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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Intrepid, randy Oracle, could you recite a juicy part from the > suppressed Finnish saga "Heroes of the Sauna"?   Humble thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here we go, one "Heroes of the Sauna" coming up: } }       Finn the man was dirty and smelly }       Smelled like a B.O. demon from Helle. }       Said,"I gotta get clean, and I am gonna, }       Do it in that nice hot steamy sauna." } }       He got in the sauna and did espy }       A naked female sitting close by. }       Said,"I came in to get clean, just me and my ducky, }       but with a little luck <SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE> } }       SMUT ALERT SMUT ALERT SMUT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } }       THIS IS THE PMRC SMUT DETECTION SQUAD.  YOU ARE RECEIVING AN } ILLEGAL SMUTTY TRANSMISSION FROM THE NET.ORACLE.  IT HAS BEEN } INTERDICTED AND THE DATA CONTAINED THEREIN CONFISCATED.  YOU WILL BE } CONTACTED BY THE NET.THOUGHT POLICE CONCERNING THIS TRANMISSION.  WE } WILL HAVE MANY QUESTIONS. } }         this is a notice from the net.oracle.  my net.poetry.  server } has been confiscated by the net.thought.police, pmrc division.  all } poetry replies will be delayed indefinitely.  the net.oracle thanks you } for your patience. } }         <Transmission ends>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's Liquid Paper and Liquid Nails and Liquid Rubber and other such > products.  Why not Liquid Girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The product "Liquid Girl", trademarked and rather secretly } distributed by Beatrice Foods ("Beatrice -- we own you"), has been a } very mysterious product for many years.  It is bottled in a 30-liter } plastic unrecyclable bottle and is a red solution with a curved } applicator (for hard to reach places).  It is a mass-production wonder; } once applied from the bottle, the girl hardens within minutes and forms } a definite epidermis and facial features.  In about half an hour, the } girl is complete and ready to function.  The finished product is } definitely a far cry from the ingredients, which the package lists as: } Sugar, Spice, Nice things. } }     You are probably familiar with the monthly "menstrual cycle" of the } girl.  It is, of course, not blood being ejected from the body at all, } but rather some unformed liquid from the original application; that is, } internal liquid which never hardened or was somehow loosened or } reliquified.  The girl's frequent irrational behaviour while this } happens is because her own embarrassing synthetic origin is being } revealed.  Real girls will not be afflicted with this. } }     Naturally, "Liquid Boy" is another well-hidden product in this well- } hidden product line.  This product has remained more secretive due to } frequent complaints from animal rights activists regarding ingredients } it uses, including snails and dehydrated puppy tails, and Beatrice has } attempted to promote the vegetarian version over the meat version to } appease the protesters.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I lie awake but cannot move.  As a fly walks across the face of my > retina, I suddenly remember, I was once a flying man-pig.  My thoughts > blurr into a montage of thoughts: > >                 smiling nuns on horseback, >                 jumper cables with only three clips, >                 40lb bag of purina pig chow, >                 pink paperclips, >                 human feet, >                 the doublemint twins mud wrestling, >                 saturday afternoon hose-downs, >                 a nice ass with a good and curled up tail. > > As the fly reaches the far side of my eye, my vision ends. > > What does this all mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, child, child, would that I could concoct an answer worthy of this. } Well I bloody can't.  Actually, you were no flying man-pig but a female } impersonator working under the stage name "Bogus Betty," specializing in } heavy flirtation during your nightclub act.  But man-pig memories are } more soothing, and the nuns and Doublemint twins and the like more } wholesome, so these imagined memories are probably more healthy for you } psychologically...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since you charge us an answer for every question we ask, what is the > street value of a question?  Are you saving all these questions to buy > Iraqi oil when the market collapses?  Am I paranoid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Omnipolite Oracle will defer this question to his divine and } all-knowing stock broker, Hee B. Griedie. } }       "The street value of a question to the Omniscient Oracle }        depends largely on the open market conditions, of course, }        combined with fluctuations in the time-space continuum, }        the current size of Dolly Parton's knockers, and the }        going rate for a Bill Cosby concert ticket, front row }        center.  