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Internet Oracularities #1333

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1333, 1333-01, 1333-02, 1333-03, 1333-04, 1333-05, 1333-06, 1333-07, 1333-08, 1333-09, 1333-10


Internet Oracularities #1333    (59 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:19:28 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1333
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1333  59 votes 3fih6 5dhh7 2cgn6 4bre3 6hld2 0ceej 19jm8 3ehk5 g8ee7 6defb
1333  3.2 mean  3.1   3.1   3.3   3.0   2.8   3.7   3.5   3.2   2.8   3.2


1333-01    (3fih6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If music be the food of love, play on.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the more erudite things to say if the three
} bean salad starts acting up on you.


1333-02    (5dhh7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --------------010303040007010502040304
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> <!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
> <html>
> <body>
> But technically, aren't all messages (or at least their headers)
> MIME-encoded?
> </body>
> </html>
>
> --------------010303040007010502040304--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, only those that are MIME encoded are MIME encoded.  Duh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better question, wrapped in less HTML.
} --
}
} Hm...that was too easy... There must be a hidden message in there.  But
} what could it be?
}
} [ Orrie listens carefully, but hears nothing.  He then slaps his
} forehead. ]
}
} Of course!  It's a MIME.  Okay, if you don't want to ask your question,
} how about pantomiming it to me.
}
} [ Orrie shudders as he watches.  The performance is excruciating,
} especially when the MIME begins it over again, this time adding strange
} tags all over. ]
}
} Okay.  I think I got it: you're asking, "Why am I trapped in this glass
} box, right?"
}
} [ The MIME nods.  The MIME makes a lot of meaningless gestures, nods
} again, and then makes a lot more meaningless gestures. ]
}
} Couldn't be simpler: You're trapped in there as a favor to me from God.
}
} [ Orrie walks away, leaving the MIME pounding futilely on empty air. ]


1333-03    (2cgn6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> why do clocks move clockwise instead of counterclockwise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clocks move clockwise because that's the definition of the word.  It's
} like asking "why is everyone's left hand (if they have hands) on their
} left side?"  If clocks moved widdershins instead of deasil (or
} sunwise), then we'd call widdershins "clockwise."
}
} To answer the question you mean to ask: the first clocks were sundials,
} and the shadow on a sundial always moves in a deasil direction.
} Mechanical clocks were built to imitate sundials.
}
} Why people insist on using the Babylonian habit of dividing the day
} into multiples of six is a far more interesting question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a minute of your time, saved in a bottle.


1333-04    (4bre3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where is spain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. Let's see now:
}
} * No grovel. That's bad.
} * No capitalization. That's also bad, but to be expected.
} * No punctuation. Bad, too; again, also to be expected.
}
} However, The Oracle is in a very rare magnanimous mood
} this evening, and shall deign to answer this pathetic
} excuse of a Question. In fact, We shall provide several
} answers, among which thou art free to choose:
}
} * Just south of Andorra.
} * Where the rain falls mainly on the plain.
} * Follow the bulls.
} * Just north of the Strait of Gibraltar.
} * Where Spaniards live.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle a thing. Seeing as how I just
} informed Inigo Montoya that YOU are the six-fingered man,
} I almost feel sorry for you.
}
} Almost.


1333-05    (6hld2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> Why is Pokey the Penguin so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is he? Let's find out:
}
}            -------------------------------
}
} [ On a floe near you, we join Pokey the Penguin in the middle
}   of his routine. ]
}
} Pokey: Because they live on cold-e-sacks!
}
} [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ]
}
} Pokey: Okay, how about this one? Why don't penguins vacation
}        in Gwynedd? Because they have a fear of being in Wales!
}
} [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ]
}
} Pokey: Anyone out there have a birthday? Good you do sir,
}        let's all sing "Freeze a jolly good penguin, Freeze
}        a jolly. . .<sigh> Rough crowd. Okay, What's black
}        and white and read all over the Internet? Yes, it's
}        http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1329#1329-10
}
} [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ]
}
} Pokey: Come on people there's more than those two same
}        old jokes on Earth!
}
} [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ]
}
} Pokey: Okay. This penguin is driving his wife around in his
}        car in the desert when the oil light comes on....
}
} [ Crowd of penguins stand and cheer. ]
}
}      ---------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle some ice cream, a seal and one of the
} seven dwarves.


