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17 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:14:08 GMT

Internet Oracularities #422

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422, 422-01, 422-02, 422-03, 422-04, 422-05, 422-06, 422-07, 422-08, 422-09, 422-10


Usenet Oracularities #422    (34 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Sun, 15 Mar 92 12:45:50 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   422
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

422   34 votes b8852 86b54 2cc71 06ec2 06d96 19d83 14af4 0a798 24h74 9e731
422   3.0 mean  2.4   2.7   2.8   3.3   3.4   3.1   3.5   3.4   3.2   2.2


422-01    (b8852 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi ho Oracle-o!
>
> Someone just hired the Mafia to kill me undetectably by altering
> Planck's constant in my general vicinity.  How can I fight back
> against this fiendish plan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's ridiculous.  You can't modify a constant.  If the Mafia found
} a way to modify a constant of Nature, than anyone would be susceptible
} to ``bump offs'' by the Maf


422-02    (86b54 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> What's that bug doing in your salad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Crunch, crunch - which bug? That was salad a la feature!


422-03    (2cc71 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been following Richard Nixon's recent speeches, mostly critical
> of Bush's approach to the (former) Soviet Union.  I'm really impressed
> by his intuition into foreign policy, and I'd like to ask you this:
> Can we get this man to run for President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Throughout each generation of man's existence, there has always
} been an older sect that cries, "Back in my day, things were
} better!"  As you are a young whippersnapper, as these elderly
} folk would put it, you seem to think that Nixon is a viable
} choice for the Presidency.  However, let me clue you in on
} what the your elders think of this man.
}
} I don't know if you knew this or not, but Nixon actually used
} to be the one and only President of the United States.  That's
} right, he was!  Unfortunately for him, he was involved in a
} highly-publicized scandal, which basically tried to give the
} executive branch of our government more power than it should
} over Congress.  Now while the Oracle thinks this is a good thing,
} the press at the time didn't agree.  (Of course, many of those
} reporters are..um...not longer with us, but I digress...)
}
} What most people don't know is that Nixon - in fact, the
} whole Republican party - is innocent of the charges.
}
} The secruity system at the Democratic headquarters was, at
} the time, a sliver of chewing gum wrapper put between the
} front door and its frame.  The Dems knew that if the wrapper
} was found missing at any given time, then obviously someone
} has broken in.  Howeverm, it seems that an episode of the
} Disco Kid (the early-70s version of MacGyver) was shot in
} that very building.  Disco grabbed the gum wrapper in order
} to stop the countdown of a Communist mail bomb intended
} for Gerald Ford, the Vice President at that time.  Now, when
} the Democrats saw that their safeguard had been triggered,
} who better to blame than the Republicans?
}
} The media, finally sensing the lack in newsworthiness
} of the the Beatles' break-up of three years before, needed
} a boost in activity.  So, they took the trumpeted the
} accusations for all they were worth.  The next thing you
} knew, it was McCarthyism all over again, ending with Nixon's
} unjust resignation, and a general decrease of sexual activity
} within the Republican party for years to come.
}
} What does all have to do with the election of 1992?  Well,
} while Nixon may be an intelligent man, and probably a much
} better choice than Bush (or Buchanan, or Tsongas, or Clinton),
} he simply can't win without the male Republican vote.  Even
} today, they remember the days in the mid-70s when they weren't
} getting as much sex as they would have liked.  Lack of sex is
} political homocide for *any* candidate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a study on how Clinton will
} win this year's election by phallicy.


422-04    (06ec2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ho!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha!  Trying to impress The Oracle with obscure references, are we?
} Will you mortals never learn.
}
} Naturally, I know quit a bit on the topic.  To wit:
}
} Holmium, from Holmia, the latinized form of Stockholm, Sweden, meaning
} the locality near which minerals rich in yttrium are found.  A
} trivalent metallic element of the rare-earth group that forms
} cream-colored or yellow compounds which are among the most highly
} magnetic known.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new CRC manual, as his old one is getting very
} tired of this kind of question.  Alternatively, since you brought the
} subject up, one of those Swedish movies might be nice.