Currently, the street value of a question is }        about 3.5 cents, or 3E58 pesos. } }        As to whether or not the Oracle would save all these }        questions in order to purchase interests in the major }        Iraqi oil commodities, I can only answer with the disclaimer }        that the Omniscient Oracle, in his all-knowing way, does }        not usually interfere in the business of mortals, for he }        knows that in doing so, he could severely upset the market }        and turn in a humongous profit for himself.  I, on the }        other hand..." } }       <<<<ZZZAAAPPP!!!>>>> } } You owe the Oracle another stock broker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, >       Do you do circumcisions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  I do circumcisions.  I also do circumscriptions, subscriptions, } circumspections, inspections, despections, tropical storms, flatulence, } anagrams, circumstances (including circumstantial evidence, manufactured } to spec by a crew of brave tiny gnomes.), circles, circumferences, } inferences, infiltrations, filtrations, fibrillations, gorillas, } marriages, and spaghetti.  Mostly spaghetti. } } I do not do open heart surgery. } } I also do not do distractions, peregrinations, adulterations (not to be } confused with adultery, which is both compulsory and forbidden to } capitalists), stock exchanges, maraschino cherries, teeth of the } deoxyribonuclease slug, harbingers, palindromes ("SIT ON A POTATO PAN, } OTIS"), flagrances, fragrances, psychic Doritos (or other Mexican food), } professional baked potatoes, and other delicacies. } } Understand?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Sam I am have yams and Spam after he had green eggs and ham? >                                               -- Dr S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am Sam!  Sam I Am! } I never eat green eggs and ham! } I just purvey them.  Sam I Am } Will just promote green eggs and ham, } Not eat them. I like yams and Spam! } } I really like them when at sea } I like them after sodomy } I like them when on tenterhooks } I like them writing leftist books } I like them garnished with wild flowers } I like them during golden showers } I like them after playing Horatio } I like them after faving fellatio } I like them playing castanets } I like them wearing tight corsets } I like them turgid, like them flaccid } Like them when I'm doing acid } I like them on a flight to Spain } I like them as I snort cocaine } I <huge explosion>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I am plagued with a most horrid plague these days.  Monks, > many of them tonsured, call upon me at all hours, declaiming > unintelligible things concerning the recent conquest of France by > bandicoots.  My spiritual life, once full of symphonic overtures and > high-bandwidth rubber carridge connectors, is now a sad and dreary > wasteland of chocolate chip cookies and sexual overtones.  Where once I > had seven lovers, one for every day of the week, I am now compelled to > satisfy the crude and coarse passions of Dan Quayle and Madona.  My > dreams are filled with the sobbing of stunned reindeer, and my > nightmares whisper to me of guacamole in the dark.  I can no longer > endure the opening chords of _Das Rheingeld_, as the remind me terribly > of manufacturing and marketing.  Why, oh wise and compassionate Oracle, > is my pleasure broken and my happiness become as naught?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get a new thesis advisor.  Thesis advisors are the root of all evil.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep hearin' this talk about there bein' a Whore in the Middle East, > and George Bush sendin' over hundreds and thousands of armies.  Ain't > this kind of stupid?  I mean, we're spending hundreds and millions of > bucks to get 'em there, and even if she wuz downright *free* it'd still > be cheaper to use good old American hookers.  Can't be much savin' in > that. > > Screw American!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, but this is the famous Whore of Babylon -- the best in the world, } reknowned in song and story and the Bible to boot.  Yep, American p*ssy } is cheaper and of pretty damn good quality, but we're talking about the } very best here.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between software and hard water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bugs drown in hard water, but live forever in software.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are extra-crunchy mesquite-BBQ potato chips, even if fried in peanut > oil, a Satanic snare?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider the following selection from the record "Gosh Wow, It's Satan!" } by Blackened Sabbath. } } Oh boy! } Oh boy! } Let's sacrifice some mongooses to Satan! } Let's do it now! } Then he'll give us junk food! } Junk food of the Devil! } Gosh, Wow! } Salt-covered Cheeze Balls } Popcorn with Cyanide Chunks! } Extra-crunchy Mesquite Barbecue Potato Chips } Oooh Boooy! } } I think that the question is easy now.