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18 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:22:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #439

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439, 439-01, 439-02, 439-03, 439-04, 439-05, 439-06, 439-07, 439-08, 439-09, 439-10


Usenet Oracularities #439    (31 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 27 Apr 92 08:55:53 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   439
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

439   31 votes 5b852 13dd1 5d562 44a94 8b831 26bb1 0aa83 0186g 37c90 23c95
439   3.1 mean  2.6   3.3   2.6   3.2   2.3   3.1   3.1   4.2   2.9   3.4


439-01    (5b852 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, Oracle, Great and Big,
> What colour should I paint my pig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sit here minding business mine
} and you wish to dye a swine?
}
} The color should be done with care
} and not harm its hide nor hair
}
} I would suggest plaid you see
} because plaid appeals to me
}
} but it would be hard for find
} on a round pig, a straight line
}
} So one full color I suggest
} and to finish with this swinish jest
}
} my advice to you, whether young or old
} "It's an olympic year, go for the Gold!"


439-02    (13dd1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #1  What image symbolizes the absolute of your desires?
>
> #2  Describe ways your life is affected by invisible forces
> you don't understand or are barely aware of.
>
> #3  Tell a good lie.
>
> #4  Write a beautiful blasphemy that makes you feel like crying.
>
> #5  Describe the circumstances in which you were most dangerously
> alive.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well!  You might not have groveled at all, but your questions bring
} back a few memories.  So here you are:
}
} 1. Lisa is covered with jello and whipped cream, holding a small
} Shih-Tzu which is wearing a Frederick's G-string.  There are marble
} columns in the background which are purple with mirrors and the floor
} is covered with Velcro.  In the background a Red Sovine song is playing
} faintly.
}
} 2. I get up every morning, grumble out of bed, sit in front of my
} terminal, and proceed to answer qyestions from ignorant mortals who
} haven't a chance of getting a clue before they bite the big one.  Why?
}
} 3. Bush really does mean well.  He doesn't have any personal power
} interests whatsoever.  He's out to help the farmers and the manual
} workers.  It's just that all the red tape he deals with means he has to
} make decisions that make him look like a power-hungry war-monger who's
} licking the boots of the rich.
}
} 4. Elvis is dead.  Dead and buried.  He is *not* operating a hot-dog
} stand in Dubuque, Iowa with Jim Morrison.
}
} 5. Well, there was one episode... I was visiting Olympus, and ran into
} a babe called Aphrodite.  She was pretty hot, and invited me over to
} her palace for a little Crisco and Hershey's Syrup.  I accepted, and we
} were having a grand old time until her husband Hephaestus showed up.
} He came after me with an anvil, and let me tell ya, a couple of
} Oracular <ZOT>s to the head didn't even make him blink.  A <SMITE>
} slowed him down a little, but I ended up having to run in a most
} undignified fashion (that is, without my pants).  Hephaestus is a
} pretty big guy, and all that weight finally slowed him down.  I got
} away.
}     But this is all an introduction.  The moment I was most dangerously
} alive was when I snuck back into the Oracular palace without my pants
} and had to try and explain to Lisa what I had been doing.  Take my
} advice. Don't ever get her pissed off at you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Barbara Walters interview.


439-03    (5d562 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Christopher Pettus" <christopher_pettus@qm.taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...what the little "o" means on the diagnostic LED of a Tektronix
> 8560 multi-user software development unit's disk controller
> board, which is refusing to boot...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The little "o" means that an oceanic otter (named Octavia O'Connor) --
} obviously, oblivious to the obligations of her office, has obviously
} oozed or ostentatiously opted or otherwise offstaged to some orgy or
} oratorio or other odious occurrence.


