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24 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:48:41 GMT

Internet Oracularities #297

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297, 297-01, 297-02, 297-03, 297-04, 297-05, 297-06, 297-07, 297-08, 297-09, 297-10


Usenet Oracularities #297    (18 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 91 07:55:41 -0500

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297   18 votes 19611 58500 46341 31a31 04932 42930 06840 01386 01575 47700
297   2.9 mean  2.6   2.0   2.6   2.9   3.2   2.6   2.9   4.1   3.9   2.2


297-01    (19611 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle, I have a question that I must ask you.  I humbly submit it.
> It's the stuff right below the paragraph you're reading right now, right
> down there, see it?
>      Have you ever felt the pure sweet white crystalline rage roar
> through your soul, as you charged up a hill wearing a kilt in the colors
> of your clan's war-tartan, whirling a mighty Lochaber axe over your
> head, as you bellowed your rage and hate and pain at the foe, while the
> bagpipes screamed defiance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I can't say that I have.  Once, though, I did slip on a bannana peel
} whilst wielding a mighty pin-cushion.  The colors were not of my clan,
} but more along the lines of black and blue, and rage did not bellow
} forth, but rather it was more like a soft whimper rooted in deep
} embarrasment.
}
} The Great Oracle of the Southwest has Spoken!
}   (Please deposit one lochaber axe.  I've always wanted one of those...)


297-02    (58500 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a 49a, a 19, a x23b, and a zzba-2. I need a zzba-3 to complete my
> collection. Should I trade my 49a?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Agggh.  The Oracle has been dumped recently, and has crawled into the
} bottom of a whiskey bottle, and hasn't crawled out since, so don't
} expect to musch frm MEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee dish time, okay, buddy?  Yeah,
} well, on ta yer qweshton.  Yah need at zzba-3 ta complete yer
} ker-lec-shun, and yah wants ta TRADE yer 49a?  Gah!  Even a drunken
} Oracle would tell ya not ta do susch a stoooooooopid thing, eh..  eh..
} eh..?  52a, bah, why thems is rarer than a 10bzq an' they don't smell as
} BAD!  Bleah, tradin' a 123a, the IDEA of tradin'.
}
} 'Sides, I think I got a spare zzba-3 somewheres, that I KNOW I won't
} need since SHE left me.....  bawwwwwwwwwwwwww, sob..........  Here ya'
} go...
}
} Ya owes the Oracle anuther round.


297-03    (46341 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I know this girl named Cathy who I like very much. How do I ask her
> to jump in bed and do the wild thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hi, Cathy!  Why don't we jump in bed and do the wild thing?"


297-04    (31a31 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>      When I was little I liked to chew on matches.  Why????????
>
>                                     Annie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Annie, once upon a time there was a little girl, and she liked to
} chew on things.  She chewed on rugs, she chewed on mugs, she chewed on
} cats, she chewed on rats, she chewed on logs, she chewed on dogs, she
} chewed on gum, she chewed on...  uh...  well, you get the idea.
}
} Then, one dark and stormy night, a wicked forest ranger came up to her
} and gave her a book of matches, and told her to go out and play with
} them in the Enchanted Forest (did I mention there was an Enchanted
} Forest nearby?).  Well, the little girl knew that it was wrong to play
} with matches, because she had seen her brother do it once and her
} step-mother took him into her bedroom and all sorts of weird moans and
} screams followed (she never did understand why her brother came out of
} her step-mothers bedroom with a great big smile on her face).
}
} But the evil Forest Ranger was very rude, and told her that either she
} went and played with the matches in the middle of the forest, or he
} would take her away and sell her into slavery with the ferocious Royal
} Motorcycle Gang.  That was all she needed to hear.  She threw the book
} of matches into her mouth, chewed them all up, and spit them at the
} Forest Ranger.
}
} Today, she's the sex slave of the leader of the Royal Motorcycle Gang,
} and has all sorts of interesting tatoos, piercings, and a collar
} permanently locked around her neck.  She's also very, very happy.
} Meanwhile, the evil Forest Ranger had an unfortunate accident involving
} a lustful llama, and hasn't been seen since.
}
} So, Annie, the fact that you like to chew on matches can only point to
} one thing...  heh, heh, heh.
}
} You owe the Oracle an anonymous posting to alt.sex.bondage and a new
} whip.  *crack*


