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Internet Oracularities #378

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Usenet Oracularities #378    (20 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 11:11:45 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

378   20 votes 01397 13c31 16742 05951 38540 03962 04a51 12089 23762 03575
378   3.3 mean  4.1   3.0   3.0   3.1   2.5   3.4   3.1   4.1   3.1   3.7


378-01    (01397 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (cross-posted to rec.guns)
>
> What is the season, out-of-state license fee, and bag limit on ex-wives
> in the state of New Hampshire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you have to say the magic words.
}
} "Uh, abracadabra?"
}
} No, try again.
}
} "Oh, I know.  Please?"
}
} No, but you're getting closer.  Try again.
}
} "Great Oracle, please answer the question of this lowly mortal who is
}  not worthy to sniff your shoe trees."
}
} Now you got it.  I shall answer.
}
} The traditional season is late fall, after the leaves have fallen.  The
} lack of foliage makes them easier to spot.  License fees are usually
} minimal, and the limit is one ex-wife per day (although mormons are
} allowed up to three).
}
} Let us follow the brave hunter into the forest, to witness this
} exciting sport.
}
} He quietly creeps up to a tree, which looks out on a clearing.  He
} positions himself behind the tree, quiets his breathing, and gently
} pulls out the ex-wife call.  He blows into it and the sound of
} "alimony! alimony!" echos through the woods.  There!  What was that?  A
} rustling from the bushes a ways down.  He sees some sparkles of light
} and figures it may be another hunter, so he holds his fire.  But now
} the creature steps out of the cover and he can see that the sparkling
} is the diamonds given to the ungrateful bitch months before by her
} husband.  He aims and prepars to fire... but holds, as he sees she is
} not alone.  There are large, shambling forms accompanying her -
} lawyers!  It is not unexpected for an ex-wife in the wild to be
} surrounded by one or more of these parasites, but it is always a
} surprise to see them.  He aims again and fires!  Damn, hit a lawyer.
} That's ok though, it's always open season on lawyers and there's no
} limit.  But now the others are scattering.  *BLAM* He quickly fires
} again and this time hits the target!
}
} Now that he has killed the ex-wife what will he do with it?  Many men
} quickly stuff and mount their kills, but trust me stuffing and mounting
} is much more fun with a live woman.
}
} So there you have it.  You should keep in mind, of course, that similar
} fees and limits apply to the hunting of ex-husbands, so be sure to wear
} something bullet proof.
}
} You owe the Oracle 50% of your posessions, unless you remembered to
} draw up a pre-question agreement.


378-02    (13c31 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a word that describes sexual longings toward pregnant women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gaah. ANOTHER supplicant who doesn't grovel. I've half a mind to start
} squashing your types like the insolent bugs you are...
}
} However, to get to your question: Yes, Virginia, there is a word that
} describes sexual longings toward pregnant women. This word is
} "gravidasty".
}
} There are several theories about what motives cause gravidasty.
} Currently, the most prominent school of thought is that the perpetrator
} of gravidasty has an overwheming ambition to get his pregnant partner's
} picture splattered all over the front pages of the National Enquirer,
} Weekly World News, and other papers of that ilk, along with an
} appropriate headline: MY BABY WAS BORN PREGNANT! MY HUSBAND(or PARTNER)
} SEXUALLY ABUSED MY UNBORN CHILD!!
}
} Needless to say, anyone seeking this type of fame is suffering from a
} grand delusion; physiologically speaking, this is impossible ---
} unless, of course, you or your partner happens to be Elvis.
}
} You owe the Oracle two boxes of blue suede Pampers.


378-03    (16742 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me,o wise dude from the east,
>
> How many ghoti are there in the sea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plenty. There are more ghoti in the sea than ewe, mni, and all your
} ghresnez put together, and that's even leaving some out. While there
} are not as many ghoti in the sea as there are sptoughrz in the sky,
} there are way more ghoti in the sea than Tsheisneempisne in China,
} which should give you some grasp of how this thing scales.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of G.B. Shaw, and a haddock.


378-04    (05951 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most sage Oracle of Delphi, wise beyond all space and time,
> of whom I am not worthy to gaze upon your splendid and bespeckled feet,
> nor to swim with the other gods in your backyard pool, tell me...
>
> I just helped my girlfriend sell her old car and buy a "new" used one
> thats a heck-of-a deal.  She says she doesn't know how to repay me
> for my time and diligence {reading classified, phoning, test-drives}.
>
> What will she do to balence our relation in the cosmos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, since she's your girlfriend there are a number of ways she can
} repay you.
}
} - She can marry you,  have your children,  ruin her life for
} you  -- but she might be smarter than that,  so try this with
} caution.
}
} - She can buy a "new" used car for you.
}
} - She can be honest and tell you that she doesn't really care (not the
} best of deals but an OK one.)
}
} - She can stop seeing that other guy.
}
} - She can do that certain something you have been begging her to --
} although it's not as fun as you think.
}
} - She can show you her test results (but you have to promise her not
} to be too brutal.)
}
} - If she really appreciates what you did for her, she can give you a
} nice hug and a kiss and forget about the car -- because in about two
} months, that car will need a major repair job.
}
} You owe The Oracle a good debugger.


