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17 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:49:50 GMT

Internet Oracularities #270

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Usenet Oracularities #270    (15 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 91 15:27:00 -0500

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270   15 votes 14244 27330 15342 15540 05433 22533 17340 03741 03732 01239
270   3.2 mean  3.4   2.5   3.1   2.8   3.3   3.2   2.7   3.2   3.3   4.3


270-01    (14244 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to eat an artichoke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a truly complicated question, dear but silly mortal fan.  You
} probably do not realize the importance that the answer to your question
} can have on the fate of humanity.  For this answer, I must refer to my
} diaries from the 12th Century.
}
} In a European monastery which has now been lost to the sands of time, a
} devout group of holy men guarded a valuable library of rare books, which
} I browsed through from time to time when looking for good recipes to
} entertain special house guests.  In this library I once found a lost
} book of the Bible, which told of a test that God wished to perform on
} his creation to test their faith and devotion.  This test was known as
} the Holy Artichoke Test.  If mankind performed the ritual as described
} by God, humanity would be saved from war, famine, and nasty Calculus
} exams.  No one has, to my knowledge, yet performed this ritual.  I
} believe that the profound meaning behind it can make it the most unusual
} and enjoyable way to eat an artichoke.
}
} First, you must find a perfect artichoke:  the largest, most perfect
} artichoke you have ever seen.  Inspect the artichoke carefully for
} insects, and be sure it contains no foul pesticides.
}
} Bathe the artichoke in Holy Water from the largest church in your area,
} or at the very least, scrub it with Perrier.
}
} Then you must strip yourself naked, and hike to the middle of the
} nearest desert.  Pray over your artichoke fervently for three days,
} neither sleeping nor eating nor watching Geraldo, just praying.
}
} If God has heard your pleas, the artichoke shall be cooked by the end of
} the third day.  You may then eat the artichoke, as long as you do not
} allow an impure thought to enter your mind.
}
} Finally, when you have finished the Holy Artichoke, you must sacrifice
} yourself, for the sake of mankind, by hurling yourself from the top of a
} honey-covered, red Ferrari Testarossa.  It is VERY important that you
} think only pure thoughts while doing this.  Do not, under any
} circumstances, think about your tax forms from 1987, the Republican
} Party, or the concept behind Fresh Scent Clorox.
}
} You may need to repeat this last step several times before receiving a
} "sign." The usual sign in this case is the sound of echoing thunder,
} often sounding surprisingly like Ed McMahon laughing.
}
} Performing this ritual should guarantee you a highly satisfactory
} artichoke-eating experience.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large jar of Cara Mia marinated artichoke hearts,
} some honey in a bear-shaped squeeze bottle, and a Ferrari keychain.


270-02    (27330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Years of graduate school have left me with an inexpressive face that
> looks completely stoic and dull.  I can't smile or frown or do much of
> anything with it.  It's going to keep me from a brilliant amateur acting
> career.  How can I make my face be expressive again, and not so wooden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It's a happy coincidence that you should ask me this question at
} this particular time, Friend Questioner, because The Oracle just happens
} to have completed a new best-seller, "How To Make Your Face Less
} Wooden".  In it, I outline my 22-step plan to a happier, cleaner, and
} rubberier face in just 30 days!  I know I should make you buy the book,
} but since you've undergone the tortures of graduate life, here's a
} little excerpt from the book...
}
}       "STEP 14:  Remove the terrier from the cardboard box.  Get
}       the syringe, and inject the goose with the insulin.  Place
}       your left leg on the table next to the melon, and switch
}       on the battery, keeping your necklace from touching the
}       electric leads.  Gently insert
}
}       [MODERATOR INTERRUPT:  THE SUBSEQUENT PASSAGES ARE DEEMED
} EXCESSIVELY LEWD, AND NOT FOR FAMILY VIEWING.  SORRY, GUYS, BUT THIS IS
} A FAMILY NETWORK.  AT YOUR SERVICE, AS ALWAYS...]