1333-06    (0ceej dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Excellent and Most Lamentable Text Adventure
> of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
> By William Shakespeare
> Been Much Play'd to Great Amusement

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a room.
} > look room.
} The room is small and round. There's a door in the wall
} leading west and a staircase leading down.
} > go west.
} You are on a terrace.
} > look
} There are walls around the terrance and two guards. And
} a ghost.
} > look ghost
} The ghost is a transparent sort of white. It looks like
} your late father.
} > Hi Dad!
} I don't recognize that command.
} > say hi.
} Nothing happens.
} > touch ghost.
} Your hand moves through the ghost. It feels slightly cold
} but nothing happens.
} > look ghost.
} The ghost is a transparent sort of white. It looks like
} it is talking.
} > listen.
} You hear a faint voice, saying: "Careful Hamlet! The new
} king is after you! He killed me to become king. And your
} Mother won't help you!".
} > as if she ever did.
} I don't recognize that command.
} > never mind.
} I don't recognize that command.
} > go door
} You are in a room.
} > go down
} You are in a great hall.
} > look hall
} It's huge, with carpents hung on the walls.
} > go wall
} I can't do that.
} > go carpet
} I can't do that.
} You hear footsteps. Someone is coming to the hall.
} > hide
} I don't know where or what to hide.
} > hide carpet
} I don't know where to hide the carpet.
} > hide me
} I don't know where to hide me.
} > hide behind carpet
} You are behind the carpet. It's dark and very smelly.
} Someone has just entered the room.
} > look room
} You can't do that.
} > look carpet
} It's to dark to do that.
} > Oh for christ's sake!
} I don't recognize that command.
} > cheat soxucavonome
} I don't recognize that command.
} > say "soxucavonome"
} Cheat code accepted.
} You are on a graveyard. Standing next to you is Horatio.
} > look graveyard
} You see lots of graves. Right next to you is an open one.
} > looke open grave.
} You see a skull.
} > take skull
} You have taken the skull.
} > look skull
} It looks familiar.
} > say "Poor Yorick..."
} The skull doesn't respond.
} > say "I knew him well Horatio!"
} Horatio doesn't respond.
} > drop skull
} You have dropped it.
} > go west
} You can't. An open grave is in the way.
} > go east
} You can't. Horatio is in the way.
} > Oh f***!
} I don't recognize that command.
} > say "matikanolino"
} Cheat code accepted.
} You are in a great hall. I front of you stands the king,
} holding a cup. Next to him stands the queen.
} > say "Hi mom!"
} Nothing happens.
} > hit king
} The king averts your punch.
} > look cup
} It's a beautiful silver cup.
} > take cup
} You have taken the cup. The king and the queen return
} to their thrones at the rear of the hall.
} > look cup
} It's filled with a dark, frothy liquid.
} > what the hell.
} I don't recognize that command.
} > drink
} I don't know what to drink.
} > drink cup
} The liquid tastes sweet, with a hint of bitterness.
} > say "more!"
} Nothing happens.
} > drop cup
} You have dropped the cup.
} You feel dizzy.
} > go throne
} You stagger forward.
} You feel dizzy.
} You fall down in front of the steps.
} > hit king
} You are to weak to do that.
} Your arms and legs twitch, then stop.
} You are dead.
} > exit
} Your score is 89.
} You have captured: nothing
} You have won no fights.
} You have won no hearts.
} Try again (Y|N)?
} > N
} Game ended.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Dungeons & Dragons set to
} James Joyce's "Ulysses".


1333-07    (19jm8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows a good grovel when he sees one, please
> relieve me of my confusion.
>
> I own a lot of books, and the more popular ones are rarely on the
> bookshelf.  I've noticed this phenomenon, however, and it puzzles me.
> Some books can be left out on a table, desk, chair, what have you, and
> nothing happens to them.  Others, however, curl up.  There doesn't seem
> to be any correlation between price and curling.  Why do some of my
> paperbacks curl while others do not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood: Curls.
} Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley: Does not curl.
}
} Neuromancer, by William Gibson: Curls.
} Snow Crash, by Neal Stephenson: Does not curl.
}
} Field of Dreams, by W. P. Kinsella: Curls.
} Summerland, by Michael Chabon: Does not curl.
}
} Understanding Media, by Marshall McLuhan: Curls.
} Being Digital, by Nicholas Negroponte: Does not curl.
}
} They're all Canadian.  Of course they're into curling.
}
} You owe the Oracle some books that he can beat at quoits.