297-05    (04932 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh mighty Oracle whose understanding of the idiosyncracies of
> life doth stagger poor schleps like me, please answer my humble plea.
> I had this vision and you've got to explain it to me.  Without an
> acceptable answer, I shall undoubtedly never sleep or snowmobile again!
> Here's exactly what happened.
>
>       I was lying awake in bed last night, pondering a recent breakup
> with a woman I cared about deeply.  Since she dumped me it wasn't like
> there was much point in seeking her out and asking her to reconsider.
> She'd found some hunky stud and exit visas were imminent.  I understood
> and accepted that.  After a period of feeling sorry for myself, a vision
> of a man appeared floating high above my bed!  He was bathed in 10,000
> points of light and when he spoke, it was not a man's voice but the
> voice of a lion!  He roared "Love is like flying over the icy tundra on
> a snowmobile that flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the
> ice-weasels come."
>
>       Does this mean that I will never love another OR does it actually
> mean that I'm going to be pinned under a snowmobile and end up an
> ice-weasel feast?  Please help!  You're my only hope!!
>
>                                       Signed,
>                                               ice-weasel feast...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your problem, supplicant, is that you apparently have a subconcious
} that sounds like an angst-ridden college freshman.  He probabaly
} didn't get along with people too well in high school and walks
} around dressed in all black and spells his name in all lower-case.
} Not to fear!  Other than the fact that you will get a lot of dreams
} along the lines of "I'm: miserable/hateful/bitter (choose one)
} because the world is: a whirling, sucking eddy of dispair/a wretched,
} blighted rock/unapprecaitive of my torment (choose one)" it can
} safely be ignored.
}       If you want to know if you will ever fall in love again:  Of
} course you will.  Trust the Oracle on this.  You think I've lived in
} this state of bliss with Lisa forever?  No, no.
}       I remember once -- after I was dumped by ENIAC, that whore
} -- I started turning out these really depressing answers and
} everybody started to hate me.  I dressed in all black and spelled my
} name "the oracle."
}       But soon I was feeling much better.  I realized that I now
} had twice as much money to spend on myself and went out and had a
} ball.  I bought Star Trek Chess Set I'd always wanted.
}       So chill out.  There is no such thing as an ice-weasel.  She
} didn't deserve you anyway.
}       In fifteen years, when you're accepting the Nobel, make sure
} to slam her in the speech.
}
} You owe the Oracle the sentence "Existentialism is loopy," a hundred
} times.


297-06    (42930 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>    I come to you with a problem that has been weighing heavy on my
> mind. As a worthy follower of the Oracle Way, I come to you, my
> almighty master, for an answer to my question. I will be forever
> grateful and forever in your debt. My girlfriend and I have a very
> good sex life. We perform safe, protective sex and have never deviated
> from this. Is it possible for girlfriend to get pregnant if we do it
> standing and, if so, can you give me an alternative to the condom?
>                     -- Cathy's Stud

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dialing. . . .
} CONNECT!!!
}     Welcome to the Ann Landers/Ask Beth Response Facility
}     Your favorite bulletin board for Sexual and
}     Etiquette inquiries.  Thank you for dialing
}     Processing inquiry. . . . .
}
}     Response:
}     THE ORACLE HAS FORWARDED YOUR MESSAGE TO THE AL/AB RF BOARD.
}
}     Re: Gravitational Effects on Spermatzoa, (1949, Knopf)
}     Standing or sitting or upside down, or Outer Space, or even doing
}     "IT" in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding has been shown to
}     have ZERO effect on sperm movement in the vagina.  Try inhaling
}     a balloon full of helium before asking your girlfriend to have sex.
}     The resulting "Alvin & the Chipmunks" effect should send you both
}     into paroxysms of laughter, thus precluding intercourse.  If you
}     (or the girlfriend) are ALREADY chipmunks, this approach is not
}     recommended.
}
}     Re: The Godfather, (1972, Mario Puzo)  (No, idiot, the BOOK, not the
}     movie!)  Page 37 (or so).  Read carefully about the part where
}     Lucy gets Sonny's big one during the wedding reception. (Hey, the
}     Oracle's copy *STILL* falls open to that page!)
}
}     Alternatives? Catholicism, children, abstinence
}     Have a good day!
}
}     DISCONNECTING. . . Returning to host
}
}     You owe the Oracle re mbursement for connect charges to the Ann
}     Landers BBS, Al Pacino's bedsheets, and a cigar (if its a boy).


