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Internet Oracularities #310

Goto:
310, 310-01, 310-02, 310-03, 310-04, 310-05, 310-06, 310-07, 310-08, 310-09, 310-10


Usenet Oracularities #310    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 May 91 16:24:25 -0500

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310   15 votes 06243 05631 22614 51702 23640 27420 15801 21444 13641 10176
310   3.1 mean  3.3   3.0   3.2   2.5   2.8   2.4   2.7   3.5   3.1   4.1


310-01    (06243 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings oh all powerful Oracle. I have a problem, and since your
> wisdom is by far the greatest ever conceived on this planet, I
> humbly ask for your assistance...
>
> It all started three nights ago, when a few of my friends and I were
> playing a Dragonlance(tm) Adventure. Suddenly, a hyperdimensional
> vortex opened in the dorm room and transported us to another realm.
> In this realm, we have all been transformed into the characters that
> we were playing in the game. Now I don't mind not ever being able to
> return to my own world. What I want to know is... how can I get a date
> with this hot Elven babe that's been adventuring with us since we
> arrived?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  Hot elven babes!  I personally once had a thing for hot elven
} babes, but that was before I met Lisa.  However, since I am the
} Oracle, an infinitely cool and spectacularly sexy deity, I usually had
} no problem getting harem upon harem of hot elven babes.  You, however,
} are obviously not as sexually attractive as I am...after all, you were
} playing a Dragonlance(tm) Adventure, instead of a superior game of the
} gods, like, say, Call of Cthulhu--named after my good buddy Bob
} Cthulhu.  Now Bob and I have been seducing, dating, and doing the
} Olympic thing with hot elven babes ever since Hera started keeping
} Zeus away from them (sorry Z-man).  Of course, I have unlimited
} knowledge, and Bob has, well, huge tracts of tentacles.  You, poor
} mortal, lack both.  Worse still, hot elven babes live for centuries,
} while you can only keep it up for a couple of hours at best...
}
} But still, there is hope!  Simply use my superior ORACLE (Orgasmically
} Righteous Attempts to Cuddle Lady Elves)(tm) technique:
}
} -------------------------------DETACH
} HERE------------------------------
}
} You, yes you, are now the owner of the Orgasmically Righteous Attempts
} to Cuddle Lady Elves handbook of the gods.  Now, in the past, you
} might have been subjected to total rejection.  In fact, those luscious
} elven babes may have turned down your puny little mortal pick-up lines
} and struck you with lightning at the same time.  This is bad.  But
} now, you are the proud owner of ORACLE(tm), a handbook of lust and
} bravado which will NEVER FAIL to pick up LUSTY ELVEN BABES!
}
} How to use ORACLE (tm):
}
} Part I:  Identify ELVEN BABE.
}
} Now, your average mortal thinks he has never seen an ELVEN BABE.  This
} is because your average mortal--hell, *every* mortal--lacks the
} superior and supreme knowledge available only to the Oracle (and Bob).
} "What is this superior knowledge?" you ask, begging in your suppliant
} little mortal way.  Well, the superior knowledge which *you now own*
} is what ELVEN BABE really means, that's right:
}
} Easy-Looking...*Very* Easy...Nice Bouncy And Boyfriendless Elf
}
} Part II:  Identify gender of ELVEN BABE.
}
} Being a mere mortal, you might not have realized that many Male Elves,
} as well as Female ones, can turn out to be Easy-Looking...*Very*
} Easy...Nice Bouncy And Boyfriendless Elves.  Since you have not
} specified your own gender in your supplication, I shall assume you are
} neuter.  I am sorry, but there are NO neuter Elves.  Hera had been
} experimenting with the idea for a few years, but Zeus threatened to zap
} all those golden apples of hers with lightning, so she decided maybe
} not. Anyway, if, despite your lack of gender, you have a preference for
} a particular Elf Gender, here is how I, the omniscient, omnipotent,
} omnifornicant Oracle determine it:
}
} I know it!  I know everything!  Ha Ha!!!!
}
} This, however, will not work for you.  If it did, you wouldn't need
} ORACLE (tm).  Here is the ORACLE(tm) method for mortals:
}
} SQUEEZE.  Slowly, Quietly, Undo Each Elven Zipper Erotically.  Do this
} *very* carefully.  I cannot stress enough how carefully you must
} perform the SQUEEZE.  Improper and/or inept performances of the
} SQUEEZE have led to severe injury and/or death.  Ever hear of Sadi the
} Eunuch?  Actually, he's a neuter, just like you.  What an improperly
} done SQUEEZE might lead to in a neuter case is imaginable only by me,
} the Oracle (and Bob, since he administers the punishment), and believe
} me--you want to make *sure* that the SQUEEZE is properly performed.
}
} Part III:
}
} Seduce ELVEN BABE.  This is very difficult....Remember, Elves, with
} their infravision, can tell who's hot and who isn't.  In the event
} that you are mortal, which you are, you are usually not hot...In fact,
} you are *definitely* not hot.  However, ORACLE(tm) provides a
} fail-safe method to make ELVEN BABEs *think* you are hot:
}
} TORCH.  Take Out Ribbed Condom, Human.   Most gods, who are,
} by definition, hot, handle ELVEN BABEs only with the best sexual
} devices around...It is an utter *myth* that Vulcan only got Aphrodite
} by Zeus's command.  Vulcan is the guy who made the vibrator Riff-Raff
} uses on Frank in Rocky Horror.  ELVEN BABEs go *nuts* over Vulcan.
} He's a *wild* man with lots of neat devices.  Besides, he's got pointy
} ears, and he's Ooooh so logical.  You too can cash in on the wisdom of
} the mighty gods.  By taking out a ribbed condom--lubricated to prevent
} friction burn--you will trick ELVEN BABEs into thinking that you are
} actually hot.  This is a good thing.
}
} Part IV:  Survive sex with ELVEN BABE.
}
} Even for the gods, surviving sex with ELVEN BABEs can be difficult.
} This is because their wives always find out.  How do you think Bob got
} all those tentacles?  You, however, have been sucked into another
} dimension, so your wife/husband/neuter s.o. is completely unimportant,
} unless he/she/it is with you at the moment.  If this is the case, you
} may want to purchase MENAGE (Many Elves Naked And Groping
} Everybody)(tm).  This, however, is Bob's idea, and to tangle in
} another god's territory is usually not a good idea.
}
} But let's say your significant other is either non-existent or left
} behind in another dimension...or a vegetable, like the last guy who
} tried to pick up Lisa.  Now, if this is the case, you're in business.
} Just use *lots* of lubrication.  Lack of lubrication will result in
} friction burns that'll make Sodom and Gemora look like snow cones.
} Actually, Sodom and Gemora are the way they are today because there
} were a couple of God's favorite nymphs hanging out in one of the
} public baths with Pubius Al'Ofar, the President of the United
} Sodomites League, and, well, he didn't properly administer the SQUEEZE
} and...the rest is history.
}
} Part V:  Pay the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle the hot elven babe's phone number, a pack of ribbed
} Trojans (unused), and a bucket of KY.


