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25 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:41:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #193

Goto:
193, 193-01, 193-02, 193-03, 193-04, 193-05, 193-06, 193-07, 193-08, 193-09, 193-10


Usenet Oracularities #193    (9 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 31 Aug 90 19:36:10 -0500

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193    9 votes 12231 03402 11610 02421 22131 31032 22221 21321 01215 41211
193   3.0 mean  3.1   3.1   2.8   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.8   2.9   4.1   2.3


193-01    (12231 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Intrepid, randy Oracle, could you recite a juicy part from the
> suppressed Finnish saga "Heroes of the Sauna"?   Humble thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here we go, one "Heroes of the Sauna" coming up:
}
}       Finn the man was dirty and smelly
}       Smelled like a B.O. demon from Helle.
}       Said,"I gotta get clean, and I am gonna,
}       Do it in that nice hot steamy sauna."
}
}       He got in the sauna and did espy
}       A naked female sitting close by.
}       Said,"I came in to get clean, just me and my ducky,
}       but with a little luck <SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE>
}
}       SMUT ALERT SMUT ALERT SMUT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
}
}       THIS IS THE PMRC SMUT DETECTION SQUAD.  YOU ARE RECEIVING AN
} ILLEGAL SMUTTY TRANSMISSION FROM THE NET.ORACLE.  IT HAS BEEN
} INTERDICTED AND THE DATA CONTAINED THEREIN CONFISCATED.  YOU WILL BE
} CONTACTED BY THE NET.THOUGHT POLICE CONCERNING THIS TRANMISSION.  WE
} WILL HAVE MANY QUESTIONS.
}
}         this is a notice from the net.oracle.  my net.poetry.  server
} has been confiscated by the net.thought.police, pmrc division.  all
} poetry replies will be delayed indefinitely.  the net.oracle thanks you
} for your patience.
}
}         <Transmission ends>


193-02    (03402 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's Liquid Paper and Liquid Nails and Liquid Rubber and other such
> products.  Why not Liquid Girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The product "Liquid Girl", trademarked and rather secretly
} distributed by Beatrice Foods ("Beatrice -- we own you"), has been a
} very mysterious product for many years.  It is bottled in a 30-liter
} plastic unrecyclable bottle and is a red solution with a curved
} applicator (for hard to reach places).  It is a mass-production wonder;
} once applied from the bottle, the girl hardens within minutes and forms
} a definite epidermis and facial features.  In about half an hour, the
} girl is complete and ready to function.  The finished product is
} definitely a far cry from the ingredients, which the package lists as:
} Sugar, Spice, Nice things.
}
}     You are probably familiar with the monthly "menstrual cycle" of the
} girl.  It is, of course, not blood being ejected from the body at all,
} but rather some unformed liquid from the original application; that is,
} internal liquid which never hardened or was somehow loosened or
} reliquified.  The girl's frequent irrational behaviour while this
} happens is because her own embarrassing synthetic origin is being
} revealed.  Real girls will not be afflicted with this.
}
}     Naturally, "Liquid Boy" is another well-hidden product in this well-
} hidden product line.  This product has remained more secretive due to
} frequent complaints from animal rights activists regarding ingredients
} it uses, including snails and dehydrated puppy tails, and Beatrice has
} attempted to promote the vegetarian version over the meat version to
} appease the protesters.


193-03    (11610 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I lie awake but cannot move.  As a fly walks across the face of my
> retina, I suddenly remember, I was once a flying man-pig.  My thoughts
> blurr into a montage of thoughts:
>
>                 smiling nuns on horseback,
>                 jumper cables with only three clips,
>                 40lb bag of purina pig chow,
>                 pink paperclips,
>                 human feet,
>                 the doublemint twins mud wrestling,
>                 saturday afternoon hose-downs,
>                 a nice ass with a good and curled up tail.
>
> As the fly reaches the far side of my eye, my vision ends.
>
> What does this all mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, child, child, would that I could concoct an answer worthy of this.
} Well I bloody can't.  Actually, you were no flying man-pig but a female
} impersonator working under the stage name "Bogus Betty," specializing in
} heavy flirtation during your nightclub act.  But man-pig memories are
} more soothing, and the nuns and Doublemint twins and the like more
} wholesome, so these imagined memories are probably more healthy for you
} psychologically...


