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16 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:26:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #434

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Usenet Oracularities #434    (30 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 92 07:59:48 -0500

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   434
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

434   30 votes 078c3 13d94 48b61 14f46 0257g 26886 34d91 03cb4 5aa41 1bb52
434   3.2 mean  3.4   3.4   2.7   3.3   4.2   3.3   3.0   3.5   2.5   2.9


434-01    (078c3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fantabulous Oracle whose brain is larger than the girth of the late
> Orson Welles and whose wine it is always time to sell, I beg you to
> answer my question.
>
> How do you beat Mike Tyson on Nintendo Punch-Out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Watch carefully; this will go fast, and the sequence is important:
}
}   feintduckleftjableftjabrightuppercutfakeleftjabsixyearjailterm


434-02    (13d94 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O omniscient and omnipotent Oracle, whose wisdom passeth all
> understanding, please answer this question from a simple supplicant:
>
> Does anything rhyme with
> (1) "orange"?
> (2) "month"?
> (3) "Gwynedd"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (1) "orange"?
} The only word that rhymes with "orange" is an ancient Sanskrit word
} meaning "he who sucks the marrow out of life but gives the bones to a
} dog".  The Sanskrit letters compossing the word cannot be written on an
} ascii terminal, but an appropriate transliteration gives "Ba Na Na".
}
} (2) "month"?
} "month" is the only word in the known universe which does not rhyme
} with any other word.  This was proved by Gerard D'Guiuie in the 18th
} century, and results certain abstract mathematical arguements too
} complicated to include here.  The existence of one word in the English
} language which did not rhyme with anything else was known to the
} ancient greeks, and several elegant proofs were developed, but they
} were unable to discover what the word was.
}
} "Gwynedd" rhymes with several things depending on how you pronounce it.
}  If read as if it were an English word, it rhymes with "synod" (check
} your dictionary if you don't know it).  However, the spelling suggests
} that the word is originally Welsh, in which case it would be pronounced
} "Gwyneth" and would rhyme with "winneth" and "spinneth" as in:
}
}    There once was a man named "Gwynedd",
}    Who entered a contest he did winneth.
}    So because of the law,
}    They gave him some straw,
}    And as much gold as he could therefrom spinneth.
}
} (Ancient English folk-song)
}
} Since the Oracle successfully made a limerick out of a word you
} believed had no rhyme, you owe the Oracle a beer.


434-03    (48b61 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in Hell, but I don't see the other people.  Where are they?  Or was
> Sartre wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >>Priority 1 process interrupt by jh@satan.edu:
} [The smell of ozone is overcome by that of sulfur]
}
} Hey, buddy, move along.  Yeah, YOU!  Ya gotta question or what?
}
} Sartre? Hmm, lemme look im up.  Oh, yeah, he's selling ties in Moscow
} for an indeterminate period of time.  When he's done with dat, we're
} gonna make him do a biography of Ronald McDonald.
}
} Got anybody else ya want to check up on?  Ya gona be here for a LONG
} time, ya know.
}
} Nietsche?  He's teaching aerobics at da women's exercise salon.  That's
} where we put all dem fatties, ya know.  Momma Cass, Totie Fields, gonna
} have ta build a whole new wing when Rosanne Barr gets here.  (Sorry,
} can't tell ya when, ya ain't got security clearance.)
}
} Wait till ya hear dis great idea da Boss came up with fer George
} Steinbrenner, hawkin' peanuts at da old Polo Grounds.  Is he brilliant
} or what?
}
} Awright, here's yer new home:  Ya gotta sit in front of dis terminal
} and answer questions for da Usenet Oracle like:  "How much wood can a
} woodchuck chuck...", and "Why is my elephant riding a left handed
} tricycle?"
}
} BWA HA HA HA HA!   <ZOT!!!>
} [The sky lights up with a fiendishly red glow, which slowly fades to
} black]
}
} :Uh, this is the Oracle speaking.  Sorry about that!  I guess I better
} :junk that new ethernet card, I thought it said HAYES not HADES!


