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19 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:36:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #415

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415, 415-01, 415-02, 415-03, 415-04, 415-05, 415-06, 415-07, 415-08, 415-09, 415-10


Usenet Oracularities #415    (39 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:59 -0500

*** Please welcome Oracle Priest Joshua R Poulson as editor of the Usenet
*** Oracularities for the next 6 months.  He's taking over for me while
*** I'm in Barcelona, Spain working on a computer graphics project
*** associated with the Summer Olympics there.  Look for our simulations
*** of high jump, pole vault and high bar performances on TV in your
*** country.  We expect that everything with the Oracle should work as
*** usual during my absence -- I'll still be on the net.  Please report
*** any problems to oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu as before.
***         Hasta luego,                            Steve Kinzler

*** Thanks for the welcome, have fun in Barcelona! --JRP

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to
oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).  For example:
   415
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

415   39 votes aga30 2ei41 72bc7 202el 66be2 5bc92 148bf 6jc20 7bh40 98d72
415   2.9 mean  2.2   2.7   3.3   4.3   3.0   2.8   3.9   2.3   2.5   2.6


415-01    (aga30 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} why not?
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-recursive question.


415-02    (2ei41 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are objects in mirror really closer than they appear, or is it all just
> a plot by lawyers and insurance companies to cause accidents???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm really not very impressed by the lack of grovelling in your
} question. I'll let you off just this once, since I've used up my <ZOT>
} quota for the day, and Steve has been on my back recently about my
} abrupt treatment of supplicants.  Just treat me with the respect I
} deserve next time, or you won't live to regret it.
}
} To answer your question, objects in mirrors and not closer than they
} appear, just smaller.  This was originally a plot by a consortium of
} beauty therapists and plastic surgeons.  Their idea was that if all
} mirrors were to show up your reflection in all its larger than life
} horridness, you would feel worse about yourself than you already do and
} go get some treatment.
}
} The reason you just crashed your car is that you shouldn't have been
} pulling out to overtake the funeral procession at such a high speed
} around a tight bend in the fog.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fully comprehensive insurance policy for his
} Chariot of Fire.  And a nose job.


415-03    (72bc7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eh... (munch, munch, munch) ... what's up, doc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT> Heh, heh, heh I finawy got that wascal wabit!


415-04    (202el dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...calling International rescue... calling International Rescue... come
> in please... we are stranded on the Internet and out terminal is
> down... we have been nearly kill -9'd several times... we need help...
> come in please... calling International rescue...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great Scott! It's the bitalarm, and someone's in trouble! I've got to
} duck out of this charity ball as quietly as possible and get to the
} Bitcave.... Pardon.... 'Scuse me.... Hello, Michelle, love the
} outfit... Pardon....
}
}       MEANWHILE, IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVERN FAR BENEATH
}               THE QUIET STREETS OF THE CITY....
}
}       "we need help... come in please... calling International
}       rescue..."
}
} "Mmmbahaha! Listen to the poor stranded ninny. Did someone change
} his domain name while he was out touring the Internet? Ha! Now maybe
} he'll learn not to say no when I ask for root privileges on his
} systems. Turn off that scanner, I've heard enough of his whining!"
}
}       [The scanner is shut off.]
}
} "What to do, what to do? Shall I unplug his machine without executing
} a smooth powerdown, or just 'rm /etc/*'? Oooo, I love this part! I
} think tonight I'll warm up with an 'alias vi emacs.'"
}
} Not so fast, PowerUser. Tonight I shut you down.
}
} "Bitman! How did you get here?"
}
} I've written a Bitmail program which was able to reply to your
} extortion letters. It was a simple matter of tracing down
} evil.hideout.com.
}
} "Vey clever, bitbrain. But this postmaster is about to reject
} your letter. Get him, boys!"
}
}       [Bam! Pow! <ZOT>! Biff!]
}
} So much for your multitasking, PowerUser. From now on, the only
} program you'll be executing is the physical fitness regimen at
} the state pen.
}
} "I don't think so, Bitman. Or should I say,.... Oracle!"
}
} What?!? What do you mean?
}
} "I've discovered your secret identity, Bitman. You forgot yourself
} in the heat of battle. Who but the Usenet Oracle would be able to zot
} a henchman like that?"
}
} What's your point, PowerUser?
}
} "If you turn me in, I'll have a trial. A very public trial, one in
} which I can guarantee that the name Usenet Oracle will figure
} prominently."
}
} It's more of a title than a name.
}
} "Whatever. But of course, there's another choice, isn't there? You
} leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone. Both of you."
}
} First, restore the sysop's domain name and terminal.
}
} "Perhaps you don't understand -"
}
} NOW!
}
} "Yes, yes, very well.... There. He's fine, though why you take
} such interest in -- what are you doing with that cable?"
}
} I'm rewiring you, PowerUser. The Internet is dangerous enough
} without scalliwags like you running around. From now on, if you
} want to read talk.crime.costumes, you'll have to do it the old
} fashioned way. By LISTSERV.
}
} "What?"
}
} I've converted your host, PowerUser. You're now on BITNET --
}
} "BITNET! You wouldn't dare. I know who you are!"
}
} -- and you're on a VM machine.
}
} "No! Not VM! Please! I'll never tell! I'll never reveal your identity!
} But please, please give me back Unix!"
}
} Too late, PowerUser. The conversion's done. I usually charge extra
} for field service after hours, but this time, you only owe Bitman
} the merchandizing rights for the sequel.
}
} "And people think I'm evil! You're a fiend, Bitman."
}
} One last thing. If you have any problems, give IBM tech support a call.
}
} "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


