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Internet Oracularities #445

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445, 445-01, 445-02, 445-03, 445-04, 445-05, 445-06, 445-07, 445-08, 445-09, 445-10


Usenet Oracularities #445    (35 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 18 May 92 12:57:33 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   445
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

445   35 votes 47h61 b7f20 6ed20 0bc93 97a63 3b993 5l531 2db72 3aa93 41bb8
445   2.8 mean  2.8   2.2   2.3   3.1   2.6   2.9   2.3   2.8   3.0   3.5


445-01    (47h61 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle -
>
> Yesterday for my birthday I received a hamster.
> People told me that a hamster was like a mouse,
> but cuter. However, I can't find the Apple
> DeskTop Bus port on it. Where has it gone?
>
> Yours, and Apple Mac user.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently can't find the 'grovel' icon, either.
}
} A hamster is *like* a mouse, not identical to one.  There are a few
} crucial differences, such as the length of the tail and the relative
} cuteness...and the port.
}
} A mouse comes equipped with an Apple DeskTop Bus port.  A hamster, by
} comparison, comes with only an Atari joystick port.  A rat is used only
} on Digital workstations (well, it's not so much a rat as an English
} muffin with three buttons), and a squirrel is used on those nutty IBM
} systems.  There's a rodent for every machine, my friend.


445-02    (b7f20 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle - I have sinned.
>
> I imitated someone's question (which was:
>
> > x
>
> and asked
>
> > qwerty yuiopp?
> > asd fgh jklzx?
> > cvbn, m.
>
> And you said:
>
> } By the way, could you please stop doing that?
> } (This was a friendly warning, the next one won't be!)
>
> And I realise that I have been wasteful of bandwidth,
> and have ignored the wonderful possibilities that
> this X Workstation offers to me.
>
> How can I atone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YAYUSS!  Praise the Lord!
}
} You must say 15 pater nosters, 12 ave marias, 44 Preambles to the
} Constitution, get a golden shower, drink bologna juice every morning
} for 3 weeks, cut back on your cholesterol, sit up straight, kick Jerry
} Falwell in the nards, and learn to type on a Dvorak keyboard.


445-03    (6ed20 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: DowJones
> Subject: Oracle Unveils Oracle Card For Pen Computing Tool
> Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1992 17:59:54 -0400 (EDT)
>
>   BURLINGAME, Calif. -DJ- Oracle Corp. unveiled its first tool for
> building pen-based client/server applications, Oracle Card for Pen
> Computing.
>
>   Oracle Card is Oracle's portable, graphical client/server application
> development environment for Microsoft's Windows, Windows for Pen
> Computing and Apple's Macintosh operating system........
>
> ------------------------
> Why oh why dear Oracle would thoust condescend to using a Macintosh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HAH!  Darest thou, O lowliest worm beneath my feet, to accuse the
} Mighty Oracle, the All-Knowing and Omniscient, the Master of All He
} Surveys, the Lord of Encyclopedias, Dictionaries, and Thesauri, of
} using a Macintosh?  Know you then, O scumsucking dweller of the ocean
} bottom, who most of the time would receive a <ZOT> for your
} presumptuous accusations but I am in a good mood today, as is obvious,
} that the Oracle never uses any computer with less power than a Cray.
} My personal machine, which has a REAL Ethernet (how did you think I
} got all those cool connections to heaven.com and hell.edu anyway?
} From AT&T?  Not), makes all of your pathetic mortal machines pale in
} comparison by its majestic and immense capability.  To claim that the
} Oracle uses machines as tiny and ludicrous as Macintoshes, and, yes,
} don't be arrogant now M'bucko, PC's, is insolence of the highest
} order!
}
} Well, OK, so I do a little development on 'em.  But that's where the
} money is, right?


445-04    (0bc93 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificant Oracle, whose attributes I am not brave enough to think
> of, please answer this very humble question (sorry, if it has been
> asked before but I really need to know the answer) :
>
> Does size count?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Size counts.
} Length counts.
} Weight counts.
} Stamina counts.
} Circumference counts.
} Frequency counts.
} Velocity counts.
} Hydrostatic pressure counts.
} Coefficient of elasticity counts.
} Volatility at room temperature counts.
} Chemical purity counts.
} Number of worms per cubic metre counts.
} Differentiability counts.
} Ability to disintegrate toaster ovens counts a *lot*.
}
} Got it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new toaster oven.


