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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, please answer my humble question: > > Why do some New Yorkers have such obnoxious accents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a very interesting question which could, of course, simply be } answered with a long and detailed linguistic history of the region, } from the middle 1600's to the present, detailing exactly why and how } such particularly nasal articulatory habits came about.  That would be } boring though, so I think instead that I'll resort to asking some } typical New Yorkers what _they_ think about the matter.  I wouldn't } ordinarily do this, but Lisa's giving her advanced Kama Sutra class } tonite and things are slow. } } I'll just teleport down to a typical section of New York, using one of } my mortal guises. } } <ZZAAAAAAAAAP> } } Ah, here we are.  There's a cabbie over there who looks pretty typical, } Let's start with him. } } "Greetings, mere mortal!  I'm the Usenet Oracle and I'd like to }  ask how you aquired that most appalling accent!" } } "'Ey! Whadda I look like heah, some kinda professah?  You don like }  the way I talk, go back ta where ya came from, ya pervert!  You }  wanna go somewheh, fine, otherwise geddouda heah!" } } "Excuse me, but I was simply enquiring about your accent; there's no }  need to get excited." } } "I'll show ya excited, ya fancy talkin' freak!  You may be from }  outtatown but in newyawk we don't take no guff offa nobody!" } (pulls tire iron from under seat) } } "You seem to be suffering from some sort of mental instability, }  perhaps I can help you." } } "@!%&$%$@*&%!!!" (swings iron) } } "Oh, the hell with it.." } } <ZOT!> } } Hmmm.  He certainly didn't seem too friendly, though I certainly } helped his attitude get a lot better.  Perhaps I need to tailor my } approach to compensate for what is obviously a lower level of } intelligence.  There's a young gentleman over there who looks more } cooperative, let's try him. } } "Pardon me, I'd like to ask you some questions about your accent.  You }  know, the way you talk." } } "Hey mah man, ahm rappin' to the beat, and ah can tell that }  you donts know nuthin 'bout the street, an' ah could tell you }  latah, but ahs gonna tell you now, ah don know zactly }  what, this white fool be puttin down, so ah kin tells fo' }  sho, what ah is gonna do, ain't gonna take no mo, no suh ah }  is gonna shoot!" } } (pulls saturday night special from pants and points it at } the Oracle) } } "Hmmmm.  Young man, are you aware that your revolver is not only of }  inferior workmanship but is also lacking any sort of significant }  stopping power or accuracy?" } } "Say what?!" } } "Oh, forget it." } } <ZOT!> } } This is getting rather disheartening, but I'll give it one more try. } That old woman pushing that shopping cart over there looks harmless } enough, let's ask her.. } } "Pardon me, old woman, but I'd like to know why you talk like you }  do." } } "Muffafhalldha?" } } "Um.  Your speech, you know.  Talk.  The way it sounds.  Why?" } } "Euoohoooodoo.. Gggghh. Devil walking in the parks, you know!  Steam }  grates ain't safe for coffee.  Running aliens don't like soup in the }  same pot as the shoes but Elvis he still alive I know it I seen him }  but nobody knows what is down the alley, dollar for the wine, maam, }  Rahh!  Got any spare change?" } } "Er, sorry.  Never mind.  I'll, uh, ask somebody else." } } "Aaaaeeeeeeiiiii!  Judas come down, he here!  Lizbeth see you! }  Aeeeeeeiiiiiiiii! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!  Don't hurt poor lizbeth }  I donknownothing didn'tseenothin ahhh! ahhhh!" } } "Please, Calm down!" } } "Aeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!  Devils!  Wrigley's Spearmint!  Oral Roberts! }  Help! Help!  Aeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiii!" } } "Uh.." } } "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" } } "Ah shit.." } } <ZOT!!> } } Oh well.  Fortunately this is New York, so no one even noticed } that I just zot'd 3 people.  I guess your answer is going to } have to be "Because they have such obnoxious attitudes." } } You owe the Oracle 20 minutes of a Cyndi Lauper interview on tape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If time is the fourth dimension, what is the fifth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a musical group from the Sixties. } } They were responsible for keeping many groovy flower children and other } Democratic types happy with hits such as "Age of Aquarius."  After } the 60', however, they rather fell into disregard.  Marylin McCoo, } perhaps the most known member, was forced to host one of those solid } gold shows where the guests all lip sync, but badly. } } Several other members of the group are still around.  One bought some } Deal A Meal cards, lost weight, and became Emmanuel Lewis of "Webster." } Another underwent painful facial surgery and is now Lisa Simpson. } A third has had sexual fantasies about Clarence Thomas. } } You owe the Oracle a record store that still sells vinyl.