439-04    (44a94 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do mathematics suck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Brownstein's axiom of negative mathematical distribution states:
}
}           2
}     P = Hv / r
}
} where r is the integral of f(s)dt over the range of an academic
} semester. Since s can also be defined as function v for sufficiently
} large delta v's, you can substitute
}
}     f(s)dt = f'(v)dt
}
} However, at sufficiently large delta v's (which can be experimentally
} shown to be much more than two sigmas below an academic semester),
} f'(v) is a negative function that decreases without bound.  (Proof of
} this is left as an exercise.)
}
} Since H is always positive (as is the square of v, of course), over one
} semester or more the value of P, the pressure exerted by mathematics,
} is negative.  Ergo, mathematics sucks.  QED
}
} ========================================================================
} You owe the Oracle a proof of Fermat's last theorem, to be delivered
} before 3:00PM tomorrow afternoon.
}
} Oh, and by the way...  That problem set in Differential Equations, the
} one you pulled the all-nighter on and slipped under the TA's door at
} the very last minute in one last desperate attempt to pass the course?
} All the TA ever found upon opening the door was a rectangular smudge of
} ash.  You see, I <ZOT>'ed it because you made not even a flimsy attempt
} at groveling.  Rules are rules, you know.


439-05    (8b831 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who I fear to even grovel to, keeper of the
> thousand-eyed hydra, wearer of exciting underwear, and grower of the
> infinite toenail polish remover, do this one thing for me...
>
> Hey, Oracle, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
>
> Nuth'n up ma sleeve....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong hat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seven-and-a-half and something he'll really like.


439-06    (26bb1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail, Oh Convoluted One!  I smack my forehead against the dust at your
> feet! I knock my temples against your doorkocker in hopes of an answer!
> I extoll your greatness whilst spinning dizzily in the rinse cycle of
> my washing machine to prove my devotion to your infinite divinty!  I..
> I..  I..
>
> I've forgotten my question...
>
> NO WAIT!  Here it is...
>
>       Why is it that the first time I sent out a question to the
> Oracle, I was immediately asked for a reply to another question, and
> yet, was not so asked on subsequent questions?  Is there a shortage of
> questions? A surplus of Oracles?  A limited supply of multiverse serial
> numbers?
>
> Save me from uncertainty, Oh Supercalifragelistic One!  Tell me WHY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} We apologise for the sub-standard service you have experienced with
} regard to question supply.  This was due to our not having received the
} relevant parts from our supplier.  Needless to say, the supplier has
} now been subjected to a painful and unrepeatable form of Japanese
} torture.
}
} As recompense for the trouble caused, please select any one of the
} following complementary questions and return the answer to the above
} address.
}
} Yours faithfully,
}
}       P. N. Wunys,
}       Oracularity Supply Services, Inc.
}
} Your FREE questions are as follows.
}
} 1.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
}     wood?
} 2.  Why?
} 3.  What's the difference between a duck?
} 4.  Is Lisa good in bed?
} 5.  Can I get a date with Lisa?
} 6.  I'm a complete computer geek.  How can I get laid?
} 7.  Why did the chicken cross the road?
} 8.  Is there anything more embarassing than getting your Willy frozen
}     to the windsceen-wiper of a police cruiser?
} 9.  What is a <ZOT!>?
} 10. I'm bored.  What can I do?
} 11. What are the questions on the next exam paper?
} 12.
} 13. I can't remember the question.
} 14. What is the meaning of life?
} 15. What's the difference between MC Hammer and MC Escher?
} 16. What's the difference between a salami and a salamander?
} 17. What's the difference between Solaris and Polaris?
} 18. Who will be the next President?
} 19. What's the strangest question you've ever been asked?
} 20. When will ZYLOXIPHOBIN be invented?


