of the Spice Girls,
} remember? There was Posh, and Ginger who left, and Scary, and Sleepy
} and Sneezy, and I can't remember the other one. I can't remember their
} real names either, but most of them were called Mel, weren't they?
} Except Posh - she was Victoria or something. Not that it matters, as
} the tabloid press always refer to her and her husband as Posh 'n Becks.
}
} Anyway, for the purposes of this joke, Becks gets all huffy and
} indignant when the flight attendant tries to get him to move, and it
} looks like there's going to be an unpleasant scene when the man sitting
} next to him... Oh yes, I should have said there was a man sitting next
} to him. Only he's standing at this point in time of course, but you
} know what I mean. I should also have said that David Beckham got on the
} plane to fly to New York. That's pretty essential to the joke and I
} should really have mentioned it at the start. Kind of ruins it,
} otherwise. Sorry about that. But then, if you knew Posh 'n Becks at
} all, you would have guessed where he was going anyway. They really love
} New York. They called their son Manhattan. Or was it Queens? I forget.
}
} Not that the son enters into this story. Or Posh, for that matter. What
} happens next is that the man sitting next to him - next to Becks, that
} is - says to the flight attendant, "Perhaps I can help - I'm a
} psychologist." And he leans over to David Beckham and whispers
} something in his ear. I guess Beckham has sat down again at this point,
} or else the psychologist got up. Anyway, David Beckham instantly takes
} his hand luggage out of the overhead compartment and walks back into
} economy class, as good as gold. So the flight attendant is really
} impressed, and asks the man - that's the man who was sitting next to
} Beckham, that is - though not anymore, of course, as Beckham is now in
} economy class and sitting next to somebody else entirely - she asks the
} man, "What did you say to him?"
}
} [Two men sit gazing silently at a monitor in a dark, sparsely furnished
} room, the flickering light from the screen dancing on their faces. One
} has gaunt, cadaverous features; the other a round face, full lips and
} steel-rimmed spectacles with tiny, pebble-thick lenses. Both have
} closcropped hair and wear baggy, unadorned, dun-coloured uniforms. The
} bespectacled man stands up.]
}
} Bespectacled Man: I've seen enough.
}
} Gaunt Man: Will you recommend that the Inner Party increase my funding
}     for this development of Room 101?
}
} Bespectacled Man: Fool! Look at the way he's writing - he's positively
}     enjoying himself! I would say your so-called development is a
}     complete and utter failure.
}
} [A slight patronising smile tugs at the edge of the gaunt man's narrow
} mouth.]
}
} Gaunt Man: I do apologise - I thought you'd understood. He's not the
}     one that's in Room 101.
}
} Bespectacled Man: Oh, I see. Ha, ha - yes, that's very good, O'Brien.
}     Ha, ha, ha - very good indeed. My word, yes, I think that deserves
}     extra funding. Ha, ha, ha!
}
} [The two shake hands, and the bespectacled man leaves the room, still
} chuckling. The gaunt man resumes his seat at the monitor.]
}
} So the psychologist says, "I told him first class wasn't going to New
} York!" Geddit? Geddit? So David Beckham - who's not supposed to be very
} clever, remember? - believes economy class is going to New York, but
} first class isn't. But it's all the same plane! Oh dear, oh dear, oh
} dear! That's a good one, isn't it? Cracks me up every time.
}
} Now, this business about crushing things under the heel of a boot.
} That's a bit depressing, isn't it? You know full well Big Brother would
} never allow anything like that to happen. Big Brother is your friend...


1169-04    (8dojc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 70% of the body-mass of a mussel is genitalea. Also, a mussel has two
> sexes.  Therefore a mussel consists of 2 times 70 = 140% of genitalea.
> Why is this? I reckon they have loads of fun.. but how can you see
> a mussel is having fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a multiple choice Oracularity.  Please choose the answer
} which BEST elicits an exasperated groan:
}
} (A) Is that a mollusk in your pocket, or are you just happy to
} see me?
}
} (B) Mussel?!  Mussel... [looks it up in dictionary] ...where the
} devil are they, mountaineer... mucous... muscle... a mussel: "two
} genitalia skilled in having fun".
}
} (C) Have another Sex-on-the-Beach, baby.  It'll help you come out
} of your shell.
}
} (D) I promise, sweetie, oyster respect ya in the morning.
}
} (E) I don't know what's wrong.  Whenever I talk about sex she
} clams right up.
}
} (F) Aw, *shucks*, honey.  Seventy percent is only about average.
}
} (G) <DUNDEE> That's not a love mussel.  *This* is a love mussel.
} </DUNDEE>
}
} (H) Well, they don't call them BI-valves for nothing!
}
} (I) I'm sorry, but you've reached the Internet *Oracle*.  The
} Internet Barnacle is down the hall, third dinghy on the right.
}
} You owe the Oracle "All of the above."


