[IO]
Internet Oracle
16 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:01:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #237

Goto:
237, 237-01, 237-02, 237-03, 237-04, 237-05, 237-06, 237-07, 237-08, 237-09, 237-10


Usenet Oracularities #237    (14 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 90 22:08:18 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

237   14 votes 24701 33152 24431 13352 20354 11273 01247 05432 26501 44420
237   3.1 mean  2.6   3.0   2.8   3.3   3.6   3.7   4.2   3.1   2.4   2.3


237-01    (24701 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all of the hair on your body, (including eyebrows and
> eyelashes), except the hair on your head, grows to a certain length and
> then stops?  Who determines how long your eyelashes grow before they
> stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally an intelligent question. I wonder why there has been
} such a shortage. Perhaps the ablest of mortal wisdom seekers
} have been repulsed by the number of foolish answers that have
} come from certain incarnations of the Usenet Oracle; or perhaps
} they have gone on to other tasks that do not require the wit
} and wisdom the Oracle can provide. Whatever, it is certainly
} gratifying to receive such a well-posed question, with no spelling
} errors and only the most minor of grammatical flaws (that first
} comma isn't really needed). And not only that, but it's a question
} that I'm sure has occurred to many of the readers of the Oracularities,
} and is thus of singular worthiness. I'm sure (I'm the Oracle,
} after all) that I speak for the entire Usenet community in saying
} "thank you; at last, a question worthy of the Oracle."
}
} Anyway, to answer your question, I don't know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lock of your hair, from a site of your choice.


237-02    (33152 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I did some shrooms last night and ended up giving a speech to a huddled
> mass, and now I have a group of guys following me around asking me for
> more!  It's almost as if they WORSHIP me or something?  What am I to do?
>
>                                       Signed, Jesus H. Christ.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, Jesus! Boy, are you lucky you met me!!
}
} What you need is a manager. An agent. Oracle at your service.
}
} Okay.  First we got yer basic royalties.  Over just the last few
} centuries, we've had up to a billion people a year buying Jesus
} paintings, Jesus crosses, using your name in publicity and writings, on
} television.  And of course your mother left you all of her royalties in
} her will.  It's a multi-trillion dollar industry!  Religion is a risky
} but high-profit investment.  Is it true you started out without almost
} NOTHING to accomplish this empire?  I make almost no money myself, but
} hey, I'm still trying.
}
} Then we got yer public appearances.  You've got to do Jeopardy and Wheel
} of Fortune, and the Johnny Carson show.  We'll skip Oprah unless she
} starts crying - I know how you have a weakness for crying women.
}
} Finally, I've been trying to get into the miracles business for
} centuries.  Predicting the future is about as far as I get.  We don't
} want multiplying loaves of bread, but how about cleaning all the junk
} out of our rivers and streams?  How about bringing all the extinct
} species back to life and curing all diseases?  We'll have a Red Light
} Special sale on forgiving all sins - can you imagine how much someone
} would pay for a Key to the City of Heaven?
}
} Of course, we're going to have a few Public Relations problems in the
} form of billions of requests for reincarnation, and we really can't
} feed all those people with the current world crops. And of course
} there'll be that nuclear holocaust when various unnamed non-Christian
} religions get real cranky. Plus there'll be an internal holy war when
} you are forced to choose between Catholicism and Protestantism. And of
} course since you providing everything is simpler than producing it
} ourselves, we'll all become feeble sheep lying around watching TV all
} day and praying for extra Cheese Whiz. Hmm.
}
} Tell you what. How about postponing that second coming another couple of
} millenia? Whaddya say? That's a sport.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shirt with "Christ died for your sins and all I got
} was this bloody T-shirt".


237-03    (24431 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Oracular,
> It seems the quality of questions being posed to you has
> gone down quite precipitously. Can you tell me why that
> might be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like the proverbial cooks, the quality of questions is an inverse
} function of the number of persons involved.  When only a few people ask
} questions to the Oracle, the quality of questions is very high.
} However, when many more people contribute, the quality, like the broth,
} decreases.
}
} The Oracle therefore suggests that no one send questions to the Oracle
} so that the quality of questions will be infinitely great.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slide rule and a bowl of minestrone soup.


