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Internet Oracularities #338

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338, 338-01, 338-02, 338-03, 338-04, 338-05, 338-06, 338-07, 338-08, 338-09, 338-10


Usenet Oracularities #338    (15 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 21 Aug 91 10:34:25 -0500

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338   15 votes 03561 24531 14415 00339 22434 25242 23712 05523 32541 31623
338   3.2 mean  3.3   2.8   3.3   4.4   3.3   2.9   2.9   3.2   2.9   3.1


338-01    (03561 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HIGHLIGHTED ADS
> Desperatedly looking for a gentle, beautiful, nice, cute, silent,
> humble, blond, green-eyed, careful, honest girl, ready and wishful to
> contract marriage with me. Candidates please call 0976-23-654 for the
> blow job test.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will now peruse the Oracular Database of Beautiful, Blond,
} Single and Suitably Desperate Women.  Hmm, only three entries.  How
} odd.  Well, let's see...
}
} |Divorced White Female, 65, blond hair, seeks younger man (age not
} |important; preferably 17-22) for friendship and more.  Let's recapture
} |the youth I once had.  Enjoys knitting, shuffleboard, antiques, and
} |wild screaming sex in dumpsters outside expensive restaurants.
} |Looking for that special someone to fill the gap in my life.
}
} No, I don't think that one's quite right for you.  Ah, here's the next
} one...
}
} |Asian ladies seek handsome men for friendship, marriage.  For this
} |month's catalog, send $9.95 to SUNSHINE INTERNATIONAL, PO Box
}
} WAIT!  STOP!  How did this get in here??  I know they already advertise
} in every men's magazine in the known universe, but I thought we had
} escaped them!!  I must have a word with our Personals editor...
} {fzzzzt....THOOM!!!}
}
} [We interrupt this Answer to bring you this special Oracular bulletin:
}  HELP WANTED!  Need enthusiastic, intelligent supplicant for position
}  of Personals Editor at Oracle, Inc.  Mail resume to:
}    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
}  And now, back to our Answer.]
}
} Let's see now, here's the last entry:
}
} |Single White Female, 21, wishing to contract marriage.  Gentle,
} |beautiful, nice, cute, silent, humble, blond, blue-eyed, careful,
} |honest, and ready.  Loves giving blow jobs.
}
} Well, that looks promising...but...no, she doesn't have green eyes.
} I'm sorry, but the Oracle can't connect you with the girl of your
} dreams at this time.  Please query again, and don't forget the Oracle's
} other exciting services:
}
} o Women's anonymous confessions to the Oracle!  For women ONLY.
} o A woman's point of view...as simulated by the Oracle!
} o One on one chat with someone just right for you...selected by the
}   Oracle!
} o And of course, the Oracular Dating Database!  Remember, hot sexy
}   women who would never give you the time of day if you met them on
}   the street are WAITING TO MEET YOU!
}
} You owe the Oracle $5.00 for the first minute, and $2.95 for each
} additional minute.


338-02    (24531 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Wise Oracle,
> Oh Great and Wise Oracle,
>
> .When you say that the Lord was saying things which you would not say,
> .what do you mean?  Were these utterances antithetical to your beliefs
> .and way of thinking?  Or were they merely expressed in language which
> .you normally don't use?  Alternatively, did these utterances exhibit
> .knowledge of which your conscious mind was not then aware?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If _you_ want to say, "_I_ am the Lord your God, you shall have no
} other gods before me," in the same room as the Big Guy, feel free.
}
} As for me, I was happy with my two cents: "That's a good one. Put it up
} near the top."


338-03    (14415 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Great Oracle who would never spend more than $1 for a beer in a
> bar, I plead that you answer this question.
>
> What is the statistical forumla for determining the likelyhood of a
> woman being a cheap slut in relation to how big her hair is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am shocked and offended by your question!  Have you been asleep for
} the last 5 years?  Do the words "politically correct" mean anything to
} you?  Let me rephrase you question in more acceptable terms.
}
} "Systematically Enhanced Oracle who would never exchange more than one
} unit of United States currency for a grain alcohol based beverage in a
} pre-family oriented recreational establishment, please exchange an
} answer for a corresponding quantity of non-denominational gratitude.
}
} What is the statistical formula for building a correspondence between
} a womyn who has hair of mass and a womyn who is financially or
} asexually challenged?"
}
} Let me get back to you after I figure out what you asked.


