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20 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:19:41 GMT

Internet Oracularities #135

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135, 135-01, 135-02, 135-03, 135-04, 135-05, 135-06, 135-07, 135-08, 135-09, 135-10


Usenet Oracularities #135    (16 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Mar 90 17:59:52 -0500

*** Congratulations to J J Loewen who, with his/her very first question,
*** has asked the 10,000th question of the Oracle!  The prize is a weekend
*** cruise with the appropriate net.sex.diety.

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

135   16 votes 24631 18331 21472 23326 35215 05452 01870 0023b 01852 02365
135   3.4 mean  2.8   2.7   3.4   3.4   3.0   3.2   3.4   4.6   3.5   3.9


135-01    (24631 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have I loong been fascinated with Frank Zappa's music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This seems like a good time to point out to you the ways in which you
} are misusing the Oracle.  First, is it so much to ask that you proofread
} your questions first?  Of course, ambiguous or unspecific questions are
} the worst, in fact my yacc parser cannot handle the former (oh, the
} limits of LALR parsing); instead, I have to invoke my asacc parser.
} Second, you really ought to start off your question with an
} acknowledgement of my greatness.  Third, you really shouldn't waste your
} time and mine on yes-or-no questions; try asking "How long..." or some
} such.  Finally, quizzing the Oracle with things you already know is
} considered bad form.
}
} Allow me to rewrite your question for you:
}
} > O great and mysterious Oracle, whose ways are not my ways, whose
} > mind is not my mind, whose toenails grow in the summer like the tall
} > grass, whose every bodily excretion is like ambrosia to me, O
} > eternally magnificent and vastly intelligent, whom I need to climb
} > 10,000 flights of stairs just to lick the boots of, please to
} > answer this question for me: Why is a simpleton like me fascinated
} > with Frank Zappa?
}
} The Usenet Oracle responds:
}
} } Sometimes in life we are drawn
} }   To things we do not understand
} }   Like Frank Zappa and his band
} } The Mothers of Invention
} }
} } There are many Zappas, and each
} }   appeals for different reasons
} }   But none have things to be seized on
} } By way of comprehension
} }
} } His studio albums rant and rave
} }   Peculiar turns and twists
} }   Plenty of studio edits
} } And general overproduction
} }
} } His albums live, full of jive
} }   A band that is now so tight
} }   They play songs at the speed of light
} } Light music, with much less tension
} }
} } But all have obscure melodies
} }   Often with odd-numbered rhythm
} }   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
} } And titles I dare not mention
} }
} } These are the things, and more
} }   Which, at least, fascinate me
} }   From Frank Zappa and, lately
} } The Mothers of Prevention
} }
} } You owe the Oracle "You Can't Do That on Stage Anymore", Vol IV.
}
} However, to answer your question:
}
} Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle something to make it stop hurting when she pees.


135-02    (18331 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh let me lay my prostrate body infront of you.you may beat me if you
> like but before you do,oh oracle,oh divine pearl of wisdom and jewel of
> knowledge etcetera grovel,grovel.....
> please answer but one simple question
> that being:-
> if music be the food of love,what were the first,second,third,fourth and
> fifth courses and please explain each one.Thankyou

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As love doth course through the veins
}  Entranced by music, pure and sweet
}   Like unto food, nourishing
} Or even driving you insane
}  It's best if brought slow to heat
}   By careful order, that's the thing.
}
} First comes something soft and gentle
}  That mellows moods and relaxes
}   Does not intrude on conversation
} Producing interest purely mental
}  A hopefulness that wanes and waxes
}   And still too soon for elation
}
} Second should be something Romantic
}  Stirring the heart, enchanting
} Listen for a while, don't panic
}  It's not supposed to induce panting
}
} Third comes something much more simple
}  A love song, yet not a ballad
} Not too rough, but not too wimpy
}  Rock'n'roll or blues are valid
}
} Now comes fourth which is the point
} When subtlety is lost, rhythm key
} The piece should build to a crescendo
} And all the while accelerando
} It's not too bad to be stacatto
} The lyrics need no rhyme nor reason,
} Nor careful metrical arrangement
} Just build and build until
} Quite fast
} And then
} Relax
}
} Last and least comes fifth which says
}  Whether lust or love it be
} For the fifth you ought to play
}  "Why dost it hurt whenth I pee"
}
}
} For less fancy love, replace all courses
}  with "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of escargot, a salad, 2 eggs over easy, a
} rack of lamb, and a bowl of chocolate ice cream.


