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17 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:23:00 GMT

Internet Oracularities #207

Goto:
207, 207-01, 207-02, 207-03, 207-04, 207-05, 207-06, 207-07, 207-08, 207-09, 207-10


Usenet Oracularities #207    (12 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 90 14:33:11 -0500

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207   12 votes 01461 13341 42330 23412 14520 21252 00435 10731 03702 12135
207   3.2 mean  3.6   3.1   2.4   2.8   2.7   3.3   4.1   3.2   3.1   3.8


207-01    (01461 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took a copy of "Jerusalem" sung by the Vatican Choir, played it
> backwards, and discovered "Satan's snot soldiers sing sweetly" right
> in the middle when they're singing "Bring me my chariot of desire".
> What larger ramifications does this have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago, the ancients set forth the rules and regulations that
} would govern the land:  man would be sovereign, trees would bear
} fruit, women would laugh about the men, etc.  All these things were
} made to be, and they saw that it was good.
}
} However, Lazariticus, one of the ancients, saw a flaw in the network
} they had created.  "Fellow Ancients," he said, "we have a flaw."  And
} indeed, they did.
}
} For you see, if one took a copy of "Jerusalem" sung by the Vatican
} Choir and played it backwards, the message "Satan's snot soldiers sing
} sweetly" would come through like a beacon, and the faith of humanity
} in gooldy things would certainly smolder and die.
}
} Well, the ancients were convinced that no-one would be desperate
} enough for something to do that they would play this song backwards.
} "Besides," said one of the elders, "that song won't be written for
} quite some time, and who would possibly think to play it backwards..."
}
}
}
} You blew it.
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.


207-02    (13341 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My best friend is a social worker.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know how you feel.  At one time my best friend was a KGB mime, and for
} a while I was all buddy-buddy with a toxic waste taste-tester.  You've
} just got to raise your standards, that's all.  Progress gradually --give
} the social worker the brush-off, and start hanging out with real estate
} agents, then drunken opossums, and so on.  You'll be rubbing elbows with
} the beautiful people in no time.
}
} You owe the Oracle the girdle of a Gabor sister.


207-03    (42330 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Does the oracle know the answers to all the questions in
> Jeopardy?
>
> And if so does it prove anything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            Dum                 Dum
}          dum      dum        dum       dum,
}                     dum,
}
}
}                       *doop*
}      Dum        Dum           ee-
} dum        dum                     doop-
}                                           ee-
}                                                doop-
}                                                       ee-
}
}      *DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING!!!!
}
} Well, you're looking kind of doubtful Mary, let's see what you put down
} -- "What is Brazilia", no, I'm sorry that's the wrong answer.  Of course
} you had no winnings this game, so you bet ...  zero.
}
} You seem rather hopeful John, although you didn't score either, but...
} "Who are the Andrews sisters", no, I'm sorry John.  That's not correct.
}
} And the Usenet Oracle is inscrutable as usual, and your answer is ...
} "What is the question:  What is the most blatantly rhetorical question
} ever asked on `Jeopardy' ?" And that, of course, is correct, which
} brings your winnings to far more than we can pay.  Therefore, as per a
} pre-arranged agreement between the Oracle and Sajack Enterprises, from
} now on this show will be called "Celebrity Jello Jump" ...


207-04    (23412 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got rhythm, I've got music,
> I've got my gal, who could ask for anything more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy an umbrella.
} Definitely.
}
}       Look, We hate to break it to you, just at a time when things
} are really lookin' good, but.....
}       ....hard times are on the way.
}
} Heck, We don't even have to be prescient to know that. Just look. All
} the classic warning signs are there:
}
}       1)      "rhythym" Your life has stabilised. Those annoying
}               inner-ear problems have gone. Everything is happening
}               when it should. But the build up of wax is starting,
}               and your heart will lose the beat
}       2)      "music" hmmmph. You're hearing things. Or if you aren't
}               yet, you soon will be. probably due to that wax build-up.
}       3)      "gal" You Bastard. Parade your personal success around,
}               why don't you? It's not easy being an omniscient,
}               omnipotent, omniprescient Oracle, you know. We don't
}               have someone warm and cuddly to share, so why should you.
}
} Undoubtedly all these factors are UNDENIABLE signs that the end is nigh.
} Or at least a one-person recession. If you sacrifice a heifer to
} Demeter, and examine its entrails, you'll see it too. So...
}
} ...NOW is the time to buy boxes and boxes of tissues, umbrellas,
} tins of soup and sweet corn, long-life batteries and head for the hills.
} Before it's TOO late. Alternatively, shave your head, and enter
} a monastary where you can devote your life to expurgating all
} lewd and lascivious thoughts from the Reader's Digest condensed version
} of The Pilgrim's Progress.
}
} Remember,
}       "the glass is half-empty."
}       "a full-house always loses to a four-of-a-kind"
}       "if you bend over to pick up a 100-dollar bill, someone will
}               kick you in the ass"
}
} You owe the Oracle a new CD player, and a blow-up Elle MacPherson.
}
} mutterBastarduttermutterfirstagainstthewallrmuttermuttermuttermutter
} muttewhentherevolutioncomestermuttesomeguysgetalltheluckttemuttemutt
} ermuttermuttermuttermutterermuttermuttermuttermutterermuttermuttermu
} tterhellgethiserermuttermhehehehehermusomeadvantagestobeinganOraclem
} uttermuttrhythmbullshitermuttermumusiccraprermuttegirltermuttermutte
} rmuwheredidiputthebadluckuttermaybeivegotasparepandorasboxormuttperh
} apsifimoverealfasticanpinchhisgalmuttermutterandmaybegetabandtogethe
} muttermutteohmygodthisisgoingouttotheshitheadkillitkillitturnitof


