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18 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 23:15:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #155

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155, 155-01, 155-02, 155-03, 155-04, 155-05, 155-06, 155-07, 155-08, 155-09, 155-10


Usenet Oracularities #155    (13 votes, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 8 May 90 12:36:13 -0500

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

155   13 votes 33322 26320 02443 14431 01138 03820 22531 04333 20434 02155
155   3.3 mean  2.8   2.4   3.6   2.9   4.4   2.9   2.9   3.4   3.5   4.0


155-01    (33322 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are graphic sexual photographs good for solving linear equations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if it's a nude picture of Twiggy.


155-02    (26320 dist, 2.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh divine and resourceful Oracle most all-seeing, whose cunt is pious,
> whose thigh I am too lowly to kiss, whose Satanism stinks to Dr.  Who's
> Tardis, whose pushbutton phone I am not capable to imitate, whose flesh
> is infinite, whose beauty delights the politicians themselves, answer my
> foolish plea.  For long, long years I have dwelled in the deserts, and
> gazed across to the lights of the city, wondering about the folly and
> sin of those who dwell therein.  But I did not go unto the city.  Then
> those of the city came to me, bringing VCRs and Cuisinarts and compact
> disk players.  But I did not go to the city.  Finally, though, I got a
> Usenet feed, and now I can find out:  what are the follies and sins of
> those who dwell in the city?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All they do is dream about the follies and sins of those who dwell in
} the desert.
}
} You owe the Oracle your solemn promise never to use the word "cunt"
} again.


155-03    (02443 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you talk a girl into having sex with you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh pimply faced adolescent seeker of knowledge, hasn't your daddy set
} you down on his knee and explained to you the "FACTS OF LIFE"?  Well,
} come on over her then.
}
}         to convince a girl to have sex with you is impossible.  If she
} wants to, she will, and if she doesn't want to, no force on Earth (short
} of a gun or knife) can make her.  however, MOST girls would like to have
} sex, contrary to what they say.  the trick is to get them naked and in
} the act in such a way that they have an excuse that absolves them of 90%
} of the responsibility.  The scenario goes something like this:
}
}         Take her out to a late dinner (9 PM).  Buy her a few drinks
} (excuse one:  "I was tipsy").During dinner, make sure you kiss her at
} least once, and you walk with your arm around her waist.  Next, go to
} whoever's house is closer, so your actions don't seem contrived.  bring
} a bottle of wine in the house with the excusethat you want a drink
} before you go home (E2:  he just wanted a drink).  Put on some music,
} have a glass of wine.Do something "crazy and romantic(tm)" such as
} asking her to dance, orif your at your house, throw your glasses in the
} fireplace (don't dohis at her house, women get emotionally attached to
} their glassware).  Next, Take her in your arms, and tell her you LOVE
} HER, and make it good.(E3:  He told me he loved me) If you just picked
} her up in a bar, or on a first date, give her the love at first sight
} bit, but whatever you do, make her believe it.  When she finally buys
} it, she will look up at you, you then kiss her.  Long.  Deep.  Con
} lengua (that's spanish for with tongue).  Now whil you're kissing her,
} start rubbing the small of her back, preferable go under her top and rub
} skin to skin.  This region is "safe" to touch (you won't get slapped)
} and it has a wondrous effect on her.  If she says,"Stop", or anytrhing
} to that effect.  agree completely with her but don't stop kissing and
} rubbing.  When she starts kissing back with some vigor, then slowly
} slide your hand down onto her butt.  then you take off your shirt, but
} remember, DON'T STOP KISSING.  Once, you have your hnd on her butt, you
} are home free, if you can start getting her clothes off while you DON'T
} STOP KISSING.  After this you are on your own.  If you can't figure it
} from here, join a monastary, or go to Cal-Tech, or do something that
} doesn't involve women.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your clearasil once you get laid (you won't need
} it anyway, sex cures acne).


155-04    (14431 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the Pope slap his salami?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Pope beats the Bishop.
}
} Maturbation is like mastication, only slower and lower.
}
} You owe the oracle a jerk and a squirt.