415-05    (66be2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle!
>
> Is Navindodolo a good kind of beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let us take a journey to a place where the Navindodolo roam ...
}
} Picture if you will, a hot, dusty desert, with the occasional cactus.
} In the distance, by what was once a creek (you can tell by the dead
} trees on its banks) there is a dark smudge. Let's zoom in on it ...
} feeling the heat are you, mortal (heh, heh, heh)?
}
} It's a one-street town. The kind of town that might have been two
} streets if someone hadn't realised how shitty the weather was here.
} Now, all that remains on these ghostly streets is the occasional
} tumble-weed and a new form of life, left behind by mankind. Animate
} beer cans.
}
} Lucky for you, mortal, we are about to witness the arrival a group of
} mean, nasty, cussin' band of beer cans that make Billy the Kid look
} like water. Little baby Navindodolo beer cans are nudged off the
} streets by their frantic mothers as the Beer Can Bandits roll into
} town.
}
} They stop, their way blocked by one lone, beer can. A beer can to whom
} Law is all and Disorder must be halted - by a bullet if need be. A good
} kind of beer can - Sheriff Navindodolo.
}
} As the sheriff blasts the Beer Can Bandits into tiny strips of
} aluminium, you now know the answer to your question. Navindodolo is a
} good kind of beer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to Navindodolo.


415-06    (5bc92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh amazingly portentious, melifulous Oracle, whose toejam I am not fit
> to consume, whose bellybutton lint I am unfit to use as a tampon,
> please answer me this humbly asked question.
>
> I am constantly sickened by the merriment and joy that I witness on
> this, the anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.  People
> dress up in bright clothing, give candy to everyone in the office, and
> put little hearts on everything.  That's one thing I don't understand,
> why people think that a disembodied heart with an arrow through it is a
> symbol of love and sweaty snuggle-bunnies.  To me, that symbolizes the
> tragedy of the massacre.  I don't understand it.  Every year I dress in
> black in mourning for the victims, yet every year, people look at me
> strangely for doing it.
>
> Could you please explain this strange human custom to me?  I seek
> enlightenment so that I can properly de-program my office from
> celebrating such a sad anniversary in such a mockingly joyous manner.
>
> I tremble in anticipation of your wise answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Wild - this is a repeat.  I refused to answer this before, and I get
} it again.  Kinzler, what are the odds on that?]
}
} You're not Irish, are you?
}
} Basically, St. Valentine's Day is a huge wake for the victims.  People
} also realize subconsciously that they could be the victim of random
} violence any day, any place, and they celebrate the fact that this
} hasn't happened to them yet.
}
} In fact, several people choose to celebrate this day in the way that
} they know best - they get laid.
}
} So stop dressing in black!  You're the death of the party!  Get out
} there and celebrate that people were killed, and none of them were you!
}
} As far as the disembodied, punctured heart goes, that's another
} primitive "warding-off" symbol, like the wake itself.  If you've ever
} been in love, and had the OTHER person break it off, you understand
} what it means.  People use this symbol in hope that it doesn't happen
} to them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chocolate bunny with an arrow through it.  No,
} wait, that's not right...


