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Internet Oracularities #455

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455, 455-01, 455-02, 455-03, 455-04, 455-05, 455-06, 455-07, 455-08, 455-09, 455-10


Usenet Oracularities #455    (29 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 9 Jun 92 12:18:33 -0500

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an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   455
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

455   29 votes 4b860 3ac22 00a9a 19964 104db 2ca50 57e21 4bb30 1da41 02ca5
455   3.0 mean  2.6   2.7   4.0   3.1   4.1   2.6   2.6   2.4   2.7   3.6


455-01    (4b860 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All supplicants are liars!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I take your word.  Now, tell me -- are you really a supplicant or not?


455-02    (3ac22 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most ecologically sound of all Oracles,
> whose mere breath makes the flowers grow and all the rabbits in the
> trees play joyfully, who makes the fish sing and the birds swim and
> who lets grow a big area of rainforest just by shaving the hairs in
> his nose!
> The other day, a guy was ringing at my door who claimed to come from
> the "Oracular society for helping the big factories and for poisoning
> the fish". He asked me to subscribe for membership in his company, for
> which I would get a hundred kilograms of poisoned fish per day, *plus*
> all the chemical waste I want.
> Is this society authorized by you? Should I become a member of it? They
> only cost a mere $180 per month and they offered me such a nice member-
> ship card with my photo on it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     NO!  Do not listen to them!  These people are con-artists!  They
} use the glorious name of The Oracle illegally, and are entirely
} unauthorized in their distribution of toxic wastes.  Their entire
} "society" is based on the unethical posoining of helpless lower
} creatures, and The Oracle does NOT support their immoral activites.
}
}     The way you can identify the REAL Oracle-Society is that we
} poison little furry animals, not fish.
}
} You owe The Oracle $180/month, plus a 10-gallon container of cyanide.


455-03    (00a9a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you like green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do not like them, Sam I am,
} I much prefer pink peas and Spam!
}
} I like to eat them by the VAX,
}       I like to serve them up as snacks.
} I like to eat them when I skate,
}       I like to eat them off a plate.
} I like to eat them stirred with lard,
}       charging it with MasterCard.
} I like to eat them cooked up hot,
}       Lightly glazed with rhino snot.
} I like to eat them on a train,
}       (but, strangely enough, not on a plane).
} I like to eat them in a car,
}       I order them at my favorite bar.
} I like to eat them with Dr. Seuss,
}       I'd even eat them with a moose.
}
} No, no, no, Sam I am,
}       I will not eat green eggs and ham,
} For why would I eat green eggs and ham,
}       when I can have pink peas and Spam?
}
} I like to eat them in the dark,
}       I like to eat them in Hyde Park.
} I like to eat them off the rack,
}       (I'd even chance them by my Mac).
} I like to eat them served with wine,
}       I'd steal them if they weren't mine.
} I'd share them with my favorite duck,
}       I'd even eat them while I... drive my truck.
}
} You see, you see, I am Sam:
}       I truly love my pink peas and Spam!


