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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle, I have a question that I must ask you.  I humbly submit it. > It's the stuff right below the paragraph you're reading right now, right > down there, see it? >      Have you ever felt the pure sweet white crystalline rage roar > through your soul, as you charged up a hill wearing a kilt in the colors > of your clan's war-tartan, whirling a mighty Lochaber axe over your > head, as you bellowed your rage and hate and pain at the foe, while the > bagpipes screamed defiance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I can't say that I have.  Once, though, I did slip on a bannana peel } whilst wielding a mighty pin-cushion.  The colors were not of my clan, } but more along the lines of black and blue, and rage did not bellow } forth, but rather it was more like a soft whimper rooted in deep } embarrasment. } } The Great Oracle of the Southwest has Spoken! }   (Please deposit one lochaber axe.  I've always wanted one of those...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a 49a, a 19, a x23b, and a zzba-2. I need a zzba-3 to complete my > collection. Should I trade my 49a?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Agggh.  The Oracle has been dumped recently, and has crawled into the } bottom of a whiskey bottle, and hasn't crawled out since, so don't } expect to musch frm MEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee dish time, okay, buddy?  Yeah, } well, on ta yer qweshton.  Yah need at zzba-3 ta complete yer } ker-lec-shun, and yah wants ta TRADE yer 49a?  Gah!  Even a drunken } Oracle would tell ya not ta do susch a stoooooooopid thing, eh..  eh.. } eh..?  52a, bah, why thems is rarer than a 10bzq an' they don't smell as } BAD!  Bleah, tradin' a 123a, the IDEA of tradin'. } } 'Sides, I think I got a spare zzba-3 somewheres, that I KNOW I won't } need since SHE left me.....  bawwwwwwwwwwwwww, sob..........  Here ya' } go... } } Ya owes the Oracle anuther round.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I know this girl named Cathy who I like very much. How do I ask her > to jump in bed and do the wild thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hi, Cathy!  Why don't we jump in bed and do the wild thing?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >      When I was little I liked to chew on matches.  Why???????? > >                                     Annie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Annie, once upon a time there was a little girl, and she liked to } chew on things.  She chewed on rugs, she chewed on mugs, she chewed on } cats, she chewed on rats, she chewed on logs, she chewed on dogs, she } chewed on gum, she chewed on...  uh...  well, you get the idea. } } Then, one dark and stormy night, a wicked forest ranger came up to her } and gave her a book of matches, and told her to go out and play with } them in the Enchanted Forest (did I mention there was an Enchanted } Forest nearby?).  Well, the little girl knew that it was wrong to play } with matches, because she had seen her brother do it once and her } step-mother took him into her bedroom and all sorts of weird moans and } screams followed (she never did understand why her brother came out of } her step-mothers bedroom with a great big smile on her face). } } But the evil Forest Ranger was very rude, and told her that either she } went and played with the matches in the middle of the forest, or he } would take her away and sell her into slavery with the ferocious Royal } Motorcycle Gang.  That was all she needed to hear.  She threw the book } of matches into her mouth, chewed them all up, and spit them at the } Forest Ranger. } } Today, she's the sex slave of the leader of the Royal Motorcycle Gang, } and has all sorts of interesting tatoos, piercings, and a collar } permanently locked around her neck.  She's also very, very happy. } Meanwhile, the evil Forest Ranger had an unfortunate accident involving } a lustful llama, and hasn't been seen since. } } So, Annie, the fact that you like to chew on matches can only point to } one thing...  heh, heh, heh. } } You owe the Oracle an anonymous posting to alt.sex.bondage and a new } whip.  *crack*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh mighty Oracle whose understanding of the idiosyncracies of > life doth stagger poor schleps like me, please answer my humble plea. > I had this vision and you've got to explain it to me.  Without an > acceptable answer, I shall undoubtedly never sleep or snowmobile again! > Here's exactly what happened. > >       I was lying awake in bed last night, pondering a recent breakup > with a woman I cared about deeply.  Since she dumped me it wasn't like > there was much point in seeking her out and asking her to reconsider. > She'd found some hunky stud and exit visas were imminent.  I understood > and accepted that.  After a period of feeling sorry for myself, a vision > of a man appeared floating high above my bed!  He was bathed in 10,000 > points of light and when he spoke, it was not a man's voice but the > voice of a lion!  He roared "Love is like flying over the icy tundra on > a snowmobile that flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the > ice-weasels come." > >       Does this mean that I will never love another OR does it actually > mean that I'm going to be pinned under a snowmobile and end up an > ice-weasel feast?  Please help!  You're my only hope!! > >                                       Signed, >                                               ice-weasel feast...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your problem, supplicant, is that you apparently have a subconcious } that sounds like an angst-ridden college freshman.  