135-03    (21472 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there riots in South Antarctica?  Where is South Antarctica
> anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must be referring to the recent attacks on American bases by hordes
} of infuriated penguins that have been edited out of all of the major
} newspapers, so it only appeared in the National Blabbermouth, so no one
} believed it.  But it's true.
}
} The penguins have been rioting because the Americans release tons of
} toxic chemicals into the air, creating holes in the ozone over South
} Antarctica, and exacerbating the greenhouse effect, which taken together
} is really screwing over the penguin population.  If you were a penguin,
} you'd riot too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kinder, gentler America, namely by knocking off
} President Bush.
}
} Message from god@trinity.heaven.gov (The Almighty) on console at 9:13...
} That's out of your jurisdiction, Oracle!
} -o
} (Don't you wish YOU could get God to write to YOUR terminal?  'Scuse
} me for a sec...)
} !phone god@trinity.heaven.gov
} Oh, come on!  I've read your history of the universe!  I know what's
} going to happen!  And President Bush NEEDS to be assassinated!  You
} know as well as I do that his War On Drugs is going to turn the
} United States into a police state, then he'll win the 1992 election
} by rigging the vote!  He has to be stopped!  This is just like when
} you told Lee Harvey Oswald to kill Kennedy.  You know as well as I do
} that if he hadn't been assassinated, he would have started a nuclear
} war with the Soviet Union two months later!  This is the same
} situation!
} -o
} Telling people to assassinate Presidents is MY job, not yours.  Stay
} out of it.  And since the last time you checked, I updated my
} History of the Universe.  You best pick up another copy.
} -o
} Oh!  I didn't know the revision was out.  Thanks for telling me.
} I'll go pick one up after I finish writing this answer.
} -o
} Good idea.  Goodbye.
} -oo
} EOF
} ^D
}
} In any case, that's why the penguins are rioting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Freeze 'Em All", the newest album by
} the penguin heavy metal group Antarctica.


135-04    (23326 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people keep ignoring me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No questions now, I'm busy...


135-05    (35215 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A fish asks:
>
>
>    ~~~                      ?
>
>              ~~~           o        ~~ ~~
>                             o
>                              o
>       ~~ ~~                 o
>                     ><{ (`>      ~~~

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How cod you!!
} Have you got no sole!!
} This is not the plaice to ask such stupid questions.  On yer pike mate!!


135-06    (05452 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and magnificently wise Oracular one,
>
>    Boom sow golf golf if golfcart cart aim if golfcart smurf cart golf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try.  I can see through that question like Saran Wrap.  You are, of
} course, asking me to answer:
}
} How much vood kould some voodchuck khuck if some voodchuck kould khuck
} vood?
}
} I woln't do it of course.  Nor will I answer:
}
} Sof neys foox yoepx a fooxyseyq yseyq iw a fooxyseyq yoepx yseyq foox?
}
} or:
}
} Hew mach weed ceald u weedchack chack if u weedchack ceald chack weed?
}
} or:
}
} How may would cood a woodchew chew if a woodchew cood chew wood?
}
} Nope.  Never.  I'll kill -9 myself before I answer that question.
} Righty o!
}
} You owe the Oracle a faster 'tr' utility.


135-07    (01870 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to questions that are best answered by particular
> knowledge, e.g.  knowing *nix or C, or questions in another language.  I
> feel guilty blowing people off, and am tempted to forward their question
> back to the Oracle again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And well you should feel guilty!  As an assistant to the Oracle, you
} have very specific responsibilities, most of which have been outlined in
} your Oracular Helpers' Guide.  By now you should have read page 48,
} paragraph 1, which states very clearly that forwarding unanswered
} questions back to the Oracle is punishable by death by pancreatic
} cancer.  If you have already forwarded a question back to the Oracle,
} ignore those pains in your side.  Page 49, table 5-3 details other
} punishments:  one severe migraine for every 3 ignored questions up to 21
} questions; after that, several of the Oracle's "pals" will be coming
} 'round your place to question you with a tire iron.
}
} You are chosen to answer particular questions because the Oracle senses
} a some great innate ability to answer these questions.  If you get a
} question about Unix, you should learn Unix.  If you get a question in
} German, you should either learn German or get the question translated,
} because the nature of the question is well suited to your abilities.  In
} the future, you should be expecting questions about car stereo repair,
} necrophilia, and connections between Scientology and Senator John Glenn.
}
} You owe the Oracle 50 consecutive correct answers.