270-03    (15342 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1. why is it that the first time in 6 months that my room was empty of
> visitors was the one time I felt it necessary to clean?
>
> 2. What should I say to the people whose belongings I may have thrown
> away since I was angry and didn't get help cleaning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1. why is it that the first time in 6 months that my room was empty of
} > visitors was the one time I felt it necessary to clean?
}
} Why, simple physics, my son! Observe:
}
} As the number of people in the room approaches infinity, the ability of
} one person to clean said room approaches zero.  In addition, the
} following intriguing anomalies are most likely to occur:
}
} At least one coat will disappear; in reality it travels to the same
} dimension as all socks and keys that likewise disappear, although socks
} and keys do not depend on the infinite-people principle to open a
} dimension rift.
}
} The number of coats to disappear will be equalled by the number of pizza
} delivery boys appearing bearing 1-4 pizzas that no one ordered, but any
} number of people are willing to buy.
}
} Various poltergeistis phenomena such as music playing, fragile items
} smashing, loud footsteps and heated voices approaching deafening levels
} all may occur.  At this point, after the Coat-Banishment,
} Producing-Of-And Laying-Of-Hands-On-Pizza, and Poltergisity-Phenomena,
} the room is thrust past the Party-Event Horizon, and collapses upon
} itself, resulting in a Residential Black Hole.  The number of hours
} required to clean said Hole is directly proportional ten times the
} number of people appearing, but must wait until they have left, in 3-5
} days.
}
} > 2. What should I say to the people whose belongings I may have thrown
} > away since I was angry and didn't get help cleaning?
}
} 'And you owe me five bucks for the pizza.'
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of St. Pauli Girl.


270-04    (15540 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, in whose presence I try to be as obsequious and
> fawning as possible, a co-drone of mine recently claimed he knew of a
> sooth-sayer whose powers are greater than yours.  I know you cannot
> allow such blasphemey to go unpunished, so I was wondering if you would
> tell me the exact date and time when you will strike him with lightning
> so that I might gather a crowd, sell tickets (donating _most_ of the
> money to the Oracular Party Trust Fund, of course), and gloat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm afraid it's going to be a little more complicated than that,
} and will require some arranging on your part.  I hope you're as clever
} as you are humble.
}
} You see, while bolts from the blue are both theatrical and effective,
} they have been associated with several supernal entities over the
} eons, and the identity of the offended party is often somewhat
} ambiguous.  The Oracle prefers to make its revenge, well, a little
} more personal.  Accordingly, the next time this vermin sits down at a
} computer and types the word "oracle", he will be fried by a powerful
} bolt from the monitor (never you mind how powerful, it'll be powerful
} enough).  You must come up with your own strategy for cashing in on
} this.
}
} A couple thoughts:  Any glare shield on the monitor will diffuse the
} bolt; remove such items if you can.  Also, the strike, while fatal in
} any case, will nevertheless be more impressive if this rodent is
} well-grounded, so attempt to seat him in a metal chair, on a metal
} floor, or some such thing.  By all means make sure he is not on an
} anti-static floor mat.  Lastly, my fame (and yours), as well as the
} deterrent effect, will be maximized if this event occurs in some place
} like a public computer lab, the only problem being that people are
} likely to resent paying admission to a public place.  A little
} thought, however, should convince you that omniscient beings are
} rarely hard up for cash, so this is more of a problem for you than me.
}
} Best of luck with your arrangements.
}
} You owe the oracle one smoking boot.