1169-05    (5qnl1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hullo, love of my life.  What might be a good reason to have children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, my precious!  How is life in the black forest treating you these
} days?  How is that gingerbread house of yours holding up?  Yes, yes, I
} know all the answers, I was just making polite conversation.
}
} I haven't heard of any particularly evil or nefarious deed from your
} way in quite some time.  So perhaps at this stage in your career as a
} black witch, having children may be a good option.  I am sure the
} infamy of such a truly horrible deed will spread your name far and
} wide, and once again mothers will remonstrate with their children by
} telling horror tales of you, much to their fear and delight.
}
} Yes, I am sure.  Trust me on this one.  People will still be talking
} about you in years to come.
}
} This does beg the question "how many children would it be best to
} have?" And for you my dear, I will answer this implied question as
} well.  Two. Definitely.  One of each gender.  Well, one male and one
} female anyway.
}
} Oh, and if you want a great recipe book on how best to prepare them,
} then I have one lying about somewhere.  You might want to fatten them
} up a little first -- children can be a little lean and stringy
} otherwise.
}
} One more thing: you will need to have a larger oven installed.  As a
} suggestion, pick an oven that is large enough to contain you (in a
} squeeze). That way you can be sure it will hold the two children of
} your choice.
}
} Bon appetit!


1169-06    (felag dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, with wit and wisdom beyond Westworld proportions, How did
> Wombat man and his capered cascader defeat the orb of left-brain
> knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Wombat Man warrior,
}         Sire among supermen,
}         Damsel-defender and
}         Victor o'er villains,
}         Strove with his side-kick,
}         Capered Cascader,
}         Fighting a lifelong
}         Battle for freedom,
}         Joust against evil,
}         Ever attentive to
}         Threats from those scoundrels who
}         Wage most willingly
}         War against wallabies,
}     Murderous madmen that maul marsupials.
}
}         Theirs was a greatness
}         Got from their Grandmammies--
}
} (What's that, my Liege? Skip the intro? 'Tis dragging on somewhat, thou
} think'st? If thou desirest it, 'tis done. Let me see now... Ah, yes.)
}
}         Down'd the dingo,
}         Dash'd the duckbill,
}         Fell the quaggas
}         Doom'd to the death.
}     All laid low by the orb of left-brain,
}         Brazenly cast aside
}         Bush kangaroos.
}         Dark was the hour,
}         Dreadful our need,
}     Out from the East like a glorious sunrise
}         Sprang the saviour.
}         Ever attentive to
}         Threats from those scoundrels who
}         Wage...
}
} (Oh, I beseech thy pardon. As thou so correctly if nit-pickingly
} pointest out, I've done that bit.)
}
}         Wise is Wombat Man,
}         Woolly his whiskers,
}         Brave his companion
}     Capered Cascader, who's one of those creatures
}     Looking much like a mouse and yet still a marsupial
}     Though nobody ever remembers its name.
}
}         Mighty the mettlesome
}         Duo did doughty
}         Battle, not sparing
}         The sword-edge one whit.
}         Heavy their blows and yet
}         Light were their heads,
}         Fuell'd by Fosters,
}         Fiery ambrosia,
}         Amber that nectar that
}         Addles the noodle...
}
} (What's sayest thou presently? Indeed, 'twas not Fosters that was
} Wombat Man's favourite brew, 'twas Castlemaine XXXX. But Castlemaine
} XXXX is a bugger to alliterate, if thou getst my drift, and who's to
} know the difference? Ah, thou art to know the difference. I'faith, my
} Liege, 'tis my opinion that they both taste like kookaburra's khyber,
} but if it'll make thee happy...)
}
}         Fuell'd by Castlemaine,
}         Four are its X's
}         Note, those ain't S's
}         (Lord, these lines suck).
}
}     Five long days did they weary the war-glaive,
}     Five long nights neither slumber nor sleep did they,
}     Feeding the carrion-crow, lifting the life-taker,
}     Slashing and stabbing.
}
}     Many a carcass was left to be carrion,
}     Many a livid one, many a sallow-skin;
}     Left for the white-tail'd eagle to tear it, and
}     Left for the horny-nibb'd raven to rend it, and
}     Gave to the garbaging war-hawk to gorge it, and
}     That gray beast, the wolf of the weald.
}
}         Then the left-brain orb,
}         Damaged with many dents,
}         Lubricant leaking out,
}         Fled from the field;
}     Wandered back to its home, nobody knows quite where,
}     Scheming and plotting another strike.
}
}         Wrong-doers who seek out
}         World domination,
}         Never quite seem to get
}         Killed first time round.
}         Not while there's a chance
}         (Even a slight one)
}         The sequel can grab
}         A few extra groats.
}
}         Ended our grisly tale,
}         Great is Wombat Man!
}         Just a few sneaking
}         Suspicions remain;
}         Perhaps this "orb of
}         Left-brain knowledge"
}         Obscurely refers to some
}         SF story
}     Your humble narrator has not as yet read.
}     If this be the case, I can only conclude that
}     The Supplicant shall not enjoy what he sees.
}     If this be the case, all I can say is that
}         Frankly, my dear,
}         I don't give a damn.
}
}         Ended our grisly tale,
}         Great is Wombat Man!
}         Long may his glory
}     Live in the songs of the wandering minstrels,
}         Of whom I am one.
}
}         Surely a huger
}         Slaughter of heroes
}         Slain by the sword-edge
}         (Such as old writers
}         Have writ of in histories)
}         Would have occurred had not
}         Up from the East hither
}         Wombat Man come to our
}         Rescue a-riding.
}         Not forgetting his
}         Fierce fellow-traveller
}     Capered Cascader, who's one of those creatures
}     Looking much like a mouse and yet still a marsupial
}     Though nobody ever remembers its name.
}
} (Thank thee, my Liege, thank thee. Thou'rt very kind to say so. Hey,
} where's my tip?)


