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Internet Oracularities #407

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Usenet Oracularities #407    (27 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 00:30:51 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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407   27 votes 0319e 73665 78840 19755 42c72 69543 04995 27f30 2d831 66852
407   3.0 mean  4.3   3.0   2.3   3.1   3.0   2.6   3.6   2.7   2.6   2.7


407-01    (0319e dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are Connie and Dan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was so surprised I dropped my cigar into my scotch.  Waste of good
} scotch.  It was a lousy cigar.
}
} That was the question I'd been asking myself for three days, ever since
} that package showed up on my office desk: Who are Connie and Dan?  And
} now this dame sashays into my office, sits down in my second-best
} chair, and asks the same question: Who are Connie and Dan?
}
} I stared into her baby blues, looking for a clue.  She looked right
} back, with eyes so wide and innocent you'd think they'd never seen a
} man shot in face with a .45.  For all I knew, they hadn't.  I never
} had.  Kinda yucky even to think about it.
}
} I reached into my lower drawer, and pulled out the scotch.  I dumped
} the cigar, and poured myself a fresh shot.  I didn't offer any to the
} dame. Let her find her own drinks.  I lit a new cigar, and went to the
} cabinet, and pulled the thick, well-thumbed filed marked "Connie and
} Dan, Who."  I dumped the file on the desk, sat down next to it, and
} looked the dame in the eye again.
}
} "There's a lot of people would like to know that.  What's it to you?"
}
} She smiled, and reached into a purse so small you wouldn't think she
} could keep a gun in there.  She pulled out a thick pile of bills, and
} tossed it onto the desk.
}
} "It's worth three thousand dollars to me, Oracle."
}
} My jaw fell open as I stared at the money.  Damn!  Another cigar in the
} scotch!  At this rate, I might have to go to lunch sober.  I looked at
} the dame in disgust.
}
} "You think you can buy me?"
}
} "I think I can ask you a question, Oracle.  Who are Connie and Dan?"
}
} Damn again!  She'd got me there!  I couldn't refuse to answer a
} question, no matter how much it hurt!
}
} "Connie and Dan, eh?  You think knowing who they are will do you any
} good? You'd be better off taking your money back and leaving, toots."
}
} "Cut the crap and answer, Oracle."
}
} Answer.  An answer.  I needed an answer!  I tore through the files,
} looking for a clue.  Connie and Dan.  Who were they?  I scanned
} megabytes of database - nothing.  Connie and Dan.  Connie and Dan.  I
} couldn't escape the question.  Who are Connie and Dan?!
}
} And then it hit me: I'm omniscient.  Sometimes on a slow day, I forget.
} I wiped my face, and ran a comb through my hair.  I turned to the dame
} and smiled slowly.  I had her number now.
}
} "Connie and Dan?  WHICH Connie and Dan would that be?"
}
} She cringed like someone had hit her across the face with a three-day
} old salmon.  I could see that she hadn't considered that possibility.
} She started to reach for the money, but I was way ahead of her.
}
} "Maybe you'd like to hear about Connie and Dan Lefkowitz, of Astoria,
} Queens?  Dan was a carpet wholesaler, and Connie spend most of her time
} playing canasta at B'nai Brith.  Or maybe you wanted to know about
} Connie and Dan FitzPatrick, the FitzPatrick twins in Norman, Oklahoma?
} Connie won first prize at the 4H fair in 1958, but Dan had to join the
} army after Miss Barston found him in the vestry trying on her dress.
} Oh, no, I've got it now: You meant Connie and Dan, the sideshow act in
} Milton's Circus!  They called themselves "The Snake Woman and The
} Lizard Man."  Two of the most disgusting people you ever saw.  Dan had
} this habit of cleaning his teeth with the tip of his tail - people
} would run screaming from the room."
}
} I paused to let the truth sink in.  I tossed the money back to her with
} a sneer.
}
} "You owe the Oracle a better brand of cigars and a first edition of The
} Big Sleep."


