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Internet Oracularities #326

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Usenet Oracularities #326    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 91 13:46:32 -0500

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326   15 votes 23163 02445 34422 18411 61440 12453 34512 02247 12372 25350
326   3.1 mean  3.3   3.8   2.7   2.5   2.4   3.5   2.7   4.1   3.5   2.7


326-01    (23163 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the fink that was so dank as to think that he could thank the
> blinking skink and wanking crank in this think-tank (where those who
> wink are those with rank) without a dink, without a spank?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                       March 5, 1966
}
} Comrade Skanksky,
}
} Your literary production has been reviewed by the Committee for
} Socialist Poetics of the Semipalatinsk branch of the Soviet Writers'
} Union and has been found to contain grave flaws, the nature of which
} are both aesthetic and political. The most serious are discussed in
} detail below; it is the expectation of the Committee that you will
} correct these errors; when you have done so, you are invited to submit
} the corrected product to the Committee for Socialist criticism. In this
} way you will be lead to produce true Socialist poetics.
}
} As to the specific flaws:
}
}       1)      Use of the word "Who" to begin a poem which is, in truth,
}               one extended interrogatory sentence, could lead
}               unsophisticated comrades to incorrect conclusions.
}               Remember, Comrade Skanksky, that while the role of the
}               progressive poet in bourgeois societies is to question,
}               thus preparing the intelligentsia for the coming of the
}               Revolution, the role of the Soviet poet is to instruct.
}               Tell them who, do not ask.
}
}       2)      Use of the word "fink" is strictly proscribed from the
}               canon of Socialist poetics. The term is of Zionist
}               origin; in addition, its use is associated with the false
}               trade unions in some Western countries, and is
}               inadmissable in our Soviet life. Indeed, hooligans have
}               sometimes applied this term to members of our heroic
}               Committee for State Security!
}
}       3)      The word "dank" as you have used it here, smacks of the
}               bourgeois poetic deviation of Imagism, and is
}               incompatible with Socialist poetics.
}
}       4)      The word "think" is only to be used in association with a
}               specific, Marxist-Leninist thought; adherence to this
}               elementary principle of Socialist poetics is sadly
}               lacking here. You have shirked your responsiblity for the
}               politcal education of the Workers, Comrade Skanksky.
}
}       5)      The word "thank", as you have used it here, suggests
}               conspiracy with foreign banking interests. This is the
}               second Zionist influence in the poem; this is troubling,
}               and has been referred to the Semipalatinsk office of the
}               Committe for State Security.
}
}       6)      The phrase "the blinking skink and the cranking wank" is
}               clearly obscene. Comrade Skansky, the Workers have no
}               time for such bourgeois decadence! Perhaps your
}               privileged position as an Assistant Cyberneticist has led
}               you to lose sight of proletarian values? Perhaps a more
}               proletarian task would further your development as a
}               Socialist poet.
}
}       7)      The foreign neologism "think-tank" is an obvious
}               reference to the American Central Intelligence Agency.
}               This is not a violation of Socialist poetics in itself;
}               in fact, the Committee thinks that it is the most
}               promising and progressive feature of your poem. However,
}               you do not show proper diligence in developing this
}               theme. Remember that the great V. Mayakovsky wrote: "the
}               tireless enemy never sleeps." You must be equally
}               tireless in denouncing the CIA, Comrade Skanksky!
}
}       8)      It is the unanimous opinion of the Committee for
}               Socialist Poetics that the clause "(where those who wink
}               are those with rank)" is patent anti-Soviet slander.
}
}       9)      The phrase "without a dink, without a spank" is another
}               example of dabbling in Western decadence and obscenity.
}
} In conclusion, Comrade Skanksky, the Committee for Socialist Poetics
} thanks you for allowing us to criticize your literary product. We hope
} that you will strengthen your development of progressive themes, as
} indicated in point 7 above, and purge it and all other literary works
} undertaken by you of political and aesthetic error. We expect to see a
} corrected draft soon.
}
}                                       Yours in Fraternal Socialist
}                                       Struggle, U. F. Oracle
}                                       Commissar of Prosody
}                                       Soviet Writers' Union
}                                       Semipalatinsk Branch
}
} P.S.:         You will be contacted by the Committee for State
}       Security, regarding a series of remedial classes in
}       Marxism-Leninism. We believe that this will aid in your
}       development as a Soviet Poet.