422-05    (06d96 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and knowing,
>
> Why is it that fraternity members insist on wearing silly looking
> letters, throwing parties where everyone acts like a total moron, and
> generally act completely opposite from the leaders of the future they
> claim to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       But they are behaving as the future leaders of the world.  Do you
} really think they're in the congressional chambers giving/listening to
} speeches?  Do you really think they actually spend their time writing
} legislation they can barely read?  Don't be a cretin.
}
}       No.  They're in there partying their faces off.  If you thought a
} frat party was decadent, you should see what they're like when they're
} funded by your tax dollars.  Peace Dividend?  You bet!  They buy bigger
} kegs and you pay higher taxes.
}
}       "What about what I've seen on C-SPAN?" I hear you ask.  "They're
} all speechmaking and policywriting on TV."  Well, where do you think
} the special effects in Terminator-2 came from?  Pixar?  HAHAHAHA!!
} Their stuff can be duplicated on a home computer in three days.
}
}       No.  The T-2 effects are the unclassified remnants of a
} government project to create a computer simulation of congressmen at
} work suitable for national broadcast.  Why do you think everyone's so
} hot about Virtual Reality?  It's so that real people can tour the
} nation's Capitol and *think* they're seeing they're elected
} representatives hard at work.
}
}       In fact, what they've been seeing for the past few years is the
} most successful implementation of a VR system ever built.  Their
} representatives have in fact been partying in the next room for
} decades.  That's why they all get fat and sloppy; all that beer and
} pretzels.
}
}       This simulation project started in the early sixties to make
} America believe that astronauts actually landed on the moon.  Kennedy
} knew about it, and was going to spill.  Couldn't let that happen...
}
}       You owe The Oracle a hideout.


422-06    (19d83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Oracle!  i'd like to thank you for your offer of employment.  but
> could you please give me more information, e.g. what you're willing to
> pay?  (it's very important to me, because i'm planning on going to grad
> school this fall...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aside from the fact that you should accept whatever wages the Oracle
} deems proper for your worthless labors, lets see if I've got this
} straight:
}
} You're planning on going to grad school and are worried about what
} something will pay?  Don't you know there is a tradition which requires
} that grad studentsbe poor and starving?
}
} This is necessary, because if you are going into a professional
} discipline (law, medicine, etc.) you'll need the humility.  If you are
} going into a technical program (engineering, chemistry, etc.), you'll
} need the experience so you can relate to your lab assistants.  If you
} are going into a humanities program (english, history, etc.), you'll
} need the practice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the unexpurgated Dissertation Abstracts,
} on CD-ROM.


422-07    (14af4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the meaning of life ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever noticed that the amount of grovelling is inversely
} proportional to the relative importance of the question?  Find the
} reason for this, and in the answer to that, you shall find the meaning
} of life.
}
} Hint:  It has nothing to do with Monty Python, and it is NOT 42,
} DAMMIT!!
}
} Question Importance: 10
} Grovelling: 0
}
} Supplicant Survival Index (SSI = Qi / G): Not A Number.
}
} Oracular AutoZOT feature:  Activated.
}
} Oracular AutoDisclaimer feature:  Activated.
}
} Oracular Coffee pot:  Activated.
}
} Blood caffene level: 2%  Diagnosis:  Oracle is wired.
}
} Msg from kinzler@ovillage.barcelona.sp
} I can't shut him down!  Run, you fool, run!
}
} <<< ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ           OOOOOO             TTTTTTTTTTTTTTT    >>>
} <<<           ZZZ         OOO    OOO                 TTT          >>>
} <<<         ZZZ          OOO      OOO                TTT          >>>
} <<<       ZZZ            OOO      OOO                TTT          >>>
} <<<     ZZZ              OOO      OOO                TTT          >>>
} <<<   ZZZ                 OOO    OOO                 TTT          >>>
} <<< ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ          OOOOOO                   TTT          >>>
}
} Msg from root@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} What the f*ck was that!
}
} [For those without multimedia terminals with full motion video, the
}  largest recorded Oracular ZOT has just been released from iuvax.
}  Sporadic reports are coming in that the substation at IU suddenly
}  vaporized, along with much of the electrical distribution system as
}  the Oracular load crisped transmission lines.  The building which
}  houses iuvax is glowing, with some eyewitness accounts stating that
}  several undergrad CS majors were vaporized instantly, leaving their
}  shadows on nearby walls.  Reports are also coming in from Washington,
}  DC.  It appears that the Vice-President's home is now a smouldering
}  crater.  Catch the full report on ONN (the Oracular News Network),
}  which will have complete details as the come in.]
}
} Connection closed.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} No, this couldn't possibly make the Oracularities.  Naahhhh!  They
} wouldn't do that, not in a million years.


