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Internet Oracularities #441

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441, 441-01, 441-02, 441-03, 441-04, 441-05, 441-06, 441-07, 441-08, 441-09, 441-10


Usenet Oracularities #441    (44 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 4 May 92 07:31:58 -0500

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   441
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

441   44 votes 09la4 3beb5 5gc74 5f7b6 lb651 7ag65 033fn 7kc41 2dfa4 9gf22
441   2.9 mean  3.2   3.1   2.8   3.0   2.0   2.8   4.3   2.4   3.0   2.4


441-01    (09la4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Mr. Oracle
>
>    For reasons which will soon become clear, I am not very used to
>  grovelling. My name is Thor, and I used to be a god at Valhalla.
>  However, due to a lack of demand for gods, Valhalla has had to
>  rationalise. Just last week, Odin gave us a speech thanking us for our
>  services, and giving us our redundancy notices. As you can imagine we
>  were all pretty angry, and I was about to throw my hammer at Odin, but
>  was stopped when he threatened legal action (as well as a few ZOTs in
>  self defence). Valhalla is now a small one room office in Monte Carlo.
>  Odin spends all day on the beach. However, this has put me at loose
>  end, since I have eternity on my hands and nothing to do. I have
>  applied for a few jobs, but frankly a lot of them are just beneath my
>  dignity. And besides having been a god, I have not had any interview
>  experience. Could you make me a few suggestions for suitable jobs for
>  an ex-god.
>
>                               Yours Sincerely
>                               Thor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A couple of this year's baseball teams could certainly use a strong
} hitter. The Cleveland Indians and Detroit Tigers have been down on
} their luck, and somebody who can swing a hammer like you could handle a
} bat with no problem.
}
} Since they're both cities mired heavily in the industrial regions of
} the United States, you could freelance during the off-season as a
} hydraulic press.
}
} If you want to go for big money, you could write an expose about the
} goings-on at Valhalla.  Something hot and steamy must've happened.  If
} life was actually boring up there, you could hire Ivana Trump's ghost-
} writer.  He seems to have a pretty active imagination.
}
} If money isn't an issue, you could keep yourself in the public eye by
} occasionally disturbing the weather patterns, up-ending small cities,
} and suchlike.  I hear Tojo Pictures in Tokyo is looking for a suitable
} opponent for Godzilla.
}
} Go for it.  Sitting on your duff for a few millenia has dulled your
} imagination, but a bit of thought will open you to a world of
} possibilities.


441-02    (3beb5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm I going to pass my Finance class????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW TO PASS YOUR FINANCE CLASS
} ------------------------------
} by T. U. Oracle
}
} There are many ways in which you can pass your finance class. Some of
} these are outlined below.
}
} 1.    Find out where and when your Finance class is. Wait until
}       about 10 minutes after your class has started, and then walk
}       past the room. There! You have passed your Finance class.
}
} 2.    Put your Finance class onto a slow-moving bus. Get in your
}       Ferrari and overtake the bus, thus passing your Finance
}       class.
}
} 3.    Pick up your Finance class, and throw it to the seven-foot
}       centre posting up, who then makes an easy basket.
}
} 4.    Twenty-four hours before your final examination, eat your
}       Finance class. Then at the examination, excuse yourself to go
}       to the toilet, and pass your Finance class.
}
} You owe the Oracle your Finance class, as he has no class.


441-03    (5gc74 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle wise
> Answer me this
> Would it be wiser to partake
> Of new or classic Coke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Join me now, class, as we take a look at one of the more uncurable
} diseases in the world today: anachronitis.  Sufferers of this horrible
} malady are under the impression that the world has never left the
} golden years of their youth.  They just can't deal with life in the
} present, and pretend they are still in their chosen year.  Let me just
} pop the tape in...Could someone dim the lights, please?
}
} [the room darkens]
}
} OK, class, listen to this poor man:
}
} "Ohhh, man, like what's happening?  Hey, man, you don't have like a
} toke or a hit on you, do you?  I was just listening to some Dead and I
} ran out of hits, man.  Peace..."
}
} This man is under the delusion that he is still living in the 1960's.
} Now, we consider this a mild case of the disease, as many people WOULD
} like to regress to the sixties, when dope was "cool" and women were
} into cheap, gratuitous, sex...but to continue.  Note the tinge of
} paranoia in this next person, who believes himself in the 1950's:
}
} "Hey...you've got hair down to your COLLAR, boy.  That kind o' stuff
} is UNAMERICAN, son.  You wouldn't be associated with one of them there
} COMMUNIST ORGANIZATIONS, now would you?  Might have to haul you up in
} front of a COMMITTEE.  I was you, I'd be gettin' me a haircut...or a
} dog tag.  What's it gonna be, boy?"
}
} This, also, is considered a mild case.  Although 50's retrogression
} can be dangerous for those who are not white males, it is
} understandable for those who are, as this was one of the easiest times
} to be one.  Next, we have a more severe case.  This man seems to be
} regressed almost back to the 20's or 30's:
}
} "Well, I remember back when I was costarring with Bonzo.  There were
} little Mom-n-Pop grocery stores on every corner, bread was a nickel,
} and no one even thought about burning the flag.  It was truly morning
} in America.  Do you remember those days, Mommy?"
}
} Note the reference to this man's mother.  He obviously wants to return
} to his childhood.  This man is clearly dangerous, and should be kept
} away from the public, especially the public's money.
} Now, class, we have our most severe case.  This person has masochistic
} and very unhealthy tendencies.  He seems to be regressing, not to the
} happy 50's, 60's or any easier times, but to 1987!  Why, you ask?  It's
} unknown, but we certainly would never let THIS person out on the
} street:
}
} > Would it be wiser to partake
} > Of new or classic Coke?
}
} [Class:  Ooooohhhhh]
}
} Yes, indeed, this is a landmark case.  This person is distorted,
} strange, and warped.  He is megalomaniac, paranoiac, and perverted.
} It's indeed scary to think of this person in public, isn't it?
} Yes, you in the back row:
}
} "Professor, is there anything that can be done for this person?"
}
} I'm afraid not.  All we can do is keep him safely locked away where he
} can cause no harm.
}
} [RINGGGGG]
}
} That's all for today, class.  See you next time!