439-07    (0aa83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From New York ("May we check your bags?") it's Late Night, with
> David Letterman!  Dave's guest tonight is the Usenet Oracle!
> Also, Paul Shafer and the World's Most Dangerous Band.
>
> And now, Mr. Wardrobe himself, it's David Letterman!
>
> <Music, applause>
>
> DL: Hello, how are you, nice to see you.  (Please excuse me
>     while I take a moment to enjoy my jacket.  Ah...)
>
>     Ladies and Gentlemen, you could not have chosen a more
>     entertaining program to view right there in the comfort
>     of your own home.  Tonight, we have the Usenet Oracle
>     with us, and we'll be bringing out the Oracle in just a
>     moment.  But first, please say hello to our friend Paul
>     Shafer.  Paul...
>
> PS: Thank you Dave, thank you.  Dave, I can't tell you how
>     excited I am that the Usenet Oracle is here.
>
> DL: I know what you mean, Paul.  Paul, do you have a question
>     for the Oracle?
>
> PS: Well Dave, I was going to ask the Oracle what the heck
>     do I have to do to get a show of my own.  Ha ha, just
>     kidding Dave.
>
> DL: Very funny Paul.  You know Paul, you can be replaced by
>     a fifty buck Casio, you know.
>
>     Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest has been gracing
>     us mere mortals with wisdom for many years now.  Please
>     welcome the all-know, all-seeing, Carnak the Magnificent!
>     Heh heh, just kidding.  Here now, ladies and gentlemen,
>     the Usenet Oracle!
>
> <applause>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} UO: Dave, to answer you questions, yes, no, three of them, you'll have
}     to ask Lisa, it's physically impossible for you without surgery.
}     And Paul, 2 mg each day should be enough and it's difficult to
}     prove anything.
}
} DL: What---
}
} UO: I hoped you would ask me that. You owe the oracle (incarnated as
}     bof@cs.uq.oz.au) an apology for the fourth question.
}


439-08    (0186g dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O!  Oracle,MostGreat  Wisest  OfThe  Wise  AndThe  Entity      That
> The  GoddessesOfThe  Sexiest  Bodys  Drool  Upon  Please  Tell  Me!
> What  IsTheAnswer,  Oh!Great  Deity  ToThis  My  QuestionThat  Must
> BeOne  OfTheWorst  Questions         Created    ByThisPerson  (Me!)
> JustTo  Be   One  Confusing,         AndWierd  QuestionThat  YouCan
> Detect,    By    ThisSimple,  IfOdd  Fashion:  YouMustSquintYourEye
> GentlyIn  This  DirectionAnd  Then,  TheQuery  WillBecomeRe  Vealed

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  OracleReplyNumberTenKazillionAndThree,InResponseToAboveQuestion.
}  O!  Querent,WhoHasTo  OwnOne  OfThe  Nicest  Screen  EditorsThat
}  The  Oracle'sHadThe  Delight  ToSee  WhatYou  Have  AskedIsAmong
}  That  OfTheHardest  Thousand  Posts  ToComeTo  My  MailBoxSinceI
}  Began  Tolerating  Questions         Addressed    ToMeInThisPoor
}  Style.  It   IsA  ProblemIAm         NotCertain  YouAreWillingTo
}  Hearken    My    AnswerTo.If  Brave  YouAre,And  StrongOfHeart,I
}  AskYouTo  Look  AtMyResponse  InThe  SameManner  AtYourOwnRisk.I
}  MustTell  YouI  WishYouNever  Asked  SuchARisky  Question.YouSee
}  MortalsWereNeverMeantToKnowThingsLikeThis.AllMortalsWantToAccept
}  SomethingAlongTheLinesOfDivineIntervention,ThatTheirLivesAsAFact
}  Do  AddUpTo  MoreThan     Simply            ATiny      PensionAt
}  An    EndTo  ACareer  And  Lunch            Once  Each  WeekAtMc
}  D.  I  Hate  ToTell  You,I  ReallyDo,  ButLifeJustIs  OneBigSlab
}  Of  &*  #!%  After  Another  GotIt???  YouWakeEarly  BeforeSheep
}  Or  Pig  Or  Other  Animals  WithMore  ReasonAndYou  DoItInOrder
}  To  Kill  A  Little  Time!  HearMe,Oh  Humans!YourMiserableLives
}  Of  WoeTo    MeAreSo  Fun  ToWatch!HA  HAHAHAHAHAHA  HA!JustWait
}  To  FindOut  IfYouCan     EverBecomeA  HumanBeingOf  Happiness.I
}  DoubtIt!YouOweTheOracleMontyPython's"TheMeaningOfLife"InBetaForm