422-08    (0a798 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle o mighty, o greatest, o most phantasmagoric
>
> What is the answer to the question of life, the universe, and
> everything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant O puny, O leastest, O most reality-stricken:
}
} Everyone always assumes this is just one question which by suitable
} twiddling and piecewise Riemann integration can yield the answer 42.
} In fact, this is not the case; the three questions must be treated
} separately for true knowledge to occur.  Hence:
}
} --The answer to the question of life--
} Supplicant, all things fall into one of four categories: the living,
} the dead, the non-living but non-dead, and the too small to worry
} about.  We shall look at the latter three first, in the hope that this
} shall enlighten us.
}
} ==The dead==
} These do not concern us; the set is growing ever-larger but, at least
} at present, has no plans to enforce its majority rule.  The dead no
} longer have any influence on the living.
}
} ==The non-living but non-dead==
} These are such things as rocks.  Their sole function in relation to
} life is to enable the transition from the living state to the dead
} state, and that is really their only reason for being here.
}
} ==The too small to worry about==
} Bacteria and the like.  We won't.
}
} So, as you can see, the only things that influence the living are
} rocks. Therefore, the answer to the question of life is: "Watch for
} falling rocks."
}
} --The answer to the question of the universe--
} This question really asks, "What else is there for me?" Luckily, we
} have the daytime soaps to answer that question, as the rich and famous
} go jetting about the world and back in time for Timmy's school play
} later that night (but, for some reason, also three days later that
} week).  Unless someone happens to get conked by a rock, soap stars live
} forever, though sometimes requiring extensive plastic surgery and/or a
} voiceover to explain their new appearances.
}
} Therefore, the answer to the question of the universe is: "Like sand
} through an hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives."
}
} --The answer to the question of everything--
} Supplicant, it is a well-known fact that when you dispose of
} everything, nothing remains.  As a result, to answer this question
} would result in the revocation of my Oracular License and my enforced
} retirement in the Neutral Zone.  Therefore, the answer to the question
} of everything is censored.
} =====
}
} Well, there you have it.  The answer to life, the universe, and
} everything is "Watch for falling rocks, which like sands through an
} hourglass are censored by the Days of Our Lives." Happy to oblige.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rockslide shield, cable TV, a portrait of the CNN
} dot, and a tape of your 42nd birthday party.


422-09    (24h74 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is both piecewise continuous and smooth, who is
> integrable over an infinite range, who extends into the most
> complex of planes and still retains his basic convolution, who
> could call Newton a twit to his face, and still stand, who knows
> Fourier was faking it, and Gauss liked to dress in womens clothing,
> who realizes all the implications of special and general relativity and
> maintains a firm grasp of quantum mechanics while they work on his car,
> and who would never vote for a twit like Buchanan, answer me this one
> question which has vexed me for so long.
>
> Why did I want to study Electrical Engineering?
>
> Oh, great Oracle, who is everything in the above grovel and more,
> if I should change majors, what should I take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm happy to see that you mortals are finally beginning to get the
} rhythm of the grovel. Though you left out that I've solved Fermat's
} Last Theorem.
}
} Now, to your question. I think it is obvious that there are only 3
} reasons why people choose to study electrical engineering: parental
} pressure, inability to relate to anything that doesn't have a
} transistor, and MONEY. The last often makes up for the first two.
} Since I *am* the all-knowing Oracle, I will add that your particular
} urges toward EE are rooted deep in your childhood, when you saw
} your mother's RISC-based architecture.
}
} If you should change majors, I'd recommend something less stressful,
} like Chemistry. If you're the overcompensation type, many Universities
} offer programs in Natural Resource Studies, Peace Studies, Theology
} and others. Research shows that students who graduate in these majors
} tend to: live below the poverty line, have friends named "Popper",
} freak out at school reunions, and manage to feel happy and noble about
} all this.
}
} You owe the Oracle a theology thesis on the Usenet Oracle.


422-10    (9e731 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should the government suspend its new policy of turning drug trafficers
> into pigs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *<RED Light>*  The oracle stays perfectly motionless.
} *<GREEN Light>*  The oracle swiftly moves in bounding steps.
} *<RED Light>*  The oracle is now perfectly motionless, poised to leap
}                on Lisa, who's 'it'.
} *<GREEN Ligh RED Light>*  The oracle tagged Lisa in the millisecond
}                           between.
}
} Lisa pouts, and trying to distract the oracle, says, "here's the mail
} deamon again; you have a question from one of your supplicants."
}
} "All right.", the oracle says, grumbling ever so slightly.  The oracle
} takes the question from the deamon, reads it, and Lisa disappears in
} the microsecond it takes to read the question.
}
} The oracle thinks for a nanosecond, and quips to the deamon, "Yes, drug
} trafficers should be made into traffic lights.".  The oracle then
} transforms the deamon into a little piggey, who runs off going 'wee
} wee' all the way home.


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