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} Twenty quotes for your .sig file? Well, okay. But to do this
} right you need to understand what makes for a good .sig . . .
}
} The main reason to have a .sig is to fool others into thinking
} you are far more ironic than they are. The .sig that does this
} best is one that is so dang cryptic that no one can figure out
} what it means while at the same time sounding as if it is
} saying something profound. First let's look at some pitfalls of
} .sig selection.
}
} Newbies often use sayings from TV shows:
}
} 1)
} "I won't wear my button that says, "I'm a Slayer. Ask me
} how!" -- Buffy
}
} 2)
} Monica: "It's not a date; it's just two people going out to
} dinner and not having sex." Chandler: "Sounds like a date to
} me."
}
} 3)
} At least it tells us they understand our language, they're just
} not willing to speak to us in it. Who knew they were French?
} [Ivanova looks at him.] Sorry. (Cmdr. Ivanova and Marcus Cole,
} B5 "Voices Of Authority")
}
} See how dorky those are? These type of .sigs are not for you,
} the discerning .sig master! Quotes from TV shows aren't ironic,
} they're moronic. They're from TV! This is too shallow a source
} for the noble minds that use USENET to dip from!
}
} Slightly more savvy users use quotes from sources that others
} have already deemed officially cool. These includes:
}
} Zippy the Pinhead quotes:
}
} 4)
} YOW! The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a
} VEGETARIAN!
}
} 5)
} I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors
} d'oeuvres.
}
} or Monty Python lines:
}
} 6)
} The human brain is like an enormous fish - it is flat
} and slimy and has gills through which it can see.
}
} 7)
} He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!
}
} and Steve Wright jokes;
}
} 8)
} You can't have everything, where would you put it?
}
} The Oracle likes those quotes, so do you, so does everyone,
} that's why they just aren't ironic enough for the more
} advanced .sig master.
}
} Now be careful of the sophomoric trap of using pretentious
} .sigs, this includes quotes in Latin and statements by
} philosophers. True, they meet the 'no one can figure
} them out' requirement, but that's about it.
}
} Famous thinkers:
}
} 9)
} A categorical imperative would be one which represented
} an action as objectively necessary in itself, without
} reference to any other purpose.
} - Immanuel Kant, Fundamental Principles of Morals, 2
}
} and Latin:
}
} 10)
} "Silent leges inter arma." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
}
} 11)
} "Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit" - Anon.
}
} So what to use? Draw the shades, and delete this post as
} soon as you read it as I am about to tell you the top three
} sources of -truly- ironic .sigs.
} ------------------------------------------------------
}
} The last words of Dutch Schultz. As you know Dutch was
} a mobster whose dying words were faithfully recorded by
} the police, The trouble is that no one is quite sure what
} he was talking about, yet it is clear he was indeed trying
} to convey a message. Here are some samples:
}
} 12)
} "Cut that out, we don't owe a nickel; hold it; instead, hold
} it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler."
}
} 13)
} "There are only ten of us and there are 10,000,000 fighting
} somewhere of you, so get you onions up and we will throw
} up the truce flag."
}
} And the truly famous final four sentences of Dutch's life:
}
} 14)
} "Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to
} pay. Let them leave me alone."
} ------------------------------------------------------
}
} Lines from the works of Samuel Beckett. Beckett left his
} native Ireland and moved to France to write, saying that only
} the French language could convey his thoughts. So you have a
} sodden mick's babblings translated into French then into sober
} English. Read these .sig quality quotes & smile smugly:
}
} 15)
} "You always bury a dog under a tree, I don't know why. But
} I have my suspicions."
}
} 16)
} "But a sheep's psychology is far simpler than Miss Dew
} had any idea, and the lettuce masquerading as a natural
} product of the park met with no more success than when
} presented frankly as an exotic variety."
}
} 17)
} "And yet it is not unpleasant, before setting to work, to
} steep oneself again in this slow & massive world. where
} all things move with the ponderous sulleness of oxen."
}
} ------------------------------------------------------
} But now the cream of the crop... Meta-irony.
}
} Go to a search engine site that has a voyeur feature that
} lets you peek at what your fellow netizens are searching
} for, the combinations are truly amazingly insightful, yet
} puzzling and detached.
}
} 18)
} "debt AND management prescription drug addiction
} pain AND peeling safe AND cracking"
}
} 19)
} "wedding invitation phrase
} Pamela Anderson mummy pictures "
}
} 20)
} "strap on movies east coast, USA
} military academies in North Carolina
} stardraft butterfly wings
} Bedroom Furniture "
} ------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle an obligatory reference and a well
} executed headstand.
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