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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I clicked the "sned" button but the message didn't go > through.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Subscriber, } } Our records indicate that you are currently overdrawn by 5#-i } micropayments. We regret to inform you that operations like sned(TM) } and other Premium Services are currently unavailable for your account. } In addition, you are being charged a %60-x service fee. Basic service } will continue until the end of the month. However, we urge you to } deposit credits into your MicroPay(TM) account at your earliest } convenience, so that full functionality can be restored. If your } account is not settled before the 15th of this month, service will be } terminated on or before the last day of the current service month. } } Respectfully, } Total Internet Accounting [[TIA]] } ... } } You owe the Oracle 4#-p and 20

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In what ways are playing chess and getting in a bar room > brawl the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's compare the two, shall we? } }                 CHESS                BAR ROOM BRAWL     SIMILAR? } } Start of        Opponents face       Opponents face       yes } battle          each other warily    each other warily }                 across a table       across a bar } } Opponent's      Yuri                 Bubba                 no } name } } Initial         Feints to test       Feints to test       yes } moves           opponent's           opponent's }                 resolve              resolve } } Mid-game        Slow buildup         Slow buildup         yes }                 of strength          of anger } } How to tell     Missing              Missing              yes } that you're     pieces               teeth } losing } } Decisive        Unexpected           Unexpected           yes } moment          and devastating      and devastating }                 attack               attack } } Final           Checkmate            Unconsciousness      yes } outcome } } So there you have it - the only real difference between a chess } game and a bar room brawl is the name of your opponent. } } You owe the Oracle a stiff drink and an effective response to } the Nimzovich-Larsen attack.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Without fear of animadversion I stand before the One and Only >  Internet Oracle, wisest of the Entities whose works appear on >  USENET.  You are this planet's greatest resource, a deep well >  of wisdom that aids us all. You are both Capital and Rational. > >  How can I rid the world of cancer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  But from your query it is obvious that you do not fully } understand the origins of Cancer, so without further ado... } } **wavey picture blurs out and into the new scene** } } SCENE: the swamps of Lerna, a long^(really big number) time ago } } Hercules:  Alas, in my madness, I have murdered my family.  But I will }   make it right by slaying yonder beast! } Hydra:  Oh no!  I do fear that yon madman intends to kill me.  Luckily I }   am immortal. } [ Hercules chops off one of the Hydra's heads.  Another grows in its }   place.  Repeat until listeners get bored. ] } Hercules:  Curses!  This monster proves a larger challenge than }   anticipated. } Hydra:  *yawn* I grow tired of this.  I will summon a giant crab named }   Cancer to finish him } [ Cancer appears with a *TOZ* sound. ] } Hercules:  Ye gods!  A crab whatever will I do?!? } [ Cancer bites Hercules' foot.  Hercules just laughs. ] } Hercules:  Who do you think I am?  Achilles? } [ Hercules slays Cancer. ] } Hydra:  Oh no!  I shall honor mine fallen comrade by giving him a place }   in the heavens. } Hercules:  You're next. } Hydra:  Nyet.  Can't get me unless you know the secret that only }   destroying a specific one of my heads will kill me.  Oops... } } Orrie: Anyhow, long story shorter, Hercules went on the slay the Hydra } and then do a lot of other stuff.  Now, the subject of your question, } however, went on to become M44 (NGC 2632), a distant cluster of stars } between 520 and 590 light years away from Earth.  In fact, with light } pollution, you can't even see it with the naked eye anymore.  So rest } assured, the world has already been rid of Cancer and you can just kick } back and bemoan the scarcity of monsters for the would-be hero of today } to fight. } } You owe the Oracle a 1,040 to 1,180 year vacation to determine just how } far away M44 (NGC 2632) really is.