445-05    (97a63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will Robert E. Lee ever pee on mee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you crawl up to him without his noticing you shoot a gun into
} the air and scream "APPAMATOX!!!" at the top of your lungs.  Great men
} do not forego control of their bladders easily.
}
} You owe the Oracle a urine sample.


445-06    (3b993 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What! No grovel.  Methinks I should make YOUR knees bend the other way
} thoust proud-beaked supplicant!!!  But thou has warmed my proud and
} noble heart, for anthropoligcal aspects gravity assisted leisure
} devices with emphasis on ergonomic function is a hobby of mine.
}
} First, the common chair:
}
}                             |
}                             |
}                             L-----
}                             |    |
}                             |    |
}
} Now, to accomodate those ostrich knees of yours:
}
}                             |
}                             |
}                             L-----
}                             |
}                             |
}
} which of course would result in the 'sitee' falling face foward into
} his/her/its sushi -- an unforgivable fau-paux remedied so
}
}                             |
}                             |    O____    <---a sturdy chest cushion
}                             |    O    |______  anchored to the table
}                             L-----
}                             |
}                             |
}
} But of course, such constant pressure on the chest would inhibit
} repiratory function, so necessary among you mortals, so:
}
}                                 /---| O2 |     <-- an oxygen tank and
}                             mask, |  >                   you twit!
}                             |    O____
}                             |    O    |______
}                             L-----
}                             |
}
} Such a setup may ultimately interfere with your eating and mastication
} (look it up), therfore:
}                         _
}                        | |   <---I.V. bottle and tube
}                        |_|
}                         |
}                          \      /---| O2 |
}                           \ |  >
}                             |    O____
}                             |    O    |______
}                             L-----
}                             |
}
} The I.V., being fed into your circulatory system, would certainly
} benefit from increased circulation.  To prevent that nasty ole pinching
} effect on the seat pan (no, not the guy with the pipes) on the legs:
}
}                         _
}                        | |   <---I.V. bottle and tube
}                        |_|
}                         |
}                          \      /---| O2 |
}                           \ |  >
}                             |    O____
}                             |    O    |______
}                             |
}                             |
}
} and there you have it.  what chairs would look like if the knees went
} southward.


445-07    (5l531 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is all knowing and mostly seeing,
> who tells seeing eye-dogs where to go,
> O Oracle who is a mail-server and not subservient,
> who tells supplicants where to go,
>
> please tell me why I am cursed with Modula-2.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear unfurtunate -
}
} You are indeed unlucky, being burdened with Modula-2. Modula-3 is much
} better, and LISP is the best. You are probably struggling with it
} because you are in one of the ancient centres of learning such as
} Cambridge, or Yale, and are studying computer science, or perhaps
} you've just been unlucky, but take cheer from the fact that you can
} always just a) pack it in and go and work on an assembly line instead,
} or b) close your eyes and wait for it to go away.
}
} There, not only have I given you reasons why you are stuck with
} modula-2, I've also given you several suggestions on how to get rid of
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Ruin) a doubly-recursive procedure


445-08    (2db72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there Oracle.  I'm Dwickle.  Dwickle Yongoberries.  From the LUP.
> I know I'm stupid and smelly and heterosexual and have a really stupid
> name, but I'm here to ask you three questions for the price of one.
> No, it's OK: you gave me this coupon the last time I talked to you,
> saying "ask three questions for the price of one." Anyways, here they
> are.
>
> 1. What are all these dots on my forehead and pecker and cat and
>    walls?
>
> 2. Is it true that The Freeway Action Network has been taken over by
>    Satan?  If so, how come Jim Bakker has been so interested in
>    freeways of late?
>
> 3. Can I get a supreme court justice to make wonderful radiant
>    orgasmic love to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answers to thy questions, oh odorous one, follow:
}
} 1. Next time, put the lid on the blender.
}
} 2. Hitchhiking prostitutes make wonderful secretaries.
}
} 3. It depends on the courts' interpretation of "orgasmic."
}
} You owe the oracle one strawberry-flavored condom and a signed
} photograph of Jessica Hahn.