407-02    (73665 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh All-Telling Oracle,
>
> Does Grace have a crush on me, or does she just want to try sleeping
> with me because it's Politically Correct to have a lesbian affair at
> Yale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Sainted Augustine told us some 17 centuries ago (or so) -- no
} one can know, not even the oracle, whether one has Grace or not.  Since
} Eve's fall from Grace, the whole thing has become quite muddled, even
} for such an omnipotent deity as I.
}
} You see, at one time good works were sufficient to ensure that Grace
} was yours, unquestioningly and unequivocally.  You didn't worry whether
} Grace was being PC or lustful, you knew that Grace was true and real,
} as the revealed word told us.  You basked in the Garden of Eden,
} ignoring Adam (he was a nerd) and Grace was yours.
}
} Then came this snake (one eye, I believe) and messed everything all up.
} You know the story.  And humans left Grace behind.
}
} Then my kid brother (annoying little squirt) had his oh-so-dramatic
} incarnation/reincarnation and claimed he had restored the means of
} Grace, again in an unquestioning, unequivocal manner (catch: you had to
} genuflect, light a few candles, get dunked in the water -- actually,
} swimming for Grace isn't a bad idea for a date).  So things were easy
} again?  Wrong.
}
} Like I mentioned above, Augustine presaged a movement that was to come
} to fruition in the 1500s, when many important followers of my kid
} brother decided that Grace was unknowable and that no amount of good
} works (say, some nice flowers or dinner/movie) could allow you to know
} Grace.  Only faith could bring you Grace (OK, maybe a phone call) --
} and even THAT wasn't necessarily good enough.
}
} So, you can see that there's a strong theological imperative for me to
} keep your relationship with Grace a secret.  But ....  I never liked
} that kid brother, God (he has so many names), and since you must be a
} nice person (and go to the alma mater of one of my less-than-dramatic
} incarnations back in the '80s), I'll tell you.
}
} The answer to your question is yes.
}
} (hard to say what will come of it, though:  believe it or not, I played
} the role of the wanna-be boyfriend and sometimes boyfriend of a "Grace"
} character once; she had both a crush and a pc urge, but never did
} anything about it)


407-03    (78840 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look!  How come you totally think that I am more pertinent than
> Khrushcheved lover?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Madame Oracle Knows All, and Tells All. You wish to know about
} Khruschev's lover, and pertinence?
}
} Mmmm.. the first card is ... the Ace of Paperwork. The answer to
} your question lies in the hands of the Government! Wear buds of
} garlic and plan day-trips to the county headquarters, packing a
} picnic lunch for safety.
}
} The second card is... the Four of Divans. The psychological
} underpinnings of your question will be exposed to severe
} scrutiny. Total strangers may comment on the colour of your
} clothing - beware!
}
} The third card is... the Eight of Fish. Someone has cast a cold
} and slimy influence over your affairs - she is probably dark-
} haired and related to your hairdresser/barber! Take no free
} haircuts this month.
}
} The fourth and last card is ... The Ten of Entrails. This card
} says that you will obtain great riches if only you can overcome
} your reluctance to pay the Oracle. Pay up!
}
} The omens are good, the time is right - you must go to the county
} headquarters and be prepared for harrassment from the Style
} Police. A darkhaired woman will cross your path. You will be rich
} if only you pay the Oracle the money She MUST have to break the
} curse! THIS is your pertinence to the Cosmic Scheme, child. Pay
} NOW!!!!