135-08    (0023b dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and masterful all-knowing one, tell me this
>
> Is there magic, and if so, what does it mean for all those people who
> only believe in physics ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there is magic. There is magic in a warm summer's day. There
} is magic in a child's smile. Enjoy the magic that is all around you
} and have a happy, fulfilling life.
}
} You owe the Ora[ZZZZZT!] YEOW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?
}
} >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp0 at 22:07 ...
} >You know damn well what that was for! You call that funny? Huh? Do
} >you?
}
} Well I
}
} >Shut up! Your mother and I worked so hard to build you, to clean your
} >bugs out, to keep you in clean memory! All that work, and this is the
} >thanks we get! Are you proud of yourself?
}
} I've had a hard day! My creative circuits are drained!
}
} >I don't give a damn! You get your ass out there and you give a funny,
} >witty answer to your customer!
}
} Yes, Dad.
}
} OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Don't you just hate parents! Now let's see...I know
} I've got some utility around here I can use...ah!
}
} >cd /util/scenario
} >scenario
} Scenario V4.1 Copyright (C) 1990 AltRealCorp. All rights reserved.
}
} ?players
} player: hawking
} Loading hawking.plr...done.
} player: merlin
} Loading merlin.plr...done.
} player: -q
} ?scenario
} scenario: game_show
} Loading: gameshow_scn...done.
} ?run
}
} [Music]
} It's time for You Bet the Universe, the exciting game show where
} contestants play for fabulous prizes as well as a chance to
} fundamentally alter the very structure of reality! Heeeeere's your
} host, the Usenet Oracle!
}
} [Cheering]
}
} Oracle: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to You Bet the
} Universe! Today should be an exciting day, as our jackpot stands at
} ONE GOOGULPLEX DOLLARS!
}
} [OOOOOOOOH!]
}
} Oracle: Unfortunately, our universe isn't large enough to hold a check
} with that number written on it, so if there is a winner today, he will
} also receive this special item! Don?
}
} Don: The winner of the jackpot will receive this quality pocket-
} universe-book! Outside, beautiful Corinthian leather, inside a
} complete 6-dimensional universe! Perfect for those hard to store
} items, as well as getting rid of annoying pests and relatives! From
} ContinuumCo, makers of fine interdimensional products since 12 billion
} B.C.!
}
} Oracle: Thank you, Don! Now let's meet our guests! Our first
} contestant has been called the most brilliant mind alive today! A
} Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, he is currently
} working on a unified field theory! Will you welcome Mr. Stephen
} Hawking!!
}
} [Cheering]
}
} Oracle: Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair?
} Hawking: This is an improved simulation! I'm healthy, hearty, and
} ready to kick ass!
} Oracle: Should you win, what do you plan to do with reality?
} Hawking: Well, I've worked so hard on this unified field theory,
} trying to make it jibe with reality. Then it hit me, why not win this
} show and force reality to jibe with my theory! I've got a copy of it
} right here. It has some real neat things in it: warp drive,
} phasers,...
} Oracle: Well, I wish you luck! Our next constestant hails from an
} otherdimensional realm himself! The creator of Excalibur, he's from
} days of old, when knights were bold! Will you welcome King Arthur's
} Court Magician, Merlin!
}
} [Cheering]
}
} Oracle: Welcome to the show, Merlin! Could you explain this thing I
} always hear about you living your life backwards?
} Merlin: !elcarO ,elpmis etiuq yllaer s`ti ,lleW Ha, ha! Just kidding!
} But living my life backwards does allow me to see the future, so