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh most smart oracle, who know all things, who, what where and how (and > how), please answer my humble question: > > I'm sure you know about those glaciers which covered much of North > America, Northern Erope and Northern Asia during the Ice Age, well my > question is, where did these glaciers come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <a small classroom, seated in desk chairs are 10 small children.  At }  the head of the classroom, Professor Oracle> } } Now, class, young Billy here wants to know where the Glaciers came } from. Anybody know? } } <silence hangs in the air.  Finally, after a minute or so, a small hand }  tentatively raises> } } Yes, Annie } } "Um, they came from the North Pole?" } } No, I'm sorry Annie, but that's not quite right.  Anybody else? } } <more silence> } } Well, I'll tell you.  They migrated.  Migrated from Mars, that is. } } <a hand raises itself, demanding attention> } } Yes Jeremy? } } "That sounds kinda ridiculous to me, P'fessor.  I mean, Glaciers from } Mars?" } } Now, Jeremy, what are you here for? } } "To learn." } } Very Good.  And who am I? } } "The teacher." } } Gooooooood.  And why am I the teacher? } } "Um, cause your smarter." } } Right again!  Now, would you care to reconsider what you said to me } earlier? } } <after a few more moments of silence> } } "Um, no." } } Insolent mortal child!  I'll TEACH you do doubt ME!!! } } <the Oracle points his pointer at Jeremy, whereupon a small bolt of }  lightening arcs from the pointer to Jeremy.  Jeremy stands there, }  smoking, covered in soot, an effect similar to how Wile E. Coyote }  looks after an explosion.> } } GO TO THE PRINCIPLE'S OFFICE! } } <the Oracle now makes a visible effort to regain his compsure> } } Next question? } } You owe the Oracle a new pointer.  I just wrecked this one.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely pewling and brilliant Oracle, whose smarts are greater > than that of the extraterrestrials, whose lariat delights the angels > themselves, I beg of you answer for this moron this difficult problem. > Doesn't Princess Leia have the cutest shinbone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...and now to back to our game already in progress. } } [Fanfare sounds. A smiling nut wielding a microphone lunges towards } a contestant...] } } Host: It's your turn! Choose your catagory... } } Cont: Ummm... oh... } } Audience: }       "Dead celebrities!" }       "Antique record players!" }       "Pocket lint sorters!" } } Cont: I don't know... } } Host: Come on, we don't have all day! } }       [points at clock with hands that seem to be moving }        ominously towards nothing in particular.] } } Cont: I choose... } } Audience: }       "Moronic Book titles!" }       "Improper plumbing techniques!" } }       [Tension mounts. Various cameras zoom in on the audience stirring }        themselves into a near frenzy, the contestant's slowly gathering }        beads of sweat, and the host's ever widening grin.] } } Cont: ...humorous body parts! } } Host: Humerous Body Parts! } } Audience: }       "Ewww!" } } Host: Your question is this.... } }       [Quick shot of contestant looking towards the audience, }        like they could actually provide ANY sort of useful }        advice...] } } Host: "What is the proper manner in which to unflange an endothermal } duct?" } } Cont: Huh? What does that have to do with humorous body parts? } }       [LOUD ANNOYING BUZZER] } } Host: I'm sorry, but that was a trick question -- you can't unflange } one! } } Audience: }       *awwww* } } Cont: What? } } Host: But this doesn't mean you're out of the game. You have one }       final chance. Do you want to try the bonus question? } } Audience: }       "Yes, yes!" } } Cont: Well, I guess so... } } Host: Here it is: }       "Who has the most beautiful shin bone?" } }       [Camera again zooms around the playing area, looking for anything }        more interesting to lock in on that the hosts ever-widening }        grin.] } } Audience: }       *looks pensive and thoughtful* } } Cont: Uh...Princess Leia? } }       [ANNOYING BELL-LIKE SOUND] } } Host: It sounds like the judges accepted your answer! Another proper }       response could have been Ginger from Gilligan's Island... } }       [End-of-game music starts blaring, audience goes wild, and }       contestant tries to sneak way off satge, but is blinded by the }       host's smile.] } } Host: Here's what you've won! } } Announcer: }       A weeks supply of Cod Liver Oil! }       A case of Twinkies "light"! }       And finally... } } Audience: }       *ooohhhhh* } } Announcer: }       One square foot of marsh land! } } Host: Tune in next week... } }       Well, I don't know if this helped you (what am I saying? I'm the } ORACLE!!! OF COURSE IT HELPED!!!!). } }       You owe the oracle the phone number of Ginger, a pair of } binoculars, and a new copy of Star Wars.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, the master of the codebreakers and the ultimate > guide of all those who try to understand strange spiffy symbols, kidly > tell me: >               What a heck does the symbol >                         :-) > >                         mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its meaning is resemblant to the exclamation mark ( ! ). Only here, } the importance of the preceeding sentence(s) is emphasized extremely } much more. Something that is preceeding the symbol should be deeply } considered and is a very serious statement. If someone is trying } to put extra weight into his saying, he puts that symbol there. } You got it ? Glad to be of help :-) } } You owe the oracle nothing ;-|