434-04    (14f46 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and sanctimonious Oracle, whose infinte wisdom
> is....well...infinite, whose knowledge transcends time and space,
> whose......aw, enough of this crap!
>
> Why is it that the only time you REALLY need to get somewhere in a
> hurry, some old grandma or grandpa has decided to take a Sunday drive
> at 10 miles per hour and you can't get around them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CRAP!? <lightening bolts whizz around you and you fear for your life>
}
} Groveling will get you everywhere.
}
} Your problem is universal.  Let's explore a proven remedy.
} <you are transported from your terminal on to the starship enterprise>
}
} KIRK:"Mr. Sulu what is the hold up?"
} SULU:"Sir, there is a Jupiter IV Senior Citizen shuttle ahead."
} KIRK:"How fast are they going?"
} SULU:"Warp factor 0.00345, sir."
} KIRK:"Chekov, flash the Headlights and go around them."
} CHEKOV:"I've flashed the lights and they won't budge."
} KIRK:"Spock, what do you make of them?"
} SPOCK:"Captain, the shuttle is being driven by a 75 year old human."
} KIRK (muttering):"This always happens.  A planet is being destroyed and
}                   were being held up by the cane and walker corp."
} KIRK (aloud):"Uhura, hail them"
} SHUTTLE:"I am Charlie of Jupiter IV SENCIT.  State you're business."
} KIRK:"There is an emergency across the galaxy and you're in our way."
} SHUTTLE:"We are going the speed limit, sir."
} KIRK:"MOVE THAT PIECE OF CRAP BEFORE I BLOW YOUR ..."
} SPOCK:"Captain, please"
} KIRK:"Move or be destroyed. Chekov ready phasers and photon torpedoes"
} SPOCK:"We have a lock on target."
} KIRK:"Kiss your kiester goodbye. Chekov, fire when ready."
} The enterprise fires and the shuttle is destroyed in a brilliant flash.
} KIRK:"Sulu, warp factor 9.  Scotty?"
} SCOTTY:"Aye captain?"
} KIRK:"I need 110% on the warp engines."
} SCOTTY:"She's got all she can take but I'll try."
}
} The enterprise rides off to save the colony and a valuable lesson is
} learned.
}
} <You are transported down to your terminal and wonder if it was all a
} dream>
}
} Next time pupil, just blast them away with your photon torpedos.
} Warp speed ahead!!!!


434-05    (0257g dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  notion in the Quayle-Conrad paper, compatibility of graphs. Please see
> my paper for the definition.
>
> These results are contained in my paper ``Linear Logic, Coherence and
> Dinaturality'' which has been accepted at TCS. Unfortunately, I can't
> put it on FTP, since there are a number of drawn diagrams. (TeXing
> proof nets was beyond me) If anyone would like a copy, they could send
> me their (ordinary) mail address and I will send it along. A short
> version of this work appeared in SLNCS
> 19284671029387568124376123908746.
>
> But WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, indeed.  Whoever left this scrap of a clue was gone before I
} could say `<ZOT>'.  The note itself was forboding.  The reference to
} TeX could only mean that I'd be running into Don "the Enforcer" Knuth
} before all this was over.  I donned my trench coat and fedora, and
} headed into the grimey wet streets of net.town.
}
} My favorite informer, `Archie', was at his local hangout: McGill's
} place. I asked him what he knew about Quayle and Conrad.  Archie musta
} talked for an hour.  Hundreds of false leads, and just maybe one good
} one.  I took a minute to get a grep on the situation, and I suddenly
} saw the best lead: some paper's with the goons' names all over them,
} and it bore the TeX signature.  Trouble was, the paper was over on EE
} street.  Ya don't just cycle over to that part of the net without root
} privaledge, if ya know what I meen.  There're guys down there that'd
} hit ya right in the instruction cache with a pipe-line just for laughs.
}
} I knew how to fit in down there, though.  I ditched my get-up for a
} buttodown white shirt, horned-rim glasses and a pocket protector.  I
} got by no problem.  Sure enough, right off a dingy leaf-node, there it
} was: a dark warehouse that just said "/pub/tex" on the front in
} peeling, faded paint.
}
} I knocked on the door, and a gravelly voice came out of the dark:
}
}   "Yeah, whadda ya want?"
}
}   "chmod 0777 *", I grumbled.  These guys are a sucker for old
}   passwords.
}
} The door creaked open.  I could still see no one.
}
}   "I need to get some archives for the boss".
}
}   "Second door on da left".
}
} A dim light shown under the door.  I strolled down as slowly as I
} could, and opened it up.  It was a tiny room lit by a bare bulb.  The
} walls were lined with filing cabnets, with just enough room for my boot
} straps. Fortunately, the directory system was as old as their password,
} and I found the paper after a few moments.  It was a spaghetti of
} backslashes, braces and words containing `box'.  TeX, all right.  And
} that could only mean that it meant a pretty picture for the Knuth-types
} setting it up.
}
} I grabbed the file and started making my way back toward the door.
}
}   "Not so fast".
}
} Knuth. I whirled around, reaching for my escape key.  Too late.
}
}   "I'm disappointed.  I thought the mighty detective would be much
} harder to capture than this.  But now, your just an anonymous entry,
} and no one will ever see the logs to know you were here."
}
} If the big guy himself was here, these files must be pretty important.
} Time to bluff.
}
}   "I'm on to you.  I know what these files are.  Not just another
} texbook, are they?"
}
} A tiny flicker in his eye gave him away.  I was dead-on right.  There
} could only be one reason he was here, one reason this was so important.
}
}   "This is volume 4.  `Combinatorial Algorithms'.  And you've got no
}   backup."
}
} I heard an almost-silent scrape behind me.  I pulled out the file, and
} held it over a bit-bucket that I was standing next to.
}
}   "Call off your goons, Knuth, or you'll never see this file again.
} Everyone will think your grand project is forgotten before you can
} reconstruct it."
}
} He twiched his hand, and I heard steps moving away.  I ways almost home
} free. Never breaking eye-contact with Knuth, I bent down for the
} bit-bucket, and started moving for the door.
}
}   "This is all a mistake", he said.  "We're all reasonable men here."
}
} I let out a short, humorless laugh.
}
}   "Yeah, sure.  `Reasonable'.  It was on account of your `reason' that
} I was trapped for days looking up the references for "circular logic"
} in volume one.  If Lisa hadna come to check on me, I mighta been there
} forever."
}
} Almost to the door.
}
}   "I'm not gonna let that happen again.  Blowing my stack like that cut
} right to my core.  But I'm safe, now.  You'll never get by my run-time
} checking again."
}
} I was there.  I tossed the file at the goons and the bucket at Knuth,
} and dashed out the door.  The following moments of confusion was enough
} to make my escape, and get to a safe node.
}
} Back in my office, I knew the mystery was only half-solved.  Sure, I
} had Knuth's next volume, and I could find all the traps at my leisure.
} Only trouble was, he'd be looking for me.  Knuth is not one that's
} quick to forget, but neither am I.  Our next meeting is sure to be
} interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a laser printer and a Pascal compiler.