237-04    (13352 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rice a Roni is yummy.
> Milli Vanilli is silly.
> Is anything alive anymore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now listen up cos' I'm saying Yo,
} This is the rap of the Oracle bro!
} I'm here to tell ya who's still alive
} And that for one ain't the Jackson Five
}
} I guess you thought that Bobby was dead
} At least he was in some dumb broad's head
} With Dallas pushing season fortyfive
} That sucker Bobby he is still alive
}
} Did Elvis die in '77
} And did he really go to rock'n'roll heaven?
} No, there ain't nuttin' that doctors can't fix
} He's still alive and playing hot licks
}
} And Keith, my man, in the Rollin' Stones
} He's a living wreck, just skin and bones
} But don't you worry, now don't you fear
} He changes his blood on a clinic each year
}
} I guess by now my friend you see
} Cohen, Beatle, Rolling Stone or BeeGee
} They're here to stay, they're here to thrive
} Aah Aah Aah Aah Staying alive!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Papa Dee CD.


237-05    (20354 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh shit, when I wrote the universe, I didn't find a bug in the microcode
> of physics, and now, no one can break the speed of light.  Should I fix
> the bug and just recompile the universe?
>                                               Love, God.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Err, You're asking my advice, Sir?  Surely You already know ..
}
} HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT I KNOW?!  ANSWER MY QUESTION!
}
} Well, alright, I guess if You feel my opinion would be useful I ..
}
} DID I SAY THAT??  DON'T PUT WORDS INTO *MY* MOUTH OR I MIGHT PLANT AN
} OAK TREE IN YOURS.  NOW GIVE ME AN ANSWER, PRONTO.
}
} Well I think the Universe has developed pretty well so far, so if I were
} You I'd just leave ..
}
} IF YOU WERE ME??!?  WATCH YOUR SACRILIGIOUS MOUTH, YOU FOOL!  SO YOU'RE
} TELLING ME I SHOULD LEAVE CREATION FAULTY, IS THAT IT?
}
} Err, yes Your Magnificence, I guess I, well no, I mean it's not a very
} big flaw ..
}
} YOU WANT ME TO TOLERATE A MAR ON THE PERFECTION OF MY HANDIWORK, IS THAT
} RIGHT, OH FOOLISH ORACLE??
}
} Well, when You put it that way Sir, I guess you should recompile the ..
}
} SO NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME TO JUST THROW AWAY 10 BILLION YEARS OF EFFORT.
} JUST CHUCK IT ALL OUT, IS THAT RIGHT?  HMMM?  IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE
} TELLING ME YOU INCOMPARABLE IDIOT?  <CRACKLE CRACKLE>
}
} Look Sir, I don't really know ..
}
} WELL *THAT'S* ABUNDUNTLY CLEAR!  AND TELL ME, WHAT GOOD IS AN ORACLE
} THAT DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING, HMM??
}
} **** Z A R K *****
}
} HEH, HEH.  NOTHING LIKE PICKING ON AN UNDERLING TO CHEER UP A DAY.  WHAT
} ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE STARING AT?  OFF WITH YOU BEFORE TRANSFORM YOUR
} DAUGHTERS INTO PIA ZADORA CLONES!
}
} <Oooog.  You owe the Oracle a BIG bottle of asprin.>


237-06    (11273 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing gang-bang-pathing router of universal knowledge, I
> beseech of thee...
>     Did Milli Vanilli really give George Bush the "Read My Lips" idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, Milli is the President's dog and advises him on all matters
} of National importance.  In this case the "Read My Lips" idea was
} designed to actually let Milli do the President's talking for him.
} Unfortunately, new to the English language, many of Milli's utterances
} were subtley misunderstood.  Thus, "no new ticks and fleas" became "no
} new taxes please" and "dead quail" became "Dan Quayle." While it is
} scary that a house pet is influencing affairs of state, we can be glad
} that Milli is not nearly as error-prone as Nixon's dog Checkers; who
} started the whole Watergate mess with a comment about tapeworms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Harts 2 in 1 collar and a dreadlock wig.


237-07    (01247 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Zeno's Paradox ?
> If you don't know don't answer at all!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeno's paradox is best illustrated as follows:  I'll give you half of
} the answer to your question --
}
} > Zeno was a famous Greek philosopher who attempted to prove that motion
} > does not exist.  The most famous of his paradoxes goes like this:
} > suppose we want to move from point A to point B.  We do so by moving
} > to a point halfway between A and B, then to another p
}
} Then half of the remaining answer to your question --
}
} > oint halfway between there and B, and to another point halfway between
} > there and B, and so on and so on.  As you can see, since t
}
} And half of the next part --
}
} > here is always some distance left between the point we're at and
}
} And the next part --
}
} >  point B, we never get to point
}
} And the next --
}
} > B.  Hence, motio
}
} And the next --
}
} > n is imp
}
} And so on --
}
} > ossi
}
} And so on --
}
} > bl
}
} And so on --
}
} > e
}
} See, you *still* have no idea what I'm talking about, right?
}
} QED.