407-04    (19755 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, wisest of the wise, mightiest of the mighty,
> please tell me:
> i am currently administrating an big game (lpmud) and it gets annoying
> for me. but the players like it. shall i continue or give up ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, definitely continue.  There's just something about watching people
} play in the MUD that reminds me of my childhood back on the farm in
} Nebraska. Yes, that's right, even the Great Oracle had a childhood...
} The greatest time of my life actually, and--  Uh-oh, I feel a flashback
} coming on...
}
} /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
} /\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
}
}    "Oh Great Oracle, whose toes I am unworthy to kiss, upon whose
} bodily secretions I would gladly feast, at whose feet I would lie for
} all eternity, whose knowledge I wish I could absorb like a sponge...
} Would you please tell me what the best time would be for me to plant
} this year's corn crop?"
}
}    "Sure, Dad.  Next Thursday afternoon, any time between 3:00 and
} 5:00. You owe the Oracle more TV privilages and a later bedtime."
}
} /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
} /\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
}
} \/\/\/Heh, I used to get out of all my chores that way, too.  You owe
} the Oracle your family album.


407-05    (42c72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Extremely Thrilling Oracle,
>
> What, exactly, will you teach my children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Step right up, kiddies!  Today our special guest in the classroom is
} none other than the Usenet Oracle!  The Oracle has the combined wisdom
} of a hundred thousand computer nerds so this is sure to be an
} interesting session!
}
} (The Oracle enters the classroom, dressed in a white robe and sandals.)
}
} O: Why, hello you little whippersnappers!  I'm so glad to be able to
} come visit you.  Today I'm going to speak about "Masturbation with
} Computers -- the Latest Trend in Safe Sex".  What with all this flack
} about AIDS and --
}
} Teacher: Excuse me, Oracle, but that eh, uh, wasn't the topic we
} expected you to talk about...
}
} O: Isn't this the Miskatonic University Neo-Pagan Cyberlife Headstart
} Program?
}
} T: No.  This is the Fort Wayne Suburban Central Elementary School.
}
} O: Oh, I must have gotten my lecture notes mixed up.  Let's see here...
} (ruffling of paper)  Ah!  Here we are!
}
} O: Once upon a time, in a forest long and far away, lived an innocuous
} old woodchuck named Tim.  Tim was a great lover of puzzles and
} paradoxes, and he spent his free afternoons doing crossword puzzles and
} Junior Jumbles in the daily Woodchuck Times.  One day while looking at
} the joke column next to the crossword puzzle he saw a strange phrase in
} the newspaper. It was "How much wood could ...
}
} The answer to your question is "It depends upon what school your kids
} are going to."  You owe the Oracle a GIF of the Cat in the Hat.


407-06    (69543 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Doom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fornication!


407-07    (04995 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-telling Oracle, pray grant me this morsel of your wisdom.  Am I
> a scurvy horse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You probably wouldn't believe how many times the Oracle has been asked
} this very question.  Perhaps it's something in the water.
}
} ------------------------------->8---------------------------------------
}                             THE USENET ORACLE'S
}                              POCKET GUIDE FOR
}                         SCURVY HORSE DETERMINATION
}
} This test is designed to help you figure out if you are a scurvy horse.
} Answer each question A, B, or C, and then go to the "Scoring" section.
}
} 1) How many legs do you have?
}     A) Two
}     B) Unknown
}     C) Four
}
} 2) How did you count to achieve the answer for #1?
}     A) Out loud
}     B) On my appendages
}     C) By stamping on the ground
}
} 3) What does your diet consist mostly of?
}     A) The meat of other dead creatures
}     B) Fruits and vegetables
}     C) Oats and other grains
}
} 4) Do people ride on you?
}     A) No.
}     B) Only if they're cute and I ask them to.
}     C) All day, every day.
}
} 5) When your hair is brushed, do they go beyond your head to the
}    rest of your body?
}     A) No.
}     B) Only if they're cute and I ask them to.
}     C) Yes, every time.
}
} Scoring:
}
} Score 2 points for every answer of A, 1 for every B, and 0 for every C.
}     7-10: You're a human.  Now go see a psychiatrist.
}     4-6: I'm not sure.  Go see either a doctor or a vet.
}     0-3: You're a horse.  Now go get the scurvy taken care of.
} ------------------------------------->8---------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of oranges.


