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17 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 3:49:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #120

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120, 120-01, 120-02, 120-03, 120-04, 120-05, 120-06, 120-07, 120-08, 120-09, 120-10


Usenet Oracularities #120    (13 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Feb 90 23:46:28 GMT

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120   13 votes 13531 03442 24511 21622 20344 00544 02281 44500 11542 22342
120   3.2 mean  3.0   3.4   2.6   3.1   3.6   3.9   3.6   2.1   3.4   3.2


120-01    (13531 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my mom spaz out when I see her breast?  I saw it lots of times
> when I was a baby.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oedipus Wrecks!


120-02    (03442 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would anyone name their daughter "Candy", anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't search for deeper purposes
}   where none are to be found
}
} Names are chosen oft by whim,
}   and not for reasons sound
}
} Casper!  Elrod!  Waldo!  Ralph!
}   - their suffering is plain...
}
} (But they named their daughter "Candy," sir,
}   just to yank your chain.)


120-03    (24511 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me, sir, I believe that you have stolen that orgasm.  I must
} place you under Citizen's Arrest, and drub you soundly with a truncheon.


120-04    (21622 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   ( * * )        ^   ^          .^ ^.
>     (^)    .    ( + + )        . o o .
>   /  U  \ //      >^<    /      . v .
>   (     )//     /     \ /      / | | \
>   (     )/      |     |/        ./ \.
>    .U U.         \w..w/     ____mm.mm____
>                                  \_/
>
> Woof?           Meow?          Hoot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               (__)
}               (oo)
}        /-------\/
}       / |     ||
}      *  ||----||
}         ~~    ~~
}
}           Moo.


120-05    (20344 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    What is the best way for me to get a date with Samantha Fox?  Could
> she really be attracted to someone in Physics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want a date with Samantha Fox, hunh?  Yep, she's a babe all right.
} I understand your situation.  I'm not sure if she'd be attracted to
} someone in Physics or not.  I dabble in the subject myself.  Let's see,
} though, hummm...  yes, I have her number right here.  I'll call and see.
}
} <rrrring rrring>
}
} < Hello?  Samantha?  Yes, this is the Oracle.  You may have heard of
}   me.
}
} < Why yes!  How kind.  I thought the answer to that question was rather
}   brilliant myself, but it's nice to hear it from somebody else.
}
} < Beg pardon?  You'd do just about anything for someone who could
}   answer a certain physics problem that's been bothering you?  Well,
}   that's my speciality... answering questions and solving problems.
}
} < Yes, I would love to discuss it over dinner... Oh, wait.  Can you
}   hold on for just a minute?  Thanks, sweetheart.
}
} Listen: Samantha Fox obviously wouldn't want to have anything to
} do with a dweeb like you.  Go study your textbooks some more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of your best after-shave lotion
} and a nice tie that would go well with a dark blue suit.
}
} < So, anyway, I was thinking eightish...


120-06    (00544 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh wise one, here is my moral dilemma:
>
> I have been offered a job at a corporation which I despise.  They have
> offered to fly me to their headquarters and pay all expenses while
> there.  I have friends in the area and would enjoy the trip.  Should I
> accept this trip, or am I morally obliged to refuse, knowing that I
> would never accept their offer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may have heard of the old phrase, "There is no such thing as a free
} lunch." Quite some time ago, I proved this quite untrue, and you have
} just done so again.  Not only do you get a free lunch (on the plane),
} but a free hotel room, free food, free ground transportation, and if you
} end up in a REALLY good hotel, free movies.
}
} It is your job as a prospective employee to spend as much of their money
} as possible.  This way, they'll get a feel for your habits (translated--
} expensive tastes), which will show them that you would NOT make a good
} employee after all, and they'll end up hiring someone else.  This is the
} only way to satisfy all parties involved:  You get a free vacation, and
} they will feel like they've invested some good time and money to find
} out that you really WOULDN'T work out, which is much better to them than
} hiring a bad candidate.  Finally, your moral obligations are satisfied
} because they will have refused YOU, and not the other way around.
}
} In summary, "Take the trip and act like a jerk."
}
} You owe the oracle a hotel ashtray.


