1239-08 (22cie dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> Oh, Oracle most wise and sagacious, I've just read your recent
> diagnosis from #1238:
>
> } Over time, Usenetters become sensitized, and anything that sounds
> } like it might be an allusion is likely to set them off at
> } inappropriate moments. Your boss's attack seems a fairly harmless one
> } on the whole, though I am slightly concerned by the presence of
> } Doctor Who material in there amongst the more familiar stuff. If his
> } condition worsens, expect to hear such things as "These are not the
> } droids you're looking for", "You talkin' to me?", "There can be only
> } one!" and "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to
> } die". The terminal stages are characterized by such outbursts as
> } "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast", "Don't cross the
> } beams!" and "Klaatu barada nikto". When you hear any of these, you
> } should put him out of his misery as quickly and humanely as possible.
>
> I am shocked, shocked to realize that I recognize each and every one of
> these quotes. The only one I had a moment's hesitation on was the
> SMAKIBBFB, which I couldn't immediately place. I swear to God, I've
> only watched Red Dwarf one time, one fucking time, and it just happened
> to be that episode! I resigned from the Dr. Who fan club decades ago
> (literally!), and surely the Star Wars, Taxi Driver, Highlander,
> Princess Bride, Ghostbusters and The Day The Earth Stood Still quotes
> have become part of the larger popular culture, right? (Well, OK, I
> *did* buy the Princess Bride video when it came out 10 years ago, but
> it was a youthful indescretion. I only watch it now for nostalgia's
> sake.) (OK, OK, so I had Highlander out from the video store for four
> weeks running. It was only summer reruns on TV, and I didn't have cable
> at the time, OK?)
>
> Oh, wait, I just did a Google search on that catch phrase from Red
> Dwarf, and it looks like it was used a lot on that show. Recognizing
> SMAKIBBFB is roughly the equivalent of recognizing "Bang, zoom, to the
> moon, Alice!" after seeing one episode of "The Honeymooners" (a show
> which I've only seen two or three episodes of, and which seems really
> stupid).
>
> So, anyway, nevermind. I guess I'm not a mindless pop culture drone
> after all.
>
> However, since I'm already sending you an e.mail... which is better,
> satellite or cable?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
} Now wait, I say wait just a minute there, boy. You have merely
} established that you MAY not be a mindless pop culture drone. The only
} way to prove it one way or the other beyond a shadow of a doubt is for
} you to complete the following questionnaire.
}
} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S (tm)
} POP ENCULTURATION INVENTORY
} ---------------------------
}
} 1. Complete HAL's line: "This kind of problem has cropped up before,
} and it has always been due to..."
}
} a. Gremlins.
} b. My Intel Pentium processor.
} c. Irritable bowel syndrome.
} d. Human error.
}
} 2. Which of the following was not said by Yoda?
}
} a. "Do or do not, there is no try."
} b. "Size matters not."
} c. "Like a box of chocolates life is."
} d. "When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you
} will not."
}
} 3. What is the original British title of the book & film known to
} USAns as "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?"
}
} a. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
} b. Harry Potter Gets Stoned.
} c. When Harry Potter Met Sally.
} d. Windows XP for Dummies.
}
} 4. "And it absolutely will not stop! Ever! Until you are dead!" What
} is being referred to?
}
} a. The Terminator.
} b. The Love Boat.
} c. Columbo.
} d. Income tax.
}
} 5. What was Gabrielle sitting on in the notorious bathing scene in
} "Xena: Warrior Princess"?
}
} a. Xena's hand.
} b. The soap.
} c. The remains of her acting career.
} d. Joxer the Mighty (or any other Carry On-style double entendre
} of your choice).
}
} 6. Who said: "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"?
}
} a. Beavis.
} b. Hobbes.
} c. Osama bin Laden.
} d. Jessica Rabbit.
}
} 7. When did the Traveller come as a large and moving Torg?
}
} a. During the Rectification of the Voldrani.
} b. During the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Mecentrig.
} c. Last Tuesday.
} d. Whenever it damn well pleases!
}
} 8. Sir Ian McKellen was unbelievably cool in:
}
} a. Richard III.
} b. Gods and Monsters.
} c. X-Men.
} d. All of the above.
}
} (NB: For the purposes of this test, d. is the wrong answer.)
}
} 9. Who amongst the following has had Borg implants?
}
} a. Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
} b. Seven of Nine.
} c. Britney Spears.
} d. All of the above.
}
} 10. Which of the following was not said by Duke Nukem 3D?
}
} a. "Blow it out your ass!"
} b. "Let god sort 'em out."
} c. "Like a box of chocolates life is."
} d. "I haven't got time to play with myself."
}
} 11. Why do aliens from a distant part of the universe all speak with
} Australian accents?
}
} a. Australians ARE from a distant part of the universe.
} b. You've been watching too much "Farscape".
} c. You didn't expect aliens from a distant part of the universe
} to actually speak English, did you?
} d. Fair crack of the whip, mate, they don't know if it's Pitt
} Street or Christmas out there, and that's the good oil on it!
}
} 12. Of whom was it said he "experienced the sort of abysmal soul
} sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's peasants when, after
} putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his
} wife, and dropping the baby into the city reservoir, he turns to
} the cupboard, only to find the vodka bottle empty"?
}
} a. Ace Ventura, pet detective.
} b. Babe, the sheep-pig.
} c. Fester Bestertester.
} d. Freddie Threepwood.
}
} Score one point for each correct answer from 1-11, and deduct three if
} you actually recognised the P G Wodehouse quote in 12. If your overall
} score is nine or higher, you are unquestionably a mindless pop culture
} drone, so stop trying to pretend otherwise.
}
} And, in answer to your question, any megalomaniac bent on global
} conquest from Blofeld to Dr Evil will tell you that cable is a non-
} starter when it comes to deploying a giant continent-obliterating
} death ray. I'm surprised you even had to ask.
}
} You owe this incarnation a rest from pop culture questions. I'm
} starting to develop a craving to watch "Blake's Seven".
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