310-02    (05631 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most audacious Oracle,
>
> Please hurry, great Oracle - I am being chased everywhere by four
> zombie processes, and no matter what directory I try to hide in they
> find me. I have tried throwing waits, waitpids, kills, and yes,
> even wildcards at them, but the darned varments just keep on coming
> back at me. I cannot escape - aargh - one nearly got me then - and
> I just killed one by hurling a fortran compiler manual at it (what
> else is it any good for), but  that was my last weapon! What should
> I do great Oracle? Should I take my rm * and commit suicide?
>
>                         Yours in haste,
>
>                                 /usr/distressed/on_last_legs

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lead them carefully to /usr/news.  After they begin their feeding
} frenzy, quietly leave the area.  Garbage to feed them will never stop
} flowing in, so they will never have a chance to finish and start
} looking for you again.
}
} You owe the Oracle your alias for alt.personals.


310-03    (22614 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Where do babies come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Catholics.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Papal audience.


310-04    (51702 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme a question, please tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've often thought that breasts are the best use of fat since bacon.
} Why are they so damn interesting?


310-05    (23640 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omniscient and wealthy of all Oracles,
>  Why was I screwed over once again by the financial aid people,
> such that I can no longer afford to go to school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to provide the most complete understanding of the
} decision-making process, the Oracle will allow you to eavesdrop on the
} thoughts of the financial aid officer who reviewed your case.
}
} Application number 3045... god, I'm bored... well, let's see what he
} wants... self-supporting... decent grades... past history... god, I'm
} bored... and hungry.  I wonder if it's time for lunch yet?  Only 10:45?
} Shit.  I'm hungry.  Maybe I'll go get a doughnut.  No, too fat.  Have
} to stay on the diet.  Coffee?  Indigestion.  Hungry!  Shit...  Forms
} filled out properly...  How many more of these things to go?  That
} many?  Shit. God, I'm bored... Should I approve his request?  No good
} reason not to. Approved the last six in a row, though.  Make a nice
} change to reject one... Pretty new secretary.  Nice ass.  Good legs.
} Ask her to lunch? Wonder if she'd be into... that'd be fun.  Lunch.
} Hungry! ...horny, too. Approve or reject?  Reject, what the hell...
} Application number 3046... god, I'm bored...
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to the Mets/Pirates game.  Behind first
} base, please.