120-07    (02281 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day I found a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker flying over my house
> in Devon when I suddenly saw it plunge , utterly dead from the sky. I
> later found in my fireplace covered in soot. What is meant by this
> portent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me consult my Book of Dead Bird Omens ...  Ah, here it is, on
} p.14,831,118.  I admire whoever wrote the index...  but no matter.  On
} to the interpretation.
}
} "If ye Lesser Spotted Woodpecker be flyeing over ye Houfe in Devon, and
} Fuddenly and Caufeleffly fall down ye Chimbknee of a Houfe, then Doom
} Approachef!  It comef in ye form of a Pinecone of Fuch a Fize that five
} grown Men and three Big Brawny Horfef can hardly carry it, but ye
} Pinecone fhall be carried by a myfteriouf Engine which fhall
} myfterioufly and fuddenly depofit it in the Lawn of the bewoodpeckered
} Houfe in Devon, and fhall refufe to take it away, faying that the
} occupantf of faid Houfe did Order it from a Catalogue.  And there fhall
} be many billf for thif Pinecone, and it fhall be impoffible to Get Rid
} Of.  And vaft fhall the tribulationf thereoffrom be.  So it if Written
} in the Bookf of Prophefies."
}
} (What is the date on that book?  October, 1988?  That's pretty strange.)
}
} Translation:  someone will deliver a gigantic pine cone to your front
} lawn, try to bill you for it, send the bill to a collection agency.  You
} won't be either able to pay or to get it removed.  It will be a massive
} hassle.
}
} You owe the Oracle the pine tree that that pine cone came from.


120-08    (44500 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much rent do I owe today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ***********************************************************************
} *                                                                     *
} *   INTRODUCING THE ORACLE FINANCE CORPORATION, INC, INK, WINK!!!!    *
} *                                                                     *
} ***********************************************************************
}
} FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:  FEBRUARY 2, 1990
}
}     AS OF FEBRUARY FIRST, THE ORACLE HAS BEGUN OPERATING A COMPANY WHICH
} THE BIG-O HIMSELF CLAIMS WILL PUT COMPANIES SUCH AS H&R BLOCK OUT OF
} BUSINESS "SO FAST THAT THEY WILL BE CONFUSED FOR A FEW MINUTES FOLLOWING
} THE OBLITERATION OF THEIR COMPANY, MAYBE."
}
}     SINCE THE ORACLE IS OMNIPOTENT, THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES OF USURY
} BROUGHT AGAINST HIM WHEN HE BEGINS CHARGING INTEREST RATES OF ONE TO TWO
} HUNDRED PERCENT AS WELL AS VARIOUS FINANCIAL FEES FOR HIS WORK TOTALLING
} UP TO SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE AMOUNT OF MONEY INVOLVED, FOR MONEY HE
} IS MANAGING OR TRANSACTIONS HE IS TRANSACTING.
}
}     WHY WOULD ANYBODY USE HIS SERVICES?  WE ASKED THE ORACLE AND HE SAID
} "BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES AND RESPECTS ME.  I'M GREAT, YOU KNOW."
}
}             FOR MORE INFORMATION REGARDING HIS SERVICES, PLEASE WRITE
} TO:
}
}                                           THE ORACLE
}                                           NEW YORK, NY 10101
}      (For reasons of privacy the Oracle's address is unlisted but the
}       United States Postal Service has been instructed to deliver all
}       mail to the correct address.)
}
}    ACT FAST, TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!


120-09    (11542 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Murphy's hypotheses called law when it only works some of the
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Murphy's Law (also known as The Butter-side Down rule of Breakfast
} Accidents) is called a law rather than an hypothesis for the simple
} reason that it *never* fails, just seems to.
}   Most occasions that Murphy's Law is active are quite obvious;
} computers going down at the crucial point in a vital project, wings
} falling off passenger aircraft, Dan Quayle becoming the VP etc.  The
} really subtle effects of Murphy's Law are those when things appear to
} work out.
}   What happens then is that something goes right, making you miss out on
} something else far better that you would have encountered if it had gone
} wrong or exposing you to a disaster that you would otherwise have
} avoided.
}   Examples:  Beautiful, witty, intelligent young lady agrees to a date,
} unfortunately you bump into her possesive ex-boyfriend who is a
} professional assassin.
}             You win a luxury holiday on a tropical island, which is
} struck by a hurricane the day after you arrive.
}             You're cured of cancer, the day before you get run over by a
} truck.
}
}   Murphy's Law never fails, it just bides it's time occasionally.
}
} ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
} Well, that was an easy Ocularity, things are going O.K. today!
}
} PF1 e
} e
} e
} exit
} q
} q
} q
} ??
} HELP
} e
} eeeee
} exit
} quit
} DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN
} ewruhcbwec
} EXIT FUCKIT
} whimper......


120-10    (22342 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a montain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mountain is a thing that you can climb
} Or fall from, which takes just a bit less time
} A mountain is a thing that's made of stone
} A mountain is a fractal, not a cone.
} You climb a mountain just because it's there
} A mountain's where you find a grizzly bear
} A mountain rises way up in the sky
} And you can't bench-press it, even if you try.
} A mountain is an upscale piece of rock
} It's really _really_ hungus, do you grok?
} A mountain isn't likely to be pink
} Nor does it often talk, at least I think.
} A mountain is so many things, you see,
} And this is some of what it means to me.
} In short, a mountain's nothing but a hill
} That suffers from a case of overkill.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Freudian mammary symbol.


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