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Internet Oracularities #290

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Usenet Oracularities #290    (20 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 91 10:34:36 -0500

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290   20 votes 27911 0a820 26a20 0d610 02c60 04952 04394 3c311 01658 02972
290   3.0 mean  2.6   2.6   2.6   2.4   3.2   3.2   3.6   2.2   4.0   3.5


290-01    (27911 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Using advanced hyperspatial techniques I have found ways to build entire
> cities and industrial complexes inside my girlfriend's sinuses.  Should
> we open them up for colonization and industrial development?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Until June 16th of this year, the colonization and development of
} sinuses is still legal.  At that time, however, the Sinus Conservation
} Act has stipulated that for every sinus that is populated and developed,
} sinuses of equal size or larger must be cleared.  However, should the
} development be undertaken by a non-profit organization or federal
} agency, a waiver may be granted.  A commision has been set up by the
} federal government to investigate all development of sinuses in the
} western hemisphere, and is loosely referred to as the "Drixoral
} Commission".
}
} Other legal aspects involve the permission of the landowner (in this
} case, your girlfriend) to develope the land, or the sale of said
} property to the developer.  It is not uncommon for developers of
} hyperspatial sinuses to agree to leases with terms ranging from 10 to 50
} years in length.
}
} The recent development of hyperspatial technology has also led to the
} creation of an entirely new market for insurance, which encompasses
} coverage in case of bacterial infection or high altitude.
}
} Before developing your girlfriend's sinuses, you must take into account
} all of these factors, and perhaps more.  The only other help that can be
} offered is that after conducting a survey of 3,000 Americans, it was
} determined that 89% would not consent to allowing the development of
} their sinuses, while interestingly enough, more men would than women....
}
} The Great Oracle of the Southwest has spoken!


290-02    (0a820 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gnarly Oracle, who mighty vowels move with the
> tectonic force of the consonants...
>
> Why I before E?  And why the exception after C?  And what's the deal
> with Y being a vowel/consonant switch hitter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I before E?  What a weird rule that is!  How ancient!  Not very
} scientific.
}
} Y suffers from transvestism, the poor thing.  Don't be too hard on Y.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to get Sesame Street to present the seamier
} side of the alphabet.


290-03    (26a20 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is "LaTeX" pronounced?  I always say "lay-tech" by analogy with
> latex paint, but lots of people say "lahh-tech" or "lat-tech" because of
> Leslie Lamport who at least wrote the book on LaTeX.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The information that follows was to have been in the introduction
} to L. Lamport's book, but was omitted due to an oversight by the
} publisher.  The Oracle, being all knowing and all seeing, saw the
} original draft of the book, and knew the information anyway.
}
} LaTeX was designed by programmer Larry T. Emex while waiting in the
} Los Angeles International Airport for a flight that was delayed.
} Thus the name derives from the FAA abbreviation for the airport,
} LAX.  Since Mr. Emex was waiting in the airport terminal, he called
} his project a Terminal Editor.  The flight was delayed for 10 hours,
} so Emex used the Roman numeral X to designate the time it took to
} write the code.  Thus, LaTeX stands for Los Angeles Terminal
} Editor written in Ten Hours.  The correct pronunciation is,
} therefore, "crud".
}
} You owe the oracle a CPM version of WordStar.


290-04    (0d610 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the nations with the least attractive political systems
> have the most appetizing cuisines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the wealthy snobs in charge of the government must spend their
} money somehow.  Japan, for example has good food and no army.  The
} Soviet Union has mega-troops, and Russian food sucks.  France on the
} other hand, has found the right combination, not too many troops, and
} awesome food.
}
} You owe the Oracle the newest version of the Betty Crocker cook-book.


290-05    (02c60 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail to thee, Oracle, source of Knowledge and Wisdom above all.
>
> May I intrude upon your rapt contemplation of your navel (or whatever)
> to ask you the following question in all humbleness and sincerity:
>
> Who is the Ohm character, and how come he has a Law named for him
> and You don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is one of the more absurd conceits of western science that
} scientists, after having laboriously devise an equation which provides a
} halfway decent approximation to some physical phenomenon, triumphantly
} describe as *their* law, as if they imposed it or something.  Can Newton
} change his law?  No.  Can Planck doubel his constant?  No.  Phooey.
}
} Dr. Ohm is one of the less objectionable of these characters, because
} his name is particularly useful, especially when one is contemplating
} one's navel (though, of course, having sprung spontaneously from the
} forehead of Edsgar Dijkstra, the Oracle has no navel).  He is also
} notable for his younger brother, Mho, who shares world fame with his
} colleagues Lharry and Khurly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a navel.