338-04    (00339 dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, All-Knowing, Master of all which is Oracular, Please tell me
>
> How much work would a network work if a network could network?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Come with me, my child. Give me your hand."
}
} "Where are we going?"
}
} "I am going to show you the answer to your question."
}
} "Where is the answer?"
}
} "At the end of this hallway. Come."
}
} "Is it far?"
}
} "Not very far. Just past these doors. But you must promise not to
} open the doors into any of the rooms."
}
} "Why?"
}
} "Behind these doors are very unpleasant sights. There are people who
} have lost their minds."
}
} "How did that happen?"
}
} "There are many paths that lead to the same place. Behind this door is
} a man who cannot speak, except to whisper, 'How many charts would a
} flowchart flow, if a flow chart could flow charts?'"
}
} "How terrible!"
}
} "And over here is a woman, a mother of three small children, whose
} mind has seized on a question and will not let go."
}
} "What is that question?"
}
} "'How many pounds would a footpound pound, if a footpound could pound
} pounds?'"
}
} "But what does that mean?"
}
} "No! Never ask yourself that! It leads to madness."
}
} "Where do these questions come from?"
}
} "They are the bastard spawn of an unholy union between a woodchuck
} and the demons of hell."
}
} "How do they get inside someone's head?"
}
} "I will not even speak of the mantra to you, my innocent. But I warn
} you: do not search for the answer, for it will find you."
}
} "Who is behind this door?"
}
} "One who muses, 'How much news would new taxes tax, if new taxes knew
} tax news?'"
}
} "I am beginning to see. It begins as a word game, doesn't it?"
}
} "So it is said."
}
} "You just pick a word, any word, like 'synod.' And spin out the
} question. 'How many nods would a synod sin, if a synod could sin nods?'
} This is what happens, is it not?"
}
} "I am afraid so."
}
} "Why, it's quite fun. And quite harmless. How can one be so foolish
} as to become obsessed with such nonsense?"
}
} "There is no fool but whose folly seems wisdom."
}
} "What a dreary hallway you are leading me down. How many ways would
} a hallway weigh, if a hallway could weigh ways?"
}
} "I beg you, for the last time, do not ask such questions."
}
} "You are much too serious a person, I think. How much work would a
} network work if a network could network?"
}
} "We are almost there, my child."
}
} "Wait a moment. I'm serious. How much work would a network work if a
} network could network?"
}
} "Here is the room. The answer to your question lies in here."
}
} "I don't want to know the answer to that question. I can barely
} remember that question. I want to know how much work would a network
} work if a network could network?"
}
} "The answer to that question, too, lies in here. Enter."
}
} "Where? Where is the answer? There's nothing here but a bed and a
} window, high up on the wall. What will tell me the answer?"
}
} "I must go now."
}
} "Wait! Don't close the door! You must tell me. How much work would
} a network work if a network could network?"
}
} "Goodbye, my child. I am....very sorry."
}
} "Don't leave. Or go. Go if you must! But first, tell me, how much work
} would a network work if a network could network?"
}
} "Goodbye."
}
} "How much work would a network work if a network could network? How
} much work would a network work if a network could network?....
}
} "Oracle?....
}
} "....ORACLE....!"


338-05    (22434 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O rotund one,
>
> If an Oracle oracularizes all those who do not oracularize themselves,
> who oracularizes the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: If a barber in a small town cuts hair for everyone and not for
}    himself and if he is the only barber in the town, who cuts the hair
}    for the barber?
} A: The barber is bald.
}
} I am omniscient and I have no questions.


338-06    (25242 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name starts with "M", has six letters, and I pick up things. What am
> I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Mother".