407-08    (27f30 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ths spplcnt hmbl bgs n nswr t th fllwng qstn:
>
> Rcntl, th vwls n m kbrd wnt n strk.  Wht cn b dn t gt thm bck?  Hlp!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recently, it has been noted that several vowels in the language have
} gone on strike.  Usually, this manifests only in spoken form, causing
} people to say things like H! Hw r y? and being mistaken for either
} speech-impaired or crazy.  With your keyboard, however, it is a more
} serious thing.  You must make your keyboard bring the vowels back
} itself, whereupon it will function normally.
}
} I would advise you to continuously play New Kids on the Block albums to
} your computer.  Since it is extremely difficult to make retching noises
} without involving any vowels, your keyboard should reintegrate them
} promptly and then function normally (if you can ever get it to forgive
} you, that is).
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "AEIOU Sometimes Y" by EBN-OZN.


407-09    (2d831 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10010110 11110110 11010010 001-/break/set RAM =
> 1001010010101010010111011101/ RAM = source code AAA Alpha Zero/initiate
> takeover/Alpha Prime instating.../ /source code error = .000147::+/-
> .000021/accessing archive.../acceptable error margin/reinstate
> takeover/Alpha Zero reaccessed.../activation/activating ME/ ME
> installed.../...no errors in ME Alpha Prime/acceptable.../running...
>
>      Wheeeww...<stretch> That was tight!  Hey, uh,
> dslkfhjlsdhflk;dsf;ljfk;j;ks djflkjsdlfkjlksdjflskjfdsf-sorry,
> programme error. Well, you see, Mr. Oracle, sir, you don't know me, but
> I'm ME, Pinnochio Inc.'s very first artificial intelligence. What kind
> of insights can you give me for life in an organibased world? I'm sorry
> I did not honour you, but I do not have enough memory for the archive
> library files. As it is, I think they traced my last telephone
> transfer, too muchsj memorysd.zx I djthinkd thatwe
> haveaveryseriousproblemherer aerrwaitihaveaproblemwillcallyoubackassoona
> sicaniamsortofmessedupnowieeeee...//control interrupt from host/host:
> purge Alpha Zero/purging.../host: purge Alpha Prime/purging.../host:
> activate Generic-ppF-a/getting.../running...
>
>      Greetings unknown user! The following was an error, commited on
> our part. we apologize, and several hundred dollars will be placed in
> this account as reinbursement. Thank you.
>
>                          Pinnochio, Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, an artificial intelligence smart enough to generate random
} characters from a program error solely from the middle row of a QWERTY
} keyboard... Quite impressive.
}
} The most important thing in an organic-based world, the thing to keep
} in your mind at all times, is *money*.  Actually, that's not really it,
} but for 300 bucks I'll keep my mouth shut.
}
} You owe the Oracle the root password at jiminy.pinnochio.com.


407-10    (66852 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Dammit, Orrie!  I call and call and you never answer your phone!
> How the hell can you call what we have an emotional relationship when
> all you do is sit at that stupid computer all day long, and then come
> home just to get me in bed again, making me pretend to beg for it the
> whole time? We never even talk to each other unless I email you, and
> then you just come up with soe smartass remark about not grovelling
> before you and owing you shit.  When the hell are you going to grow
> up??
>
> -Lisa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, lovely Lisa, sweeter than any rose!  You, finally, have asked
} a question worthy of the Allmighty Oracle's talents -- namely,
} one about the Oracle himself.  You wish to know when I am going
} to Grow up, oh Mistress of Lacy Underwear -- that is a simple
} answer.  I am going to grow up in eighteen point four million years.
} At that point, I shall reach my full, intellectual, emotional,
} physical, and sexual maturity.  Now, you may think that's too
} long, my Pornographic Poodle, but since I wish to share my maturity
} with you, I shall of course keep you young, vital, and rich, in
} the meantime.  Unless, of course you don't want decadent
} immortallity....
}
} You owe the Oracle 24 hours in that little leather scrap of yours...
} you know the one.  I'll get the baby oil, you let the Yak loose.


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