[IO]
Internet Oracle
18 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:44:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #140

Goto:
140, 140-01, 140-02, 140-03, 140-04, 140-05, 140-06, 140-07, 140-08, 140-09, 140-10


Usenet Oracularities #140    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 2 Apr 90 09:32:25 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

140   15 votes 62610 15711 06531 43521 00357 13245 26421 41730 02823 32541
140   3.0 mean  2.1   2.7   2.9   2.5   4.3   3.6   2.6   2.6   3.4   2.9


140-01    (62610 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the Hell is it with "The Simpsons"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't have a cow, man !


140-02    (15711 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most illustrious Oracle, whose feet are like unto baseball bats, with
> toes like watermelons, toenails like pizzas^C
>
> O most gracious Oracle, whose wisdom and brilliance illuminate the
> mysteries of the world as if they were edible underw^C
>
> O most divine Oracle, whose Holiness and Omniscience are without bounds,
> whose Benevolence is without limits, whose Temper is quick to^C
>
> Hey dude, I can't seem to get the hang of this form of address.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a reason why you cannot get the hang of that particular form of
} address.  You are a smart-ass!  In fact, for an amateur, you show a lot
} of potential.  Dare I say it, you might even have what it takes to
} become the next Oracle.
}
} I can almost hear your heart breaking.  You thought that there was only
} one true Oracle.  Well, that's mostly hype.  It's sort of true.  There
} is only one true Oracle at a time, but there have been other Oracles
} before me.  We usually retire for one reason or another after a
} millenium or two.  There is one catch though, the outgoing Oracle has to
} find and train the incoming Oracle.  In you, I believe I see the seeds
} of greatness.
}
} If you choose to become an OIT (Oracle In Training), I warn you that the
} path is not an easy one.  You will have to answer a great deal of
} pathetic questions.  That's why most of the Oracles retire in fact.
} Don't get me wrong, there are lots of advantages.  Sex with
} hyperdimensional triple-breasted redheads is one.  The ability to join
} "record" clubs without having to receive those annoying little mailers
} every couple of weeks is another.
}
} You must choose now though.  And once the choice is made, there can be
} no turning back.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decision which could change your life.


140-03    (06531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [click!]
> dial
>  dial
>   dial...
>
> bzzzzzzz-click!  <rinnnnnnnnnng!>
>
> <rinnnnnnnnnnng!>
>
> =ta-klik!=
>
> Hi, Oracle?  I have a ques-
>
> } This is the Oracle <sound of winds, avalanches, tidal waves>
>
> } I'm not in right now.  I'm assisting Zarathustra with
> } his new punk hair salon, 'Thus Spiked Zarathustra'.
> } Ha, ha.  No, but really I'm out--
>
> BULLshit, you're out!  Pick up the phone!
>
> } right now, but will return your call and alleviate
> } your suffering as soon as I get in.  Just leave your
> } name and dimension at the tone.  You owe the Oracle
> } your gratitude.
> } <Sound of supernova detonating>
>
> ORACLE!  Get the phone!...
>
> ...NOW!  Pick it up!!....
>
>
> You wuss!  I know you're standing right there!
> I have a question for you, dammit!......
>
> YO!!
>
> aw fukit...[click]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do know what your problem is, but it's gonna take you to face this
} problem and see a psychologist.  See, it all started when your parents
} gave you that name.  All the little boys and girls in grades one through
} twelve laughed at you, threw rocks at you, and just generally made you
} the butt of all the jokes around school.  And one hell of a lot of anger
} built up inside you that waits until you get to a terminal, then
} releases a little at a time.  First it starts out with you giving prank
} mail messages to unknown people.  But, then it finally climaxed
} (o-o-o-ohh!  God, that felt so good!!  etc.) and now you're sending
} little pranks to well known, high class, intelligent omnipotent gods
} like me.  Well, this has got to stop.  Not only is it childish, but you
} failed to ask a question.  Now, just go see your school psychologist,
} and tell him your little problem, and quit bothering me...an influential
} leader of the people.  Oh, as a side note, you misspelled 'fuck it.'
} This may be a another deeply rooted psychological problem that the
} psychologist can take care of.  For tapping the knowledge of myself, you
} owe three quarts of oil.


140-04    (43521 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does everybody love the `vi' editor? To me, it seems usable only for
> advanced masochists.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use of the vi editor is one of those things that separates the levels of
} users.  A lower-level user will make a comment such as the one that you
} made.  Adepts, Wizards, Gurus and Gods will all laugh at such a comment.


