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19 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:57:29 GMT

Internet Oracularities #280

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280, 280-01, 280-02, 280-03, 280-04, 280-05, 280-06, 280-07, 280-08, 280-09, 280-10


Usenet Oracularities #280    (11 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 24 Mar 91 13:29:27 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

280   11 votes 20621 45110 23420 12251 24320 22340 14411 06302 22322 21800
280   2.7 mean  3.0   1.9   2.5   3.3   2.5   2.8   2.7   2.8   3.0   2.5


280-01    (20621 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   DOE, JANE ANN        [name changed to protect the innocent -sk]
>
> DOE, JANE ANN
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse us, but aren't *We* supposed to be the one
} speaking with sentence fragments and obscure meanings?
} Unless, of course, you are practicing to become an Oracle...
}
} But wait a minute...revelation is near...
} Yes!
} Yes!
} Yes!
} The revelation is at hand...
}
} ------------------------------------------------------
} % rlogin jeopardy.combination_adventure_gameshow.com
} Password: <SajakSux>
}
} Welcome to Jeopardy.
} Here is a list of the rules for the game.
} WARNING: You explicity agree to all disclaimers and waivers
} included in the rules when you begin play.
}
} In Jeop^C
}
} Category, please?
}
} >>> "The Omniscience of USENET" for $100
}
} These are questions dealing with the USENET Oracle.
} The answer is:
}
} > From:   DOE, JANE ANN
} >
} > DOE, JANE ANN
} > Student
}
} >>> What are the names and occupations of any porcine creatures
}     that consult the Oracle?
}
} I'm sorry, but the question is:
} What is the most opaque consultation of the Oracle in March 1991?
}
} >>> consult judges
}
} The judges agree that your question is incorrect.
}
} >>> whine bitterly
}
} Your incessant whining has stopped the taping.
} Security guards are dragging your butt out the door,
} and a standby contestant is taking your place.
} No consolation prizes for you, bucko.
}
} >>> consult lawyers
}
} With the disclaimers you agreed to, doofus, you're
} lucky that the producers of Jeopardy don't sue *you*.
} You owe us $150 for the consultation.
}
} >>> logout
} Disconnect at remote host.
} %
} ------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Alex Trebek.


280-02    (45110 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   STUDENT, JOE           [more name changes -sk]
>
> Why do people say "God bless you" when you sneeze?
>
> STUDENT, JOE
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:   STUDENT, JANE
}
} Howdy Joe!!  I see that you have to do this dumb assignment too!  I
} honestly have no idea why people say "god bless you" when you sneeze.
} Sorry!!!  If you haven't gone on spring break yet, have a great one!!!!!
} Jane.
}
} STUDENT, JANE
} Student


280-03    (23420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My last question to you got eaten over the network.  This got me
> wondering, what sort of messages do networks like most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well now, that is a very good question.  The all powerful oracle
} of course knows the answer, but here's how to find out for yourself:
}
}       1) Remove the connection from the back of the machine...
}
}       2) Place the connection in some bodily orifice (just what Lisa
} loves to do when I am out of town and can only talk to her over the net
} :-)
}
}       3) Meditate strongly on the deep existential meaning of Michael
} Jackson's Thriller Album.
}
}       4) Chant the Mantra "T-C-P ...  IP, T-C-P...IP"
}
}       5) If successful you are now "ONE WITH THE NETWORK"
}
} And the answer should be obvious, since the bodily orifice will now fill
} up with all the messages that the network rejects.
}
} You owe the Oracle some mouthwash and an enima.


280-04    (12251 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise and Literary One,
>    I am working on an English paper and I desperately need to
> know if Shakespeare really said:
>       "It is better to have been laid and left
>        then never to have been laid at all."?
>    thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed he did, but it was a hell of a party.  He said a lot of other
} things, too, like this, proclaimed while considering his fourth dessert
} of the evening:
}
} Tubby or not tubby?  That is the question:
} Whether 'tis nobler in the minds of men
} To suffer the pangs and harrows of NutriSystem
} Or to abdicate, and scarf down more goodies!
} To eat, to swell, perchance to burst -
} A consumption devoutly to be wish'd.
}
} And, just before sliding into a drunken stupor amid the soiled rushes:
}
} A Scotsman by name of MacBeth
} Did his friend and his liege lord to death
} He was left to a life
} All alone with his wife
} Who had dandruff, cold feet, and bad breath.
}
} You owe three sonnets in praise of the Oracle.


280-05    (24320 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE THREE STARS IN A STRAIGHT LINE IN THE BIG
> DIPPER?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moe, Larry, and Curly.
}
} No, wait a minute...  that's not right...
}
} Tom, Dick, and Harry?  Huey, Dewey, and Louie??  Winken, Blinken, and
} Nod??  Matthew, Mark, and Luke??  Maybe Leroy, Melvin, and Jimmy Lee...
} three of the four Teenage Mutant Redneck Turtles (the fourth is, of
} course, Bubba).
}
} Hang on...  let me consult the great tome of worthless information...
}
} <flip, flip, flip>
}
} The names are Melissa, Jennifer, and Crystal.
}
} Hmm...  I think I may have to take up star gazing again.