434-06    (26886 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>   You omnipresent, omnipotent one and only true Oracle,
>
>   can you tell me, what is going on in the White House right now ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Bill Clinton has decided to test-drive the Presidential brass
} bed by doing the "horizontal bop" with Barbara Bush.  Millie is
} horrified, but tells no one.
}
} 2.  Lee Iacocca has teamed up with the ghost of Lee Atwater and
} General Robert E. Lee to form a Dixeland Banjo Orchestra.  They
} give moonlight concerts in the Rose Garden, where the ghosts of
} all the old White House dogs (Checkers, the basset hounds, et.
} al) howl them off the stage.
}
} 3.  George Bush is putting on his jogging shoes to run down to
} the Willard Hotel and have a toss in the hay with Gennifer
} Flowers.  The National Enquirer, the Star, the Sun and the Weekly
} World News are putting on _their_ jogging shoes to try and follow
} the President.
}
} 4.  The ghost of Jimmy Carter was bitten by another rabbit, whic
} h is amazing, since he's not dead yet (technically).
}
} 5.  Jerry Brown is having a rendez-vous with Doro Bush LeBlond as
} a sort of "pre-wedding fling."  In this midst of coitus, however,
} he mistakenly calls her "Linda Ronstadt," and she slaps him,
} which causes him to lose tumescence.  Millis is horrifed, but
} tells no one.
}
} 6.  A group of Pro-Choice demonstrators who wandered into the
} White House this weekend to use the bathroom are still waiting in
} line, lending strength to the old argument that women take longer
} than men.
}
} 7.  Meanwhile, in the East Wing, a group of Italian-Americans are
} holding a sausage stuffing contest to see if they can raise
} enough money to get Mario Cuomo to run.  A long, black limousine
} is sitting at the curb, waiting, just waiting, for Mario to make
} a bid, so that its occupants can start the business of *really*
} running the country.
}
} 8.  The ghost of Checkers, after taking a nostalgic and
} refreshing whiz on one of the White House magnolias, runs barking
} after Millie, hoping to "get some," or "cut a slice."  Millie is
} horrified, but tells no one.
}
} 9.  Millie, tired of all the silence, summons a Weekly World News
} reporter with her paw.  The reporter, who had been lagging begind
} the pack anyway, runs to speak with the First Dog, and snags an
} exclusive.
}
} 10. After Bush, Clinton and Brown are all caught "in flagrante" a
} at the White House, and after Mario Cuomo again declines to run,
} Millie and Dan Quayle run against one another, and Millie is
} elected president of the United States.
}
} Barbara, of course, resumes her role as first lady.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  Just remember to vote.