445-09    (3aa93 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I have but two questions that friends of mine would like
> to have answered.
>
> 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples.
>
> 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance.
>
> Could you possibly answer these questions for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, it is so... nice... to see that another pathetic substandard cretin
} has evolved without learning to grovel.  I've got better things to
} spend my <ZOT!>'s on than helping you strain the riff-raff out of your
} genetic cesspool, though.  And such impertinence can only lead to
} anarchy, police brutality and ultimate species extinction.  You'll
} suffer more, that way, too <deep oracular smile and nostalgic sigh>...
}
} You even asked TWO questions... as if you think you're even high enough
} on the food chain for ONE answer...
}
} In reverse order, Bliss is not Ignorance.  Ignorance was played by
} none other than Marlene Dietrich, rest her soul.  Bliss played a bit
} part, and didn't get a speaking role until Truffaut's 'Tirez sur la
} Pianiste,' From there, her career faded, until she today has retired
} and manages a tiny brothel-and-steak-shop in Wallace, Idaho.
}
} Men's nipples are vestigal remnants of an earlier model.  Like edlin,
} they are a throwback to prehistory days when men were
} hermaphroditically equipped. Then GM boldly introduced a split-entity
} modification that doubled labor potential LITERALLY without additional
} overhead.
}      <Lisa stirs...>
} These auxillary units, named phi-males (after the greek letter that is
} often mathematically used to stand for emptiness) served an admirable
} purpose through those years.  Ah, yes, droves of mindless phi-males
} filled those sweet, halcyon years of...
}      <Lisa: Whatcha writing, my big 'O'?>
}      <a wild stab for the screen-blank key, some white smoke and a
}       acrid smell of burning plastic... and a few hours later:
}
} <del><del>...<del>
}
}                      ...droves of mindless phi-males filled those sad,
} empty years before self-aware auxillary units were FINALLY released.
} The hardware design was lavish and complete, with few hardware
} interfacing complaints.
}
} Now, if they could only perfect the communication software...
}
} You owe the Oracle a scorch-proof terminal casing (titanium, please)
} and a foot-pedal screen-blank accessory.


445-10    (41bb8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there so many buttons on Rotarians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they have so many functions, of course!
}
} The following short list of buttons and their effects is from
} "The Rotarian Owner's Manual", 1992 edition.  Note that these
} buttons are touch-sensitive.
}
} NOSTALGIA
}
} Pushing this button will start your Rotarian reminiscing about "the
} good old days".  He (Rotarians are always "he") will go on at great
} length about how wonderful things were before the rise of (pick one):
}
}       permissiveness
}       free love
}       lack of respect for God and country
}       Democrats and/or Liberals and/or Labour (depending on country)
}       newfangled schools that don't concentrate on the "three R's"
}
} **Warning**:  Be sure that your Rotarian has not consumed excessive
} quantities of alcoholic beverages, or he will begin to cry at this
} point.
}
} RIGHTEOUSNESS
}
} Pushing this button unleashes a torrent of moral indignation and
} righteous anger.  Use at your own risk.
}
} RECREATION
}
} Pushing this button will cause your Rotarian to direct you to the
} nearest bowling alley, shopping mall, fast food outlet, or movie
} theatre.
}
} PARENTAL GUIDANCE
}
} When this button is pushed, your Rotarian will whip out a wooden stick
} and start hitting everyone that he can see who is under the age of
} majority, all the while shouting, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!"
}
} CIVIC DUTY
}
} When you push this button, your Rotarian will immediately head to the
} nearest voting booth and exercise his democratic function.  Then, he
} will go home and, depending on season, will cut his lawn, rake his
} leaves, or shovel his snow.
}
} PROFANITY
}
} When you push this button, your Rotarian will say one of the following:
}
}       "Heck!"
}       "Gosh darnit!"
}       "Aw, fudge!"
}       "Tarnation!"
}       "Gee willickers!"
}
} It's sad, really.
}
} WILD BACCHANALIAN REVELRY
}
} Hey!  All work and no play makes your Rotarian a dull boy!  Pushing
} this button will send your Rotarian into a frenzy of hedonistic
} pleasure-seeking. He will immediately track down the nearest
} middle-aged woman, invite her home for a no-holds-barred game of
} Scrabble while tossing back the hot chocolate, and then, all
} inhibitions shattered, will give her a quick peck on the cheek.  Hubba
} hubba!
}
} With the proper care and maintenance (a good night's sleep every night,
} and a healthy diet of meat and potatoes), your Rotarian will give you
} many years of useful service.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of an episode of "Father Knows Best", an 8x10
} glossy of Dwight David Eisenhower, and a pair of rose-coloured glasses.
}
} (Fascinating Rotarian Fact:  when Pat Boone sings "Ain't That A Shame",
} he introduces it as "Isn't That A Shame", because he objects to the bad
} grammar in the original title.  It's true!  It's true!)


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