310-06    (27420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really a rat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A rat?  A RAT??  YOU call yourself a RAT???  Take a good look at
} yourself. Go ahead: Take a GOOOOD look.  Does THAT look like a RAT?
} Why, on your best day, in a heavy fog, you wouldn't fool a blind
} drunken flea into taking you for a rat.  Compared to you, rats are
} noble, aristocratic beasts, with high moral standards and a powerful
} self image.
}
} You?  A *RAT*?
}
} Don't make me laugh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better guess.


310-07    (15801 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW     [name changed -sk]
>
> if mary is quite contrary, then how does her garden grow?
>
> CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, RICHARD MATTHEW CALBRAITH, student, it is precisely because she is
} so contrary that her garden does grow!  Indeed, Mary is one of the most
} cantankerous and ornery she-devils in nursery rhyme history.  I remember
} the time she beat up both the Dish and the Spoon, but I digress.  She
} doesn't grow cockle shells or junk like that really.  She grows produce
} in her garden that thrives on conflict.  Not all foliage thrives on
} friendliness and good vibes.  Some waste away if you don't get in their
} 'face' and really harass them.  Sometimes Mary stays up all night
} castigating her onions, telling them that they'll never amount to
} anything.  But she grows the biggest onions in all of nursery land.
} They do it just to spite her.  She's been known to get into the most
} spectacular rows with her rhubarb patch too.  Both sides love to fight.
} They just wouldn't be happy if they didn't.  That's where the term
} 'rhubarb' in referance to a fight or a scuffle came about, by the way.
} So, fighting with one's garden is not as counterproductive as you might
} think.  I think you'd really like Mary, judging by the way you SHOUT
} your name, RICHARD MATTHEW CALBRAITH!
}
} You owe yourself a date with Mary in the near future.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Kitty Kelly's new book about Mother Goose.


310-08    (21444 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW     [name changed again,
>                                         same asker as before -sk]
> oh great oracle tell me of my future in life with the women????
>
> CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene 1.  A clearing in a dense, steamy jungle.  The light is vaguely
} reddish, and the foliage has an otherworldly look to it.  This is not
} surprising, since we are on another world.  Peculiar birds flit from
} tree to tree.  A party of uniformed men enters the clearing.  In the
} lead is CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student, leading this exploration of
} a new planet.]
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student [stopping, and dropping his heavy
} pack] A clearing?  A clearing?  This looks like a good place to break
} for the night, men.  Take five.
}
} First Officer: Shall I post guards, CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student?
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Guards?  Guards?  No, First
} Officer, it doesn't seem necessary.  We've seen no signs of predators.
}
} [At that moment, armed warriors spring out of the forest on all signs.
} Energy bolts fly, men scream with pain, smoke obscures the view.
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student is hit from behind, and all goes
} black.]
}
} [Scene 2.  A cave, richly furnished, and lit by some form of soft,
} artificial light.  CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student lies on a couch.
} He wakes.]
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student [groaning] Oh, my head.  Where am I?
} Where am I?
}
} Voluptuous Woman: You are in the cave of our Queen.
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Queen?  Queen?  Who are you, and
} where are my men?
}
} Voluptuous Woman: They have been taken to other places.  You are to
} remain here.
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Remain here?  Remain here?  What
} does that mean?
}
} VW: You are now the consort of the Queen.  She liked your buns.
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Consort?  Consort?  But what about
} my studies?  My doctorate?
}
} VW: I know nothing of these "studies" and "doctorate" of which you
} speak, but you must forget them.  You shall live here in luxury for all
} your days. And many of your nights.  That is, of course, until you run
} dry.
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Run dry?  Run dry?  What do you
} mean?
}
} VW: Ah, I see you are unfamiliar with our ways.  Our queen is very
} vigorous, and uses up men within a few weeks.  Thereafter, they are
} turned over to the kitchens, slaughtered, roasted and stuffed for the
} royal tables.
}
} CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student [hysterically] Stuffed?  Stuffed?
} You can't do that!  I've got rights!  I'll complain to the dean!!
}
} VW: Oh, be quiet, you twit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good wine to go with your liver, fried with
} onions.


