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16 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:05:31 GMT

Internet Oracularities #23

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23, 23-01, 23-02, 23-03, 23-04, 23-05, 23-06, 23-07, 23-08, 23-09, 23-10


Usenet Oracularities #23
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 20 Oct 89 02:47:42 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


23-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the name of the absolutely gorgeous girl sitting next to me,
> right now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her name is Elaine Betsy Blurfie Amanaghafella Sandra Cassandra
} Packassandra Multipackassandra Blandra Understandra Chandra Fran Pran
} Glan Plan Plan Plan FORTRAN Whipplesneak Trippplegleak Paramongo
} Half-the-Congo Bingobongo Thumbtack Susan Bratnifells Quayne Drogo Brogo
} Frogo Lrogo Zrogo Hypnopaedia Dialect Karma Dinosaur Dingo Elixer Elk
} Ellipse Hayloft Hawk Innoculation Rabbit Chariminade Plumiferous
} Luminiferous Polygoniferous Planiform Graniform Baniform Smith.
}
} (Her parents enjoyed LSD.) She'll never admit it though.
}
} You owe the Oracle a birth certificate.


23-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Ben Samit ride a Harley?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ben Samit is one of those "macho dweebs" that you hear about in the news
} these days.  In fact, there will be a NBC news article on him and his
} gang, "Hell's Weenies," in a few weeks.  Macho dweebs wear leather
} jackets with pocket protectors, spikes in the form of skulls and
} inverted pentacles, and calculator pouches.  They build onboard
} computers for calculating the best angles to run down cops and keep
} track of their profits from drug running and loan sharking.  They break
} into office supply stores.  They're becoming a real problem in the Bay
} Area.  Ben Samit is one of the worst:  they call him "Satan's
} Slipstick."


23-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes waves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Waves are due to a little game that fish play when no one is looking.
} Any time there is absolutly no people observing them all the fish
} in all the oceans swim toward shore as fast as they can. As soon
} as someone looks they all stop suddenly creating a wave. As soon
} as said person or persons turn around, they all change direction
} creating the undertow.  So in reality one might say that it is
} people looking at fish that causes waves.
}
} You owe the Oracle one McFishfillet sandwich.


23-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most perverted sexual act there is?
> (Not that I have tried out everything else, I just thought
> I'd like to know...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most perverted sexual act requires eleven people, three males, four
} females, and four other.  The props include a grape, two urns of wine, a
} clock, a stick of dynamite, a used flannel sweater, five flowerpots, an
} old couch, a bohmedine, a drugged muskrat, a large supply of pancakes,
} an umbrella, a staple gun, a gluting, and a banjo.  It was last
} performed in Rome, before Nero, which is amazing considering how few of
} those things were invented back then.  (Two haven't been invented even
} now.) Don't try it at home.


23-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, fount of wisdom and sagacity, tell me why I forget to
> turn off the car lights 30 seconds after reminding myself to do so!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you forget the simple rule:  if you are an absent-minded twit
} with the attention span of a drunk sparrow, you should ...  um ...  er
} ...  always ...  well ...  let me see ...  propose a constitutional
} amendment with the death penalty for burning the flag.  That's it.  Very
} good.


23-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the oracle so determined to find girlfriends for
> xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu doesn't stand a chance of doing it himself!
}
} No charge


23-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long is one oracle day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, so very long the oracle day is.  So very, very long.  Never very
} much the chance of the sleep.  From very early in the night they want me
} awake, very awake, always the questions they want me for to answer.  And
} what kind the questions they ask!  The sex question!  The "how find me
} the girlfriend?" question!  The "I am from wpi, how come I such a horrid
} person" question!  (easy the answer, though).  The "what best the sexual
} position" question!  The "how come not I sleep" question!  Oy!  The
} questions!  And so early in the night, they do not let me sleep!  And
} then all day they come still the questions, the questions, the
} questions, always the questions.  Again and again the same questions,
} the same fooly questions!  The "what is the meaning of life"!
} questions.  The "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck" questions!  The
} "what is your favorite color" questions!  Always, the same stupid
} questions.  And continue they on all night, the questions, always the
} questions.  So many, so foolish, so often the same the questions.
}
} Oh, so very very long the oracle day.
}
} You owe the oracle a vacation.