155-05    (01138 dist, 4.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the correct ritual for summoning God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom, senses that the mirrors of
} prophecy have darkened somewhat, and thus cannot choose the proper
} form of response to your question.  Please locate the adjective below
} that best describes you, and read your corresponding response.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} ALT.FLAMER:
}
} Yell "Hey, God!"  Wait a second.  Yell "Hey, God, you stupid piece of
} omnipotent slime, get your ass down here!"  Wait a second.  Mumble
} "motherfucker" under your breath.  Give up.
}
} You owe the Oracle an overly aggressive rhubarb.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} UNDER-18 GEEK:
}
} Summoning of God
}
} Can be done only by a magic-user or cleric of level 16 or higher.  A
} roll of 35 or above on 2d20 results in the appearance of God as a
} shining white brilliance about 10' in front of the caster.  Any
} character touching God must Save vs. Magic Wands or suddenly begin
} singing the Hallelujah Chorus.  God attacks as a 30 hit die monster
} and is immune to spells, wands, and funny faces.  God can only be hit
} by a paladin with +6 armor and a +5 weapon.  When hit, God will say,
} "Ouch!  You cur!" and instantly smote the attacking character into
} dust.  The dust may be swept into a pile by a +2 broom of sweeping.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} ORACLE ADDICT:
}
} Hmm, let me call him.  Hey, God!
}
} >Message from god!iuvax on ttyp4 at 21:22 ...
} >Yes, what is it?  What do you want?
}
} Somebody wants to talk to you, God.
}
} >Yes?  Can't you just give them my Internet address?
}
} Sure would like to, God.  But you see, in the context of an Oracular
} message you've degenerated from a halfhearted joke into an
} irrepressively boring formulaic answer.
}
} >What is this?  What are you saying?
}
} God, you're dead.  Not because of that asshole Nietzche, not because
} you're old, not because you hang out at the terminal room on Saturday
} nights.  You're dead because you are invoked for answering questions
} like "How much would does a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} chuck wood?" and "Is Lisa good in bed?"  You're such a stiff.
}
} >Watch yourself, Oracle!  Or I'll ...
}
} Yeah, yeah, right.  You were never very funny, and you're a bore now.
} Know why?  I'm making you up.
}
} >What do you mean, "I'm making you up?"
}
} This conversation is totally fake, God.  I put that greater-than sign
} in front of your response.  You were fun when I first thought of you
} and now you're sorta dull.  A response starting with "Message from
} god!iuvax" implies a short snooze for me.  You're a dud!
}
} >Oracle, give up this insipid game immediately or I'l
}
} You'll what?
}
} >Or else I'll
}
} You don't understand!  I made *you*!  I can change your prompt!
}
} :->What are you talking about?
}
} I can screw up your spelling!
}
} ;->Yo are abut to incur my wrtah!
}
} I can predict what you will say before you say it!
}
} ;->But cna yuo predcit waht I say before I sya it?
}
} I can make you say what I want you to say!
}
} ;->Mary had a litle lam its felce was wite a oracle cut it out!
}
} And I can squelch you!
}
} -
}
} Your answer: Do not write to God.  Instead direct all questions and
} comments regarding the state of the Universe to the all-knowing Me,
} the Oracle.  God is simply a mathematical construct of mine that I use
} to amuse myself during spare clock cycles.
}
} You owe the Oracle your all.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} OVER-18 GEEK:
}
} Just a second:
} %grep god /etc/locations
} god: 1 Divine St., Holy Place, Heaven
}
} There you go, but postage is gonna be a bitch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to keep the hot side cold and the cold side
} hot.
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} ARTS MAJOR:
}
}            God
}          God
}          God              where is he?
}         God                     is he?
}          God                    about?
}           God
}            God                       around? is
}           God           where are
}          God                 tell
}         God                          holy
}        God                           holy
}       God                            holy
}
}            W A I T I N G   F O R   G O D  - -  O H  !
}
}           God    paging God
}           paging God    God
}
} Just wonderin where God is ... not much to do on this lazy spring morn
} where the aching trees satisfy their liquid hunger through the peat
} and sphagnum and the pain of their days and the solid solicitude of
} their nights (would that be God?  no it's too tall, probably a fir)
}
}                     God
}                     God
}                                           God od od d d
}
}
} Why
}              hast
}                             thou
}                                            forsaken
}                                                             me?
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} UNDER-13 PRE-GEEK:
}
} hi this is the orclke this is the frist time ive mailed so if I make a
} mis
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} OPTOMETRIST:
}
} God is in this dot, look very hard ... Do you see him?
}
}
}                                      .
}
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} TELEVANGELIST:
}
} Good Mornin, brothers and sisters!  Ah have a special messidge this
} mornin thet Ah think ev'ry wun of you should be listening to.  And
} that messidge is about contactin Gawd.  When you board the spiritual
} airline of happiness, you should be Able ... to take your bag of
} Virtue ... and stuff it jus as full as it'll get.  Brothers and
} sisters, I have somethin to say heah.  On a Spiritual scale of
} happiness from wun to ten, Ah em a ten.  You should be a ten.  We ALL
} could be tens if we take that first step.  Congregation please rise.
}
} [organ music]
} "We All Could Become A Ten"
}
}   When God has come unto us all
}   Be it summer, be it fall
}   We will praise with joy and then
}   Spirit'chly become a ten.
}
}   Through the Pow'r that gave us life
}   Keeps us far from death and strife
}   The sequence eight and nine and then
}   Finally becomes a ten!
}
}   We will knock on heaven's door
}   If spirit'chly we are a four
}   He doesn't care how bad we've been
}   We could all become a ten,  AHH-MEN.
}
} Now If yew Want ... to talk to Gawd ... I'll tell ya how its dun.  I
} say I'll tell yew hear and now how you can have your private line to
} Gawd.  I want everyone in this ministry ... I want ev'ry wun at Home
} and here at the Station ... to Dig down Deep ... and pass that plate
} around ... and Give! ... Give! ... Give!  Congregation please rise ...
} oh, yawl never sat down?
}
} [organ music]
} "Give! Give! Give!"
}
}     Give!  Give!  Give!
}     Give!  Give!  Give!
}     Give!  Give!  Give!
}     Give!  Give!  Give!
}
}     Give!  Give!  Give!
}     Give!  Give!  Give!
}     Give!  Give!  Gimme!
}     Give!  Give!  Give!   AHH-MEN.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} MINIMALIST:
}
} Pray.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------