378-05    (38540 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise and bulbous Oracle, who knows all, eats all, and
> belches all, tell me this.  Who do I successfully shed the 30 pounds
> I'm carrying around with me (and I don't mean English currency)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean "how do I...."  not "who do I...", I assume.  Come on now!
} You don't need to lose *that* much!  A few, maybe,  but 30??? Nooo....
} If I were you, I would learn to live with it.  After all....
}
} Hey!  What' you looking at?? You're looking at my gut, aren't you?
} Well, I'm working on it!!!
}
} You owe The Oracle a new diet system.


378-06    (03962 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where did Giligan get the milk for all of the coconut cream pies that
> Marianne made for him (and where did they bake them)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A factoid that is unknown even to serious scholars of 1960's
} culture, but that is known to me, the Great One (to whom you
} FORGOT to grovel, you swine), is that "Gilligan's Island" wasn't
} just a television show.  It was real!  The startling authenticity
} of native practices and customs was due to the Professor's
} remarkable ability to set up a closed-circuit camera and record
} all of the events for Filmways Television.  The only phenomenon
} of the '60's to even approach this kind of cultural anthropology
} was "The Beverly Hillbillies," which, as everyone knows, starred
} a real Tennessee mountain family with bad teeth and raging
} hormones.
}
} Bob Denver (aka "Gilligan") was actually an anthropology major at
} the University of Chicago doing field research on what happens
} when rich people are forced to adapt to native culture in the
} South Pacific.  Once or twice a month, milk, Kraft Processed
} Cheese Slices, Wonder Bread, Welch's Grape Jelly, Hostess
} Ho-Ho's, Mutual of Omaha life insurance policies and other 1960's
} staples were airlifted in on a secret part of the Island, where
} Gilligan then mysteriously retrieved them and distributed them to
} his unsuspecting subjects.  He then took extensive notes on the
} results.
}
} Mary Ann didn't actually *bake* the pies--that would have made
} her too suspicious.  She used a Pillsbury no-bake filling (not
} unlike Jello 1-2-3), poured it into a premade graham cracker
} crust, and was never the wiser!
}
} When Bob "Gilligan" Denver published his dissertation, of course,
} then the show was aired to the amazement of the
} television-watching public, which reveres it to this day.  Not
} since "McHale's Navy" gave us harrowing, true-to-life
} re-enactments of brave men in battle has a program so faithfully
} reproduced the braver side of our noble culture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good tape of "Dobie Gillis."


378-07    (04a51 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, whose toenails I wish dearly to
> pedicure:
>
> Why is is that I see purple spots on the walls of the urinal when
> I go to the bathroom in the morning? Is it just me, or is this
> something all males experience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the oracle spake thus to the manly men below:
}
} The purple spots you complain of are in actuality a common and harmless
} variety of slime mold common to all men's bathrooms.  The species,
} Quinibeaus Scrotsum is said to have increased prevalence in bathrooms
} of the college variety because of that rare mixture of beer, stray
} spray, foot fungus, day-old-puke, and other party remnants that are
} needed for the substaining of this life form.  Morning being the usual
} feeding time in the scrotsum's biological clock, this is when they are
} most likely to be sighted.  Do not be dismayed at the sight of these
} wonderful beasts, as they are often what keep the other more dangerous
} molds and fungi from taking over in men's bathrooms.
}
} You owe the oracle a fifth of Crown Royal (for the the purpose of
} disinfection! We swear it!)


