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24 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:32:42 GMT

Internet Oracularities #117

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117, 117-01, 117-02, 117-03, 117-04, 117-05, 117-06, 117-07, 117-08, 117-09, 117-10


Usenet Oracularities #117    (14 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 14 Feb 90 23:38:24 GMT

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

117   14 votes 02147 01544 25322 24332 02741 04271 43241 34160 34421 03344
117   3.2 mean  4.1   3.8   2.8   2.9   3.3   3.4   2.6   2.7   2.6   3.6


117-01    (02147 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the fastest way to get to Ohio from Oklahoma.  It's important!!!
> I need to get there for my bowl of ginsch!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Hmmm...  I suppose you'd rather not hear something like:  "Turn
} yourself into a photon and..." or other such impractical physics drivel.
} You want a plan!
}
}     Fine!  Set fire to your terminal.  Call the police.  Tell them there
} is an arsonist in your building.  When they arrive direct them to the
} terminal room.  Sneak out and steal their car.  (I will arrange for
} stupid policemen to be sent.) Drive to the airport with the siren on.
} Remove the shotgun from its mount and use on all toll booths, cabbies
} and pedestrians who get in the way.  Aim car at airport terminal and
} dive out.  Use the shotgun to rob a local pushcart vendor of a box of
} popsicles.  Take said box to airport counter and explain that you have a
} frozen heart for transplanting and must be on the next flight to
} Oklahoma to save a life.  When you are over your destination, use the
} shotgun to shoot open the side of the plane.  The pilot will spiral down
} to equalize cabin pressure.  Make a parachute out of the in-flight
} blankets, and jump.
}
}     Bizarre, dangerous, and felonious:  you'll have to admit that it
} will get you there fast.  For added realism obtain a real human heart
} and put it in the popsicle box.  This will be a slight delay but will
} add to the drama of your story.
}
}     By the way, it's too late.  I ate your bowl of ginshes.


117-02    (01544 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Well, maybe I used the wrong sample, flicked the wrong switch, or
> applied the wrong voltage, but something went wrong.  Now large
> glistening things with leathery wings and heads like an octopus are
> entering the lab through the molecular beam epitaxy unit.  They have
> eaten three janitors, sacrificed a PDP-11 on an altar of magtapes, and
> are now chanting "Dan Quayle!  Dan Quayle".  I am protected by a hastily
> drawn pentagram, and only have this terminal, my coffee cup, a Christmas
> stocking, three mangoes and a tape measurer.  How do I get out of this
> one alive and reasonably intact?
>
>    Umm...  Please hurry on this one.  The mangoes won't last long and
> the critters may soon figure out that the terminal connector passes
> through the pentagram.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I remember when I was your age and these things happened to me
} too.  But back then, we called it puberty and didn't bother with all
} these high falootin' name callin' will-o-wisp terms.  Anyway, about
} these leather octupusses in your lab, they are not genetic mutations or
} Dan Quayle look alikes.  Nope, they are real enough all right and they
} want you to do something for them.  Janitorial diets produce extreme
} abdominal discomfort.  Squeeze the mangos until juice poors into your
} coffee cup.  Pull the stocking over your head and tie the tape measure
} around your neck.  Pull tightly.  Poor the mango juice on your head and
} shout "Dan Quayle." (I saw this at a Republican Rally once.)
} Congratulations, you are now a leather octopus Dan Quayle supporter.
} Anyway, about the leather octopusses.  Give them the rest of the juice
} to wash down the janitorial residue and go back to work.
}
} The real nightmare is not in your lab but the White House.
}
} You owe the Oracle five squashed mangoes.


117-03    (25322 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I got the (Edelweiss) lyrics to "It's a Small (every morning you)
> World" out of (Small and) my head, but now I have (clean and bright,)
> the lyrics to a stupid (you look happy to meet me) Rodgers and
> Hammerstein song stuck there!  What (Edelweiss,) can (Edelweiss) I
> (every morning you greet me,) do??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} try: mount /dev/yourbrain /mnt
}      cd /mnt
}      cd songs/stupid
}      rm <name of stupid song>
}      cd /
}      umount /dev/yourbrain
}
} That should do it!
}
} You owe the oracle another stupid UNIX pun.


117-04    (24332 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>      What question are you asked most often?  What question are you
> asked least often?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?
}
} b) What is the exchange rate of the Azerbaijani groat, expressed in
} Punjabi furbles?


