} Are you kidding? Why, the thesaurus is one of the most useful items
} you will ever own! Besides the obvious physical uses (such as
} propping up computer tables with wobbly legs and the like), a
} thesaurus has virtually unlimited possibilities:
} * Dealing with parents - A continuous refrain of "Dad, I need more
} money 'cause I'm broke" wears thin on even the most loving of
} parental ears after a while. With just a little flipping through
} the pages of your trusty thesaurus, your begging will sound like
} IBM's annual report. "Dad, I am experiencing a balance shortfall
} due to unforeseen second-quarter operating expenses. Further
} infusion of venture capital is required to continue funding of
} ongoing projects at their present level." Assuming your father
} isn't a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, you'll get the money you
} need for that party at the Phi Sig house right away! They'll
} believe that you must be learning SOMEthing at that college....
} * Dealing with bureaucrats - Ever get frustrated when those pesky
} jerks at major service organizations (government agencies, banks,
} universities, department store customer-service departments, and
} the local video rental shop) spew forth streams of gibberish at
} your tender eardrums? Well, with the aid of your trusty thesaurus,
} you can baffle 'em right back! "There was an unplanned causal
} intervention approximately a fortnight ago, so I was sadly forced
} to defer the expediting of the necessary papers to your department."
} (Translation: "Two weeks ago my tire blew, so that's why I haven't
} given you your stupid forms yet.") At the very least, you'll be
} able to curse these devotees of rules and regulations in new and
} exciting ways.
} * Dealing with the fairer sex - Now HERE'S a use of the thesaurus that
} we can all empathize with...don't just rely on "You look great
} today!" or something like that. Instead, flip through your trusty
} thesaurus and say, "Darling, you look absolutely splendiferous this
} afternoon. Your new lace-edged tie-dyed T-shirt and Lycra miniskirt
} look simply luscious!" Women who hear this begin to entertain the
} notion that you are a man of intelligence and sensitivity, and one
} with a sense of language that never sleeps. They will, in short,
} want to bear your children--or, at the very least, engage in hours
} of nonstop copulation. And the thesaurus can help even in those
} areas; why settle for "You were great, Baby!" when you can say
} "Madame, your performance was extraordinarily skillful and
} masterfully executed; you are quite clearly an artiste
} Perhaps the Oracle has made his point. There are many, many possible
} uses for a thesaurus; while it may be obfuscatory, and certainly
} rather cloying in its descriptivity, it is nevertheless quite clearly
} a very powerful and versatile tool.
} For more information, please send for my new guide, "1001 Uses for The
} Thesaurus You Were Going To Pitch Into The Trash Right After You
} Graduated From High School," by the Usenet Oracle. 270 pages of
} fact-filled ideas, all for only $9.95.
} [LAWYER'S NOTES: Offer void where prohibited by law. Program is
} licensed, not sold. Provided "as is," without any warranty or
} guarantee. Some restrictions apply. An Equal Opportunity Employer.
} Call for further details. Limited to one per household. Plus tax and
} license; prices may vary. Member FDIC. If rash develops, discontinue
} use. Close cover before striking. You must be 18 or older to play.
} UNIX is a trademark of AT&T Bell Laboratories. Simulated picture.
} Available only in USA, APO's, and FPO's. All rights reserved. May
} not be rebroadcast without express permission of Major League
} Baseball. Yak yak yak. Blab blab blab.]
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Roget's II."