1169-07    (bnp89 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What's that smell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Success.
}
} Don't worry it will be fading presently.


1169-08    (4nsi3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, most well-positioned of those who know all, you lacking any
>  hint of the vile "killing chi" associated with pointed references. I
>  ask you most humbly and truthfully this,
>
>  How can I best arrange my computer room/den for good Fen Shui?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, for a moment there I thought you were asking about -Feng- Shui,
} which is about special positioning of objects and places to increase
} overall harmony, which is widely regarded, even by the Chinese, as
} nothing more than complete and utter crap.
}
} Fortunately, you have asked about -Fen- Shui, a completely different
} philosophy.  Fen, as everyone knows, is one of the Chinese designations
} for their currency.  Fen Shui, then, must be about the placement of
} money to increase your overall harmony.
}
} This is vital, as nowadays in the world of absurd tax laws, I.R.S.
} invasions, and politicians, money must be placed in very special
} locations in order to avoid capture.  Hiding it your den, or even your
} computer room, is extremely limiting, however.  You would be far better
} off sending it to a tax shelter somewhere, perhaps even opening a Swiss
} bank account.
}
} Nevertheless, hiding money in your house is an option, though not a
} particularly ideal one.  Avoid wall safes or any obvious trappings of
} that sort.  They can be pulled out of the house for thieves to pick
} open at their leisure.  No one is fooled by the oversized reprint of
} the Rembrandt; take it back. You will want to store it underground
} somewhere, and then place a heavy object (like a filing cabinet,
} bookcase, mother-in-law) over it.  Make sure that it is not immediately
} obvious that you move this heavy object often in order to get to your
} money, nor should you go about re-arranging furniture without any other
} motivations -- this could be regarded as suspicious behavior, and you
} could be subject to a very thorough search.
}
} You owe the Oracle two hundred fen.


