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Internet Oracularities #1470

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1470, 1470-01, 1470-02, 1470-03, 1470-04, 1470-05, 1470-06, 1470-07, 1470-08, 1470-09, 1470-10


Internet Oracularities #1470    (34 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:56:20 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1470
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1470  34 votes 467f2 18799 4a497 24ba7 1aa94 d6555 25db3 0479e 16i81 ab940
1470  3.1 mean  3.1   3.5   3.1   3.5   3.1   2.5   3.2   4.0   3.1   2.2


1470-01    (467f2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will my ex-girlfriend and I get together again in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most definitely.
} The little paper strip showed a plus sign.
}
} You owe the Oracle a frog.


1470-02    (18799 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most oracular, sage most sagacious, knower of the unknown,
> seer of the unseen,
>
> Why is a raven like a writing desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thoroughly sick of being asked this question, Lewis Carroll tossed off
} this answer: Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very
} flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front! (If you think
} 'nevar' is a misspelling, look a little harder.) However, as he had
} not intended an answer for the riddle, this was just to get people to
} shut up so he could get back to stalking the primary school playground.
}
} Others have given all sorts of silly answers, like: "Poe wrote on
} both." "Because there is a B in both and an N in neither." "Because
} the notes for which they are noted are not noted for being musical
} notes." These are very ridiculous answers from obviously unstable
} people. Therefore, you might appreciate them.
}
} The truth is that ravens and writing desks have many things in common.
} They both contain carbon. Neither of them have swum the English
} Channel. Neither have won a spelling bee. Neither have even *entered*
} a spelling wasp. Both have refused to ever vote Republican. Both are
} things that Loki likes to turn into during parties.
}
} Of course, the best course would be to ask the Mad Hatter, since he
} posed the riddle. As everyone knows, however, he didn't have a clue.
} So who in Wonderland would have a clue? No one but the Caterpillar or
} the Cheshire Cat, naturally. There are, of course, troubles with
} asking either of them, proven by what happened when they WERE asked:
}
} Caterpillar: Hmm. The answer is obvious if you know the words.
} You: Pardon?
} Caterpillar: Do you know the words?
} You: Uh... I would say so.
} Caterpillar: [takes a big puff from his hookah] I would say not.
} You: Okay...
} Caterpillar: [taps hookah on his chin, or where his chin would be if
}   he were not a caterpillar] A raven may be a bird, as you know, but it
}   may also be a flower.
} You: Wow. I see.
} Caterpillar: Do you see?
} You: I think so. And a writing desk?
} Caterpillar: That is an aquatic creature with one arm and a clock for
}   a head.
} You: So... how is this flower like a... that aquatic thing?
} Caterpillar: I don't know. Want a hit?
} You: Um. No thanks.
}
} No luck there, so we try the Cheshire Cat.
}
} Cheshire Cat: That is a serious question.
} You: Is it? I thought it was a riddle.
} Cheshire Cat: A riddle can be very serious and this one is rather dire.
} You: Really?
} Cheshire Cat: Oh yes.
} You: So what does it mean?
} Cheshire Cat: What do you want it to mean?
} You: I hadn't thought about it.
} Cheshire Cat: It would seem to me that you haven't thought at all.
} You: Hey, you're rude.
} Cheshire Cat: [slowly disappears] I'm a cat.
} You: Wait!
} Cheshire Cat: [reappears quickly] Yes?
} You: Do you know the answer?
} Cheshire Cat: [claws the branch he's on] The answer to what?
} You: [sighs] To the riddle?
} Cheshire Cat: What riddle?
} You: How is a raven like a writing desk?
} Cheshire Cat: Oh yes.
} You: So what is it?
} Cheshire Cat: What is what?
} You: Never mind.
} Cheshire Cat: You wouldn't happen to have some catnip, would you?
}
} I hope that answers your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle some clams and a bottle of cocktail sauce.


1470-03    (4a497 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle ...
>
> I like your Old Spice commercials.  Keep up the good work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello supplicant.  Look at your query, now look at me, now back at your
} query, now back to me.
}
} Sadly, it isn't a query.  But if your query stopped using a ladies
} scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, it could ask me a real
} question.
}
} Look down, back up, where are you?  You are asking a question that is
} truly a question and not merely suck up to the Oracle.
}
} What's in your hand?  Back at me, I have it.  Its an oyster with two
} tickets to that thing that you love.  Look again, the tickets are now
} diamonds.  Anything is possible when your query smells like a man and
} not a lady, and actually poses a question for the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle some lavender scented bubble bath.


1470-04    (24ba7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I obtain blueprints for an operational time travel device?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple: All you need to do is promise yourself that when you obtain
} such a device, you will place the blueprints in your sock drawer. Go
} check your sock drawer afterwards, and the blueprints should be there.


