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18 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:06:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #339

Goto:
339, 339-01, 339-02, 339-03, 339-04, 339-05, 339-06, 339-07, 339-08, 339-09, 339-10


Usenet Oracularities #339    (17 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 91 08:34:23 -0500

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339   17 votes 22634 58220 22544 07541 15353 00476 12833 43640 24560 45350
339   3.0 mean  3.3   2.1   3.4   2.9   3.2   4.1   3.3   2.6   2.9   2.5


339-01    (22634 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Great ovoid-headed Oracle who could even eat sauerbraten with a
> straight face, I beg of you to answer my question.
>
>     What is the difference between sodium and sodomy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are not different, my child, for they are both a salt.
}
} That was cute, you owe me nothing.


339-02    (58220 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is JoAnn Worley going to replace Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey Lisa!  Come and look at what this dork's asked!
}
} - OK, could you untie me first?
}
} Right ... don't slip on the mayonnaise ...
}
} - Mmmmmm, JoAnn Worley?  Whore-ly, more like ... d'you think she'll
} - really get the better of scrummy little me?
}
} Well ...
}
} - Oh come on Oz, what do you think?  Surely she isn't able to do THIS
}
} <gulp>
}
} - or THIS ...
}
} <cough>
}
} - or THIS and THIS at the same time ...
}
} <choke> You shouldn't talk with your mouth full - not that I care ...
}
} - how about THIS then?
}
} What are you doing with that hamster?  Oh just a second ...
}
} ... Hi geek, the answer to your question is not if I can help it.  You
} owe the Oracle your unauthorised biography.  GERONIMOOOOoooo....


339-03    (22544 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It is now crystal clear that "Bob" manifested himself for a *purpose*,
> namely the elimination of a devilish plot to reinstate that most
> Slackless system, the Soviet Communist Party. While the hurricane was
> subgeniously reprogramming Skippy Bush in Kennebunkport, frop was being
> surreptitiously introduced in the Kremlin, causing the conspirators to
> have a sudden urge to visit Tibet.
>
> Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but the two events are related.
}
} Hurricane Bob was Attorney General Dick Thornburgh's swan song, an
} attempt to silence reporter Bob Woodward, who is putting the pieces
} together after the Department of Justice iced that reporter in Virginia
} a few weeks back. The plan was to use the hurricane generators the
} Pentagon built with funds diverted from AIDS research to either kill
} Woodward outright or frighten him into silence. The hurricane, of
} course, missed, but the buzz is that by Helen or Ignatz, the system
} will be perfected. There's some talk that Woodward is going to Colorado
} until this whole thing blows over, so to speak, but even so the
} Mid-Atlantic states are in for a wet season.
}
} The failed coup in the Soviet Union was sponsored by PepsiCo, which
} feared increasing competition from Russian capitalists against its
} Pizza Hut franchises already open in Moscow. By restoring a hard-line
} communist dictatorship, PepsiCo hoped to retain its virtual monopoly on
} tasteless junk food in the USSR. As you know, the plan backfired, and
} though Pepsi may come out of this without the details becoming
} generally known, Russian Federation President Boris Yeltsin is likely
} to try to break his endorsement contract with Pepsi.
}
} The relation between the two events is, in a macroscopic example of
} Heisenberg's principle, you. Now that you know about these plots,
} neither the federal government nor PepsiCo will stop at anything to
} kill you before you reach the New York Times.
}
} You owe the Oracle -- oh, never mind, you won't get a chance to send
} it, anyway.


339-04    (07541 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Lightning struck as the shaking college student stumbled upon the
> ivory steps of the oracle's domain.  From the darkness above, a
> thundering voice echoed: "SPEAK THE QUESTION."
>      "Oh Oracle most wise most powerful most awesome most cool most--"
>      "JUST SPEAK THE DAMN QUESTION."
>      "Of course, oh Oracle most wise most--"
>      "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
>      The bumbling, stammering student finally uttered, "Why do donkies
> float in wooden cabinets?  Eaheaheah . . . !!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Toto has pulled the curtain, and the humble old man
} behind it has given up trying to fool anyone.
} He apologizes to all for being too demanding,
} and then turns to the student...
}
} "You are an inquisitive soul, wanting to know the deep
} secrets of the universe.  Of course, spelling is nice, too...
}
} "But because of your good heart, I will help you.
} What makes you different from all those who *know* why
} donkeys float in wooden cabinets?
}
} "Are they smarter than you are?  No.
}
} "Do they have some magic insight into donkeys that
} you don't? No.
}
} "They have the *scientific method*.
} They get water and alcohol, cabinets both wooden and metal,
} donkeys and burros of all ages, and they *experiment*,
} asking themselves how they can prove that one factor
} or another is the reason why...what did you day...
} oh, yes, that donkeys float in wooden cabinets.
}
} "Do you need to go to school to learn the scientific
} method?  No.
}
} "Do you need libraries to read about the great methods
} of your scientific predecessors and the latest discoveries
} by your peers?  No."
}
} "What you need is a fancy lab and some profound
} grant proposals.  I have what you need right here,
} the deed to some unused scientific laboratory space
} in Iowa, and grant proposals guaranteed to to get money
} from the most stingy of government review boards.
}
} "May you be the most productive, most innovative of scientists.
} Now go home."
}
} And the old man kicks the dog and exits to the next room.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of magic slippers.


