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25 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:28:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #340

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340, 340-01, 340-02, 340-03, 340-04, 340-05, 340-06, 340-07, 340-08, 340-09, 340-10


Usenet Oracularities #340    (10 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 25 Aug 91 12:23:08 -0500

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340   10 votes 01522 04600 03421 22510 03520 25210 02620 31042 13420 00136
340   3.0 mean  3.5   2.6   3.1   2.5   2.9   2.2   3.0   3.1   2.7   4.5


340-01    (01522 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose . . . er . . . well . . . this is my
> problem:  Where do I learn to grovel properly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you DO seem to have a problem there!  Lord knows, anyone that
} can't grovel effectively is at a real disadvantage these days!
}
} Let me see....I can think of ten really good ways to learn the art
} of grovelling, most of which you can probably afford.  They are:
}
}   1. When you get your next set of tax forms, get yourself a big red
}      crayon and write "EXEMPT" in big letters across it. Seal
}      carefully, mail, and expect to start grovelling real soon.
}
}   2. The next time you pass a biker bar, try to re-create those
}      hilarious scenes they always have in movies where the twenty
}      motorcycles all fall over like dominoes.  You'll die laughing,
}      and you'll be amazed at the grovelling technique you pick up
}      doing this.
}
}   3. The next time your wife/girlfriend seems to be mad at you for
}      some unknown reason, instead of trying to figure out why, just
}      say "Honey, have you gained weight?"  Get ready for a trip to
}      grovel city!
}
}   4. When a cop pulls you over and asks to see your license, look
}      him straight in the eye and say  "Are you SURE you want to see
}      my license, bucko?"  Sometimes you won't even need the "bucko",
}      but better safe than sorry.
}
}   5. Call up the local kung-fu school, tell them your address, and
}      then tell them that you are POSITIVE that Bruce Lee was
}      actually a woman and you STRONGLY SUSPECT that all kung-fu
}      types are too.  This one will have you grovelling with the best
}      of them in no time!
}
}   6. Order a copy of Dan Quayle's upcoming autobiography,
}      "Grovellers Like Me: How to Get the Job You Want by Really
}      Begging For It"
}
}   7. Sit yourself down in front of your TV, get a good IV going, and
}      watch 72 hours of the "Home Grovelling, er, _Shopping_
}      Network". An acceptable substitute would be the local public
}      television station during "pledge week" , though I'd make it
}      183 hours of that.
}
}   8. Move in next door to a professional wrestler, call up Dominos
}      Pizza and have four hundred and twelve pizzas delivered to his
}      house, and then go over there and tell him you figured that was
}      the only way a human could _maintain_ a gut the size of a
}      Volkswagen Beetle.
}
}   9.     <reason number 9 temporarily out of order...sorry!>
}
} And, (drumroll, please) the EASIEST and BEST way to learn the
} "art of the grovel" is:
}
}  10. Read some of the other posts, you bonehead!!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle one prescription for a jumbo tube of "Carpal
} Tunnel Syndrome" medication, and a new keyboard.
}
} pkf


340-02    (04600 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think that people of high rank should be larger than ordinary people.
>  So, like, a mayor should be about eight feet tall and weigh 300
> pounds, and a senator should be about twelve feet tall and weigh maybe
> 700 pounds, and President Bush should be about thirteen feet tall and
> just under two tons. How can this best be accomplished?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Rewrite the job requirements, including your height and weight
} preferences and getting rid of the species restrictions. Grizzly bears
} would make fine mayors, at least as good as Sonny Bono. Resurrect the
} Bull Moose party and run a bull moose for the Senate. Since the G.O.P.
} already has a stranglehold on the presidency, why not an elephant?
}   As for enlarging George Bush himself, just set him next Dan Quayle,
} John Sununu, and whoever the Democrats run in '92. He'll seem plenty
} big.


340-03    (03421 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous Oracle, do tell me this, please.  How could I get into
> Yale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Well, ye foorst moost break the law, and then ye will
} be arrested.  The nice officer should take ye to Yale.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Swedish meatball, wearing crotchless panties.


340-04    (22510 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now, how will a rich man get into heaven?  And then, how will I become
> a rich man?  And, after all, how will I avoid getting cramps in my
> intestines while getting rich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to get a rich man into heaven.  (the back door method)
}
} Use your amassed riches to perfect a method of shrinking the human body.
} Then, using this newly developed technology, have yourself placed into
} the stomach of a handy camel and pass him (and yourself) through the eye
} of a needle.  Now you and the camel should be in the kingdom of God.
} Wait for the camel to eliminate you from it's body and use the
} technology to once again regain your former size.  Let the camel worry
} about the intestinal cramps.
}
} (if you achieve this, you _deserve_ to enter heaven, rich man or not.)
}
} The Oracle wonders whether even heaven is worth this mode of
} transportation.


