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} OK. Here's the plan:
} 1. Start with a bang. That'll get her attention.
} 2. Discount your small problems, then list trying to overcome them as a
} strength.
} 3. Give her your large weaknesses, so that she begins to doubt you.
} 4. Smash her brain with cleverness and depthness she didn't even think
} you had.
}
} Here we go. Of course, these are only suggestions. The Oracle, in
} regulation with the Oracluar union, local 57, galaxy 31, takes no
} responsiblility for your life if you follow the advice given.
}
} Strengths:
} I'm great in bed.
} I am very powerful in the neighborhood and I can make every man within
} 50 miles bow down to you and succumb to your will.
} I can hypnotize people (yes of course these are lies. If they were
} true, you wouldn't have to go through this stupid review.)
} Every now and then I visit my friends in China. Last time I was there,
} I convinced them that Tiennamen Sqauare would be a great place for a
} really big party. I haven't been in a while because I can't get my visa
} cleared.
} I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Don't ask, you wouldn't like the
} answer. I know where you live.
}
} Okay. So far so good. She's smiling, 'cause she's a little scared of
} you know. This is the thing do do. You were scared before, remember?
} Remember how you hated it? That's what she's feeling now. Make her
} feel better with a few weaknesses.
}
} Weaknesses:
} I'm dyslexic
} I'm the 10th child in a family of 57, and my parents always hated me the
} most.
} I cheated my way through high school, so I need more money for GED
} classes. I'm married, but only because of the baby. When he grows up,
} I'll get a divorce.
} Sure I had that one suicide attempt, but I was very careful to do it on
} my break.
} I'm going through a transitional stage of my life, and my phsychiatrist
} says I'll only be a couple more months before I've recovered.
}
} She's feeling much better now, but also a little sorry. Go for tears.
} Mani- pulate the bitch as much as possible. Start laying it thick.
}
} I'm sorry about killing my co-worker, but he really needed a change of
} pace.
} I'm addicted to crack. If you'd like some, my stash is in the back of
} your top-left drawer.
} I gamble a lot, but I don't think the loan sharks know where I work.
}
} You might even think about putting some truths in this section. They're
} not any worse than the lies you're already telling. OK. Now give her
} something that she will love.
}
} I'll need some break time to go protest the government's use of
} non-biodegrad-able toilet paper which helps the ozone layer problem.
} Martin Luther King was my uncle. His brother was outcast from the
} family when he married a white girl, but he's just as good as Martin
} was, and has taught me a thing or two about non-violence and how to live
} peaceably with the other loving races of our world.
} I beat Gary Kasporov at chess, but he paid me a million East German
} Marks not to tell anybody. How did I know that Germany would unify?
} I used to visit the Norths in their station wagon, but then that whole
} thing with the Iran-Contra affair came up, and I haven't seen them
} since.
}
} Well, she should be so thouroughly impressed with you now, your boss
} will completely forget about all your other problems. And she won't
} even remember to check your references with the Norths or anybody,
} because she'll be embar- assed. So, your worries are over thanks to the
} all-knowing oracle. Good luck.
}
} You owe the oracle a cut of the profits when you take over your boss'
} job.
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