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24 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:49:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #175

Goto:
175, 175-01, 175-02, 175-03, 175-04, 175-05, 175-06, 175-07, 175-08, 175-09, 175-10


Usenet Oracularities #175    (6 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 1 Jul 90 19:00:42 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

175    6 votes 01122 10131 02202 03111 11301 12111 23100 03012 01221 00033
175   3.2 mean  3.8   3.5   3.3   3.0   2.8   2.8   1.8   3.3   3.5   4.5


175-01    (01122 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I fuck a duck
> A duck I fuck
> Will fuck of duck
> Bring me good luck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid not.
}
} You see, the hardcopy of your question blew out of the window yesterday
} (I've got a bit of a backlog at the moment), and when I arrived at my
} office this morning, I found the following people waiting for me:
}
} 1. A very agitated Moral Majority member, who wanted to know what this
}    FILTH was doing on the net, and who was going to PROTECT the
}    INNOCENT, PURE young people of this GREAT NATION from this PERVERTED,
}    SATANIST, LIBERAL TRASH. Obviously, he was going to call several
}    congressmen and demand that the Usenet be immediately PURGED and
}    placed under censorship.
}
} 2. Two even more agitated members of the society for prevention of
}    cruelty to animals, who wanted to know what could be done to protect
}    these poor birds from this bestial behaviour,  and who wanted your
}    address so they could castrate you and flay you alive ("No punishment
}    is too harsh for those degraded people who torment poor innocent
}    animals just for their own perverted pleasure")
}
} 3. Three police officers with a search warrant. (Did you know what you
}    did is a criminal offence in at least 38 states? Amazing. Where you
}    live, the maximum penalty is apparently 20 years imprisonment)
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.
} The Oracle wishes you good luck. You'll probably need it.


175-02    (10131 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there, Oracle, sir!  When will the Space Pirates raid Atlantis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  Obviously a worthwhile question.  It will require some pondering.
} While you are waiting, I shall pipe in a real-time conversation for your
} eavesdropping pleasure.
}
} > So, like, what are you doing tonight?
} > Well, you know, I've got this really big date with that hunk from
} > geography class.
} > That GEEK?  He must be the only person who passed that last test.
} > Omigod.  Like how am *I* supposed to know those stupid capitals that
} > no-one ever visits, like, lam, lind, limberger, right?
} > London.
} > Well, I was close.  Jeez, you'd think that it was like George Bush,
} > the education president, was in the class watching us or something.
} > I don't care.  I'm in love.
} > Yeah, well you would be at a time like this.  I'm just starting to
} > get noticed by the guy of my dreams, and all you can talk about is
} > your been-every-where geek.  You call him interesting?  Mine has long,
} > flowing hair.
} > He has lice.
} > And he wears a lot of leather.
} > One day it will beso hot, you'll hug him and you won't be able to let
} > go.
} > And he has his own motorcycle.
} > No, it's a motorSCOOTER.  I have one of those too, big deal.
} > Oh, and I suppose your geek has his own private plane so that he can
} > go to all those places like Spam.
} > That's Spain.
} > Whatever.
} > Well fine, you just keep on seeing him, and the day you melt into his
} > leather don't come scooting back too me saying you're sorry.  I don't
} > need another guilt trip, you know.  I already have my mom, my dad, my
} > step-mom, and my step-dad and my little brother.  I don't need a guilt
} > trip from my ex-best friend too.
} > Well, fine.  I hope I never see you on the Internet again, or else
} > I'll send worms to your screen.
} > You wouldn't.
} > Uh huh.  And I'll start wrapping that dumb operator around my pinky,
} > and get him to kill all of your processes.  You'd never get a single
} > thing done on this machine ever.
} > Fine.  I hope I never see you again.
} > Good.
} > Oh and by the way, you just reminded me that we need garbage bags and
} > dirt for the phicus.  Don't forget.
} > [Connection closed.  Exiting.]
}
} Well, wasn't that fun!  Right on time.  I have the answer.  "When pigs
} fly." Using darwin's thoeries of evolution and the mathematical models
} only I could have created, it should be in about 50 years, 3 months, 14
} days.  Give or take 5 months, the gestation period for the flying pig.
}
} You owe the oracle a detailed map of the world, in Chinese, to be
} delivered by the cutest guy in your class riding a flying pig.