378-08    (12089 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and noble oracle, king of heaven and earth,
>
>      Have you ever been compared to the OUija board???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but indeed I used to DABBLE in them.
}
} Picture the scene . . .
}
} >several yuppies and their SO's gathered in a stylish SoCal
}  living room, loft prominently decorated.  A half-empty bottle
}  of Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante is in evidence<
}
} Y1: Oh, Mighty Ouija board, will my wife have a baby this year?
}
} The pointer trembles and starts a slow deliberate waltz around
} the board.
}
} BOARD:  A-N-T-I-C-H-R-I-S-T
}
} The onlookers sit back stunned.
}
} Y2: Oh, Might Ouija board, will I get married this year?
}
} Again the pointer begins its journey.
}
} BOARD: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-G-A-S-P-U-M-P-A-T-T-E-N-D-A-N-T
}
} One yuppette sits back in a huff.
}
} Y3: Oh, Might Ouija board, how will my business trip go?
}
} The pointer again trembles and traces out the letters --
}
} BOARD: M-I-D-N-I-G-H-T-E-X-P-R-E-S-S
}
} It is now Yuppie 4's turn.  She regards the board with a
} jaundiced eye, tossing her luxuriant chestnut hair over
} one shoulder provocatively.  Her long, nimble fingers lay
} atop the pointer.  She is dressed stylishly, and tastefully.
} The lines of a picture-perfect figure are not hidden by her
} slim turtleneck, and were she not sitting on her well-rounded
} derriere, the two male participants would long ago have
} suffered cardiac infarction.
}
} Y4: Oh, Mighty Ouija board (her rich contralto intones) who will
}     my next serious relationship be with?
}
} The pointer shakes violently for several moments and begins to
} vibrate back and forth.
}
} BOARD: Z-E-U-S
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: N-O-O-R-A-C-L-E
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-Z-E-U-S
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-R-A-C-L-E-D-A-M-N-I-T
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD:
} Y-O-U-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-E-V-E-N-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-T-O-D-O-W-I-T-H-H-E-R
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-I-R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R-W-H-A-T-L-I-S-A-S-A-I-D
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD:
} L-I-S-A-D-O-E-S-N-T-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-S-H-E-S-T-A-L-K-I-N-G-A-B-O-U-T
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-S-H-E-S-M-I-N-E-Y-O-U-L-I-T-T-L-E-G-I-T
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: Y-E-A-H
}
} Then:
}
} BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H
}
} Upon which point the yuppies all get sick of the bickering and throw
} the board out, where a little girl names Regan who lives down the
} street picks it out of the trash and brings it home.  One male yuppie
} does suffer a fatal heart attack upon the brunette woman's rising, and
} the other severe palpitations.
}
} You owe the Oracle the brunette's phone number.  >Shut up, Zeus.<


378-09    (23762 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wisest oracle of all the net.gods out there, please deign
> to answer the question of a humble supplicant:
>
> What does a blind person see when he dreams?
>
> Thank you, oh big one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh the dreams of the blind and what that they sees
} Smiling faces and places and puppy dog knees
}
} Birds in the ocean and fish in the air
} Flapping their fins without even a care
}
} Six legged horses and ultra-red roses
} Kennedys caught in embarrassing poses
}
} Whales crooning Dylan and C code compiling
} Enquirer psychics badly divining
}
} Big bombs and Saddams and tanks slowly creeping
} Don't that they wish they were just calmly sleeping
}
} Trumps in the poorhouse and all Congress in jail
} Flying pink elephants not lending them bail
}
} Smiling Dick Nixons with nicely signed pardons
} Porn stars a' groaning with huge throbbing <<CENSORED>>
}
} Ollie North writing and Reagan recalling
} TV commercials with old women falling
}
} Zebra striped hippos and planets revolving
} 'round gold plated roads and witches dissolving
}
} Oracle's done writing bad meter and rhyme
} I'm going to stop now while I still have a mind
}
} You owe the Oracle autographed copies of all of Dr. Seuss' books


378-10    (03575 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose knowledge exceeds that of even Alex Trebek,
>
> Who owns the North Pole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microsoft owns the North Pole.  I'm surprised that someone who tries to
} keep up with current developments in the field doesn't peruse the
} Business and Technology section of their local screamsheet.  Here's the
} article:
}
} MS On Top of the World, says CEO Gates
} Redmond
} In a surprise move today, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates announced Farwa snod
} bar gull fran nert nert poofoo.  One of his aides kicked the microphone
} stand at which point Mr. Gates made a bit more sense.  Gates expanded
} on his opening remark, saying that the takeover was a result of a crack
} team of guerilla squatters who had camped on the site for the past
} seven years, thus gaining ownership of the land by means of the
} oft-forgotten subparagraph (G) in section 2. of the International
} Homestead Act. "This is an exciting new field for us," Gate said,
} adding that, "At this point, we are the only software company prepared
} to offer services to customers above the 80th parrallel."
}
} The squatters had no comment, other than to say how surprised they were
} to encounter publicity for Windows3.0 even in their isolation.  "The
} subliminal messages in the Aurora Borealis came as quite a shock," one
} squatter (who asked that his name not be revealed until after he's had
} a chance to negotiate for radio play rights) said.
}
} C'mon, it's not even Thanksgiving yet.  You owe the Oracle a question
} that doesn't involve Christmas, Santa Claus, or any of that stuff.


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