207-05    (14520 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh frumptious Oracle, whose clock time is in the picoseconds and who can
> visualize both configurations of the Necker cube simultaneously:
>
>         My preciousss is gone!  Bad, bad Bagginss has taken it!  How can
> I get my precious, my birthday-present, back, and suck the last piece of
> marrow from the Bagginses' bones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay cut out the gollum schtik, I have some questions for you:
}
}       Do you think "The Silmarillion" gets better and better every
}       time you read it ?
}
}       Do you own a silver lame' jerkin which you call your "shirt of
}       mythril mail" ?
}
}       Do you juggle and do acrobatics at the annual "Tudor Valley
}       Crafts Fair" ?
}
}       Do you play the recorder ?
}
}       Drink mead ?
}
}       Eat oat cakes ... ?
}
}       ARE YOU A PUPPET ENTHUSIAST ?!?!?!?
}
} Just as I thought.  You need professional help pal.
}
} Also, you owe the Oracle Christopher Tolkien's girdle of dwarven
} stamina.


207-06    (21252 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it so chilly in the mornings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Dr.  Ulrik M.  Bronestone (Nobel Prize winner in 1996) once said,
} "Coldness is fundamentally the absence of heat, caused by a shortage of
} atomic particles known as hotdots.  Since many modern experiments
} confirm the fact that these hotdots have no mass or electrical charge,
} they are classified according to size; thus lessons and morons."
}
} How can something without a mass have a definite size?  This has puzzled
} physicists for decades, with the only apparent effect being an alarming
} increase in insane scientists.  The real answer to the problem can be
} found in The Grand Theory of Scuba Diving, which also includes the
} answers to several other eternal problems such as "Where _did_ I put my
} piano last night?" and "Will the Beach Boys ever grow up to become Beach
} Men?".  Anyway, according to the theory, mass cannot be quantumized or
} enrolled in record clubs, nor can it be converted into psionic energy
} without the aid of Slushpuppies and Hersheybars.  However, when the
} timezone difference between Boston and Budapest exceeds the total time
} required for a Sun workstation to compile a Pascal program, the density
} of hotdots can diminish exponentially, which may lead to the
} "weightlessness" previously described.
}
} Now, mornings can be chilly for a number of reasons, but most likely
} they will be so because many of the larger hotdots refuse to work during
} the nightly hours, which forces the smaller hotdots to work overtime to
} keep a new Ice Age from occuring.  These poor hotdots get so tired that
} by early morning, they either collapse from exhaustion or join together
} to evolve into ostrich-hunters.  During this phase of hotdot inactivity,
} the temperature slowly decreases (causing seaweed-farmers much grief)
} until the remaining hotdots finish contemplating life after Simpsons and
} resume their normal duties.
}
} You owe the oracle a physics degree.


207-07    (00435 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Muse of Programming has left me, and I can't even remember how to
> use the ++ operator.  What can I do to restore my talents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, you have got to apologise!  The Muse was round my
} place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood!  What
} on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great
} language?  I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you?
}
} There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few
} friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you
} understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...)
}
} 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter). Trash
}     all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND prefix
}     operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life). Get the
}     fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to compile and
}     execute the following program 32767 times
}
}    #include <apologies.h>
}    #include <abasement.h>
}    #include <Muse/favourite_toys.h>
}    #include <Muse/sexy_underwear.h>
}    #include <Muse/ice_cream.h>
}    #define FAULT mine
}    #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD
}    #define CRAWL_NO 256
}    main(argc, argv)
}    int argc;
}    char **argv;
}    {
}    int crawling=0;
}       for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) {
}                                               /* THATS how you use */
}           abase(ME);                          /* ++ (postfix ...)  */
}           castigate(ME);
}           humble(ME);
}           humiliate(ME,whip(),beat());
}           buy(expensive_toy());
}           buy(leatherwear());
}           buy(choc_chip_ice_cream());
}           buy(red_roses(12));
}       }
}    printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\n");
}    printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse. Truly sorry!\n",
}           my_name());
}    }
}
} 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint
}     the bald patches red. Stand out in the snow until you turn blue
}     underneath.  Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming!
}     I apologise!  Please, please, please come back! I promise I won't
}     complain when you beat me at Tetris! I'll do anything for you! I was
}     a bad bad bad boy!  I'll never even look at another programming
}     language again! Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me! It was
}     all a mistake! I'll do anything!"  If you're lucky, she'll come
}     back. And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were
}     discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning,
}     and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ...
}
} 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your
}     last program together - she likes hairy coding.
}
} 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get
}     everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman. Don't worry if
}     you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never
}     stopped the religious evangalists in the past ...
}
} 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24
}     days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of
}     cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game
}     of nethack.  Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's
}     version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible
}     handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me,
}     here.  If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse
}     to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project.
}
} Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going
}  by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride. She was
}  considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty
}  adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well,
}  C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait
}  just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry.
} Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the
}  net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing
}  fingers up to the wrist.
}
} Good luck, and may you make the right decisions!
}
} You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and
}  compiles down to a single NOP every single time. And a banana.