175-03    (02202 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so whatever happened to the little boy who used to say "strawberries" on
> the old Breyers ice cream ads?  is he dead yet or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He died of eating strawberries and drinking milk at the same time in
} 1986, and from being stabbed by a mugger in Central Park while he was
} walking his little poodle Muffin in 1987.
}
} In 1988, he was:
}   - killed by a meteor while visiting his dying aunt in San Jose,
}   - strangled by a tequila-crazed Mexican electrical engineer in San
}     Antonio, and
}   - bludgeoned to death when the butler at his family's estate mistook
}     him for a sixty-foot-tall invading slime monster from Mars.
}
} 1989 was a particularly bad year.
}   - He died of AIDS which he contracted from a piece of fan mail;
}   - He died of cancer which he contracted from a television commercial
}     advertising tobacco, which is a known carcinogen.
}   - He died of a broken leg.  This could have been prevented.  He
}     dismissed it as just a simple cold and did not see the doctor until
}     it was *too* *fucking* *late*.
}   - He mistakenly drank the bowl of hydrocyanic acid that his mother had
}     set out to poison the cockroaches;
}   - He was swimming in his family's pool in Kennebunkport, and a slimy
}     green tentacle reached up from the drain and pulled him down, to the
}     terrified screams of his little sister, just before she was eaten by
}     his little poodle Muffin.
}   - He was kidnapped by Iranian Quaker fundamentalists, who nailed him
}     to a wall in a mosque and fed him only bean sprouts and tofu.  They
}     haven't killed him yet, though they say they won't release him until
}     he gains two hundred and fifty pounds and grows a long beard.
}   - He was also fed some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups containing tarantula
}     eggs, which hatched in his throat as he was eating them, and then
}     they ate him up from the inside.
}   - The cook at the local Denny's restaurant thought he was a potato and
}     made him into some delicious, just-like-home hash browns (though
}     there is a good deal of suspicion that the cook was on orders from
}     higher-ups at Denny's to eliminate him -- but there has been NO
}     Federal investigation of the matter.  We suspect a cover-up.
}     Senator DeNounies has strong connections to the Denny's chain.)
}
} So far, 1990 isn't shaping up to be much better:
}   - He died of Tortellini's Syndrome, a rare disorder of the hair and
}     fingernails which is invariable fatal, which he contracted from
}     eating un-thermoclined apples.
}   - He died of a toothache.  This, too, could have been prevented.  It
}     was the doctor's mistake.  The doctor confused it with Linguini's
}     Syndrome, a rare disorder of the ovaries and vagina which is
}     lark's tongues.  The toothache invariably aphrodisiac, a disease
}     which is contracted from eating was not treated until far too late,
}     and he died in agony on the dentist's chair.
}   - He was eaten by dragons, because he stuck his head out from under
}     the sheets when he *knew* that there were hungry, man-eating dragons
}     under his bed.
}   - He was struck by a De-Pulmonizer beam from an orbiting Glortron
}     Death Saucer, which reduced him to a pool of amorphous slime barely
}     able to ooze around under his own power.  His parents then mistook
}     him for a shoggoth, and threw him into the fireplace.
}   - Muffin was bitten by a rabid squirrel, and in turn bit him when he
}     went to cuddle the cute little animal.  He died of rabies, tetanus,
}     and polio the next day.
}
} (Hint:  do not, under any circumstances, allow your children to perform
} in commercials.  It is far, far too dangerous.)
}
} The Oracle has thought like Edward Gorey and Gary Larson.  You owe the
} Oracle a date with a bisexual woman with long red hair, who wants to get
} involved in a FFM trio.


175-04    (03111 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How tall was Wm. Shakespeare?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mere moment's pondering of thy question was
} all requisite to see  it to be without  relevance.
} Is a man's measure to be reckoned in inches and feet,
} leaving naught but numbers to speak of his stature?
} Were it to say he is taller than an oak,
} would that suffice? Or 'twere that he were shorter than
} Lisa's cur, who oft crawls through the tiny passages
} 'neath this domicile, would that reduce the greatness of
} him? Of what possible import could such an enumeration bear?
} Get thee to a life, scoundrel! My time shall be wasted no
} more upon thy impertinent request.
}
} Thou owest the Oracle complete blueprint of the Globe Theatre.


175-05    (11301 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i repell all the horndog freshman cs user geek boys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Smear your face with slimy goo,
} Shave your head, your eyebrows too,
} Have your arms and legs removed,
} And they will be repelled.
}
} Have your teeth pulled from your face
} And made into a neck-a-lace,
} And wear it with no style or grace,
} And they will be repelled.
}
} Eat three cans of garlic beans,
} Add some salt pork, extra lean,
} And vomit on the carpeting,
} And they will be repelled.
}
}
} Or, alternately, you could buy a can of "ORACLE (tm) Brand Horndog CS
} User Geek Boy Repellent Spray." But that's no challenge.