280-06    (22340 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE STUFF THAT GROWS BETWEEN YOUR TOES WHEN YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN A
> SHOWER IN A WHILE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is an alien life form, a despicable parasite from planet X in the
} Horserear Nebula.  These foul alien fiends invaded the earth many eons
} ago.  for a while they grew uncontrollably and nobody knew how to stop
} them.  Then one day a well known caveman by the name of Og found the
} means to destroy these fiends.  He had been entirely covered in the
} alien slime, which starts at your toes and moves gradually up your body.
} In his pained thrashing and flailing he happened to fall into a pit of
} water, which cavemen usually avoided.  As the water came into contact
} with the alien Fungoids, they dissolved into harmless protoplasmic
} residues (Kinda like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz...).  To his
} surprise, Og was not only saved, but he was a lot cleaner too.  For a
} while he was sad that his favorite weapon had been destroyed.  He used
} to be able to kill a rampaging Allosaurus with his BO from fifty feet
} away.  Soon, he came to the conclusion that it was better to be alive
} than to be coated with mildew parasites.  To his utter horror, the
} Fungoids began to grow again after a day or so.  Thus began the
} primitive life saving ritual that you mortals now know as showering
} and/or bathing.  When you don't bathe regularly, the Fungoids start a
} new assault upon your defenseless bodies and only by subjecting them to
} water and a ritual cleanser know to your people as "Irish Spring" can
} they be destroyed.
}
} You owe the Oracle...  well, just remember:  Next time you send a
} question, use a keyboard/terminal that doesn't just use all caps,huh?
} That really causes eye strain...


280-07    (14411 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the chances that Bobby Knight will coach at Texas A&M ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very difficult and chalenging question, for which the Oracle
} must search deep withing its memory banks. Please hold the line.
}
} (Meanwhile here is some music...dum de dum de dum di-di-di-dum la la la
} la la dee dee dee...
}
} We appologise for this delay, we are continuing with your question...
}
} Oracle: Hey where's my backup memory got to ?
} Priest: I don't know it was here a minute ago.
} Priest2: I just jumped up an stole our delivery lorry!
} Oracle: Oh no, quick chase it, bring me my bike.
}
} Oracle (peddling very fast along the highway): gasp gasp
} Police Officer (on motorbike):  Hey man, whats your game?  You are doing
}         91 mph.
} Oracle:  I'm trying to catch up with my memory, its in that truck up
}         ahead.
} Officer: In that case, I'll stop it for you.
}
} One long police chase all, the way to Texas later...
}
} Oracle: Ah at last , got you.
} Memory: Wow, that was fun.
} Officer: Now listen here, its an offence to park on someones garden.
}
} A door opens and a very annoyed looking coach steps out.
}
} Mr Knight: Oy, you've squashed all of my roses!
} Oracle: Sorry.
} Mr Knight: I'm in a really bad mood now, for when I coach the Texas team
}          tomorrow.
}
} Officer: You have the right remain silent....
}
} Oracle (from the back of a police car): Call my lawyer!
}
} You owe the Oracle $400 dollars in bail money, and a packet of rose
} seeds for Bobby Knight.


280-08    (06302 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O powerfull being, the omniscient ruler of all trivial knowledge,
>       I have a question that I'm sure has no answer. If Mickey Mouse
> is a mouse and pluto is a dog, of what realm of the animal
> kingdom is Goofy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one of the more sordid tales of the Disney saga.
}
} Goofy and Pluto are actually brothers.  They both grew up with Mickey
} Mouse in the 1930s and 1940s, and were heavily into the underground jazz
} that was so prevalent at the time.  That's why you hear so much of it in
} Disney cartoons.  They used to go backstage after the band had stopped
} playing (they WERE television stars, you know) and smoke lots of reefer
} with the musicians (it wasn't illegal back then.) Tinseltown and jazz
} are too much for anyone, and they began to experiment with more drugs,
} eventually building up to what was the hardest hallucinogen around in
} those days -- psilocybin, or mushrooms.  Pluto, sadly, is the victim of
} bad mushrooms.
}
} Goofy and Mickey didn't know what do to.  Goofy still loved Pluto like a
} brother (for obvious reasons), but couldn't take care of him.  And he
} sure couldn't continue his normal acting career.  So they confessed
} their drug use to Walt Disney, who was sympathetic and decided to cast
} Pluto as Mickey's dog.  (Pluto could still handle that much -- they
} didn't need to write a script for him.) And so he was allowed to
} continue his acting career without anyone knowing what had really
} happened.
}
} Incidentally, Mickey turned on Walt to reefer, and that's why something
} like "Fantasia" came out before the '60s.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kilo of Jamaican flowertops and some groovy sax.


280-09    (22322 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ray Moody

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your score on the 500 question purity test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is meaningless.  The Oracle transcends all mundane concepts
} of purity:  An omniscient being has full knowledge of all possible
} experiences, states, and conditions, and is therefore simultaneously
} infinitely worldly and pristinely pure (and knows lots of adverbs).  The
} Oracle has the glorious and goriest details of all possible acts,
} actions, and activities.  And if you don't start including some flattery
} and kowtowing in your questions, the Oracle will start downloading a
} choice selection of that knowledge directly into your brain.  How'd you
} like REMEMBER having twelve gerbils crawling about your large intestine?
} Or being serially raped by gangrenous lepers?
}
} Lisa, on the other hand, has taken all those tests.  Several entirely
} new branches of mathematics had to be invented in order to analyze the
} results.


280-10    (21800 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was going to ask you why is there air, but I remembered Bill Cosby
> already answered that one.  Instead I'll ask you, why is there Bill
> Cosby?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without the semi-almighty Bill, there would be
} a) no answer for the question, "Why is there air?"
} b) no reason for the existence of Captain Kangaroo,
}    since Bill Cosby's "Picturepages" segments are
}    the only thing keeping the show alive.
} c) less abuse of honorary degrees (William H. Cosby,
}    Ed.D.), leading to a renewed interest in actual
}    learning in America, which would be disastrous
}    for the networks.
} and,
} d) A gap in the space/time/net continuum where the
}    question, "Why is there Bill Cosby" should be.
}    cf. _It's a Wonderful Life_.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty acres and a mule.


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