207-08    (10731 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose rhetoric is like no others ...
>
> Why is it that time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is actually a phrase used to test the internal consistency of
} natural language processors.  Fruit does not fly like a banana.  In
} fact, very few fruit can fly at all.  The majority belong to a wingless
} species of fruit which back-evolved from the interbreeding of small land
} mammals and New Zealanders.  The few fruits which do possess the power
} of flight are ones such as lemons and oranges (citri alti) and a rare
} South-American carrot (keratos obscurus).  Although banana-like, their
} manner of flight bears enough dissimilarities to warrant another name.
}
} Time flies became extinct in the 13th century in after great religious
} persecution.  Recent studies have shown that there favourite environment
} was the armoury which could have led to the saying while the men were
} dressing for battle "Check for flies." Later this developed, as language
} does, to become more similar to the modern saying.
}
} This talk of carrots (which are known to improve eyesight) is
} reminiscent of a saying of Galileo:
}
}         `If I have seen further than most men it is because I have used
}         a telescope.'
}
} You owe the oracle a can of insecticide.


207-09    (03702 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle rampant, when I asked you about Punjabi micro-tigers you
> denounced me as a "befuddled gin-soaked charlatan".  However I myself
> had received several questions about Punjabi micro-tigers and asked
> you about them to gather information for my replies.  Needless to say,
> your response was not very helpful.  Fortunately my subsequent
> research uncovered a dissertation by R.M. Bynam entitled "Punjabi
> Micro-Tigers: History and Function", which in turn cited many other
> works devoted to the subject.  This research enabled me to formulate a
> coherent reply to the questions, no thanks to you.
>
> In short, I respectfully submit that I am not a gin-soaked charlatan,
> and suggest that if you have anything to contribute to the existing
> literature concerning Punjabi micro-tigers, please do so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  How I long for the distant lands of Punjabi, few know that I used
} to roam this Indian subcontinent in my youth!  Everyone knows that
} Punjabi micro-tigers exist entirely within the minds of the
} spiritualy-inclined.  But while this fun and phantasmical beast is caged
} within metaphysical realms, it exists luridly in the fears of every
} pre-adolescent inhabitant of this Indian subcontinent.  Because of its
} mythical existence, it also has a mythical method of capture.  A Punjabi
} micro-tiger may be captured by wreathing a lasso of juniper branchlets
} using the berries as lure and singing several folk songs in Panjabi.
}
} As you well know, India was once under the far-reaching fingers of the
} British Empire.  One of Britain's most famous exports at the height of
} its glory was gin, most famously Beefeater labeled accordingly with the
} image of a guard of Buckingham in full military dress.  This gin was
} distilled from the Juniper berries imported from Punjabi.  The Punjabi,
} resentful of the occupation and governing of their homeland by
} imperialists, wished this beast upon whoever would consume the
} end-product of their soil.
}
} Analogously, the United States has it's version of the Punjabi
} micro-tiger most commonly referred to as a `Pink Elephant'.  Whether the
} myth carries the stigmatism of alcoholism or not is unclear within the
} northwestern parts of India, but in most Western cultures it is seen as
} such.


207-10    (12135 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I not doing my work ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know either (yet).  Let's take a look inside your mind and see
}
} # rlogin shmoe_brain@net.user.questioner.wuss
}
} Login: operator
} Password: (the Oracle found this password on the local pirate bulletin
} board)
}
} WetUnix v.42.33e (collegiate version)
}
} WU46321: System warning: renegade job interfering with normal processing
}
} # ps
}
}  12:34pm  up 23 years, 167 days, load average: 0.11, 0.02, 0.01
} Process        CPU time idle  JCPU   %CPU  what
} id             10034733         23  0.5%   i think, therefore i am
} ego            10034732         82  0.5%   i am, therefore i think
} lust_deamon      538387         19   98%   thinksex -r thinksex -r [...]
} productive_work  122003         27    1%   boring
} infantile_wants  538387 20yrs   36  <exiting>
} i_want_mommy      82279         18  <no resources, suspended>
}
} # exit
}
} There's the answer -- you're spending all your time thinking about sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower and a postcard to Mom.


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