340-05    (03520 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who cureth hangnails with a bounce of the baton, answer this I
> beseech you....
>
> Do I need a license to carry a staple gun in Massachusetts? And by the
> way, what _is_ it about that Paul Tsongas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Child,
}
}  You do not need a license to carry a staple gun, provided it is not an
} electric staple gun. If it is an electric model, you must obtain two
} licenses, one for the gun and one for the staples. You are not
} permitted to carry the electric staple gun inside Boston city limits,
} but it's Okay in Maulden provided you are not near the T. You are
} required to go through a seven day cooling off period, after which your
} genitals are checked. If they are cool enough, you may purchase the
} electric staple gun. You are not permitted to have an extension cord at
} the same time. If at any time you violate local code with your staple
} gun, the gun will be removed by the local city counsel and you could
} face a substantial fine. A violation of local code could be anything
} from stapling something to the thighs of an overweight woman to putting
} up posters which are deemed obscene - say the Monkey's Reunion Tour.
} Remember, electric staples guns don't kill people. People have to kill
} people by stapling all of their orifices shut and waiting a surprising
} length of time.
}
} For a small historical note, under the "Willy Horton Amendment", you
} can freely purchase a fully automatic, dual clip, gas powered, military
} issue M-16 with Laser Sight and authentic "Desert Storm" camouflage
} paint and two extra banana clips for the low low price of $49.95,
} provided you are a recent felon out on furlough and completely
} psychotic. There is no license required, no cooling off period, and you
} get a dozen James "The Bear" Brady targets thrown in, if you are one of
} the first one hundred customers. Be the very first on your block to be
} convicted of a violent crime then let go because our criminal justice
} system is too harsh and you really need to find your space, then roam
} the streets, killing anything that moves with your new Massachusetts
} Issue Automatic Assault Rifle (did I mention the bayonet ? ). Add that
} special touch to the nearest public school playground, and just in time
} for Christmas !
}
} Paul is a sensitive child, going through some difficult times. He needs
} to locate his inner self and get in touch with his feelings. If that
} doesn't work out, we'll try lots of ludes. Have a nice day, and be
} careful out there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a poke in the whiskers with Mom.


340-06    (25210 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, I beg of you:
>
> Will Rogers?
>
> Or WON'T Rogers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He'll try, but he can't.


340-07    (02620 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold-400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was that good idea I had again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had planned to get half a dozen guys together, get the army and the
} KGB, make Mikhail hand over power to you all, and then set up a USSR of
} peace, prosperity, freedom, wild sex, and spiritual enlightenment.


340-08    (31042 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Most Powerful Oracle, whose voice is like Thunder,
>      tell me the answer to the question that troubles my mind:
>
>      Is K-Y jelly made in Kentucky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wah SHOOOORE it is, boy, SHOOOOR it is!  Y'all come right over HEEuh by
} me, an' set yuhself down heah on the veRANda, an' ah'll tell y'all
} about it. Have a Mint JU-lep?  Recipe's been in mah family for 10
} generations!  Ah say, TEN generations!  Aaaaaah!  That shoor does make
} body feel to home, don't it?  Ah say, DON'T it?!  Listen tuh me when
} ah'm talking to yuh, boy! (This boy's a few bricks short of an
} outhouse, if yuh get mah drift.) What's that yuh say, boy?  KY Jelly?
} Wah of COURSE that's made in KenTUCKy, boy, of COURSE it is.  Mah
} grand-pappy BEAUregard made KY Jelly all his born days, and never
} regretted it for a moment!  A good God-fearing occupation for a good
} God-fearing man, that's what grandmammy allus said. What's that you
} say, boy?  Homo-who?  Anal WHAT!?!!?
}
} Sirrah!  Y'all have insulted mah GRANDpappy, and heah on the very
} verandah that he built!  Ah shall have no choice but to hosswhip you
} like the carpet-baggin' scoundrel that you are!  Now, lemme see,
} wheah'd ah leave that hosswhip?  Hmmm... hossradish?  hosschestnuts?
} coolwhip?  AH!  Heah 'tis.
}
} Boy?  BOY!?  Ah say, WHEAH'D YOU GIT TO, BOY?!?
}
} Hrmph.  Young'uns t'day got no respect for 'thority!
}
} Y'all owe the Oracle three tubes of blue-grass flavor K-Y Jelly.


340-09    (13420 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best position described in the Kama Sutra ??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best position is "Assistant bathmaiden to the god Kama," which --
} aside from the usual Celestial pay scale (which is, well, heavenly) and
} the benefits package (which include next-life insurance), has some
} rather interesting perquisites.


340-10    (00136 dist, 4.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When, where, how, why, and what?
>
>                           -Guillermo P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise.
}
}                               -Oracle T.U.


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