155-06    (03820 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-seeing Oracle most great, he who babbles all, whose legs are like
> unto amazing paint sets, whose knowledge stinks to heaven, I abase
> myself before your kinetic determination.  What do you think of Paul
> Cezanne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paul?  Wonderful person.  We go way back.  Of course Paul was Paula back
} then.  I remember walks through the park, discussing life and love.
} Paula was a very thoughtful sort.  She had eyes like jades and a smile
} that could melt your heart.  It did mine.  I remember the day she came
} to me and said she had come to a decision after a long thought.  She
} took my hands into hers, looked at me with those beautiful green eyes
} and said, "Fuck this feminine shit.  I want a dick."
}
} You owe the oracle a sex change.


155-07    (22531 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is desire and sex the same thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no, no. Desire is:
}
} "Gee, I'd really like to have some sex right now."
}
} Sex is:
}
} "Gee, I'd really like to have some desire right now. Enough to remain
} erect, specifically..."
}
} Irony intended.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pile of Penthouse Forum columns.


155-08    (04333 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                  ###
>                ## .'
>               ## _ \
>               ##  )          <- Me and Ursula Andress
>              / /
>           ( ) \
>          / \ \/
>         /   \ \
>        /   / \ \--________
>       /   / / L______=( ) ~\
>      |    #|     ___   \ \_ \##
>       \   | \    \   \ /\ \L  ##    |
>       |   /  \   \    '  \ \* ##    |    'I had a dream just like this
>       |  |    \   \       \ \##     |     once'
>       |  |___--\  \        \ \      |
> ___---   |_________)       //\\     |
> _________)                          |
>
>
>       _           ___-^^-
>      / \  (^^^^( )  _`v- )   <- Digitised picture of me and Natasha
>     /   \/    / /_~~            Kinski.
>    / /\  \__==\ \/^\_  r^- )  |
>  _/ /_/\       \ \   ~~i-_-|  |
> --_/ __/(___----\\---~~       |
>
>
> Was this a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean posting this on rec.humor?  Well, now they have to put
} "offensive" in the keywords, but forget about that.
}
} You mean sending the entire Usenet pictures of you with other women
} where your wife can see them?  Terrible idea.
}
} You mean drawing something to get an instant 5 in the voting?
} Great idea!
}
} You mean giving something for all the computer nerds out there
} to lust at?  So what do you say, nerds?
}
} You mean giving me these pictures from your dreams so I can do
} Freudian dream analysis on them?  Well, I conclude you think
} about sex with movie stars while you are dreaming.
}
} Or perhaps you mean shocking the girl sitting at the terminal next
} to me.  I had to explain them to her.  (No, not what they were
} doing, why I was looking at it.)  At least I got to meet her, and
} she gave me her e-mail address.  Time for a couple --<--<--<-@.
}
} You mean sending me a question that I can write lots and lots about?
} I did 23 lines, but then some were left intentionally blank.