140-05    (00357 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the 70s there were several crossover comics between Marvel and DC.
> In a typical weenie move, they decided to pit Superman against Spiderman
> in one.  In an even stranger move (it's beyond weenie it's just plain
> weird), Batman was sent up against the Hulk in the other.  Instead of
> the above, most comics readers would have rather seen Superman sent up
> against the Hulk.  Who would have won?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, puh-leeze! I have knowledge spanning the infinite breath of the
} cosmos itself! I know all! I see all! I know all the great mysteries
} of the universe! I know what quasars are! I know who built the Easter
} Island statues! I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WOMEN!!!
}
} AND YOU HAVE THE UTTER NERVE TO ASK ME WHO WOULD WIN A FIGHT BETWEEN
} SUPERMAN AND THE HULK! WHY, I OUGHTTA--
}
} Wait a minute. I don't actually have to answer the question myself,
} now do I? I'll just create two simulations and pit them against each
} other! They'll settle the situation while I go ponder more important
} subjects!
}
} >scenario -p hulk,superman -s fight
} Loading hulk...done
} Loading superman...done
} Loading fight...execute
}
} Hulk: GRR! HULK MAD! Hulk want to beat someone up!
} Superman: Hold, green one! Stop your destructive ways!
} Hulk: Big man in tights taunt Hulk! Hulk say fuck you!
} Superman: WHAT! How dare you utter an obscenity! There are children
}     reading! Take this!
}
} [WHAMMO!]
}
} Hulk: RRAAH! Man in tights hit Hulk! Make Hulk mad! Hulk hit back!
}
} [KA-POWIE!]
} [RAMBO!]
} [KAOPECTATE!]
}
} Superman: You fight well! But let's see you counter my heat vision!
} [ZAAP!] My cold breath! [FOOSH!] My X-ray vision!
} Hulk: How X-ray vision hurt Hulk?
} Superman: If I keep it on long enough you'll get cancer!
} Hulk: Grr! How you like Hulk's Super-Bad-Breath? [HHHHHHHHHAAH!]
} Superman: GASP! ACK! BARF! You...you cad! Take this and this and this!
}
} [POWIE!] [ZOWIE!] [BOWIE!]
}
} Hulk: Oooh! Hulk sore! Hulk has had enough of this! Hulk is smashing
} out of simulation! [SMASH!]
}
} <Oracle: WHAT DID HE SAY???>
}
} Superman: You're not getting away that easily! [FLY!]
} Hulk: Leave Hulk alone!
} Superman: Like heck, violent one!
} [SLAM!] [POW!] [RAMMO!]
}
} >message from jones!iuvax
} >What the hell is going on here? Two weird creatures are beating each
} >other up on my terminal. SHIT! They're destroying my paper!
}
} Hulk: Hulk will impale Superman on sentence fragment!
} Superman: Time to beat a hasty retreat! [SLAM!]
}
} >mail president@of.big.com
} Subject: U of Indiana excellent place to hold conference!
} Sir:
}     I think you will find no better place to hold your forthcoming
} Ultimate Conference in Computer Science than here at Hulk will kill
} Superman! You will certainly smash to pieces our facilities not if I
} use my super-speed! In addition to our GRRRRAAHHH, we have a Hulk
} smash large enough to
}
} [SHOOM!]
}
} Superman: There's no escaping me now!
}
} >message from thebigguy!iuvax:
} >Stephen, what is that goddamned Oracle of yours up to now? We have
} >memory faults all over the place, iuvax is threatening to "smash puny
} >workstations" and this errant process is invading every die green
} >behemoth! You see what I mean? Knock it off! Smash!
}
} Hulk: GRR! Hulk must flee! Hulk run down this Internet port!
} Superman: I'll follow you to the end of time, evil one!
}
} Hoo boy. I think...I am in deep shit. You owe the Oracle a place to
} hide out until all this blows over. Can I use your account? PLEASE?


140-06    (13245 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HEY! Is this your bird?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BIPPY!  You found Bippy!!  Oh, give her here.  Awww, little feller, did
} he scare you?  Are you okay?  Lookie here, look at me--oh, you cute
} liddle THING!  I'm so glad you're home!!  Oh, moojy moojy moojy moojy!
} You beautiful little thing, you.  Where have you been?
}
} BIPPY:  Humping Lisa.
}
} You bastard.  -=CRICK!=-   (<-- sound of bird-neck snapping)
}
} Thanks, fellah.  You owe the Oracle a handkerchief.