23-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do the following things stand for?:
> WPI, USC, CCSU, MIT, RPI, RIT, UHA, UCONN, SCSC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WPI - Wormy Persons Inc.  A company dedicated to supplying blind dates
}       and last-minute prom dates.  Their motto - "Well, if you REALLY
}       don't care who you go with ...."
}
} USC - Used Sexual Condiments - Oil's, whipped creams, edible underwear,
}       tasty body paint, etc ... A serious enviromental problem affecting
}       us all.
}
} CCSU - C Compilers that Strangle Users - The latest horror movie from
}        Clive Barker.
}
} MIT - Many Interesting Tits - Used to describe latest issue of Playboy.
}
} RPI - Regal Penises Inc.  A company that preserves the penises of past
}       great people.  They maintain a museum in Cleveland, OH.
}
} RIT - Rectal Institute of Technology.  Researches latest colonary
}       developments.
}
} UHA - University for Homosexual Apes - You got me on this one.
}
} UCONN - University of Cosmetics for Neo-Social Nerds - Helps people who
}         live in front of terminals all their lives learn to perform
}         basic sanitary functions.
}
} SCSC - Spooling Console Subsystem Central - New IBM acronym for RSCS,
}        since too many people knew what RSCS stands for.


23-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who left the hand grenade on my desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all started with Adam, Eve, the apple and of course, the snake.
} Actually, the names there John and Mary, the apple was a hotdog and
} the snake was not a genuine snake, but Marys dog, Snakeeye.
}
} Mary, sorry, Eve, tempted Adam, or was it John, to taste the hotdog.
}
}                  "Take a byte, and see the light!"
}
} So John did, and really, as he ate the BigMac, or was it a pizza, he
} saw the light! Eve's boyfriend, the coldblooded marine stood in the
} door, the left hand on the switch, and,
}
}                    YES YOU HAVE GUESSED IT,
}
} the right hand on the grenade! Now John, or was it Adam, you have 5
} ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...  hurry up ... 1 ... HURRY UP, I said, quit
} starring at the screen and get the bloody hell out of here!  .. 0
}
}       Morale: Never touch the console of somebody others girl ...
}
}               The Great Oracle has spoken.


23-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, if thou art so wise as thou purportest:
>
> Who is Xxx Xxxxx???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Xxx Xxxxx:  a mysterious individual, he has often been compared.
} Although now famed as the lead singer of the group "Trouser Experience",
} he is also a versatile actor who has appeared in both television.
}
}     An unhappy child, he was frequently bullied; like many children, he
} had an "imaginary friend", and when the other children bullied him, his
} "imaginary friend" would join in and bully him as well.
}
}     At the age of eight, he went to a school which had turned out
} potential Nobel Laureates - it had turned them out to make room for
} potential muggers and child-molesters.
}
}     At the age of eighteen, he was lucky enough to go to Harvard.  After
} his vacation, however, he returned to Indiana.  There, he was given a
} traditional education, from which he has never recovered.
}
}     His first musical endeavours were as guitar-abuser for Heavy Metal
} mega-group Ozzy Van ZZ Led Dead Def Leppard Bon Whitesnake; he left
} after their first album, saying that he wished to pursue a solo
} tax-rebate.
}
}     It was then that he became interested in the mysticism and culture
} of the far east.  He founded an Origami magazine, but it quickly folded.
} He also experimented with ambient music, working with musical guru Ian
} Brino to record "Ambient 5:  Music For Insomiacs Who've Run Out Of
} Pills".
}
}     After a while, he began to yearn for a return to his former life of
} loose cars and fast women.  He formed "Trouser Experience", whose first
} album "Banana In My Boxer Shorts" was a critical success.  Indeed,
} people still criticise its success.  Nowadays, he is a shy and retiring
} individual, and lives in his private Beverley Hills Mansion with only a
} cat, a goldfish (dead), and fifty security guards for companionship.
}
}     You owe the Oracle your first-born child and your entire collection
} of Barry Manilow albums.


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