237-08    (05432 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear powerful and compassionate oracle,
>
> I am but a lowly temporary employee with no status in my workplace.
> In the office nextdoor is a senior staff person who is singing "Gloria
> in excelsis Deo" and "Deck the halls" just loud enough to drive me
> batty through our thin walls.  He's been doing it since I came in this
> morning, and he was going almost all day yesterday.  How can I get him
> to shut up while not losing my job?
>
> I will do almost anything for your answer.  Please, in your kindness,
> help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, singing bright, cheerful holiday songs.  Those wonderful, quaint
} things that liven our days and remind us of all the glorious things that
} the holidays mean.
}
} The last entity that tried that around the Oracular workstation was
} reduced to a sub-atomic particle in Rosanne Barr's left cheek.
}
} Trust me, I can sympathize with your problem.
}
} The answer?  Rather simple...fight back!  If you can get away with
} playing music of your own, bring in "Punk Rock Christmas" or "Have a
} Smurfish Holiday" or "Chipmunks do Chaunakah." Something like that.  Use
} repeated applications.
}
} Plan 'B' :  tape-record the offender and let *EVERYONE* hear *just* how
} off-key he is.  (This won't work for anyone who actually can *use* their
} voice)
}
} Plan 'C' :  join in.  Loudly.  In a different octave if you can manage
} it.  This becomes even more effective (and safer for you) if you can
} find more malcontents in the office to help.
}
} Plan 'D' :  forge a memo from someone MORE senior who doesn't bother
} with such trivial things as looking at bulletin boards, and post it.
} Complain of "unruly disturbances" in the workplace.  Bah humbug.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of earmuffs.


237-09    (26501 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it just me or does Ed McMahon resemble a clydesdale horse?  I
> wouldn't want publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes check given to me by
> a farm animal.
> Why can't they substitute a celbrity that resembles a bengal tiger?
> That would be much more exciting.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased to reassure you that it isn't just you.  It
} isn't even a coincidence.  Ed McMahon was in fact chosen *because
} of* his resemblance to a clydesdale horse.  Ed McMahon read for
} the publishers' clearinghouse part against several other
} celebrities, including one who resembled a Bengal tiger, one
} resembling a black widow spider, one resembling a domestic cat,
} and one resembling a pile of pig dung.   Extensive market
} research studies showed that consumers found the Bengal tiger
} celebrity too exciting, the black widow spider too frightening,
} the domestic cat too independent, and the pile of pig dung too
} smelly.  On the other hand, they were reassured and at ease
} around the dull but comforting clydesdale horse, Ed McMahon.
}
} It's really too bad that you wouldn't be able to bring yourself
} to accept a check from a farm animal, though.  I'll let them know
} to go immediately to the runner-up this time.
}
} Amazing coincidence, you writing just now!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lovely free gift with her paid
} subscription.


237-10    (44420 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and truly c00l oracle.
>
> What shall I do? I THINKD I'm turning into a BiffClone.
> All the TYMe II TIPE S0METHYNG it sounds like BIFF
>
> BIFFZ A REEL C00L D00D AND AWL, BUT IT"Z DRYYVIN MY FRENDS CRAZY.
> PLEEZ HELP ME MR. 0RACUL. I THINKZ THAT IT W00D BE B0GUZ TO TAK LIKE
> DIS FOEREVEHR.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Standard Earthquake and Transmogrification Safety Guideline, Rev. 3
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} 1) Don't Panic.
}
} 2) Ignore crackpot quake predictions and surfboards.
}
} 3) If you feel the onset of a tremor or a capital B, hide under the
}    nearest table.
}
} 4) If books start falling off the walls or you feel the urge to say
}    C00L, break one eyeglass lens, jump out from under the table and
}    start waving a sliderule at the earth. This will usually fend off the
}    evil spirits.
}
} 5) If the building starts to fall rattle or you hear yourself say BOGUZ,
}    enrole immediately in Accounting 304: "How to make money off natural
}    disasters in major metropolitan areas." This is your best bet.
}
} 6) Panic.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM Contact oracle-web@cs.indiana.edu