310-09    (13641 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I know I should really flatter you lots and lots, seeing as you're a
> real big deity and all, but, to be honest, I'm just too depressed to
> do all that happy flattering stuff, so I'm just going to ask you my
> question.  Sorry.
> You see, two days ago, this group of aliens landed in my Rice
> Krispies.  Now, I know this is nothing unusual, since Snap, Crackle,
> and Pop have long been known to hang out with extra-dimensional beings
> like Elvis and his ghost.  But the thing is, I can't get these aliens
> to go away.  Yesterday, they started throwing little pickles at me
> during my orgo exam, and today, I caught four of them flirting with my
> girlfriend.  This is bad.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your plight, and just this once I will accept
} depression as an excuse for not flattering me to the extent I truly
} deserve.  However, in the interest of not setting some sort of
} precedent, I'm going to have to toast the next person who attempts the
} "oh, I'm down in the dumps so here's my question" line.  Nothing
} personal.  Just my job.  Got to act professional.
}
} As for the aliens, I'm afraid that your problem is more serious than
} you think. Snap, Crackle and Pop have been on the run from them for a
} long time -- ever since they broke their contract with the Keebler
} Elves (back when the elves worked the Keebler shortbread mines for
} pennies a day, and didn't have enough clout with managment to make it
} into the commercials) and ran off in search of loose Smurfettes.   The
} brass at Keebler, hoping to keep the rest of the elves in line, sent
} out for the 'aliens' you've spotted -- acutally Bounty Hunter Fairies.
} Armed with the same tracking skills that enable the Tooth Fairy to find
} every newly-lost tooth, and lethal magic wands, these Bounty Hunter
} Fairies are very dangerous foes.  This, of course, is what drew Snap,
} Crackle, and Pop to the protection of the all-powerful Kellog Empire in
} Battle Creek, Michigan, a cartel of sugar-dealers.  Not even the Bounty
} Hunter Fairies are willing to cross Tony "The Tiger" and "Toucan" Sam.
}
} Now, if the Fairies are waiting in your place, that's a serious change
} in the corporate balance of power.  It means that Keebler has gotten
} big enough that it can afford to cross Kellog's, and is probably
} willing to challenge it in the lucrative sugar-dealing trade.  Perhaps
} Keebler's has finally cemented some sort of alliance with strongman
} General Mills and his organization, long rivals of the Kellog's clan.
} Hmmm....  Could be an all-out gang war on our hands soon.  Next time
} you pour a bowl of Rice Krispies and Snap, Crackle and Pop show up to
} do their thing, they'll get rubbed out by the Bounty Hunters, leading
} to reprisal after reprisal in an unending spiral of violence.
}
} So I recommend switching to Quaker Oatmeal.  Once the Fairies realize
} that Snap and co. won't be showing up, they'll take off.
} Unfortunately, so will your girlfriend, since she's taken a liking to
} them and their magic wands. Then tip of Kellog's, so they realize what
} the Fairies are up to.  This should head off any destructive gang wars
} in the near future.  So cheer up a bit.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 kilos of powdered sugar, and a vial of rock candy.


310-10    (10176 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, please grep your vast stores of knowledge
> and answer my query:
>
>    I have been helping my girlfriend with her computer assignments,
>    but now she has me stumped.  I've learned VMS for Vax, and CMS for
>    IBM, but she tells me she's having trouble with PMS.  Can you
>    enlighten me as to what platform PMS runs on, and what notable
>    features it provides?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you need to understand a little Latin.  There is suffix form
} that uses -gina for the feminine and -x for the masculine.  The
} best-known words following this format are the Latin words for
} king and queen:  rex and regina.
}
} Hence we deduce that a vax is actually a masculinized vagina.
} And hence we deduce that PMS is to the vagina what VMS is to
} the vax.
}
} VMS and PMS have pretty much the same features, as anyone
} familiar with both could tell you.  Both are prone to trouble-
} some emotionalness, and alarming mood swings.
}
} It should be noted that VMS was created mostly by men, and
} that these men often acted as if they were suffering from a
} "virtual menstrual syndrome."  They made highly emotional
} decisions, like not putting in some great TOPS-20 features
} because they were thought up by somebody in another part
} of DEC . . .
}
} One popular operating system that doesn't suffer from cyclical
} hormonal syndromes is Eunuchs.


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