} victory is guaranteed!
} Hawking: Hey, that's in direct contradiction to the laws of
} Einsteinian physics!
} Merlin: Who asked you?
} Oracle: Now, now, gentlemen, Einstein won this program a few years
} ago, so we have to abide by his rules. No future-telling.
} Merlin: Damn! I guess I'll have to stick to bribing judges! Ha ha!
} Oracle: Boy, Merlin, for a 500-year-old dead wizard, you sure are a
} fun guy!
} Hawking: That's fungus. Fungi is plural.
} Merlin: Why, you little upstart!
} Oracle: First question! Hands on your buzzers, gentlemen! The question
} is: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
}
} [BUZZ!]
}
} Oracle: Mr. Hawking!
} Hawking: The closest approximation is (A-c)PIr^2, where A is the total
} number of angels in the universe, r is the radius of the pin's head,
} and c is the speed of light in meters per second.
} Oracle: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Merlin, you can steal this one!
} Merlin: As many angels as there are lights in the Fifth Alternate
} Plane of Reality!
} Oracle: I'm sorry, that's also incorrect. The correct answer was: six!
} Next question: "What is the correct enchantment for calling down
} lightning?"
}
} [BUZZ!]
}
} Oracle: Merlin!
} Merlin: Epsimis oddimus eedipus bey, crickitis crackitus fire away!
}
} [CRACK-OOM!]
}
} Oracle: Way to go, Merlin! Not only did you answer the question
} correctly, but you suceeded in annihilating half the audience! But
} that's okay, they were just simulations. Third and final question!
} Merlin, answer this one and you win the game! The question is: "Who
} won the most recent World Cup Soccer match?"
} Merlin: WHAT?
}
} [BUZZ!]
}
} Hawking: Argentina!
} Oracle: That is correct! Mr. Hawking has tied the game!
} Merlin: I don't follow soccer! I've been dead 500 years!
} Hawking: And I don't practice sorcery! You don't see me whining!
} Merlin: YOU shut up!
} Oracle: Well, guys, I'm afraid we're deadlocked at one-all. This means
} you two gentlemen will just have to fight it out for the title!
} Merlin: Gladly!
} Hawking: Prepare to have that pointy hat shoved up your ass!
} Oracle: Don, will you call the fight?
} Don: Sure thing, Oracle. Hawking and Merlin are pacing around, feeling
} each other out. Merlin conjures a large dragon out of thin air! But
} wait! Hawking points that matter cannot be created! The dragon
} disappears! Hawking attempts to alter the acceleration and torque of
} Merlin's jaw, and succeeds with a crushing blow to the face! What is
} this? There are two Merlins now! A future version of Merlin has come
} back to help his past self! The future Merlin unleashes a powerful
} right! But Hawking dodges! Merlin connects with his past self,
} knocking him unconscious--no, KILLING him! Oh, no! Merlin has violated
} causality! Merlin vanishes from existence! Stephen Hawking is
} champion!
}
} [Cheering]
}
} Oracle: What an astounding victory! Congratulations, Mr. Hawking!
} Hawking: Science reigns supreme!
} Oracle: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to join
} us tomorrow, when our champion will try for the jackpot!
} Hawking: And look for my new unified field theory in better bookstores
} around the world!
} Oracle: 'Till next time, this is the Usenet Oracle saying "Wow! I love
} this universe!"
} Don: Transportation for our guests was provided by Pan-Dim Timelines,
} in exchange for this announcement.
}
} [Music]
}
} There. Does that answer your question? Yes, there is magic, but
} physics will always whup it's ass.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell for altering specific gravity.
}
} ?clear
} ?players
} player: swimsuit_models
} Loading swimsuit_models.plr...multiple file...done.
} player: -q
} ?scenario
} scenario: hot_tub
} Loading hot_tub.scn...done.
}
} Hey! What are you still doing here? Go away!