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one program a Novatel cellular phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle uses C, although Pascal would work just as well.  Now, VCR's } are a different matter entirely... } } You owe the Oracle a new area code.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most supercilious Oracle, whose mere presence on our fair planet > makes the sun come up in the morning and set in the evening, instead > of the other way round, grant me this insight into your boundless > wisdom: > > What are the seven wonders of the known citrus fruits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, a querent with Buddha-nature. } } The Seven Wonders of the Citrus Fruits are: } } THE SHROUD OF TANGERINE } This artifact is rumored to be the shroud in which Jesus the Tangerine } was buried.  Jesus (known to his disciples as Home-Boy) was crucified } on a juicer by Papaya Pilate under the rule of Orange Julius Caesar. } The image on the shroud is that of one very surprised-looking fruit. } } THE SISTINE CHAPEL } This was painted during the Renaissance by Michael Tangelo, a famous } artist and well-rounded fruit.  He had a bit of difficulty with it as } the natural acids in his body tended to dissolve the paints.  Still, he } finished, only to be reprimanded by the Pope for having painted himself } into a fruit basket on the ceiling.  He died tragically when he } wandered into the primate house of the Vatican Zoo and was eaten by a } chimp. } } THE LIMEHOUSE OF RHODES } This famous landmark was built to protect ships from the rocks near the } shore. A giant catapult on the top would hurl hundreds of limes at } approaching ships, warning the sailors of impending danger and curing } them of scurvy at the same time. } } JOHN LEMON } One of the greatest musicians of our time.  Originally a member of the } popular British group the Seedles, John struck out on his own after his } relationship with the rest of the group soured.  He had several solo } hits and would probably have had more, but he was struck down outside } of his apartment by a man who claimed he wanted to make an iced tea for } Jodie Foster. } } THE ORANGE CLIFFS OF DOVER } Similar to the White Cliffs, the Orange Cliffs gain their color and } texture from the millions of oranges dropped on them by migrating } swallows.  (Popular belief holds that these swallows carry coconuts, } but this is a misconception.)  The resulting substance (a gooey mixture } of calcium carbonate and fruit) is pressed into vaguely slice-like } shapes and sold as candy in stores. } } THE GRAPEFRUIT WALL OF CHINA } This giant wall was built by the Chinese to stem the inrush of invading } Mongol hordes, which were notorious for not tipping.  The wall is made } of individual slices of grapefruit laid in a brick-like pattern.  The } wall has proven effective thus far, as the Mongols have a distinct } aversion to anything remotely healthy and refuse to eat their way } through. } } ORANGE SPARKLE CREST } How do they DO that, anyway? } } You owe the Oracle a peeler that works.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh All-Telling Oracle, > > What is the best way to deflocculate James Bond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   "Hey, Orrie, what's that sound?" }   "That, dear Lisa, is the sound of Ian Flemming turning over in his } grave.  You owe the Oracle a medium-sized hickey as soon as I get done } answering this supplicant." }   "Can I see?  He wants to do WHAT to James Bond?" }   "Dissolve him in a chemical solution that would create a wollen } precipitate and then break that precipitate down into an aqueous } solution.  You owe the Oracle a cup of hot coffee." }   "Coming right up, Orrie." }   "Hmmm, now let's see...  Well, Mr.  Goldfinger, you will probably be } best off mixing two parts of high molarity nitric acid with one part } hydrochloric acid, add one British spy and store overnight.  Make sure } the mixture is shaken, but not stirred." }   "Here's your coffee, Orrie." }   "Ah!" }   "And here's your hickey." }   "Ahhhhhhhhh!" } } You owe the Oracle a key to Fort Knox.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The frog in the pond uttereth an azure cry.  For behold, is not the > turtle more round and better protected than the low and whining > earthworm?  Yet the frog is not so round as a hedgehog, nor yet doth it > cry so bluely, no matter whereupon those matters rest.  