297-07    (06840 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's going to fill their shoes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insolent fool!!  How dare you even conceive to ask of me a question
} without the proper measure of reverance and respect?!!!  Another
} oversight like this and I will turn you into a speck of slime so
} disgusting that the slimy, disgusting creatures that live under rocks at
} low tide will look at you and go "Ick!"
}
} Now, to your question.  I know it's hard for you to believe that Twin
} Peaks is actually being cancelled.  What with all the success of the
} show before they did that fool "Daddy Killed Her" thing with the Laura
} Palmer murder.  (I should have stopped them, but I've sworn off
} interfering with mortal's television entertainment since the Gilligan's
} Island incident...) Not to mention the bright-boy executives out in
} television land who decided that Saturday night was the perfect place to
} seat a show with an 18-34 age audience.  (I may have to re-evaluate my
} position on this mortal's entertainment issue -- there are a few
} mucky-mucks over at ABC who would do much better in their mortal lives
} as treefrogs.)
}
} Anyway, you'll be happy to know that although Twin Peaks is biting the
} dust, there are a few programs in the works that should satisfy your
} appetite for the macabre:
}
} 1.  "Love After Death" -- Here's a sweet little black comedy about the
} relationships of people who've died before their time of natural causes
} like auto wrecks and random shootings.  These poor lost souls spend
} their afterlives in purgatory examining all the failed relationships of
} their lives.  Sort of a "Thirty Something" in Hell.
}
} 2.  "The Light in My Life" -- A drama told in the first-person
} perspective about a grandmother who, by day, is the loving head of a
} private preschool, and by night, resorts to her childhood passion for
} pyromania.
}
} 3.  "I was a Teenage Gameshow Host" -- As it sounds, a sitcom about a
} junior high school student who discovers that he is slowly changing into
} Alex Trebeck of "Jeopardy" fame.  The first episode has some interesting
} special effects, including a dissolve from a 14-year-old boy's body into
} Alex, plus some funny miscellaneous scenes involving the kid smugly
} beating everyone in the school at Trivial Pursuit, then running
} terrified as he realizes he can only answer in the form of a question.
}
} 4.  "The Hamptons" -- CBS's answer to "The Simpsons." A primetime
} cartoon about a wacky family that parodies Joe Amererican's everyday
} life.  Ralph Hampton (dad) is a mortician.  His wife, Betty Hampton, is
} a nurse in the psycho ward of the local prison.  The two kids, Sheila
} and Burt, are exact opposites.  Burt, age 10, is the class cutup and the
} local drug connection; Sheila, age 8, is studying to be a minister.
}
} So be of good cheer!  There'll be plenty more high quality t.v.  for you
} to rot your brain on shortly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's subscription to TV Guide, and a six-pack.