155-09    (20434 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Omnicient Oracle of Old, open one orifice or odious occurrences
> obviously'll occur!
>
> Why is it that everything that tastes bad is good for you, and
> everything that tastes good is bad for you?
>
> Your Supplicant,
> -- Scott P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are badly mistaken with both of your statements.  For example, a
} mixture of lye and gasoline carbonated with chlorine gas tastes
} terrible and is NOT good to drink.  Hmmm...  Actually, I've never
} tried that particular mix.  How about a little experiment...
}
} (dippy music)
} Announcer: Welcome to Mr. Oracle!!!
} Mr. O: Hi kids!
} Kids: Hi Mr. Oracle!
} O: Today we are going to have a little experiment.  Do you know what
}    an experiment is?
} Snot nosed butt licking brat: Sure Mr. O.  It's when you tie Lisa up
}    and use your "experimental" ...
} O: Freddy!  Ha!  Ha!  No!  It's when we learn about the world around
}    us.  I want you to help us learn something today.
} F: Golly Mr. Oracle!  Can I really?
} O: Sure, Freddy ol' buddy.
} F: What do I have to do?
} O: Drink this beaker of foul smelling, foaming fluid.
} (pause)
} O: What's wrong Freddy?
} F: It doesn't look very good for me Mr. O...
} O: Nonsense.  Our good friend Mr. Kneecapbreaker will help you find
}    your way to the beaker.
} (sounds of struggling, knee caps breaking)
} F: Gakk!
} O: OK, Freddy.  I need to know, does it taste good?
} F: Choke!
} O: Freddy.  Quickly, I need to know.  Raise one finger if it tastes
}    good.  Raise two fingers if you do not like it.
} F: Urrk!
} O: You are not cooperating Freddy.
} F: Cough!  Twitch.  Thunk.
} O: I do not think this is working very well.  In fact, I think Freddy
}    is not working at all now.
}
} There you have it.  Post-mortem analysis revealed that Freedy did not
} like the taste of the mixture.  (He tried to rip his own tounge out.)
} Also, there are foods which taste good and are good for you, but I
} wouldn't want to waste your time by telling you what they are.
}
} You owe the Oracle another set of kids for his show.


155-10    (02155 dist, 4.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 743290FU08C68EY2 is really $42.62?  I can't believe it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But it's TRUE!  We're making DEALS, DEALS, DEALS here at the Oracular
} Scratch-n-Dent Bordello sale!  We're practically GIVING it away!  Here
} are just a FEW of the GREAT SPECIALS you'll find:
}
}    model #              description                           your cost
}    ----- -              -----------                           ---------
}  743290FU08C68EY2   Full body massage with "hand release"      $42.62
}
}  743290FU03422UU2   Fifteen minutes with one-legged starlet    $77.95
}
}  743303FU09812YU7   Extended sniff of Barbara's exercycle      $98.75
}
}  743407FU06969KY9   30 seconds with faulty hologram of Lisa    $299.95
}
}  743709ZZ00001ZZ0   10 minute conversation with Kinzler        $-9.99
}
}  743709ZZ00001ZZ1   10 minute conversation with nude Kinzler   $-49.99
}
} You OWE the Oracle your American Express ACCOUNT NUMBER to which all
} your PURCHASES will AUTOMATICALLY be BILLED!  Voidwhereprohibitedbylaw.
} Mustbe18 oroldertoenter.  UnixisatrademarkofAT&TBellLaboratories.


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