326-02    (02445 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose very robes I could not touch without suffering
> at least unending torment in the nethermost depths of hell, or at
> least a few minutes in a microwave, who walks with the Gods and even
> is invited to play Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them every Thursday,
> whose swim towel is a hoopy shade of mauve, who looks so unlike a
> beetle as to possibly be called the anti-beetle, whose dog can dance
> in 15 different languages at the same time, who can type upon the
> keyboard in such a sensual manner as to make the terminal groan in
> throes of happiness, who if he was to write a book would recieve all
> kinds of neato awards even before it was finished, who has an infinite
> number of supplicants to throw lightning at whenever the wish strikes
> him, who knows all the puns, and who appears as a burning coke can
> that is not consumed when he deigns to appear at all to the most
> foolish moratls that are forever asking his infinite and spiffy
> advice, would you please, please, with great mounds of sugar and a
> cherry with gobs of whipped cream and whatever other sweet topping
> your greatness wishes for and enjoys on top, tell this poor
> supplicant, who has no knowledge when stood next to you, whose soul is
> forever doomed to walk the earth with a slight itch in a hard to reach
> place because it was bold enough to bother you, whose dog has trouble
> walking and panting at the same time, who doesn't even own a
> bath towel or a washcloth, who at just the thought of thinking about
> the possibility of letting the thought of considering the Oracle in
> all his greatness must immediately fall down upon the earth and chant
> "Hey Nonny Nonny No" many many times to keep from being struck just
> plain silly, why do you require so much grovelling and such before a
> question, though I do not question your judgement, which I know is far
> beyond anything I have ever encountered, making all the knowledge of
> the Earth through all of history look like something that you probably
> wouldn't even stub your toe on in the dark, even though that isn't a
> very good analogy, since you would never stub your toe, as that would
> imply some fault on your part, which is obviously impossible, but just
> for the sake of the analogy, which of course, coming from one such as
> me, is vastly inferior to any analogy or even any sound you might
> utter after stubbing your toe, is not very good, but might be kept
> anyway, and though I want to end this poor mortal's request soon, I
> really have no idea what punctuation mark to use, so I'll probably go
> with an ellipsis, since that would imply that I might have gone on a
> bit, and grovelled some more before stopping, as I think I will right
> now, though if it displeases you, Oh Great One, I will stop, as I am
> such a poor worm crawling on, nay, below the dirt, and I would never
> want to or even consider annoying you in any way, SO I will stop now,
> hoping against hope that my small smidgin of knowledge is enough to
> know if I have not grovelled to little or to much, and likewise for
> praising thy great name, so I'll just drift off now...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you repeat the question?


326-03    (34422 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh ORACLE whose wisdom is more immense than george bush's
> ability to deceive the american public:
>
> wherefore art intel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Comrade Nodagain, I have broken into the Amerikan defense computers.
} Shall I reprogram them so they can't fire their missles when we launch
} our nuclear strike?"
}
} "Of course Comrade Standin, that was the plan, no?"
}
} <Typity-type-type-clickity-click-click>
}
} "There, we are in"
}
} "What does it say?"
}
} "It says, 'wherefore art intel?'  Perhaps this is some new security?"
}
} "What else does it say?"
}
} "It mentions the great prowess of the Amerikan president!  They are
} on to us!"
}
} "Quick you fool, log off immediately!"
}
} --------------------BEEP---------------------


326-04    (18411 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who truly knows what is good in life, I was just
> wondering:
>
> In a fight between Batman and Superman, who would win?  What if Batman
> and Superman teamed up against Mike Ditka and the Chicago Bears; who
> would win then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is vital when considering such questions to realize that Batman
} and Superman, under most circumstances, never appear together.  So any
} hypothetical fight between them would naturally be the result of a
} wholly fictional event, and thus entirely up to the writers, unlike
} their usual adventures, which always turn out for the best as we both
} know.
}
} However, if the Oracle were to write the epic battle, it would not only
} be jolly exciting, but the eventual victor would be (wait for it!)
} Robin. Robin, you say?  Yes, Robin.  It has always been My view that
} Robin is in fact the force behind Batman.  Ever since he changed from
} Adam West to Michael Keaton, there has been a certain something missing
} from his character, a certain panache, a certain style, a certain...
} appeal, and I firmly believe it is due to the missing presence of his
} young ward. You see, while it was never revealed to the general public,
} the Oracle sees all, and it is clear to me that Robin was the real
} crimefighter fo the two, but due to his diminutive stature, hired
} another to be the 'front' for his activities, to draw fire and impress
} the locals, you know.  At any rate, he certainly didn't give all his
} secrets to Batman; that would be foolish.  In fact, despite his lack of
} the other-worldly powers enjoyed by Superman, with his gadgetry alone
} he was a formidable opponent.  While I can't go into specifics for
} obvious reasons, Robin was technologically far ahead of his time, and
} is more than a match for Superman.
}
} As for Mr. Ditka and the Bears, such a contest would depend largely on
} the location and the time of year in which the contest took place.  The
} Bears would not be in training during certain times of the year, and
} would feel out of their element were they not in a stadium or a bar.
} Mr. Ditka himself, of course, would not participate, but rather would
} act in his customary role as a noncombatant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of Bears comic books and season
} tickets to the Superman/Batman games.  Or something like that.