270-05    (05433 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderous Oracle, whose telephone is permanently off the
> hook, please answer me this:
>
> I have, on my desk at work, a personal computer with more memory than
> our mainframe had 15 years ago, and has more pure processing power than
> the system which helped put man on the moon.  Yet all I ever seem to do
> with it is play games, an occassional spreadsheet, and (not very often)
> do a little programming for a bunch of twits that think that SIMMS and
> SIPS are a couple of quarterbacks for the NY Giants.
>
> Is it possible for me to, with the enormous computing power at my very
> fingertips, put MYSELF on the moon???  I'd do just about anything to get
> away from this dead-end place.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not now it isn't. But you might have been able to. Here's what you would
} have had to do:
}
}       Age 4:  At bedtime, ask for a scary story. Hint at werewolves.
}               Keep at it until you get your werewolf story. Turn out
}               the light. Have horrible nightmares.
}       Age 6:  Become a tag-along; hang out with someone at least two
}               years older than you in school. Preferably someone who
}               likes having you around to abuse. Arrange to have this
}               person around sometime at night. For instance:
}                       If your friend is a strong-willed, mischevious
}                       type, conspire to sneak out some evening to do
}                       mischief. If your friend is the respectful, o-
}                       bedient type, have your mother invite him over
}                       for dinner; then, after dinner, go to play out
}                       in the yard.
}               Do this when the moon is full. Mention that werevolves
}               come out when the moon is full; because your friend is
}               older and therefore wiser, ask why werewolves come out
}               during a full moon. Your friend, in a demonstration of
}               child sagacity, will tell you that any dope knows that
}               the moon's orbit is elliptical and that the moon looks
}               full when it is closest to the Earth; naturally, then,
}               since werewolves live on the moon, that is the perfect
}               time for them to cross down to Earth and prowl on kids
}               who ask dumb questions. Believe your friend's story.
}       Age  7: Ask the kid who sits next to you at school why the kid
}               with the big ears (who, unbeknownst to you, moved away
}               last week) isn't at school. Be told that he was caught
}               and devoured by werewolves on Saturday. Believe this.
}       Age 13: Sneak into an R-rated movie about werewolves. Stay for
}               the entire show, huddled in your seat and gripping the
}               arms of the chair painfully. Have vivid nightmares for
}               the next two weeks.
}
}       At this point, werewolves should be your worst fear. If they are
} not, your project has failed and you may as well give up. But, if you
} have been successful thus far:
}
}       Today:  Using your personal computer, send mail to the Oracle.
}               Instead of asking a question, simply say to the Oracle
}               that your personal computer is so powerful that it ri-
}               vals the Oracle itself; and that you are thinking that
}               since you have all this unused power, you might set up
}               an Oracle service of your own, only yours will be bet-
}               ter because you will answer the questions yourself. Be
}               sure to make spelling and punctuation errors. Complete
}               the message with a variant smiley face (i.e. ">8-)" ).
}               Sit back and wait.
}
}       When the Oracle receives your message, its divine mood will be
} moved beyond simple irritation to omnimalevolence. It will, in standard
} response to such a situation, unleash upon you the dark and treacherous
} wish that your worst fears be realized; and, as the wish is will and the
} will of an omnipotent being is reality, you will be immediately
} transported to the moon, from whence you believe that all werewolves
} come.  Thus, your objective will be achieved.  (It may interest you to
} know that you will not die of asphyxiation; you will instead be caught
} and devoured by werewolves, for the werewolves are part and parcel of
} the Oracle's ill-wishing.)
}       However, as the Oracle of course knows that you secretly desire to
} be on the moon, this scheme will not work now.  You should have set your
} goals straight at age four.
}
} You owe the Oracle the soundtrack to the Disney movie "Uncle Remus."


270-06    (22533 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DID THE WHOPPER BEAT THE BIG MAC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On a misty field at the edge of town,
} Beneath dark and cloudy skies,
} The Whopper stood, awaiting his foe,
} With a determined look in his eyes.
}
} He held a sabre in his hand,
} The pommel was slick with sweat,
} And the slightest trembling of the blade
} Betrayed the tension he felt.
}
} Behind him stood a silent form,
} As like to the first as could be:
} Another Whopper stood on the field
} Where a duel to the death was to be.
}
} From out of the fog, two figures appeared:
} Grim Big Macs strode forth on the field.
} "You have challenged my honor!" one Big Mac exclaimed
} "I will do you to death lest you yield!"
}
} "Me, challenged?" replied the Whopper, surprised,
} "It was you who gave challenge to me!"
} "I did not!" spat the Big Mac, "I wanted no duel;
} But your letter demanded it be."
}
} The duelists stared one at the other, confused,
} And each stepped back to question his friend.
} Two swords flickered out and the duelists lay dead:
} Their companions brought each to his end.
}
} My sad tale I'll end with a word to the wise,
} A moral, and don't you forget it!
} Whether Big Mac or Whopper you choose to consume,
} Don't have seconds, or you will regret it.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a pastrami sandwich.