441-04    (5f7b6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh richest of all Oracles!
> Now I have all these cute little thingies:
> I got a workstation on my desk, I got lots of drawers with pencils and
> papers in them, I got a telephone (important-black-looking-one), I got
> an electronically readable access card and a dosimetre, I got a beep
> (Oh, if only ONE day it wouldn't work!) and lots of printout floating
> around me. I got a database to do with it what I want, my boss is o.k.,
> his secretary is, too (!!), I got a big toolbox and a BIG cupboard with
> LOTS of files in it, I got the most-modern-up-to-date-state-of-the-art-
> swivel-wink-hanky-panky-and-my-back-STILL-aches-black-leather chair and
> even a beautiful landscape out of my window.
>
> Why am I not happy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has seen into your heart
} And she knows why you are not happy.
} It is because you lack a little black sorter-thingy
} That will allow you to sort all your paper clips by
} Size and color.
} The oracle has seen such thingies
} For $1.95 at K-mart
} And she recommends you get one,
} Not in almond but in black.
} And once you have acquired this one thing.
} You will be happy.
}
} And as payment for her wondrous advice
} She asks a box of rubber bands,
} The large kind,
} In rainbow colors.


441-05    (lb651 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does 'Bobo the clown frequently urinate in Times Square, or just
> on Saturday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The Oracle, dressed up as the Easter Bunny, is jumping up and
} down Times Square.)
}
} 1st Speaker: And here we are again in a new adventure of OODA, the
}    Oracular Omniscient Detective Agency.
}    Today's crime is related to the topic of environmental protection,
}    so stay tuned!
} 2nd Speaker: Yes, it is sad to say, but somebody has been urinating in
}    Times Square every day in the whole week. Primary Suspect is Bozo the
}    Clown!
} 1st Speaker: Yes, and we all know Bozo and it seems that everybody
}    liked him, until this horrible shadow of a suspicion fell upon him.
}    But who knows? It might be that it is someone else? Omniscient
}    Detective Oracle will soon come up with more news.
} Oracle (looks directly into the camera, lifting his Easter Bunny's
}    costume for a moment, under which he is wearing a false moustache):
}    I am following Bozo at the moment in this special camouflage. I
}    haven't been able to detect any suspicious motion yet. (Oracle looks
}    very thirsty and empties a one liter bottle of mineral water in no
}    time.)  So let's see, what happened yesterday. (Oracle takes out his
}    inflatable crystal ball and takes a deep look. Camera focuses in on
}    crystal ball. You see Bozo urinating at a corner.)
}    Yes, it seems that Bozo has committed a minor faux pas in Times
}    Square yesterday, that was saturday.
} 1st speaker: But will he repeat his offense today? Or is there someone
}    else behind the scenes?
} (Oracle empties another bottle of water, looking rather exhausted.)
} 2nd speaker: Bozo is not able to make any uncontrolled motion at the
}    moment.  So if the crime repeats, we know that it was someone else.
}    Orrie, are there any new developments?
} Oracle (his Easter Bunny costume is wet from the belly downwards, he is
}    standing in the midst of a giant see of Urine...): Errrr, yes, it
}    seems that we have a new development here. It really seems, that
}    there is someone else in Times Square, except Bozo, who is heavily
}    into Golden Showers... Er, and, it seems that he has been watching
}    me, for he took me as a target. (Oracle makes a very sad and
}    embarrassed face.)
}    But I will follow his tracks and catch him one day, as sure as I am
}    the Omniscient Oracle.
}    As for Bozo, it seems that he only urinates in Times Square on
}    saturdays. On the other days, that was someone else.
}    OF COURSE, DEAR AUDIENCE, ALL THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED, IF
}    EVERYBODY WOULD USE ORACLE'S DIAPERS. THAT'S RIGHT, ORACLE'S
}    DIAPERS. NOW AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET FOR ONLY $2.95
}    APIECE.
}    OR CALL 1-800-DIAL-DIAPERS TO GET YOUR PACKAGE OF DIAPERS *TODAY*!
} 1st speaker: And that was today's broadcast of OODA, the adventures of
}    the Oracle Omniscient Detective Agency.
} 2nd speaker: And don't forget to tune in again next week for a new
}    sequel of OODA, the <ZOT!>tiest Agency in town!
} (Camera fades out, as Oracle accidentally sets his pants on fire in a
} vain attempt to dry them with light <ZOT!>s.)
}
} You owe the Oracle some diapers.


