[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:15:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #19

Goto:
19, 19-01, 19-02, 19-03, 19-04, 19-05, 19-06, 19-07, 19-08, 19-09, 19-10


Usenet Oracularities #19
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Oct 89 20:53:49 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


19-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My, aren't you a the School of Hard Knocks graduate?  You fuming
> mega-quisling with the fist of a wage slave!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yeah?  Well, same to you but more of it!  I know you are, but what
} am I?  Nyeh.
}
} You owe the Oracle your women's lingerie collection.


19-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey:
>       You know, how when you call the bank, someone tells you the time
> and the temperature?  No matter when you call it's always the same guy.
> How does he do it?  How does he stay awake?  How does he know the
> correct temperature all the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the same guy for all the banks,too.  The International Banking
} Cartel kidnaps someone every few weeks, pumps him full of hypnotics and
} stimulatts, and makes him answer all the bank phones until he croaks.
} He's got this immense array of thermometers, one reaching each city of
} the USA.  Goddam amazing.


19-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Barbara Bush really George's wife, or is she his mother?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Barbara Bush is *really* Dan Quayle's mistress.  That's her only role in
} the Bush administration.  However, Bush needed a "wife" to persuade the
} U.S.  population that he was a human being rather than a rubber model
} (he is, in fact, a rubber model), and Barbara Bush had the same last
} name, and everyone would *assume* they were married.  But, she said that
} they had to make Dan Quayle the vice president, or she'd reveal the
} whole truth -- and they couldn't get rid of her easily.  Watch, though.
} She's unnecessary now, and she'll get offed pretty soon.
}
} You owe the oracle two high-seated administration sources.


19-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dorky oracle, do you want to have sex in the thornbushes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay.  Mail me at xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu with some more detailled
} information about yourself, and we can talk it over in more detail in
} the privacy of out own accounts.


19-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Internet so slow on my end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The internet is slow because millions of geeks, everywhere, are trying
} to find girlfriends using it.  Not very smart, but they're not the
} oracle.  I am.
}
} You owe the oracle one arrogance remover.


19-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you see in my future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In your future I see days and nights, breakfast, lunch, and dinner,
} making orgasmic love with a tall dark stranger on a bearskin rug in
} front of a fire, going for an AIDS test eight months later (negative),
} and a truly amazing number of chickens.


19-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I suddenly got single.  Why am I seeing double?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has found several things that could cause this:
}
} 1) Your ex has won possession of your glasses -- get a court order for
}    visiting rights.
}
} 2) Your ex has punched your lights out -- See an expert for
}    re-alignment.
}
} 3) You have gone cross-eyed scoping out potential SO's -- See an expert
}    for re-alignment.
}
} 4) You are still under the shock of no longer having and "other half"
}    and your brain has overcompensated.
}
} Most likely, however, you are inebriated.  A bottle/12 oz can makes a
} very agreeable partner, but I wouldn't recommend sleeping with one.  Or
} performing any other bedroom activities, for that matter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Fosters.


19-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey:
>       How big was John Holmes really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How big?  Just let me put it this way...  The Oracle knew John Holmes,
} and y you're NO John Holmes!


19-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much of a good thing is too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This depends on what the good thing is.
}
}   - Kissing: six hours.  Your lips get sore.
}   - chocolate cheesecake: 4.3 kg / 100 kg body weight
}   - elephants: 2
}   - enchiladas: 2x10^14
}   - Beethoven symphonies: 10.
}   - broken arms: 4 (at one time)
}   - polygons: 10,432 sides
}   - George Bush assassinations:  4.  (After being assassinated four
}     times, the Living Dead stuff will start to wear thin and the bullet
}     holes will drip corrosive green slime, and it'll be all over the
}     evening news.  Disgusting.)
}   - ducks: 3.
}   - cross-country airplane trips: 12/hour.


19-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is moot.
}
} The key phrase here is "IF a woodchuck...." Since woodchucks can't
} and never will be able to chuck wood (I have consulted my _Small and
} Furry Creatures Handbook_), this question is rhetorical and therefore
} needs no answer.
}
} I can however give you the answer to the question "How much wood could
} a Beaver chuck if a Beaver could chuck wood?"
}
} One day Wally came home from school early. "Wally!" shouted June
} Cleaver.  "Whatever are you doing home early from school?"
}
} "Gee, mom," replied Wally. "Miss Landers caught the Beave chucking wood
} and sent me home to tell you to come and get him."
}
} "Well, Wally, why didn't Miss Landers just call me on the phone?"
}
} "Well, mom, she would have, but he chucked the telephone pole on the
} corner and there's no phone service for this whole block!"
}
} June went to pick up the Beaver, when Ward got home from work he gave
} him the customary talk, and Beaver went to bed after taking a bath to
} get rid of all the wood chips in his hair. "June," asked Ward when
} the kids were safely asleep, "just how much wood DID the Beaver
} chuck anyway?"
}
} "Well, dear, he chucked half the desks in Miss Landers' classroom,
} the bleachers at the high school, and a telephone pole before he ran
} out of steam."
}
} "That's our Beaver!"
}
} You owe the oracle one number 2 pencil.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM Contact oracle-web@cs.indiana.edu