270-07    (17340 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am 19 years old.  I am getting married on June 8, 1991.  All my
> friends are against it, but both our parents are thrilled.  What do you
> think I should do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, the Oracle would reccomend the tried and true method of
} eloping in the dark of night and telling a few selected friends.
} Unfortunately the reversal of situation does not justify a reversal of
} actions.  If you have a grandiose wedding at high noon and don't tell
} your friends, all of the guests will be people like your mom's friend
} Sally, who wears too much makeup and continually talks about a
} nefarious plot involving the CIA, the producers of the "Brady Bunch",
} an obscure telephone company official, and Lee Harvey Oswald's former
} grade-school girlfriend, Jane, in the Kennedy assasination.  Also,
} your uncle Bernie will show up.  He will (as he has for the past 19
} years) pinch your cheeks painfully and tell you how much you've grown
} since you last saw him.  Not that these people wouldn't be there
} anyways if you told your friends, but your friends would dilute their
} effects somewhat.  So, my omniscient recommendation : Wait a few more
} years until your friends become happier with the idea.  The wedding
} will be so much more fun (have you ever watched a bunch of college
} students used to dining hall food attack a wedding buffet?  See what I
} mean?)
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to stave off the impending collapse of the
} Earth under the gravitational pressure of "Modern Bride" backissues.


270-08    (03741 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and Mighty Oracle to whom I would sacrafice all my CDs,
>
> WHY is it SO HELLISH getting our project report transferred & converted
> from that silly word proc they used on their stooopid IBM clone to a
> PLAIN ascii file that I can LaTeX-ify?  Why did I agree to do it in ONE
> NIGHT!?!???
>
> Please tell me before I explode into a billion bits.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the key word here is HELLISH.  Let me put you in touch with the
} necessary consultants.
}
} > message satan@citadel.hell.com  Hey Scratch!  I think you have a
}   customer here.
}
} ** message from satan@citadel.hell.com at 15:34:07 IST **
} LOOKS LIKE IT, BUT I'M DAMNABLY BUSY RIGHT NOW, WHAT WITH IRAQ AND
} DWIGHT GOODEN'S CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS AND ALL THAT.  CAN YOU GIVE HIM
} THE STANDARD PAPERWORK?  I'LL OWE YOU ONE.  THANX.
}
} Right.  Here's the deal, friend:  The project will get done in one
} night.  In fact, as a special deal, you'll be able to get ANY project
} done in one night.  Your computers will never crash, your disks will
} never go bad, and your latex page breaks will always come out right on
} the first try.  All you have to do is sign this contract.  You'll need a
} pen...ur...can't find one.  Maybe..OOPS.  You've cut your finger!  Well,
} as long as you did, why not sign it that way?


270-09    (03732 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the perfect recipe for spaghetti bolognese?
> I need the answer before I send the question, so please also work out
> the spatial-mechanic-lightspeed equation for sending spaghetti
> intergalactically across the nsfnet-relay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I use my dear mothers recipe, which dates clear back to 1988.  She is
} always finding new ways to use her culinary arts.  With her permission,
} I'll share her traditional secret ingredients and preparation
} techniques:
}
} Ingredients:
}
}       1 20 ounce can of Franco American Uh Oh Spagetti O's
}       1 1-pound package of Oscar Meyer Round Meat Patties
}
} Preparation:
}
}       Open can.  Pour contents into a twelve inch metal cake pan.
}
}       Open (you can use your teeth, if you want to) the package of meat
}       patties.  Lay bologna slices out atop the spagetti, making sure to
}       create a very pleasing to the eye pattern.  (Mom likes to carve
}       funny face expressions in the bologna).
}
}       Cover with aluminum foil, shiny side towards food (dull side out).
}
}       Place in microwave and set timer for 45 minutes.
}
}       Stand back.
}
}       Ha! Ha!  Just kidding!   Place in oven for 20 minutes on Broil.
}
}       Remove from oven, remove foil, and cover with 50 small
}       marshmallows, and top that off with SPAM gelitan.
}
} Serves two.  I reccomend raisin toast as a side-dish, and root beer as
} the beverage.
} v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v
}  ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
} Now, let's get on with this 'spatial-mechanic-lightspeed equation for
} sending spaghetti intergalactically across the nsfnet-relay' delima.
}
} Pay close attention, because I'm going to cover this formula once.
} Quickly.
}
} Takethesquarerootofthetotalnumberofo'sintheaboverecipe,then,multiplyby
} pi.Thatwillbetherandomseedneededtoencrypttherasterfilegeneratedwhenyou
} scanaphotgraphoftheaboverecipe.Remembertocleantheglassonthescanner
} afterwards,thesaucetendstogetreallytoughtoscrapeotherwise.Then,simply
} usethelpr-Plightspeed.
}
} There you are!
}
} You owe the Oracle 3000 cans of Spagetti O's, 3000 packages of bolgna,
} 1200 cases of A&W Root Beer, and a new recipe holder.  Oh, and a new T1
} link to my home.