290-06    (04952 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know the pond in Central Park South?  The one with the ducks?  Well,
> what happens when the pond freezes over in winter?  What happens to
> the ducks?  I mean, does someone come and take them away or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, precisely.  The Central Park ducks are provided and maintained by
} Ornithol Inc., and fully-owned subsidiary of the MacDonald-Douglas
} Corporation, on a $45 million contract from the New York City Parks
} Department.  About six years ago, city parks inspectors noticed that the
} ducks in Central Park were looking rather ratty, and decided that it was
} necessary to develop a hardier, more durable duck, to improve the image
} of the city.  The contract was awarded to Ornithol after fierce
} competitive bidding and it really was just a coincidence that the Parks
} Commissioner's brother is CEO really we promise.  The new $253,000
} CitiDuck (tm) was unveilled last spring at a gala ceremony, marred only
} by the caterer's gaffe in serving duck's liver pate' in the canapes.
} Under the current contract, Ornithol supplies the city with 250 fully
} operational CitiDucks, and provides storage facilities during the colder
} months.  The company is currently working on a new, $34 million research
} contract to develop the S45 "Divebomber" Assault Pigeon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better mousetrap.


290-07    (04394 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Expires Tue Aug 13 13:56:42 1991

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Saccharine organ music swells as masses of flowers of every description
} appear surrounding an open coffin.  The Oracle, wearing a serious
} expression and an ill-fitting, dark suit, walks slowly to the dais.  The
} pews are almost empty.  Four overweight women in identical cheap black
} dresses sit in a pew on the aisle, halfway back.  Lisa sits in the front
} row, displaying slightly more cleavage than decorum might dictate.  She
} is quietly pretending to cry.]
}
} Oracle:  Dear friends.  Dear, dear friends.  We gather together here
} today to honor the memory of our recently departed and much lamented...
} [waves left hand in circular motion]
}
} [As if on cue, the four black-clad women burst into tears, sobbing in a
} perfect minor chord.]
}
} Oracle:  ...friend and frequent petitioner at the altar of the Oracle.
} Knowing him as only an omniscient being can, it was only natural that I
} should deliver the eulogy.  When our slightly putrescent friend expired
} Tue Aug 13 13:56:42 1991, the result of a binge lunch of anchovies and
} strawberry ice cream, he left behind many who shall miss him.  There
} was...  er...  um...  well, perhaps not that many.  But he will be
} missed!!  Who can provide the Oracle with utterly mindless, pointless,
} idiotic questions-and- I-use-that-term-loosely with his unique
} combination of studied inanity and determined banality?  Yes, dear
} friends...
}
} [The chorus of weeping abruptly ends.]
}
} Overweight Mourner #1:  Sorry, dearie, your time's up.  We have to get
} over to Brinkley's for a big funeral at 2:30.
}
} [The four mourners troupe out.  Lisa is fixing her make-up impatiently.
} The organ music ends with a sputter of static.  Two men in white
} overalls enter, close the coffin, and carry it out through a door marked
} "Parts Department".  The Oracle shrugs, and leaves with Lisa on his arm,
} telling her dirty jokes.  She laughs becomingly.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice bequest in your will.


290-08    (3c311 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Vanna White really Janis Joplin in drag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, would that she were...we could strip off the cute-but-stupid Vanna
} face and reveal Janis again...a great improvement.  Actually Vanna
} White is the soul of Elvis Presley put into a female's body, but
} Elvis' memories have been wiped clean, so it doesn't really matter.
} Oh, and the original soul of Barbara Walters has been in every female
} regular on the Today show since she left NBC; the current Ms. Walters
} is animated by the soul of the late Chet Huntley.
}
} Oh, and the Oracle used to be Claudette Colbert.


290-09    (01658 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise oracle, please explain to me,
>
> Why is it that evertime a female describes her relationship
> with me, the word 'plutonic' is always used?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They mean that, like Pu-225, your relationship had a half-life
} of 26 minutes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cyclotomic accelerator.


290-10    (02972 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oD uoyt dnatsrednu siht?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, at last!  Great Ll'otech has arrived!  O Great Ll'otech,
} the priests said that you would announce your arrival with the
} thunderous pronouncement "oD uoyt dnatsrednu siht?" and you have!
} Let the feasting begin!  Light the bonfires!  Dance pagan ritiuals
} around the sacraficed animals!  Work yourself into a lather--
}       Hey!  Wait a sec!  That's just "Do tyou understand this?"
} with each word spelled backwards.  Damn.  I guess Ll'otech hasn't
} come.  Put out the bonfires.  Stop the dancing.  And, hey!  Don't
} feast anymore!
}       Yes, O Supplicant Who Asked a Weenie Question, tI
} tunderstand tthat.  tNow tgo taway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plush Ll'otech doll.  The one where he's
} dressed like a yuppie.


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