415-07    (148bf dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, who's feet I am not worthy to drool upon, please
> answer my most humble question:
>
> What happens to my socks that disappear between putting them in the
> washer and not finding them in the dryer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS' GROUP
}                        in conjunction with
}                         RIVERA PRODUCTIONS
}                             present a
}                   GERALDO RIVERA SPECIAL REPORT:
}
}                              DRYERS:
}              Household Appliance or Gateway to Hell?
}
} "Hello, this is Geraldo Rivera."
}
} <applause>
}
} "As you may or may not be aware, for years there have been mysterious
} disappearances stemming from this device..."
}
} <walks over and bangs a Kenmore washer on the side>
}
} "The common theory is that forgetful people accidentally drop things
} while inserting or removing clothing from the dryer.  But Dr. Jack
} Shyster of Cypress Community College has a different theory.  We have
} him with us in the studio tonight via a satellite downlink.  Dr.
} Shyster?"
}
} <Unnecessarily large video screen behind Geraldo turns on, giving us
} an excellent view of Dr. Shyster and his protruding nose hairs.>
}
} Shyster:  "Hello, Geraldo!"
}
} "Hello, Dr. Shyster.  I'm sure the audience is on tenterhooks waiting
} for you to reveal your theory."
}
} Shyster:  "Well, it's quite simple, Geraldo.  The electrons produced
} from the static electricity all garments have, combined with the
} rotational property of the dryer's drum, turns every household dryer
} into a cyclotron."
}
} "Fascinating, Doctor.  But how does this explain the disappearance?"
}
} Shyster:  "This particle acceleration disrupts the local space-time
} continuum, effectively..." <pauses for dramatic effect> "...opening a
} gateway into another dimension!!"
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} "Thank you for that report, Dr. Shyster."
}
} <walks over to the Kenmore again>
}
} "Tonight, we're going to put Dr. Shyster's theory to the test.  I'm
} going to be loaded-- along with some wool socks-- into this dryer."
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} "When the dryer is in motion, I'll be reporting what I see to you via
} this surgically implanted microphone."
}
} Audience:  "Ooooooooooohh..."
}
} <Two burly stagehands lumber out and unceremoniously toss Geraldo into
}  the dryer.  Then one throws in a basketfull of argyle socks>
}
} <over loudspeakers>  "A bit cramped, but I'll manage."
}
} <The stagehand then closes the lid and presses the "Start" button>
}
} "A bit disorient <thump> ing, but I think I <thump> can manage..."
}
} <Time passes>
}
} "Static's <thump> building up...  I think <thump> I'm going to <thump>
} barf first <thump> though."
}
} <A dull glow illuminates the window of the dryer>
}
} "I see something!  <thump>  It's like a <thump> dirty window being
} <thump> washed, clearing <thump> right before my <thump> eyes!"
}
} <The glow gets brighter>
}
} "Socks!  I see <thump> socks!  Thousands of socks!  Cover <thump> ing
} everything!  Wait!  <thump>  Something's moving, <thump> coming
} closer!"
}
} <The glow becomes impossible to look at>
}
} "Why, It's Snuggles, <thump> the fabric softener <thump> bear!  He's
} walking this <thump> way!  Wait, no, he's <thump> licking his lips!
} <thump, sounds of tearing fabric and metal banging> Please!  No!  Oh,
} my God!  Aaaaaargh!"
}
} <Static comes over the loudspeaker.  The window of the dryer is
} splattered with a red liquid.  The glow fades away>


415-08    (6jc20 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have recently listened to the sermons of jerry falwell.  He says that
> unless I stop sinning, I will go to hell.  Which sins is he
> specifically referring to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now Tammy, I think even you know the answer to that question.  Now that
} Jimmy is up the river, you had to support your habit somehow.  Your
} only hope for eternal salvation, and for that youthfully smooth skin
} for which you have been searching so long, is to stop applying that
} bloody makeup with a garden spade.  Then your penance will be served
} and you can stop punishing yourself by inflicting Jerry upon your ears.
}  We won't even mention that other slightly unsavoury business with the
} Governor of Louisiana.
}
} You owe the Oracle an airsick bag...oops, sorry, too late.


415-09    (7bh40 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh thrilling and demonic Oracle, grant me this morsel of your wisdom.
> How can I get a rhetorician?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little more groveling next time, supplicant, unless you'd like to
} experience a thrilling <ZOT>.
}
} The Oracle divines from your mortal use of the English word "get"
} that the rhetoritician is either a potential employee, romantic
} interest, or enemy (or any combination of the above).  In any of
} the above cases, your object appears to be to bring this rhetoriti-
} cian under your complete control.
}
} Well, whatever you do, DON'T use rhetoric!  For any course of action,
} rhetoricians can come up with 500 convincing reasons to take it, and
} 500 reasons not to.  Every ordinary mortal understands that desires
} come first, THEN reasons, but rhetoriticians tend to become ensnared
} in their own logical webs and are sick, confused misfits as a result.
} They are usually relegated to marginal occupations such as law, the
} military, medicine, and politics.
}
} The Oracle counsels you to use subliminal methods.  Have yourself
} airbrushed into the ice cubes, clouds, pudding, etc. along with the
} word 'SUBMIT' in advertisements that will appear in magazines you know
} the rhetoritician reads.  Have messages of submission to you woven into
} elevator, department store, grocery store, etc., muzak and popular
} music you know the rhetoritician listens to (this is a favorite of the
} Oracle's pal Satan).  Produce one of those half-hour 'infomercials'
} all about the benefits of doing what YOU want.  Put yourself up for
} sale on the Home Shopping Network; the rhetoritician won't know until
} the credit card statement arrives that in reality, YOU own the
} rhetoritician.
}
} If all else fails, you can try 1) being nice to the rhetoritician
} and/or 2) offering the rhetoritician money.
}
} You owe the Oracle the crack of dawn.


415-10    (98d72 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll say, I brought the fight near the Keep, struggled valiantly, and
> gave you the perfect oppurtunity to cast your spells.  What took you so
> long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry all of our lines are busy, please stay on the line and your
} call will be answered in the order it was received.


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