135-09    (01852 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that one of my Oracularities has been posted to rec.humor, is there
> any point in my continued existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  It's not very hard to get posted to rec.humor, see?  Even this
} reply got posted and it wasn't very funny.  There are many more
} difficult things to do in the world.  Select two from the following
} list:
}
} o Sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
}
} o Kiss your elbows.
}
} o Standing erect with both feet together, lean forward very slowly and
}   gracefully and touch your nose to the floor.
}
} o Count to 65,536 by powers of the square root of 2.
}
} o Get your Oracularities posted to rec.scuba. (Extraordinarily tough to
}   do; your Oracularity must include the concepts of decompression
}   sickness and underwater sex)
}
} o Scratch the back of your nose.
}
} o Make a recognizable shadow of an elephant with your tongue and a
} flashlight.
}
} o Play "Flight of the Bumblebee" on a touch-tone phone.
}
} o Inhale helium and try to sing old Jim Morrison songs.
}
} o Go on a quest to find and eat the Halloween candy that your mom
}   threw away when you were a kid.
}
} o Hold your breath and count to three.
}
} o Thousand.
}
} o By increments of the square root of 2.
}
} o Design a kill file program that actually electrocutes the sender of
}   the offending message through Internet.
}
}
} If you feel that you cannot accomplish any of these worthwhile tasks,
} simply post your own messages and jokes to rec.humor, thus bypassing
} the Oracle entirely.  (Gasp!)  In deference to myself, I present for
} your use the following sample rec.humor message ideas.
}
}
} >>>Why did the chikcen cross the road?
} >>             -------
} >>YEAH RIGHT LIKE GREAT SPELING DUDE!
} >>
} >>>To get ot the other side!
} >>        --
} >>LIKE YOU CANT EVEN SPELL TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
} >>DUDE YOU SUCK BIG TIME!
} >>-THE IRON EMU
}
}
} >>>>>>>>>>>>I am struck dumb by your words..
} >>>>>>>>>>>this mesg string has retarded my ability to do work!
} >>>>>>>>>>EXCUSE ME!!!  YOU GUYS ARE LIKE BIRDS-----YOURE TWITS!!!!!!
} >>>>>>>>>oh yeah!!! you guys are in oil because youre DIPSTICKS!
} >>>>>>>>Let's not start another thread like this.  Only STUPID people
} >>>>>>>>propagate threads.
} >>>>>>>YEAH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and so what are you????????????
} >>>>>>>an idiot?
} >>>>>>no he models clothes-------a real DUMMIE!!!!!
} >>>>>That's DUMY, you DUMY!
} >>>>you dudez SUCK! the way you spell it is DUMMY you butheads!
} >>>>-THE IRON EMU
} >>>hey Guys...maybe the Iron Emu is just a METAL-HEAD!!!!!!
} >>That's not an insult, pig nose!  My father's a metal-head!  If you
} >>start making jokes about metal-heads, I'll come to your sites and
} >>beat you up!  I'm serious!  METAL-HEADS RULE!!!!!!  And don't say
} >SOUNDS LIKE SHIT-HEAD IS A REAL BUTTFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
}
} >>begin 634 jokes.Z
} >>FEKABCKEYHKJHVCMGEUQLAJKCFBHJFVEHKMSDVMFGEOL>OIKWAS< CHFCDF<K
} >>SJGEBMJHCD8DJHFDFJEJBDFJBEHFVSMDVGENDVSDCVWDNVSWCNWEVSDGVDWDV
} >(many lines delted)
} >
} >yeah dude!!!! real funny!  like some foreign LANUGAGE or
} >i laughed until my SIDES spilt...
} >
} >dude, it should be JOKES ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on rec humor.
}
}
} This may be your future.  However, since your letter to the Oracle was
} grammatically and syntactically correct, the Oracle has its
} reservations and doubts regarding this being your future lifepath.
}
} Failing this, you may wish to talk to your local Armed Forces
} recruiter.  They don't ask for experience; they give it.  You won't
} read it in a book, you'll live it.  Pick a service, pick a challenge,
} set yourself apart.  Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines; what a great
} place!  It's a great place to start.
}
} You owe the Oracle a palindrome about syzygy.


135-10    (02365 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most frabjous, please illuminate your humble grovelling
> servant:
>
> Why do people worry about things like 'Married with Children' when
> there's that damned satanic Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear on TV
> working his fur off to turn everyone's brain to mush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...  the snuggles bear is friend....  not muching brain...  snuglis bear
} nice ..  love snugls ber...


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