He probabaly } didn't get along with people too well in high school and walks } around dressed in all black and spells his name in all lower-case. } Not to fear!  Other than the fact that you will get a lot of dreams } along the lines of "I'm: miserable/hateful/bitter (choose one) } because the world is: a whirling, sucking eddy of dispair/a wretched, } blighted rock/unapprecaitive of my torment (choose one)" it can } safely be ignored. }       If you want to know if you will ever fall in love again:  Of } course you will.  Trust the Oracle on this.  You think I've lived in } this state of bliss with Lisa forever?  No, no. }       I remember once -- after I was dumped by ENIAC, that whore } -- I started turning out these really depressing answers and } everybody started to hate me.  I dressed in all black and spelled my } name "the oracle." }       But soon I was feeling much better.  I realized that I now } had twice as much money to spend on myself and went out and had a } ball.  I bought Star Trek Chess Set I'd always wanted. }       So chill out.  There is no such thing as an ice-weasel.  She } didn't deserve you anyway. }       In fifteen years, when you're accepting the Nobel, make sure } to slam her in the speech. } } You owe the Oracle the sentence "Existentialism is loopy," a hundred } times.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, >    I come to you with a problem that has been weighing heavy on my > mind. As a worthy follower of the Oracle Way, I come to you, my > almighty master, for an answer to my question. I will be forever > grateful and forever in your debt. My girlfriend and I have a very > good sex life. We perform safe, protective sex and have never deviated > from this. Is it possible for girlfriend to get pregnant if we do it > standing and, if so, can you give me an alternative to the condom? >                     -- Cathy's Stud

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dialing. . . . } CONNECT!!! }     Welcome to the Ann Landers/Ask Beth Response Facility }     Your favorite bulletin board for Sexual and }     Etiquette inquiries.  Thank you for dialing }     Processing inquiry. . . . . } }     Response: }     THE ORACLE HAS FORWARDED YOUR MESSAGE TO THE AL/AB RF BOARD. } }     Re: Gravitational Effects on Spermatzoa, (1949, Knopf) }     Standing or sitting or upside down, or Outer Space, or even doing }     "IT" in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding has been shown to }     have ZERO effect on sperm movement in the vagina.  Try inhaling }     a balloon full of helium before asking your girlfriend to have sex. }     The resulting "Alvin & the Chipmunks" effect should send you both }     into paroxysms of laughter, thus precluding intercourse.  If you }     (or the girlfriend) are ALREADY chipmunks, this approach is not }     recommended. } }     Re: The Godfather, (1972, Mario Puzo)  (No, idiot, the BOOK, not the }     movie!)  Page 37 (or so).  Read carefully about the part where }     Lucy gets Sonny's big one during the wedding reception. (Hey, the }     Oracle's copy *STILL* falls open to that page!) } }     Alternatives? Catholicism, children, abstinence }     Have a good day! } }     DISCONNECTING. . . Returning to host } }     You owe the Oracle re mbursement for connect charges to the Ann }     Landers BBS, Al Pacino's bedsheets, and a cigar (if its a boy).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's going to fill their shoes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insolent fool!!  How dare you even conceive to ask of me a question } without the proper measure of reverance and respect?!!!  Another } oversight like this and I will turn you into a speck of slime so } disgusting that the slimy, disgusting creatures that live under rocks at } low tide will look at you and go "Ick!" } } Now, to your question.  I know it's hard for you to believe that Twin } Peaks is actually being cancelled.  What with all the success of the } show before they did that fool "Daddy Killed Her" thing with the Laura } Palmer murder.  (I should have stopped them, but I've sworn off } interfering with mortal's television entertainment since the Gilligan's } Island incident...) Not to mention the bright-boy executives out in } television land who decided that Saturday night was the perfect place to } seat a show with an 18-34 age audience.  (I may have to re-evaluate my } position on this mortal's entertainment issue -- there are a few } mucky-mucks over at ABC who would do much better in their mortal lives } as treefrogs.) } } Anyway, you'll be happy to know that although Twin Peaks is biting the } dust, there are a few programs in the works that should satisfy your } appetite for the macabre: } } 1.  "Love After Death" -- Here's a sweet little black comedy about the } relationships of people who've died before their time of natural causes } like auto wrecks and random shootings.  These poor lost souls spend } their afterlives in purgatory examining all the failed relationships of } their lives.  Sort of a "Thirty Something" in Hell. } } 2.  "The Light in My Life" -- A drama told in the first-person } perspective about a grandmother who, by day, is the loving head of a } private preschool, and by night, resorts to her childhood passion for } pyromania. } } 3.  "I was a Teenage Gameshow Host" -- As it sounds, a sitcom about a } junior high school student who discovers that he is slowly changing into } Alex Trebeck of "Jeopardy" fame.  The first episode has some interesting } special effects, including a dissolve from a 14-year-old boy's body into } Alex, plus some funny miscellaneous scenes involving the kid smugly } beating everyone in the school at Trivial Pursuit, then running } terrified as he realizes he can only answer in the form of a question. } } 4.  "The Hamptons" -- CBS's answer to "The Simpsons." A primetime } cartoon about a wacky family that parodies Joe Amererican's everyday } life.  Ralph Hampton (dad) is a mortician.  His wife, Betty Hampton, is } a nurse in the psycho ward of the local prison.  The two kids, Sheila } and Burt, are exact opposites.  Burt, age 10, is the class cutup and the } local drug connection; Sheila, age 8, is studying to be a minister. } } So be of good cheer!  There'll be plenty more high quality t.v.  for you } to rot your brain on shortly. } } You owe the Oracle a year's subscription to TV Guide, and a six-pack.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of wonders, >      I want to marry my girlfriend Cathy.  What does our future look > like? Children? Money? Affairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your future looks bleak, oh young hormone-infested mortal.  Your } inability to communicate in complete sentences will be nothing but } trouble for you.  You will drive Cathy crazy saying things like, "How } are the wedding invitations coming?  Envelopes?  Stamps?  Post?" Later, } after you are married, Cathy will become increasingly irritable after } being exposed to your odd mannerism for a month or two.  "Honey, where } are my socks?  Argyle?  Sweat?  Dark?" Unfortunately, things will only } go downhill from there.  "Cathy, why don't we have any friends?  Turtle? } Banana?  Apocalypse?" You will become increasingly moody and withdrawn. } "Dammit, don't let the Kaiser steal my string!  Swingtown!  Megaphone? } Grunties." As a last ditch effort, Cathy will dunk your head in a vat of } strawberry yogurt to shake this affliction from you.  Ultimately, you } will die a solitary man, feeble and wrinkled.  Your last words being, } "Curse you Red Baron!  You and all your ugly kin!  Greenspan?  Rosebud! } Phlegm." Hey, you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a Sears mediterranean style color console television } set with 25" screen and real simulated woodgrain finish.  (mine is on } the fritz)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two figures can be seen making their way slowly through the thick } vegetation.  Sweat trickles down their face visibly, their discomfort } from the sweltering heat and numerous swarms of tiny stinging insects } plainly evident. } } The man is very tall, roughly eight feet or so.  He is massively muscled } and incredibly handsome.  The sun reflects off his golden skin.  Beside } him is a women of stunning beauty.  The pair is oddly out of place in } this setting. } } "Orrie?" } } "Yes, Lisa." } } "*What* are we doing here?" } } "Searching for the lost question." } } "What??" } } "Well, it seems that a recent petitioner had a question of some } importance to ask and he lost it." } } "And so you dragged me out here to look for it?" } } "Yes, I did." } } The pair continued on, the women evidently vexed with the man.  As they } rounded a small hillock, the jungle opened up before then, and in a } clearing sat an ancient pyramid of vast size, it's age written upon it } in crumbling stone.  The due paused a moment, and approached. } } "It's here.  It's actually here." } } "Of course it is.  I said is was.  Did you doubt me?" } } "Well, I...." } } "Have I ever in your recollection been wrong?" } } "No." } } The pyramid loomed larger ahead.  In the distance, a small entrance to } the pyramid could be seen in it's base.  The two explores continued } forward until they reached the entry way.  The man pulled a torch from } his pack, lit it, and stooped down to enter.  The woman followed closely } behind.  They wandered the maze of corridors without pause, the man } nerver doubting which way to go at any given intersection.  After a } time, they reached the central chamber. } } There upon an alter sat a piece of weathered parchment encased in clear } crystal. } } "We must approach carefully, as there are traps waiting to snare the } unwary." } } The man shrugged off his pack, and approached the alter, stepping with } great care and purpose.  reaching the alter, he carefully guaged the } weightthe encased parchment with an appraising eye.  Selectinga bag from } his belt, he carefully measured dirt into it, then with a movement } faster than the human eye could follow, switched the bag with the } crystal.  Satisfied, he again stepped with care back to his waiting } companion. } } Upon reaching her, he read the parchment, a somewhat smug look appearing } on his face. } } "It is as I expected," he said in a depreciating manner as he handed the } woman the crystal.  Her eyes scanned it, widening as she reached the } end, her mouth open in a small 'O' of astonishment. } } "You were right.  This is important." } } } You owe the Oracle the lost question, you forgetful, brain } atrophiedtwit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, help me with your wisdom 'cuz I'm mighty pissed at my fool > friend. He still ain't give me all that money he owes me. Whut should I > do to him? Kill him outright, maim him then kill him, or let him suffer > through five hours of nonstop Math Lectures a day? Also, I'd like to ask > if you know ... What the hell he did with my *MONEY!!!!* > Where the Hell's mah Money???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chill out, dude...  your friend is doing you a great favor by not giving } you the loot.  Looking into my Crystal Ball (tm), I can see that he is } preventing you from taking the money, buying some seriously screwed up } drugs, and ODing.  Man, if I were you I'd be really thankful. } } Oh, and tell him he's about $20K short on my share of the wealth.