441-06    (7ag65 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, please answer this question of your most
> humble supplicant.
>
> One of my favorite hobbies is tying hamsters to my inner thighs
> with duct tape and running naked through laundromats. I
> really derive enjoyment from this... well, who wouldn't? But
> on my last outing, one of the hamsters bit me in a sensitive
> place, leading to a bad infection and serious medical bills.
> My question is, can I write off the medical bills on my income
> tax as a "capital loss"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to Paragraph 3.14.15 of the Federal document 'Sex in the Tax
} Laws' :
}
}      No injury and/or damage to genitalia, whether incidental,
}      accidental or malicious, may be construed as the responsibility of
}      the Federal Government of the United States. Period.
}
} Thus, I am afraid that the tax-exemption is not an option.  However you
} do have several options:
}
}      1) Sue the pet shop that sold you the hamster for 'sale of
}         hazardous materials.' (the hamster BIT you)
}
}      2) Sue the laundromat in which you were bitten for failing to
}         restrain you.
}
}      3) Seek serious psychiatric help with the money derived from #1
}      and #2.


441-07    (033fn dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipotent oracle! If there were a single
> molecule from a forgotten oraclelean 10,000-year-old
> fart I would not be worthy to inhale it!
> Timorously, I ask you:
>
> If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
> floor butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window
> or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet.
>
> But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
> up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
> Will the cat land on it's feet?  Or will the butter splat on
> the ground?
>
> -Mike

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
} able to deduce the obvious result.  The laws of butterology demand
} that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
} feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.
} If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
} resolve this paradox.  Therefore it simply does not fall.
}
} That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
} you have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will,
} when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
} cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium
} point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing
} lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
}
} Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
} principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system.  The
} loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of
} several hundred tabbies.
}
} The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
} bread off their backs they will instantly plummet.  Of course the cats
} will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
} since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
} red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle two slices of toast and a bag of kitty litter.


441-08    (7kc41 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge includes geography and medicine, tell me:
>
> 1. Is there balm in Gilead?
> 2. What is balm?
> 3. Where is Gilead?
>
> E. A. Poe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. A bomb?  What do you want to give a Gilead a bomb for?  Oh, *balm*.
}    Sorry, I am omniscient, but I'm going a bit deaf from all these
}    questions Biff keeps yelling at me...
}    Yes, there is balm in Gilead, but not much.  In fact, I think
}    they're on their last bottle.  Most of it got used up during the
}    last Internicene Wars.
} 2. Balm is a lotion, not unlike calamine lotion.  It relieves the
}    itching and burning due to mosquitoes and purple-turbaned dictators.
}    However, it is produced from the fruit of a species of palm tree that
}    only grew in Gilead to begin with but is extinct now anyway, which is
}    why only Gilead has any balm and why they're running out.  Myrrh is a
}    type of balm, all it does is make the wearer smell vaguely of dead
}    martyr.
} 3. Gilead is a town located in the southeastern sector of the
}    Northwestern Division of the Allied Occupied Zone of Pennsylvania.
}
} You owe the Oracle an up-to-date Rand McNally atlas and a bottle of
} Aloe Vera anabolic hormone Skin-Glo (tm) cream, now with strontium 98.


441-09    (2dfa4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Sublime, In Whose Aura I am not worthy to bathe, pray
> tell me the answer to this, thy most insignificant disciple's plea:
>
> Why does the 'phone always cease ringing _just_ as you get to it?
>
> I Remain, Your Servant, Most Baffled,
> Gleep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Ungrammatical One, your question should have been phrased, "Why does
} the 'phone always cease ringing _just_ as *I* get to it?"  From my
} point of view, your phone began ringing when I finished dialling and
} stopped when I knew you were about to pick it up.  Omniscience has its
} uses, especially when one is bored.


441-10    (9gf22 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle most wise, who knows the answers to all the greatest
> mysteries that have plagued our puny mortal minds for generations,
> I must know the answer to this puzzle. Keep us in suspense no longer,
> the world deserves to know the truth!!
>
> Who really killed KFC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a conspiracy.  Ronald gave the order, but Jack was the shooter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 20 piece Chicken McNuggets.


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