338-07    (23712 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Wise Oracle,
> Who put the bomp in the bomp-du-bomp-du-bomp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as you obviously don't know you silly mortal, the real origin of
} the phrase is from a French count, Bompe duBompe of Chantilly Lace.
}
} Now it is a fairly well known fact that the previous Count duBompe was
} a rather odd man, who liked to dabble in just about any hobby you can
} guess. Well, Count duBompe ran into a gentlemen by the name of Simone
} dePaul-Simone and got rather involved in a conversation on music with
} the chap.  It turned out the Simone was headed to Brazil to play around
} with some neat rythyms (note the new official Oracle spelling) that
} he'd heard coming off some of the ships returning from there.  Anyhow,
} duBompe was rather intrigued by all this and asked to join
} dePaul-Simone on his rather lengthy journey.
}
} It was in the wilds of Brazil that duBompe wound up being exposed to
} all sorts of exciting rythyms and opted to become a drummer for the
} London Symphony Orchestra at Rio.  Unfortunately, his career was
} destined to be a short one, as the conductor never made it over on the
} boat from London.  DuBompe, saddened by his loss of stardom as a
} timpany drummer packed his bags and got on the boat.  One of his few
} friends saw him off and duBompe thought the person was saying "BOMPE!
} DUBOMPE! BOMPE DUBOMPE!"  It turns out, his friend was being hysterical
} over a bomb placed in duBompe's bag.  Months later, duBompe's wife,
} then 8 months pregnant heard the story.  Distraught, she named her
} child Bompe duBompe in memory of this sad affair.
}
} Bompe duBompe grew up in the normal manner and was soon cavorting the
} world as his father had once done.  (The Almighty Digressive Oracle is
} getting to the point, now pay attention)  Bompe ran in to the young
} Morse, who was busy trying to make up a nifty way to have people
} communicate over long distances. Bompe duBompe's name gave Morse the
} incredible idea of assigning each letter of the alphabet some
} combination of the words bompe and du.  Bompe was pleased at this
} discovery and started blabbing it all around.  Unfortunately for Morse
} (who later wound up using beeps and boops) a musician found out about
} the discovery and threw it into one of his up and coming overtures.
} Mr. Tell therefore is given the credit for the introduction of the
} bompe du bompe du bompe into society, while the actual Bompe came into
} being from an old family name.
}
} It's really all rather interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Morse does the William Tell overture.


338-08    (05523 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose existence is beyond comprehension, please
> tell me...
>
> Is it true that there's always room for Jell-O?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, my son, there is always room for Jell-O.  The explanation is
} complex, requiring some knowledge of four dimensional nature of time,
} time-space geometries, string theory, and lime-green food coloring.
} For me to give this knowledge to you, who only has two semesters of
} freshman calculus to go on, would be disasterous.  I will find another
} way to explain it.
}
} If you've ever watched Dr. Who, and you've noticed that the inside of
} the Tardis is much larger than its outside (a puny Police Call Box),
} than you can grasp the fundamental nature of the substance of Jell-O.
} Most people think gelatin is simply ground horse hooves.  Not so!  It
} has transtemporal properties that cause it to fold up inside itself
} when ingested so that it has negative volume.  Lime-green food
} coloring, which is used even when red Jell-o is desired, prevents the
} Jell-o from forming a negative mass within a person which would be
} equivalent to creating a small black hole as positive mass fills the
} space.  Thus it can be seen that moderate amounts] of Jell-o with out
} lime-green coloring can be used in an effective weight loss program,
} explaining your culture's use of the substance as a dessert, and not as
} an energy source.  But then to each species his own. <stupid humans>
}
} You owe the Oracle 4 tonnes of Jell-o and lime-green catalyst (FD&C
} yellow #1)


338-09    (32541 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Still I wonder,
> Still I wonder,
> Who'll stop the rain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "God!"
}   "Yeah, mom."
} "Are you going to stop the rain down there on Earth?"
}   "Now?  Awww mom... do I have to?"
} "I seem to remember a certain little deity promising never to let it go
} beyond forty days."
}   "I've still got some time.  The rain'll do 'em good.  You know
}   there's a water shortage in California. They'll appreciate this."
} "But it's not raining in California, it's ra..."
}   "Well of course not, moTHER - if it was, there wouldn't be a water
}   shortage, now, would there.  I swear, sometimes you are so dense I can
}   hardly..."
} "Just so long as you get to it soon.  After all, a promise is a
} promise."
}   "Yeah, let me just finish reading this letter.  Someone wants me to
}   create something to rhyme with the word 'orange'.  Something about
}   a song she's trying to write."
} "You will stop the rain _soon_, right?"
}   "Sure mom."
}
} After a lot of procrastination, god's mom will end up doing it.  But
} who's going to snag all the credit?  Yeah, right.  You owe the Oracle a
} newspaper.


338-10    (31623 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, so we already knew that Gorbachev was ill.  And now the Prime
> Minister and the Minister of Defense are ill too.  What do they have?
> Is it catching?  Bush and Baker were there just a few weeks ago; are
> they going to get ill too now?
>                                       Signed, Worried

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, do to the global importance of this issue, I visited the
} various leaders involved to check out their health, and they
} didn't really seem to have anything that
} *achoo*
} sorry that
} *achooo* *cough*
} that serious
} *ack* <thud>
}
} Is the Oracle dead of the knew OAIB (Only Affects Important Beings)
} plague?  Tune in next week to find out...


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