Yet back in the > pond, the turtle espies the frog, yet it envieth it not, nor yet doth > it make a pass at it; for doth not the Master of Ponds provide equally > for both frog and turtle, no matter what color either of them doth cry? >  Still, when all is said and done, the earthworm would rather be a > hedgehog than a frog would wish to be a turtle. > > Neither is this a surprise, according to Aristotle, for whom all things > were square and azure.  For behold!  In the distance I see a frog, and > up closer I see a turtle.  Such things are seen by me, and, even, by > such men as Aristotle and by such woman as Joan of Arc.  Yes, and even > by such computer geeks as T*d K*ld*s.  For behold!  there is no justice > in the pond, save the simple justice of frog and turtle, of duck and > water-weed, and truly there is much happiness in this, for if the > Supreme Court were in the pond, there would be little happiness for > either frog or turtle, duck or weed, or even Justice Sandra Day > O'Connor who happens to be the best swimmer on the Supreme Court, > because if she were to be in the pond, she would be wearing her robes. > > Yet in the face of this, we cannot help but discover another frog, > perhaps a frog of justice, perhaps a frog of simple malice.  The second > frog exists; this much we cannot deny.  It has green skin with little > black spots.  It lives and breathes, it catches flies just like the > first frog.  Yet it is different.  Perhaps it is a frog of joy, perhaps > it is a frog of cole slaw. One cannot tell by looking. One cannot ask > the first frog, for this is the second frog and it is different.  One > cannot ask the turtle, for the turtle goes with the first frog.  One > cannot ask Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, because she has gotten out of > the pond and gone behind the barn to dry off and garb herself anew in > the robes of the  Supreme Court. > > Yet for this frog, is there a turtle?  We seek high, we seek low, but > do we seek in the reeds and shoots at the side of the pond, where such > a turtle would live if it were there?  Nay, we seek there not.  For in > the reeds and shoots there might live a snake, a serpent, and perhaps > we are scared of snakes.  Perhaps they place into us some primordeal > fear.  Perhaps we are afraid that the snake will bite us.  Perhaps we > are afraid that the snake will crush us in its coils.  Perhaps we are > afraid that the snake will hire Justice Sandra Day O'Connor to sue our > pants off.  These are fearsome thoughs, and, though we seek a turtle > for the second frog, we shall not seek there. > > The time of the second frog is not yet come, so we may rest and wait. > But behind it is there a third frog?  Has that frog a turtle of its > own?  Shall I go and dance in the woods tonight?  The answers are > unknown, and perhaps unknowable.  But underneath the pond, the > earthworm is awake and sleeping, and behind in its schedule of > programming.  In the sky overhead, the feet twinkle merrily; in the > language of the blind, the one-eyed man is King Kong. In the pond, the > frog and the turtle pay little heed to these bewilderisms; they are > happy with their simple justice, their complex patterns of vortices, > and the essential reunification of East and West Germany.  For what is > the true meaning of frog and turtle, of Germany and Sandra Day > O'Connor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The true meaning of all this, my obfuscative friend, who grovelith not, } and yet liveth still, but only by my eternal patience, is quite simple. } } You left the cole slaw out again, dumkopf!  Next time keep it in the } fridge so it won't spoil! } } As for the rest, the frog and turtle are symbols of dinner which } you cannot eat due to your poisoning by the hallucinagenic cole slaw, } Germany:  the war your stomach wages on your body for its crime, and } Sandra Day O'Connor must remain an eternal mystery, for the Oracle is } not permitted to reveal her true purpose. } } You owe the oracle a fishing trip to this pond, and a weeks supply of } bait (live, none of those stupid plastic worms).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok OK my car wont start, I lost my job, my wife divorced me and now I > lost my stress release rubber ball and stress release hammer. Thank > God I still have you Son of B**** to vent my frustration. You >       begin quote >               %$#$%#@@#$ %%$^^%$&& F*** ^%%$$ >               F*** F*** S*** ^&^(8(** %%$$^ &&**&& >                !__)(!++! *&%$###3####3## F*** >               BU** S*** UGLY FAT SON OF B**** >       end quote > > Oh Boy do I feel relieved!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "er, Lisa." } } "Yes, dear?" } } "Come and look at this one , please." } } "oooh, language..." } } "Should I <ZOT> him?" } } "Hardly seems fair, dear.  You usually ZOT (how do you manage to speak } in angle brackets?  Never mind...) people for not grovelling.  This } poor soul's done much more than that." } } "So what do you suggest?  Don't answer, I know already, and you have a } devious mind.  But are you sure it will show up well on film?" } } "Just use the right f-stop, and his life is ruined." } } You owe the oracle your presence in front of your apartment at exactly } 7:43:05 pm, next Tuesday.  And if you don't comply, it may get even } worse...