175-06    (12111 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if you were to spread tuna fish on a satan worshipper
> like DAn Regan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhhh...at long last a question which makes sense, for, haven't we all
} wondered what happens when seafood and evil deity worship are blended
} into one act.  Well, mortal, this shall prove to be a most satisfying
} quest for knowledge.
}
} You see, satan worshippers have an inherently higher surface temperature
} than the average human being, and therefore have trouble when swimming
} (they generate lots of fog), sleeping (have you ever tried to purchase
} asbestos sheets?), and eating (plastic tableware melts, metal heats up
} and burns the food, and Corning hasn't gotten around to designing safe
} glass flatware yet).  However, satan worship does have its good points,
} especially in the area of seafood rituals.
}
} Spreading tunafish on a satan worshipper has two results:
}
} 1) The satanist in question will transmogrify into an exact replica
}    of his patron demon.   Looking at the list here, is appears that
}    DAn Regan will becom a double for Al'Ahazmid'beggirmazar'immamin'-
}    rolmockinsheg'chchch'noddiframmitz'al'ahaxenzhir.  Alhaxenzhir
}    (as it prefers to be called in the company of us Immortals) appears
}    in the form of three conservative congressmen attached to the body
}    of Zsa-Zsa Gabor, except that they all have green, pus-covered sores
}    where their eyes should be, and long tongues instead of genitals,
}    plus the traditional horns, hooves, and forked tails that are _STILL_
}    in fashion in the Netherworld.  Luckily, Alhaxenzhir will just eat
}    the nearest ugly sofa, burp loudly (so much for your ceiling), and
}    then rape one of your cousins before returning DAn to his human
}    state.  Not too horrible, as patron demons go.
}
} 2) You will get a tuna-melt sandwich.
}
} So, depending, I suppose, on how much you really like your cousins
} Filbert and Matilda, and if you need to get rid of a couch or two,
} spreading tunafish on DAn Regan could be seen as a Smart Move[TM].
}
} You owe the Oracle a tuna-melt.


175-07    (23100 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know why Meech Lake failed, if you don't know what Meech
> Lake is then you show an extreme ignorance of your great neighbour to
> the North and I would recommend you read back issues of U.S.A.  Today
> for info.  Also, why is my dick shrinking?  Any relation to Meech Lake?
>                                 Signed
>                         The (Un)Honourable Prime Minister
>                                 Brian Mulrouney

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Meech Lake failed because it is utterly ludicrous to give a member
} of a confederacy special status.  Your dick is shrinking because
} that is what is going to happen to your country if you don't do your
} job.  Also, being omniscient I know everything.  It is presumptous
} for you to suggest otherwise.
}
} You owe the Oracle special constitutional status.


175-08    (03012 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, good buddy!  Why is it that Americans can't speak proper
> English?
>
> For instance, the other day I explained to a Texan friend that I'd been
> "severely pissed" the previous evening.  I, of course, meant that I'd
> had a pint or three of Guinness too many; but my transatlantic friend
> insisted on giving me a lecture on "self confidence building and anxiety
> control."
>
> Also have you ever tried asking for a rubber <eraser> in an American
> stationary shop?
>
> Yours,
>
> A confused British xenophobe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, of course, is that the British and the Americans do not
} speak the same language (a body of words and systems common to the
} people of the same community or nation).
}
} The danger is that they think they do.
}
} The Oracle trusts that your severe state of pissedness has righted
} itself.
}
} > Also have you ever tried asking for a rubber <eraser> in an American
} > stationary shop?
}   ^^^^^^^^^^
} Also, the Oracle must chastise you do referring to a shop which is
} unmoving and not describing the goods sold in it.  Perhaps you were
} referring to a stationery shop?


175-09    (01221 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and ambidextrous Oracle, whose body odor is the
> wonder of all universes:
>
> What is the reason God torments us with such plagues as Dan Quayle,
> peanut butter that sticks to the roof of ones mouth, UNIX, and
> toe cheese?
>
> Is there something we could do (or not do) that would save us from
> such suffering?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is but one thing we can do to ease our suffering:
}
}               +---------------------------------------------+
}               | Picture Dan Quayle hacking in UNIX, having  |
}               | mistaken toe cheese for peanut butter and   |
}               | trying to get it off the roof of his mouth. |
}               +---------------------------------------------+
}
} Ahhhhhh.  You owe the Oracle a cool drink.


175-10    (00033 dist, 4.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss if personality when
> exposed in any manner to a computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation...
}
} In the beginning there was a Computer.  And God said to the computer
} % vi creation.c
} He then wrote the universe, and compiled it and it was good.
} And God ran it in background, and saw that it was good.  He
} then noticed that the Universe was eating CPU time and tried
} to kill it, so that he could do his important work, which
} was to determine the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe
} and Everything.  The Operating System had a glitch and the
} Universe could not be kill -9'd.
}
} It came to pass that a lady friend of His wanted to visit
} with Him.  He snarled at her for the interuption.  Then Man,
} being made in His image, forever duplicated this when being
} interupted by women while he was working on a computer.
}
} That is why men react poorly when being interupted on the
} computer.  It is a Divine trait.
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code for the Universe.


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