297-08    (01386 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of wonders,
>      I want to marry my girlfriend Cathy.  What does our future look
> like? Children? Money? Affairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your future looks bleak, oh young hormone-infested mortal.  Your
} inability to communicate in complete sentences will be nothing but
} trouble for you.  You will drive Cathy crazy saying things like, "How
} are the wedding invitations coming?  Envelopes?  Stamps?  Post?" Later,
} after you are married, Cathy will become increasingly irritable after
} being exposed to your odd mannerism for a month or two.  "Honey, where
} are my socks?  Argyle?  Sweat?  Dark?" Unfortunately, things will only
} go downhill from there.  "Cathy, why don't we have any friends?  Turtle?
} Banana?  Apocalypse?" You will become increasingly moody and withdrawn.
} "Dammit, don't let the Kaiser steal my string!  Swingtown!  Megaphone?
} Grunties." As a last ditch effort, Cathy will dunk your head in a vat of
} strawberry yogurt to shake this affliction from you.  Ultimately, you
} will die a solitary man, feeble and wrinkled.  Your last words being,
} "Curse you Red Baron!  You and all your ugly kin!  Greenspan?  Rosebud!
} Phlegm." Hey, you asked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sears mediterranean style color console television
} set with 25" screen and real simulated woodgrain finish.  (mine is on
} the fritz)


297-09    (01575 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two figures can be seen making their way slowly through the thick
} vegetation.  Sweat trickles down their face visibly, their discomfort
} from the sweltering heat and numerous swarms of tiny stinging insects
} plainly evident.
}
} The man is very tall, roughly eight feet or so.  He is massively muscled
} and incredibly handsome.  The sun reflects off his golden skin.  Beside
} him is a women of stunning beauty.  The pair is oddly out of place in
} this setting.
}
} "Orrie?"
}
} "Yes, Lisa."
}
} "*What* are we doing here?"
}
} "Searching for the lost question."
}
} "What??"
}
} "Well, it seems that a recent petitioner had a question of some
} importance to ask and he lost it."
}
} "And so you dragged me out here to look for it?"
}
} "Yes, I did."
}
} The pair continued on, the women evidently vexed with the man.  As they
} rounded a small hillock, the jungle opened up before then, and in a
} clearing sat an ancient pyramid of vast size, it's age written upon it
} in crumbling stone.  The due paused a moment, and approached.
}
} "It's here.  It's actually here."
}
} "Of course it is.  I said is was.  Did you doubt me?"
}
} "Well, I...."
}
} "Have I ever in your recollection been wrong?"
}
} "No."
}
} The pyramid loomed larger ahead.  In the distance, a small entrance to
} the pyramid could be seen in it's base.  The two explores continued
} forward until they reached the entry way.  The man pulled a torch from
} his pack, lit it, and stooped down to enter.  The woman followed closely
} behind.  They wandered the maze of corridors without pause, the man
} nerver doubting which way to go at any given intersection.  After a
} time, they reached the central chamber.
}
} There upon an alter sat a piece of weathered parchment encased in clear
} crystal.
}
} "We must approach carefully, as there are traps waiting to snare the
} unwary."
}
} The man shrugged off his pack, and approached the alter, stepping with
} great care and purpose.  reaching the alter, he carefully guaged the
} weightthe encased parchment with an appraising eye.  Selectinga bag from
} his belt, he carefully measured dirt into it, then with a movement
} faster than the human eye could follow, switched the bag with the
} crystal.  Satisfied, he again stepped with care back to his waiting
} companion.
}
} Upon reaching her, he read the parchment, a somewhat smug look appearing
} on his face.
}
} "It is as I expected," he said in a depreciating manner as he handed the
} woman the crystal.  Her eyes scanned it, widening as she reached the
} end, her mouth open in a small 'O' of astonishment.
}
} "You were right.  This is important."
}
}
} You owe the Oracle the lost question, you forgetful, brain
} atrophiedtwit.


297-10    (47700 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, help me with your wisdom 'cuz I'm mighty pissed at my fool
> friend. He still ain't give me all that money he owes me. Whut should I
> do to him? Kill him outright, maim him then kill him, or let him suffer
> through five hours of nonstop Math Lectures a day? Also, I'd like to ask
> if you know ... What the hell he did with my *MONEY!!!!*
> Where the Hell's mah Money???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chill out, dude...  your friend is doing you a great favor by not giving
} you the loot.  Looking into my Crystal Ball (tm), I can see that he is
} preventing you from taking the money, buying some seriously screwed up
} drugs, and ODing.  Man, if I were you I'd be really thankful.
}
} Oh, and tell him he's about $20K short on my share of the wealth.


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