1333-08    (3ehk5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise and perceptive Oracle, it is an honor to be able
> to have my lowly question pondered by you,
>
> Is there [deleted for your safety] on Mars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you [deleted for decency] sack of [deleted for your decency].
}
} There is [deleted for my safety] on Mars, and there will always be
} until [deleted for humorous effect] comes to claim it.  But don't
} worry, that won't be until [deleted for security reasons] after George
} Bush vows to [deleted to protect Mr. Bush's character] with the
} [deleted for decency] and the [deleted for dececy] under the [deleted
} to protect Mr. Bush's character].  But don't worry, you can get the
} [deleted for my safety] from Mars if you hurry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a [deleted for my safety] that I can use to [deleted
} for decency] you on the [deleted for reasons of National Security].


1333-09    (g8ee7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!  What on earth happened here?  Are you all right?  Should I call
> an ambulance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The International Community stood up slowly.  "No," it coughed.  "We're
} fine.  I just can't believe what that maniac did.  Someone should take
} away his license to govern."


1333-10    (6defb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!  Hey Orrie!  You'll never guess what I'm going to ask you.
> ...
>
> Um.  Why don't you guess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll be glad to! And can you guess what I'm going to guess?
}
} Of course you can, because I'm infallible. So you know I'll guess right
} first time out. That's not a lot of fun though, is it? So instead,
} here's my evil twin, the Internet Notacle, and he's going to ask you to
} guess what he guesses you're going to ask me. You'll never guess what
} he guesses!
}
}     I'm not your evil twin.
}
} It's just a figure of speech.
}
}     I don't even know you. We've never met before.
}
} Then explain what you're doing living in my temple.
}
}     This isn't your temple, it's my temple. You're a burglar. I'm
}     calling the police.
}
} Nottie, we haven't got time for this...
}
}     We have too! We're immortal. If I sat here flicking my lips going
}     beable, beable for the next three millennia, we'd have more than
}     enough time for it.
}
} Yes, all right, but my supplicant wouldn't. So why don't you--
}
}     That's not your supplicant, it's my supplicant. You don't have
}     supplicants. Nobody'd come to grovel abjectly and obsequiously
}     before an all-time, top of the range mega-loser like you. Me, on
}     the other hand--
}
} Nottie, don't make me hurt you again.
}
}     ...
}
} Good. Now, ask the supplicant to guess what you guess he's going to ask
} me.
}
}     ...Ask me.
}
} Oh, very well! What he's going to ask you.
}
}     No way. He hasn't grovelled yet.
}
} Excuse us a moment, supplicant.
}
}     Hey, what're you...? Get away from me. Aaahh! AAARGGGH! OW,
}     OW, stop it, OW! All right, all right, I'll ask him!
}
} I knew you'd see sense in the end.
}
}     Stupid supplicant, guess what I guess you're going to ask my
}     stinky big bully of a brother, who's the ickiest pooh in all the
}     known multiverse and some others besides.
}
} Eloquently if ungraciously put. Well, supplicant? Can you guess what
} the infinitely perverse Internet Notacle guesses your question to me
} might be? Go on, I'll give you three tries. No, chickens don't enter
} into it. Shush, Nottie! Neither does true love. Ha, ha! Not so easy, is
} it? Nottie, be quiet, you've had your turn. One more try, supplicant.
} Disfiguring skin complaints? Hah, that's the worst yet! Not by a mile!
}
} Don't feel too bad, supplicant. Even the Oracle, who sees the little
} sparrow fall and knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, can't
} figure out what my idiot brother is going to say next half the time. I
} think it's a quantum mechanical, Schroedinger's cat sort of thing. Just
} be thankful we didn't get a visit from my other twin, the Internet
} Andacle--
}
}     He's even stinkier than you!
}
} --or you really would have got a dose of Boole's Revenge. And, just to
} show you there's no hard feelings, the answer to the question you were
} actually going to ask me is: about an ell.
}
} You owe the Oracle an only childhood.
}
} Out of idle curiosity, Nottie, what did you guess that supplicant was
} going to ask me?
}
}     I guessed he was going to ask: where can a chicken with a
}     disfiguring skin complaint find true love? I did, I swear it! Get
}     away! Ow, ow, OW! Rotter! AAAaahhHHHHHH!


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