193-04    (02421 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since you charge us an answer for every question we ask, what is the
> street value of a question?  Are you saving all these questions to buy
> Iraqi oil when the market collapses?  Am I paranoid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Omnipolite Oracle will defer this question to his divine and
} all-knowing stock broker, Hee B. Griedie.
}
}       "The street value of a question to the Omniscient Oracle
}        depends largely on the open market conditions, of course,
}        combined with fluctuations in the time-space continuum,
}        the current size of Dolly Parton's knockers, and the
}        going rate for a Bill Cosby concert ticket, front row
}        center.  Currently, the street value of a question is
}        about 3.5 cents, or 3E58 pesos.
}
}        As to whether or not the Oracle would save all these
}        questions in order to purchase interests in the major
}        Iraqi oil commodities, I can only answer with the disclaimer
}        that the Omniscient Oracle, in his all-knowing way, does
}        not usually interfere in the business of mortals, for he
}        knows that in doing so, he could severely upset the market
}        and turn in a humongous profit for himself.  I, on the
}        other hand..."
}
}       <<<<ZZZAAAPPP!!!>>>>
}
} You owe the Oracle another stock broker.


193-05    (22131 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       Do you do circumcisions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  I do circumcisions.  I also do circumscriptions, subscriptions,
} circumspections, inspections, despections, tropical storms, flatulence,
} anagrams, circumstances (including circumstantial evidence, manufactured
} to spec by a crew of brave tiny gnomes.), circles, circumferences,
} inferences, infiltrations, filtrations, fibrillations, gorillas,
} marriages, and spaghetti.  Mostly spaghetti.
}
} I do not do open heart surgery.
}
} I also do not do distractions, peregrinations, adulterations (not to be
} confused with adultery, which is both compulsory and forbidden to
} capitalists), stock exchanges, maraschino cherries, teeth of the
} deoxyribonuclease slug, harbingers, palindromes ("SIT ON A POTATO PAN,
} OTIS"), flagrances, fragrances, psychic Doritos (or other Mexican food),
} professional baked potatoes, and other delicacies.
}
} Understand?


193-06    (31032 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Sam I am have yams and Spam after he had green eggs and ham?
>                                               -- Dr S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am Sam!  Sam I Am!
} I never eat green eggs and ham!
} I just purvey them.  Sam I Am
} Will just promote green eggs and ham,
} Not eat them. I like yams and Spam!
}
} I really like them when at sea
} I like them after sodomy
} I like them when on tenterhooks
} I like them writing leftist books
} I like them garnished with wild flowers
} I like them during golden showers
} I like them after playing Horatio
} I like them after faving fellatio
} I like them playing castanets
} I like them wearing tight corsets
} I like them turgid, like them flaccid
} Like them when I'm doing acid
} I like them on a flight to Spain
} I like them as I snort cocaine
} I <huge explosion>


193-07    (22221 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I am plagued with a most horrid plague these days.  Monks,
> many of them tonsured, call upon me at all hours, declaiming
> unintelligible things concerning the recent conquest of France by
> bandicoots.  My spiritual life, once full of symphonic overtures and
> high-bandwidth rubber carridge connectors, is now a sad and dreary
> wasteland of chocolate chip cookies and sexual overtones.  Where once I
> had seven lovers, one for every day of the week, I am now compelled to
> satisfy the crude and coarse passions of Dan Quayle and Madona.  My
> dreams are filled with the sobbing of stunned reindeer, and my
> nightmares whisper to me of guacamole in the dark.  I can no longer
> endure the opening chords of _Das Rheingeld_, as the remind me terribly
> of manufacturing and marketing.  Why, oh wise and compassionate Oracle,
> is my pleasure broken and my happiness become as naught?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get a new thesis advisor.  Thesis advisors are the root of all evil.


193-08    (21321 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep hearin' this talk about there bein' a Whore in the Middle East,
> and George Bush sendin' over hundreds and thousands of armies.  Ain't
> this kind of stupid?  I mean, we're spending hundreds and millions of
> bucks to get 'em there, and even if she wuz downright *free* it'd still
> be cheaper to use good old American hookers.  Can't be much savin' in
> that.
>
> Screw American!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, but this is the famous Whore of Babylon -- the best in the world,
} reknowned in song and story and the Bible to boot.  Yep, American p*ssy
} is cheaper and of pretty damn good quality, but we're talking about the
} very best here.


193-09    (01215 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between software and hard water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bugs drown in hard water, but live forever in software.


193-10    (41211 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are extra-crunchy mesquite-BBQ potato chips, even if fried in peanut
> oil, a Satanic snare?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider the following selection from the record "Gosh Wow, It's Satan!"
} by Blackened Sabbath.
}
} Oh boy!
} Oh boy!
} Let's sacrifice some mongooses to Satan!
} Let's do it now!
} Then he'll give us junk food!
} Junk food of the Devil!
} Gosh, Wow!
} Salt-covered Cheeze Balls
} Popcorn with Cyanide Chunks!
} Extra-crunchy Mesquite Barbecue Potato Chips
} Oooh Boooy!
}
} I think that the question is easy now.


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