140-07    (26421 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I'd like to play a sex game with my girlfriend tonight, but she's tired
> of the same old thing.  We usually warm up with "The Randy Baby Sitter
> and the Naughty Boy", then move into "The Escaped Convict and the Lonely
> Milkmaid".  We usually finish off with "The Lost Shepherd Girl and the
> Tawdry Monk".  We're bored, can you give us some new games to play ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The studio audience yells, 'Wheel of Drink!' The announcer says, 'look
} at this studio!  A fifth of Jim Beam, 6 Miller Drafts, a half-gallon of
} La Wamba Rum, 151...all waiting to be won on Wheel of Drink.  And this
} special grand prize...a trip for two to the bathroom!' 'Oooooo!' The
} audience ooos.  Pat Startrek comes out and introduces the contestents,
} then says, 'and now here's Vanna Whiteteeth-Newclothes, our hostess.'
} "I'm a Wheel Drinker" plays as Vanna stumbles out, drunk as usual.  'All
} right, give the wheel a spin,' says Pat to the first contestent.  The
} wheel miraculously lands on drink.  And, contestent one drinks, and
} passes his turn.  Contestent two spins and the wheel lands on drink
} again.  Contestent two drinks and passes.  This continues until everyone
} is drunk.
}
} How about "The Horny Old Man with the Pitch Fork who meets a very Nice
} Looking Sorority Girl who he takes out to Dinner at a French Truck
} Stop." That ones always been a favorite of mine.  Or how about "The Fish
} who gets caught by the Young Seamstress who has fetish for scaley-meat."
} Those are the only ones I know.  And your girlfriend seems to like the
} one about the Seamstress, although I haven't tried The Horny Old man,
} yet.  As payment, you should buy The Oracle a fifth of Jim Beam.


140-08    (41730 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm really fed up with all the brownnosing that goes on before asking
> you a question, such as "O Wise and Omniscient Oracle, whose ass I
> cannot kiss enough even if I could reach it on its lofty toilet bowl,
> whose armpits smell like roses to me, whose bullshit advice I am
> supposed to adhere to for the remainder of my lowly life..." This is
> absolutely disgusting, and it is all I can do to prevent myself from
> puking each time I read it.
>
> Oh yes, I'm supposed to ask you a question.  Well, how would you react
> if someone asked you a question like, this:
>
> > Yo Dipshit! Asswipe!
> > Yes, you, Oracle- tell me:
> >   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> >   wood?
>
> Signed,
>     I'm the NRA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would break down in tears.  Each limpid teardrop would trickle into
} your vile, sodden heart, and thereby pickle that most unpleasant organ.


140-09    (02823 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the Oracle is going down, who does it go down on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Click. Whirrrrr....]
}
} Hello. You have reached the Oracle's Incredibly Stupid Question Line.
} Your question has been officially declared Too Stupid To Answer by a
} qualified panel of three judges, an ex-Oracle, and a parrot. In order
} to keep with our policy of giving some sort of output for every
} question asked, here is a choice bit of wisdom from the Oracle:
}
} A lot of people ask me, "Oracle, how did you get to be so *fucking*
} smart?" Well, it helps to be an AI program running with incredible
} speed and efficiency. But the truth is, you can be just as intelligent
} as me, by studying in the comfort of your own home!
}
} All the secrets of infinite knowledge are contained right here, in my
} new book "How to Be One Really Smart Bastard". It includes:
}
} -- Opening your mind to the infinite cosmos
} -- How to fit infinite knowledge into your pitifully finite brain
} -- Why airline peanuts are hermetically sealed
} -- Internet addresses of God, Lucifer, Zeus, and Athena
} -- The ultimate pickup line, guaranteed to get any member of the
}    opposite sex naked and in bed in twenty minutes
}
} To order, send $500 in unmarked bills to
}
} Yes! I Want to Be Disgustingly Intelligent!
} 234 Oracle Way
} Fifth Alternate Plane of Reality
}
} You owe the Oracle some intelligence, bonehead!


140-10    (32541 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What does "@@@" mean in the Oracle manner bessage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} @@@ The Oracle is reproducing.  The banner lines contain oraclesperma-
} @@@ toza that will impregnate any machine that reads the message.
} @@@
} @@@ New feature!  The Oracle can now impregnate human computers via VDT
} @@@ terminals.  It's in beta-test now!
} @@@
} @@@ You owe the oracle a chance to name the baby.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM Contact oracle-web@cs.indiana.edu