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great Oracle who designs all these fantastic constants: >  Please tell me why we have to do pointless AND boring experiments > in physics to find inaccurate versions of constants that we already > know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohm my god - Avogadro tell you a story Joule really like! } } I Nu this fellow Schroedinger who was great at interviewing people - he } was like an emcee, squared. Anyway, Theta-ther day Schroedinger offered } to sell me his cat (I guess he didn't Quantum). So, um, the Moment,um, } I first see this cat he Volts! And now every time I come home he } Boltz,mann! He gets Tensor and Tensor.. like his former owner was } torturing him on Dirac! } } I wanted to Force Schroedinger to explain, but the Current issue was my } cat's Resistance to be around me. Then one day after Mass, I turned on } the Vacuum, and the Volume surprised him so much that when I turned it } off, he acted as gentle as a Lambdoes. So now I take him to the } Circuits seven times a week - that's a Faraday! } } Anyway, I went to c Schroedinger. "Did you Hertz that cat? Phi on you!" } I said. } } But he exploded: "Watt!??! Such Impedance! That Torr it - you used to } have Potential, but if you don't speak with Gravity, the end of your } career is Lumen!" } } Well, it was all I could do to Coulomb down, but I don't want to Bohr } you with the details. Planck's for a great question! } } You owe the Orace a joke that ends: "Vector? I barely know her!"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do i feel so uncomfortable in relationships that they just dont > last?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do I really need to answer that question, Oedipus?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most perplexingly brilliant, > > Why do you sometimes give me an answer that doesn't match my question > at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Move the bishop to c5, and that sets up the mate at f8, with } bishop and rook. } } You owe the Oracle a white knight.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I the only sane being in this mad mad mad mad world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You dare question the sanity of Napoleon, king of zebras? You orange } granule! I shall smite thee with my striped breadstick! I shall pelt } thee with legumes! You will be hung by your trombone! } } You owe Napoleon a beryllium sandwich.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > The Weapons of Mass Destruction were a pack of lies, and we all fell > for it. > The story of the 'heroic' rescue of Private Lynch was a pack of lies, > and we all fell for it. > The 'jubilant crowds of Iraqis' pulling down Saddams statue was a pack > of lies, and we all fell for it. > > What's the next pack of lies we're all going to fall for ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Does my ass look too big in this jumper?" } "Is this lipstick on your collar?" } "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" } } Tough Questions. You Need Answers. Fast. } } Enter... } }        The All-New and Improved }               OraCo Brand } }             L I E   P A C K } } Each pack of OraCo's New and Improved Lie Pack contains twenty-four } bonafide fibs for general situations where your trust is on the line. } Forget your anniversary? I bought this big honking diamond ring and } I'll be damned if a cow didn't eat it! No problem! Out of the doghouse } for at least as long as it takes Bessie to digest that fictional ring } and for you to get to the jewelry store before it closes. } } Each card is plastic coated and typeset in large, friendly letters. } OraCo's New and Improved Lie Pack retails for $14.95, two packs for } $24.95. Collect 'em. Trade 'em. Guard them with your life. } } OraCo. Making Your Life Just A Bit More Tolerable. } } You owe the Oracle a patent, a trademark, and a service mark.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  >>>>>> >    >>>>>> >      >>>>>> >        >>>>>> >      >>>>>> >    >>>>>> >  >>>>>>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha, a heraldry question. } } The answer is 'six lions rampant on a field gold'. } } You owe the oracle a heraldry dictionary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > how many ways are there to skin a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are N ways to skin a cat. } } We can rule out all all N <= 1, because everyone knows there's more } than one way to skin a cat.  Also, there must be a finite number of } ways we can skin any given cat, limited by the number of lives it has. } So N must also be less than or equal to 9 for any specific cat. } } However, this formulation is only valid for cases in which there is } only one cat.  So for practical purposes, one can multiply the upper } limit to 9 times the number of cats used. } } Thus, the domain comes out to: } } 1 < W <= 9C } } Where W is the number of ways to skin a cat, and C is the number of } cats being used.  [ Presumably, you could skin some of your cats the } same way. ] } } However, if there are any representatives of PETA or the SPCA in the } vincinity, W will collapse rapidly to zero. } } You owe the Oracle several inventive, painful ways to skin animal } rights protesters.