} Well, you DO seem to have a problem there! Lord knows, anyone that
} can't grovel effectively is at a real disadvantage these days!
} Let me see....I can think of ten really good ways to learn the art
} of grovelling, most of which you can probably afford. They are:
} 1. When you get your next set of tax forms, get yourself a big red
} crayon and write "EXEMPT" in big letters across it. Seal
} carefully, mail, and expect to start grovelling real soon.
} 2. The next time you pass a biker bar, try to re-create those
} hilarious scenes they always have in movies where the twenty
} motorcycles all fall over like dominoes. You'll die laughing,
} and you'll be amazed at the grovelling technique you pick up
} doing this.
} 3. The next time your wife/girlfriend seems to be mad at you for
} some unknown reason, instead of trying to figure out why, just
} say "Honey, have you gained weight?" Get ready for a trip to
} grovel city!
} 4. When a cop pulls you over and asks to see your license, look
} him straight in the eye and say "Are you SURE you want to see
} my license, bucko?" Sometimes you won't even need the "bucko",
} but better safe than sorry.
} 5. Call up the local kung-fu school, tell them your address, and
} then tell them that you are POSITIVE that Bruce Lee was
} actually a woman and you STRONGLY SUSPECT that all kung-fu
} types are too. This one will have you grovelling with the best
} of them in no time!
} 6. Order a copy of Dan Quayle's upcoming autobiography,
} "Grovellers Like Me: How to Get the Job You Want by Really
} Begging For It"
} 7. Sit yourself down in front of your TV, get a good IV going, and
} watch 72 hours of the "Home Grovelling, er, _Shopping_
} Network". An acceptable substitute would be the local public
} television station during "pledge week" , though I'd make it
} 183 hours of that.
} 8. Move in next door to a professional wrestler, call up Dominos
} Pizza and have four hundred and twelve pizzas delivered to his
} house, and then go over there and tell him you figured that was
} the only way a human could _maintain_ a gut the size of a
} Volkswagen Beetle.
} 9. <reason number 9 temporarily out of order...sorry!>
} And, (drumroll, please) the EASIEST and BEST way to learn the
} "art of the grovel" is:
} 10. Read some of the other posts, you bonehead!!!!!!!
} You owe the Oracle one prescription for a jumbo tube of "Carpal
} Tunnel Syndrome" medication, and a new keyboard.