339-05    (15353 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> blessed oracle of the enlightenment, o great oracle of
> miraculous oracularity, wondrous oracle that keeps the
> light on in the fridge after the door is closed, can you
> answer the small, insignificant question of a minimalist
> mortal who only seeks to hope to aspire to perhaps
> be given the honour of sniffing your armpit in gratitude?
> i need to know...
>
> what can you say about a world that thinks God is dead but
> Elvis is alive?
>
> seeking enlightenment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recent archaeological expeditions to Las Vegas and Nashville speak for
} themselves.  Translate from Aramaic, here are
}
} The Ten Elvish Commandments
}
} I am Elvis thy King, which have brought thee out of the land of swing,
} out of the house of drudgery.
}
} 1. Thou shalt have no other teen idols before me.  Thou shalt not make
} unto thee any wax record, or any likeness of any music that is in
} heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water
} beneath the earth, unless it is music that I hath brought to thee.
} Yea, for every CD, tape, yea, even every LP and 8-track tape that I
} have brought to thee is the only musical representation that thou shalt
} have.
}
} 2. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any other idols, nor go to their
} concerts; for I Elvis am a jealous King, visiting the iniquity of the
} mothers and fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth
} generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of
} them that love me, and buy my records and momentos, and watch my
} movies, and keep my commandments.
}
} 3. Thou shalt not the name of the King in vain; for the King will not
} hold them guiltless that taketh his name in vain.  They shall toil for
} ruthless promotion companies and be forced to write novelty songs for
} all their days.
}
} 4. Remember the sabbath day, and keep it free for movie screenings and
} recordings of Elvis thy King.
}
} 5. Honour thy father and thy mother, but don't be a mama's boy.
}
} 6. Thou shalt not kill.
}
} 7. Thou shalt not be cruel to a heart that's true.
}
} 8. Thou shalt lay off thy neighbor's blue suede shoes.
}
} 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, for it is
} not a cool thing.
}
} 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy
} neighbor's wife, nor his car, nor his surfboard, nor his promoter, nor
} his prescription drugs, nor his ass, nor his pelvis, nor any thing that
} is thy neighbor's.
}
} You owe the Oracle an issue of the National Enquirer.


339-06    (00476 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't they name planes more interesting things than F1 or 747?
> If they called the B2 the Batplane would Congress be more likely to
> fund it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well.  I see that you are using your ignorance as a shield
} against the sword of good judgement.  Perhaps a vice-presidency is in
} your future -- but that is not what you asked me, is it?
}
} The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some
} thought that this name might send the wrong message to US Armed
} Forces pilots.  A compromise was made by naming the aircraft
} after the nearest key to the "Escape" key on the Oval Office
} keyboard.
}
} There is a similar story for the naming of the 747.  Boing was
} going to call it the "666", that is until the marketing department
} vetoed it.  A compromise was made by subtracting 2 from the middle
} digit and redistributing it to the first and third digits, thus
} disguising the Number of the Beast while keeping its palindromic
} and digit-sum properties.
}
} The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane".  This had
} to be changed after a trademark dispute -- it seems that after
} the release of the hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane"
} name was given to the company that manufactures the cheap plastic
} toys that come in McDonald's Happy Meals.  The name "B2" was then
} chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to congress.
} Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move.


339-07    (12833 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o oracle that has more hairs than your average college frat boy,
> why is it that between a six-pack of Dannon Lite Yogurt and your
> average "guys night out", the yogurt has considerably more culture?
>
> seeking enlightenment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is quite simple.  The yogurt has more culture because
} bacteria are generally smarter than most men.  Think of these
} questions, and you may be enlightened.
}
} * Do bacteria ever order "genuine draft" bottled beer in a bar?
} * Do bacteria ever think bowling is fun?
} * Do bacteria spend countless hours watching football?
} * Do bacteria ever join the Army to learn a useful skill?
}
} You owe the Oracle some antibiotics.


339-08    (43640 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TO:    Mr. Oracle
> FROM:  The Terrorists Inc. (TM)
> SUBJ.: Lisa has been kidnapped by our organisation!
>
> Hey Oracle, listen up!
>
> We have kidnapped Lisa and if you want to see her again you'd better do
> what we tell you.
> First of all: NO PRESS, NO POLICE, NO DEITIES, nothing at all!
> You just send us a real shitload of money (we won't bother about
> a billion more or less, just make sure that there are billions...).
> We'll contact you after having received the money and tell you where
> you can find Lisa.
>
> Regards
> The Terrorists Inc. (TM)
>
> PS: All major credit cards are accepted.
>
> PPS: If you don't trust us wether Lisa is still alive or not, read the
> following transscript of a recent conversation at our hideout:
>
> [Lisa] ORAAAAAACLE!!!!!!!!
> [Terrorist #1] Now shut up! He can't hear you.
> [Lisa] ORAAAACLE HEEEEELP!!!!
> [Terrorist #2] Let's gag her.... now ... ok.
> [Lisa] mmmmhhmhmmmdmdfmhhmhmdfffmgm!!!!!!
> [Terrorist #1] FINALLY! Now we can take some rest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, ok.  Here's a shitload of money: $hit.


339-09    (24560 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to punish the leaders of the failed Soviet Coup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make then talk to Johnny Carson for three hours.


339-10    (45350 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this "Nimoy" person?
>
>       USS Enterprise
>       Admiral Spock, commanding

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He was a man who disappeared in 1993, when he went "In Search Of--Jimmy
} Hoffa."
}
} You owe the Oracle an Archangel strike, at grid coordinates DF
} 1223731282, right goddamn now, before the Klingons overrun my position.


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