434-07    (34d91 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh Great and Nifty Oracle...
> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have hit upon a very difficult question, for a mortal that is.
} A mortal asking about life is like a fish wanting to understand the
} ocean or a tree the forest.  Both the fish and the tree are simply
} too close to the object to be able to see its entirity and
} understand their place within it.  In order to truely comprehend
} anything, you must step back and look at it from the outside.  Hence,
} a fish must be taken from the ocean before it can understand what
} the ocean is.  Likewise, the tree must be removed from the forest
} before it can understand the forest.
}
} You can see where this is heading, can't you?
}
} Thus, I shall help you step back and take a good look at life.
} [ Winding up for a good <ZOT>... ]
}
} Msg from kinzler@ovillage.barcelona.sp....
} I warned you Oracle.  No more gratuitus <ZOT>ing.
}
} Oh come on Steve, this mortal wants to know and I just want
} to help him.  He's asking me!
}
} Msg from kinzler@ovillage.barcelona.sp....
} Tell me, how badly do you want to want to understand the
} Internet...
}
} Ok ok. Geez, some people.  [ Grumpily ]  So mortal, the meaning
} of life is to get outside, watch the pretty birdies, smell the *&!%$
} flowers, and other !@&^* like that.  Now excuse me while I go puke.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better mood.


434-08    (03cb4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, who's exploits are legendary, who's <Zot>ting
> power greater than can be generated by General Electric *AND*
> Con-Edison, please answer my humble query.....
>
> It's Saturday night, and I'm home all alone.
>
> what's wrong with this picture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One moment while I adjust the focus...  Ah.  Indeed, there you are, in
} a rather unkempt studio apartment on--the Upper West Side, I believe?
}
} Oh, this is too easy.  There are precisely eight things wrong with this
} picture:
}
} 1) The painting on the wall is signed "H Bosch."  It is in fact a
}    reproduction of "The Fall of Icarus" by Pieter Brueghel, not Bosch.
} 2) The rear hind leg of your Doberman has been drawn so that it is
}    pointing backwards.
} 3) One of the angelfish in the aquarium is smoking a pipe.
} 4) The music coming out of your stereo is the Tallis Scholars'
}    recording of Josquin's Missa Pange Lingua, but the disk in the CD
}    player is labelled "Best of 60's Garage Rock."
} 5) Half of your mustache is pointing upwards and the other half is
}    pointing down.
} 6) Your cat is chasing an enormous planarian.  Presumably it should
}    be a mouse.
} 7) Your old cloth-bound copy of Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" has a
}    copyright date of 1854.  The first edition of "Leaves of Grass"
}    was not published until 1855.
} 8) Whoever is playing Adventure on your PC just teleported from the
}    well house to the Debris Room by saying "XZYYZ".  (I nearly missed
}    that one, I'll admit.)
}
} You owe the Oracle one Kid's Meal with a George Jetson prize.


434-09    (5aa41 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of all Oracles, please answer this question,
>   what are the ten worst things to do in Chicago ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               TOP TEN WORST THINGS TO DO IN CHICAGO
}
}       10. Ask directions to see the Empire State Building.
}        9. Jump off the Sears tower.
}        8. Anger men named Vinny the Hacksaw.
}        7. Tug on Superman's cape.
}        6. Spit into the wind.
}        5. Pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.
}        4. Mess around with Jim.
}        3. Make fun of Al Capone.
}        2. Run naked through the streets, whistling "Dixie".
}        1. Take favors or money from anyone (especially Vinny the
}           Hacksaw).
}
} You owe the Oracle the book "Chicago Mobs of the 20s", and a copy of
} the Star Trek episode "A Piece of the Action".


434-10    (1bb52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
>       Look, I'm not exactly sure about this whole oracle thing, but my
> staff seems to think that you've got a pretty good grasp on the whole
> Mideastern agenda thing so we're going to ask your advice.
>
>       We've got some real problems concerning this whole Libyian thing
> and I'm not sure how to back out of it. American patriots built by real
> God fearing Americans are now sitting off the shores of Italy to
> defending those brave and courageous people from the attack of
> terrorist scum like the Libyians.  Unfortunately, they still have not
> agreed to what the United Nations and the world sees as their
> responsibility to stop the international terrorism thing.
>
>       What type of advice would you give me in this situation?
>
> Sincerely,
> Pres. George Herbert Walker Bush

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say that your best bet would be this:
}
} Travel due south from Italy towards Libya - about 80miles past Sicily
} you'll hit an archipelago of islands known as the Maltese Islands. Fund
} a coup in that country to allow the local Socialist party back into
} power, then declare war on the Islands in the name of good ole' Western
} ideals of freedom, etc.  Once that's done, you should have little
} problem setting up a seat of power there, under the US flag. Then claim
} your international right to a 200mile limit on your territorial waters
} - that puts most of the coastline of Libya within your territory, so
} you have no problem telling the Libyans in Benghazi to get the hell off
} your territory, blasting the beggars as they go. The rest of the Libyan
} nation would be pushed far south into the Sahara, and deprived of
} coastline, would have little access to water - they'd soon die.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vision of Apocalypse and a visit to Armageddon.


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