439-09    (37c90 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O wondrous Oracle whose name shall not be taken in vain, except in
> comparison to the more notable Greek Gods,
>
>         How is it that chocolate is considered an aphrodisiac, when it
> never brings me romance, yet brings acne and puppy fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "The Usenet Oracle": "An answer to the #Qa09602 question is required by
} the Oracle." (Apr 22,  6:26):
}
} First of all, dear supplicant, congratulations for your excellent
} grovelling! And now to the matter at hand..
}
} The answer lies in the question itself. Ask yourself "considered BY
} WHOM?" and the following facts become evident:
}
} * CHOCOLATE AND COURTSHIP: The heart-shaped chocolate box is an age-old
} metaphor of old-fashioned courting.  Hundreds of such boxes have been
} presented to young maidens by handome suitors in older Hollywood movies
} and syndicated cartoons.  But HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RECIPIENT EAT THE
} CONTENTS? Of course not; the lady is delighted by the present but
} promptly hands it to the plump servant maid, takes the suitor's arm and
} leads him to the patio to meet her parents.
}
} This may partly be because actresses must watch their figure; but so do
} all unmarried women nowadays.  It wasn't always that way: the current
} concept of feminine beauty differs radically from e.g.  the baroque
} one. The lovely ladies of Rubens were free to eat as much chocolate as
} they liked! This is a special case of THE PRINCIPLE OF LUXURY FADS (and
} chocolate certainly is one): something is luxurious only as long as
} only the wealthiest can get it.  Consider e.g. the tan: In former
} times, most people had to work outdoors, so the rich flaunted their
} wealth by staying in and obtaining a milk-white skin.  After
} industrialization most people began working indoors, so the rich
} started flaunting the fact that they can afford to lie in the sun.
}
} BTW, guess what happened to the chocolate box? Yep, the maid ate it.
} She will stay an old maid, due to her looks, and remain a loyal servant
} of the family. Doubly clever.
}
} * CHOCOLATE AND ROMANCE: The strongest - and perhaps only - connection
} between chocolate and romance is the connection between the pulp
} magazine rack and the candy rack in your local store. Their intended
} consumers are the same; "C'mon, pick up a romantic paperback and a big
} box of chocolate - you'll never have a real date anyway.."
}
} Both products employ the same marketing gimmicks: just consider the
} people in the paperback covers and candy bar ads.  Young, slender,
} beautiful,..  the kind of people who probably obey the strictest diets.
} This insultingly simple formula works as well: the makers of Mars &c.
} are among the 10 wealthiest families in the world.
}
} * CHOCOLATE AND LOVE: Scientists have discovered that chocolate
} contains a certain enzyme, which the human body emits when in love.
} Therefore they speculate that excessive chocolate-eating is
} unconsciously used to cure the "hang-over" after an affair.
} Unfortunately, some addicts become junkies and cannot stop, even after
} a decent mourning period. Sweden, a North-European country renowned for
} its casual attitude towards not only sex but also other emotional
} subjects, is now offering rehabilitation for chocolate junkies. The
} treatment consists of an overdose of Marabou milk chocolate and a
} stomach pump.
}
} * CHOCOLATE AND SEX: This is really an unsuitable subject for a
} discussion accessible to minors without parental guidance.  Suffice it
} to say that chocolate stains are very difficult to remove from silk
} sheets.
}
} These should be enough for you to draw your own conclusions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a revised paperback edition of "The Capital" by Karl
} Marx with a happy ending. And 100mg of melted chocolate intravenously.


439-10    (23c95 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O tasteful Oracle, whose phone cord is never tangled, who can drink
> even the most heinous beer and yet enjoy it and not be hung over the
> next morning, whose hair is more elegantly coiffed than Cher's and yet
> is still pleasing to look at, please answer for me this question:
>
> When I'm lifting weights, what can I do to avoid being distracted by
> the large-breasted woman who is always on the Stairmaster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While focusing on your inner chi, repeat this mantra over and over
} again: "they're_probably_dow_corning_implants_they're_probably_dow_corni
} ng_implants"and find what peace there maybe found in silicone, er,
} silence.


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