270-10    (01239 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh great and manly/femmine (depending on the incarnation)
> Oracle,  what is that she thinks of me, this firm
> blonde woman I love so dearly
> ?  Moreover, why can i get my finger to stop bleeding ever since i
> took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges?
> It'll seem ok for a while, but then it starts bleeding again?  Where
> is Mister rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in maddona's
> ne xt video?  Why is it that Men like the curves on women?  Why is the
> sky blue?  Why is the wall blue?  Why is my terminal screen, ohh just a
> second , got my sunglasses on.  Anyway where is kermit the frog now,
> after Jim henson died?  I heard he got into a pretty bad crowd.  Why is
> it that there is dried blood on my keyboard?  Why is the world spinning?
> Why ask why?  Try Bud Dry.  My god, it's full of stars!  What does Mc
> Hammer call his personal organ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > What is that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so
} > dearly ?
}
}       I shall ask her subconscious...  [hiatus] ...mm, I can see why you
} feel the way you do, and from the little tingle I sensed within her when
} I mentioned your name, I know she has strong desires.  Of course, it may
} simple have been the sound of my blessed voice that excited her.
}
} > Moreover, why can i get my finger to stop bleeding ever since i
} > took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges?
} > It'll seem ok for a while, but then it starts bleeding again?
}
}       Mandrines have very long, sharp teeth.  Next time, make sure you
} buy known brand products, and then the cans will more likely to have
} been irradiated to kill the little blighters.  To stop the bleeding, dip
} your finger in the syrup from the can, and say the words `It's full of
} stars'.
}
} > Where is Mister rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in
} > maddona's next video?
}
}       Kenny will no longer be appearing live in concert, he will
} however, appear quite dead in a video clip with Maddona for her latest
} hit "Once, Twice, Three times a Virgin".
}
} > Why is it that Men like the curves on women?
}
}       The male facination with female curvature arises, basically, from
} early childhood experiences with the curves and straights in toy train
} sets.  All young boys quickly learn that you need curves to make
} anything that's worth putting your choo-choo near.  Unfortunately, a few
} souls discover a slight variation, realizing that you can't go round
} with straights.
}
} > Why is the sky blue?
}
}       All of the universe is made up of the primary colours Red, Blue
} and Green in equal quantities (thus, the Sun produces white light, a
} perfectly mixed combination of these colours).  Unfortunately, when
} earth was forming, most of the Blue component (which is lighter, and as
} such rises) bubbled to the top of the atmosphere.  This gives rise to
} the unusual colouring on the earth:  Green and Red living things.  Man,
} for example, is a Red creature.  A grape is a green creature (although
} red ones do exist).  The only Blue creatures are a few birds and fish,
} which worship Blue, and so try to make themselves Good in its light.  A
} similar occurence happens with humans, where many try to look white or
} black, or some other colour, each believing their Colour to be greatest.
}
} > Why is the wall blue?
}
}       Take off your sunglasses.
}
} > Why is my terminal screen, ohh just a second,
} > got my sunglasses on.
}
}       The Oracle is truly all-seeing.
}
} > Where is kermit the frog now, after Jim henson died?  I heard he got
} > into a pretty bad crowd.
}
}       Kermit, the poor Green One (he was high in the Priesthood here),
} was so distressed at Jim's death, that he left his world of good
} friends, and turned to the Dark Toads to seek a reason for his loss.
} Unfortunately, during the initiation ceremony, where frog stand in the
} sun for 4 weeks to turn themselves all dry and warty, Kermit simply
} crumbled to a mass of felt fibres with two little plastic eyes on top.
}
} > Why is it that there is dried blood on my keyboard?
}
}       You are SUCH a slow reader!  Put your finger in the syrup NOW, you
} are losing bloody.
}
} > Why is the world spinning?  Why ask why?
}
}       HURRY!
}
} > Try Bud Dry.
}
}       No!  The syrup!
}
} > My god, it's full of stars!
}
}       Okay, phew, now on with the questions...
}
} > What does Mc Hammer call his personal organ?
}
}       It's just the thing he nails with.
}
} --
} You owe the Oracle a date with the blonde.


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