117-05    (02741 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle,
>
>   Even though I have degrees in science and engineering, and have
> reached the self-actualized stage of my existence, one small detail
> still eludes me:
>
>   How do those damn tissues follow each other out of the box?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on the brand.  Cheap tissues use peer pressure.  The throw a
} lemming into each vat of paper, and it just sort of works out.  Except
} sometimes they don't, which is why cheap tissues don't come out of the
} box well.
}
} Expensive tissues, like Kleenex, have tiny delicate invisible steel
} girders connecting adjacent tissues.  When you pull one tissue out of
} the box, the next one is attached to the girder as well.  When the first
} one is all the way out and the girder is stretched as far as it will go,
} the tiny delicate explosive bolts in the girder go off, and the girder
} whirls into orbit leaving the tissue unharmed.
}
} You owe the oracle a box of ultra-high-quality tissues.  (The kind that
} have little strips of room-temperature superconductors on them)


117-06    (04271 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, i have known of Object oriented programming.  ANd recently
> someone came up to me and told me of a new development, Subject oriented
> programming.  My question is thus:  Are we going to be having more
> programming language types named after sentence structures?  Preposition
> oriented programming, for instance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  In fact, it's already here.  Prolog, for example, is just
} predicate-oriented programming.  Lisp is punctuation-oriented
} programming.  And so on.
}
} The next trend will be programming styles based on aspects of the novel
} and the play.  For example:  denouement-oriented programming (only the
} results matter), speech-oriented programming (programs written in blank
} verse), and so on.
}
} The Oracle expects to be sent tickets to the opening night of your next
} program.


117-07    (43241 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you write me a poem about blonds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twas a blond punster named Dunn,
} Who knew bad jokes by the ton.
} When asked why this was so,
} He responsed, "Oh, don't you know?
} They've always said 'Blondes have more pun'!"


117-08    (34160 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>      I'd like to travel to Middle Earth.  I've read all of Tolkein and
> think that it would be a neat place to visit.   However, my Local AAA
> does not have any roadmaps of Middle Earth, or a hotel guide.  Can you
> give me directions and suggestions of what to do/see while I am there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having read the master's works, of course, you can lay your hands on the
} maps in the book.  Also, the related TSR game has a large map.
} Unfortunately, they took some liberties with the layout of the place, so
} use that only as a rough guide.
}
} As for what to do, that depends on your exact interests.  As I enjoy the
} pastoral life, I enjoy walking the hills and pastures of the Shire.
} Just relaxing and watching the clouds go by is a good vacation for me.
}
} Of course, the new amusement park on the shores of Long Lake is a big
} draw, what with their new Smaug roller-coaster and all.  Next month they
} should be opening their 9-rings loop coaster.  If you happen to be there
} for the anniversary of the ruling-ring destruction, be sure to catch
} Gandalf's fireworks display.
}
} I've heard the skiing is great in the misty mountains, but I do not ski.
}
} Those who enjoy the congeniality of pubs will find much to sate them.
} The Thursday night tall-tale contests down at the Balrog Inn at
} Rivendell rival those at Callahan's.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mithril belt buckle.


117-09    (34421 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was driving along the other day when 4 elephants carrying sacks of
> mangoes materialised in front of me.  But then, all of a sudden, there
> was a blinding flash, and the elephants stood there TOTALLY UNCHANGED,
> AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.  Please explain the blinding flash oh great
> one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This was clearly meant to be one of God's great Miracles.  The trouble
} is, what with the events in the Eastern Block, and the various trouble
} spots in Africa and South America, he is feeling somewhat worn down of
} late; indeeed you could say he has temporarily lost his 'zap'.  I
} believe what was meant to happen was that the elephants were meant to
} trample the mangoes into a soft, squidgy consistency and then make a
} killing in the chuckney markets.  The interpretation of this is that God
} is a free market economist, and as such you should be wary of any
} elephants carrying fruit; you may get trodden on.


117-10    (03344 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to make fast money ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Breed it for stronger legs and threaten to light it on fire.  Ha ha ha
} ha ha.
}
} The Oracle is pulling your leg.  (That's a figure of speech.  The Oracle
} is not really pulling your leg.  But if you want an answer the Oracle
} suggests that you laugh at the Oracle's jokes once in a while.  The
} Oracle has feelings, too, you know.)
}
} These things vary from person to person, of course.  Let the Oracle
} consult your stars and see what the best way for you to make money
} quickly is...  well, your stars are arguing among themselves as usual,
} so the Oracle will have to look elsewhere.  This looks promising:  "1001
} answers to commonly asked Oracle questions".  Yup, here it is.
}
} The best way to make lots of money quickly is to become the national
} government.  And once you're there, it's perfectly legal, too!
}
} You owe the Oracle a 100-dollar bill with the Oracle's picture on it
} once you assume control of the government.


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