1470-05    (1aa94 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I Receive my Box of toys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will Receive your Box of toys just as soon as you provide the
} Oracle with your bank account number, sort code, PIN, date of birth,
} mothers maiden name and the name of your first pet to assist the Oracle
} with the transfer.
}
} The Oracle looks forward to receiving your details.
}
} You do not owe the Oracle anything on this occasion.


1470-06    (d6555 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Invaders from the Plutonoid Galaxy want our women, but are repulsed by
> three quiet members of the Flippingburg Golf and Hamburger Association
> who invent a giant Pinkwater Avocado.
>
> If you don't need this plot for your own sf stories, then where should
> I sell it? I don't know how to get in touch with anyone in
> Schenectady, or even Skaneateles.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's my idea for a movie plot to mainstream necro:
}
} The lead character is a homicide detective with ESP that tells him
} who did it, but this can only be activated by his having sex with the
} victim. His name will be Mort Cox and the movie will be called
} 'The Dickromancer'.
}
} This is how the movie would open: the scene of a massacre: 10 people
} shot dead, lying on the floor. But the camera pans onto one live man
} having sex with one of the corpses. Uniformed police arrive and we
} expect the man to be apprehended, but instead one of the policeman
} casually inquires, "Hey Cox, how's the investigation going? Boy, I sure
} wish I had your job!" which will serve to introduce the concept.
}
} Later on we can have a comic scene in which a small child asks Cox
} to investigate the death of his dog.
}
} The climax occurs when both his mother and daughter are found murdered
} at an amusement park. Cox must decide on the spur of the moment whether
} or not to carry on the investigation with them there in front of DOZENS
} of onlookers, before the assailant is allowed to get too far.
}
} You owe the Oracle a horror movie about 'sunny side egg' vampires,
} complete with shots of yellow egg yolk dribbling down their chins, or
} mucous vampires, who suck the mucus out of the noses of beautiful women
} with colds, while they sleep.


1470-07    (25db3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ultimately entomological Oracle, please enlighten me:
>
> How do monarch butterflies find their way from Canada to Mexico
> when they have never been there and their parents have never
> been there and their grandparents have never been there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The monarch butterfly responds naturally to the pull of a monarchy.
} This force can be used to pull or to repulse, and is expressed and
} communicated in subatomic particles known as kingons (not to be
} confused with Klingons, who are repulsive in an entirely different
} manner). The kingons interact with finely tuned receptors on the
} monarch butterfly wing, and the butterfly reacts accordingly. In the
} Middle East, for instance, the kingon-wing interaction produces an
} irresistible force that pulls the butterfly towards the absolute
} monarchy of Saudi Arabia.
}
} Canada, being a commonwealth realm, is a monarchy in name only, and is
} therefore naturally repulsive to the sensibilities of the monarch
} butterfly, which prefers non-monarchies to countries that only pretend
} to be one. The butterflies therefore do not "find their way" to Mexico
} so much as they are actively pushed out of Canada. Those who are pushed
} to the east or west die over the ocean for lack of a place to land;
} those who are pushed north freeze to death. Natural selection therefore
} determines that more butterflies in each succeeding generation move
} south.
}
} In short, they're not flying to Mexico deliberately. They just don't
} want to stop in the United States because its tacos are second-rate.


1470-08    (0479e dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle tell me this,
>
> If you are so wise, why do you need a day or two to ponder on
> questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is so wise _because_ it takes time to think before it
} speaks.
}
} Which, in this world, is quite unusual.


1470-09    (16i81 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will someone close to me fantasize about me soon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes they will. Unfortunately it's not a pleasant fantasy. You really
} really don't want to know what they'll be thinking, though I have to
} admit it's a highly creative use for all those grapefruit and
} hyacinths. Next time - when you borrow their car, make sure to give it
} back intact and without all those dents in the bodywork. I recommend
} apologising and then running for your life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fruit salad and a steering wheel


1470-10    (ab940 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Based on your reccominductions I have just re-inventolated the
> Orophone. It works better now, but I'm getting horrid belching noises.
> What have you been eating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Whettson -- kemear -- I knead yew"
}
} Ah deh gran daze of iinvendirs
} Be fordadaze uv spelchik
}
} "Whot sun ko mere aye kneedju"
}
} Enspoorashon iz ninedynyn pur spur ayshin
}
} Er sumpinlykdat. Eddy sun u rab skalyin. Steelin olla Tezlaz werk
}
} Meester grambell mekkin duh furst tellafonesexmacheen
}
} Widni cotinjin. Phord oto mashin
}
} Welgum tooda whirlda venshin n vendors
}
} Soyusayu gota orafone indawerxanit smelzfuni
}
} I thinkiz cuzu holdinit atta rong end
}
} U oda Orkle a handeewype


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