1169-09    (bwq70 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  So, Mr. Oracle, Sir, you with the great flappin' mind, what are some
>  of the -other- things that you think about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hmmmmmmMMMmMmm ... Oh, I'm sorry,  I was just thinking about doing
} something about that damned flapping.  You ask for a sampling of
} my cogitations?  Very well then,  a sampling you shal have.
}
} Right now, I'm contemplating -stop that!  Damn temporal lobe is acting
} up again, I really must have something done about that -  that is,
} to say, I'm examining the connections between - I wonder what Ani
} DiFranco's hair looks like these days? - I mean to say,  the study
} of the interrelationships of the current market price of bismuth,
} which reminds me,  Metallica is going to be playing the Centrum week
} after next, must get tickets!  Well, you see, the price of bismuth
} can be expressed as a function of many things, not least of which is
} the whitefaced hornet buzzing around me - must sit very very still
} until it goes away, but the most important of which is the mean annual
} global consumption of kassava. Damn, but Cokie Roberts is looking good
} these days!  Where was I?  Oh yes, I was talking about the paper I'm
} producing on the synergistic mutual amplication of the sociopolitical
} impacts of Adam Ant's hussar jacket and the retirement of Robert J.
} Lurtsema.  My theory, you see, is that - oh hell!  The damned hornet's
} landed on my head.  Must move very, very cautiously.  Oooh, that
} tickles.  It's important in this connection to realize that eggs
} should always be eaten from the small end first - I simply can't
} abide the fact that some people start with the LARGE END ...
}
} Oh, hell.
}
} Have to stop now.  I got agitated, the hornet got agitated, and now
} I need to run and get my EpiPen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whitefaced hornets' nest.


1169-10    (amoc8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's the end of the Oracle
> As we know it,
> It's the end of the Oracle
> As we know it,
> And I feel fine!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LAW OFFICES OF DEWEY, CHEATEM, & HOWE
} 2002 Avenue of the Americas
} New York, NY 10021
}
} June 2, 2000
}
} Dear Supplicant:
}
} Your last inquiry was forwarded to our office by The Internet Oracle.
} Your question to the Oracle is a violation of the copyright of the song
} "End of the World" by our client, REM.
}
} Consider this notice an official cease and desist until you can provide
} this office with a parody license granted by the official licensing
} agent for REM.
}
} You may contact the Licensing agent, a wholly owned subsidiary of
} Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, to apply for this license at:
}
} DC&H Licensing, Inc.
} 1400 US Highway 206
} Bedminster, NJ 07921
}
} You will need to indicate on your application that your license should
} be retroactive to the date of your inquiry to the Oracle.  We generally
} cross-match our files with the files of DC&H Licensing on a monthly
} basis. Your record has been flagged.  Please also indicate on your
} application code: CD120038823 so your file will be properly accounted
} for during the cross-match.
}
} DC&H Licensing will provide you with an adequate fee for your use of
} the lyrics as they see fit.  DC&H Licensing is the only authority with
} respect to licensing fees and our office cannot change a fee determined
} by DC&H Licensing under the terms of our agreement with REM. DC&H
} Licensing will be notified of your initial violation of the copyright,
} and may subject your license to penalty fees.  Penalty fees are
} typically less than 1/100th of what court-ordered punitive damages
} would be in a case of this type.  DC&H Licensing generally reserves the
} right to deny applications for parody use.
}
} Should our cross-match with DC&H Licensing indicate that, after one
} month from the date of this letter, you have not applied for a license
} for your parody, you will receive a summons, complaint, and subpeona
} from our offices for your already-committed violation.  If DC&H
} Licensing denies your application for parody use, your
} already-committed violation will be prosecuted at our discretion.
}
} If you have any questions, feel free to contact us at the address
} above. Remember, we cannot handle applications for licensing.  For
} licensing inquiries, please contact DC&H Licensing, Inc. at the address
} above.
}
} Thank you for your time.
}
} JACOB DEWEY
} DEWEY, CHEATEM, & HOWE, Attorneys at Law
}
} cc: Internet Oracle
} JD/kre
}
} PS. The Internet Oracle, another client of ours, requested us to
} provide the following addendum to this letter.  While it is not an
} official portion of the letter detailing your copyright violation and
} how you can rectify the situation, we have agreed to add it anyway.
}
} "You owe the Oracle $6,230,000.00 in punitive and recompensatory
} damages."


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