326-05    (61440 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    oh oracle most spiffy who never cesses to amaze even 7-11 store
> managers. tell me...
> why do birds fall down from the sky
> every time you walk by?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      just like me
}       they long to be
}       close to you.
}
} you owe the oracle a package of breath mints


326-06    (12453 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and sensitive yet politically-correct Oracle, why is it that
> men are required to flirt with me over email, accidentally say
> something insulting, and then get all whimpery and sad and think
> they're completely socially incompetant when I tease them about it?
> It's happened twice today.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Oracle
} Apprenticeship Program.  Has everyone done the reading assignment?
} Yes?  Good. And have you had a chance to look over the sample question?
}  Yes?  No?  Some trouble? Ok, let's put the overhead up and look at it.
}
} <Lights dim. Projector on.>
}
} "As you can see the question contains an appropriate salutation, 'Oh
} wise and sensitive, etc. etc.' and is followed by a relatively short
} question concerning men who get whimpery and sad when they're insulted.
}  Now, would anyone like to take a whack at it?
}
} <Several hands wave>
}
} "Yes, you in the third row."
}
} "Well, obviously the letter is written by some obnoxious babe who loves
} to flirt with these guys and build them up so she can knock them down.
} I think it would be appropriate for a real crusher of an insult to put
} her in her place."
}
} "Yes. Well, while that may or may not be true, your answer doesn't
} really fall under 'wise and sensitive'.  Also, the writer may not be a
} woman.
}
} <Class mumbles>
}
} "Ok, ok, I admit that the writer IS probably a woman, but it wouldn't
} be politically correct to simply assume that, and the writer did
} address the Oracle as 'politically correct'.  Sometimes those
} salutations come back to haunt you.  Also, if you want to be considered
} the 'all-knowing' Oracle, it's best not to get tripped up on the small
} details.
}
} <Class marvels>
}
} "One of the options open to the Oracle is to trip the writer up on the
} writer's own small details. Can anyone show me how that might be done
} with this question.  Yes, you in the 6th row?"
}
} "The way the writer spells e-mail as 'email'?
}
} "Well, you might possibly get a smile out of that one.  But I was
} looking for something else.  Yes, you in the 5th row eating the
} sno-cone."
}
} "The way the writer uses the word 'required'?"
}
} "Good!  Yes. The writer says, '... men are required to flirt with
} me...'. This opens the door to a number of jokes.  Maybe a joke about
} how some colleges have strange requirements.
}
} <Students laugh>
}
} "Any questions?  Yes, you in the scuba suit."
}
} "Oracle, how would you have answered this?"
}
} "Me?  This is only a beginner's class.  When you get more advanced
} you'll learn how to simulate Unix logins or write some detective
} fiction or put down a poem or a top-ten list.  My personal favorite is
} to create a fictional dialog that treats the questioner as a third
} party, without ever actually answering the question.
}
} <Bell rings>
}
} "Well that's it.  For next class, please read chapters 4 and 5 and do
} the problem sets."
}
}             ------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle a pamphlet on political correctness, you stupid
} bimbo.


326-07    (34512 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please tell me -
>
> Why does my peanut butter keep sticking to the roof of my mouth ?
>
> Thank you in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would rather it stick to the backs of your knees?
}
} You owe the oracle a case of Jif and Peter Pan.


326-08    (02247 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is subliminal sexual advertising a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               In  spite
}                            of the seeming
}                           benefits      to
}                           the   advertiser,
}                          in  the   form   of
}                          short-term increases
}                          in sales and product
}                             attractiveness,
}                           subliminal   sexual
}                          advertising should be
}                          avoided as a marketing
}                          tool.  The  inevitable
}                          long-range effect is a
}                          permanent  association
}                          in the consumer's mind
}                          between the product and
}                          the  foulest  of sexual
}                          perversions.    It  may
}                          require years and a cost
}                          of millions  of  dollars
}                         to restore to the product
}                         line  a  wholesome  image.
}                         Consider the  case of  the
}                         Coca   Cola    Corporation,
}                    which has incorporated sexual imagery
}                  into its soft drink advertisements without
}                shame or hesitation for several decades.  From
}              the early seventies scenes  of  nature-worshipping
}             bra-less flower children rolling in the grass to the
}            nineties bikini-clad  breast-joggling beach volleyball
}           players, Coca Cola's promotional spots have never varied
}          from  their slut-filled  crotch-worshipping  skin-flashing
}          hormone-driven norm. As a result, today Coke finds itself in
}          dreadful straits.  Some 78% of all women between puberty and
}          menapause admit to dildoing with an ice-cold bottle of  Coke
}           at least once per  week (and  many as often  as four times
}            daily), but only 4% still drink  the soda  inside that
}               bottle.    Since a single  bottle can  service a
}                  healthy young woman for several years without
}                     suffering in quality, Coca Cola has put
}                        itself in  an      unenviable
}                            business        posture.
}
} You owe the Oracle what comes to mind.


326-09    (12372 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh for heaven's sake--don't bother me with these requests.  Get a
} forked stick and walk around until it pulls downward, then dig there.
}
} Sheesh.


326-10    (25350 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle, who selflessly and at no small personal
> expense beams the unscrambled Playboy Channel signal to impoverished
> third-world nations, please plunge me into the bright light with an
> answer to the following question:
>
> A box of "Good & Plenty" contains both pink and white candies.  Are the
> pinks the "goods" and are the whites the "plenties"?  Or is it the
> other way around?
>
> Thanks in advance for the answer, and thanks for just being you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you've got completely the wrong idea.
}
} The candies (both pink and white) are "plenty", 'cause there's plenty
} of them. The box is "good", because it contains far more nutritional
} value than the candies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signal booster for those nations set in valleys.


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