455-04    (19964 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We shall refer to the null query "" as the `epsilon form', and the
> standard form of the woodchuck tongue-twister query (for example, "How
> much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood", and
> "How much work would a network work if a network could net work?"), as
> the `twist form'.  These are far and above the two most common
> individual query types. Formulate a theory relating the epsilon and
> twist forms.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    The Null-Epsilon-Twist-Chuck
}                     All-Purpose Bed Time Story
}
}       When I  ran  into  Chuck, our  systems  administrator, I  knew
} something was wrong.  It was  11 am, and he was in his office! I asked
} Chuck  if he knew anything about woodchucks.   He said he would attend
} the matter immediately, once he was done  with the network problem.  I
} said "D'oh!" in a manner  similar to Homer Simpson.  Chuck stared back
} at me  with an  expression that said "Well, sir, I know you would like
} to choke me to  death, but imagine the outcome --  no one to take care
} of  your petty network crashes or stupid core dumps.  You  see, I know
} the root password and no one else does.  So, I'd be careful, sir, if I
} were you."  I left his  office, careful not to  slam the door to hard,
} for  I  knew  he  would notice my  abrupt  mood swing.  "The hell with
} roots, leaves  and  trunks,"  I said to  myself.  "I'll find  wood and
} chuck  it myself!"  Of course I knew I wasn't kidding anyone.  For all
} the wood in the world wouldn't make  a single match,  if I didn't have
} chuck's help.   He  was  the root!   He was the originator of  all the
} network activity.  Even if I hit return on an empty line...
}
}       All of  a sudden  I saw  what  was  missing from the  picture!
} The  Null  query!  The empty  line!  The  blank  check!   "Oh God!"  I
} muttered, "I need Chuck right now!"  So  I hurried to Gina.  Gina, for
} God's sake!  The evil twin of Chuck!  But more compassionate  in other
} ways.  Chuck would never answer your letters,  while gina would  never
} let  one go unanswered.  Chuck would help you if he could,  while Gina
} would  love to attend your problems if you could  find her.  But I was
} lucky -- she was sitting  in her office.  The  look  of  terror in her
} eyes when she saw me at the door, were replaced by  tears, once I told
} her  about  our conversation  with Chuck.   "The damned martians," she
} whispered.  "They got him too. But  I ain't giving  up.   Are you with
} me?  Tell me great Oracle, are you?  Tell  me  you are  and we'll kick
} their lower portions!"  I was baffled!  The Martians, of all the races
} in the solar  system (or the  Universe, for that matter.)   "I have to
} think," I said.   Or  tried  to  say,  for  I realized I  could hardly
} breathe.  Nevertheless, I saw  the glitter in her eyes, long enough to
} realize that she was not only lying, but also pulling the plug on  me!
} I hurled  down the floor, just  in  time to  take her by the arms  and
} shake her.  One of her ears came loose!  My  god!  She was an android!
} I started running, but I heard her say "kill -9" I ducked and  luckily
} the signal went  past me, killing an innocent daemon.  I  said "renice
} 100"  before  she could say  anything --  I  used  to be  faster,  and
} promised myself to go back to training, if I survived this one.  To my
} surprise,  she  got hit.  She opened  her mouth very slowly, and for a
} moment, nothing  came  out of it.  Then, slowly words  began  to form:
} "k-k-k-k-k-k-k-  e-e-e-e-e-e  l-l-l-l-l  l-l-l-l-l  m-m-m-i-..   "   I
} grabbed the fire extinguisher from the  wall and  started spraying her
} mouth with  foam.  She went on trying for a little while,  and finally
} gave up.  "[1] + Done.  Gina " I said to myself.  Then I heard muffled
} voices  from  the printer room.  I  knew what I would find  there, but
} hurried anyway.   Not surprisingly,  the real Gina  was tied down to a
} stack of tapes.  "Don't worry, dear,"  I said "you are  saved."  And I
} meant  it -- I had  the TK50 in my pocket.  Needless to say, Chuck was
} in a similar condition, and  the "renice 100" trick  worked  nicely on
} him too.
}
}       On my way  out, the real Chuck stopped me.  "Mr.  Oracle! Sir!
} One  moment sir!"  he shouted after me.  I stopped and waited for him.
} "How did you do it, sir?" he said.  And I knew he wouldn't understand,
} so I simply said "The null query Chuck.  The twist and the null query!
} Just twist  the  null query,  and all you get is a woodchuck!"  He was
} baffled.  "Sir?"  he said, with the puzzled  look  you  usually see on
} the face of a new user after doing an "rm -rf *" Clearly he would  not
} understand.   But  I decided  to  try  a little  more.   "You  see, my
} confused friend, if there was such a thing as a unified  field theory,
} the heart  of it would consist  of a tongue twisting null query, which
} would  usually chuck wood, and work work.  But that's not possible, at
} least in this  particular  universe!"  I  saw hints of  understanding,
} signs weak but definitely there.  I was wrong for once  -- Chuck  knew
} what I was talking about.  His eyes shone with understanding. "So if I
} simply hit the return key on any blank line... " I  was  amazed!  "The
} null query!" I shouted.   He was moved to tears. "I'm glad we have you
} with us, Mr  Oracle, sir. I really  am."   he  said, holding  back the
} tears.  As I started  back  towards the door, I was feeling that I was
} in much better company than  I thought.  Life was sweet,  and Lisa was
} waitng home with a nice dinner for just the two  of us.   Ahh...  life
} was sweet indeed.   I waived goodbye to Chuck, who was joined by Gina.
} They both waved back, with tears in their eyes.


455-05    (104db dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Clutching at Straws <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O almighty Oracle type guy, who et cetera et cetera et cetera, I'm
> going to flunk my 20th Century History test unless you help me.
>
> I need to know: what happened in 1997?
>
> Yours sincerely, Terence Zylxzi, State University of Tharsis Plateau,
> Mars.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, Mr. XXXX XXXXXX (xxxxx@yyyy.zzzz.GOV) [name deleted to
} protect identity -- ed], but I'm not giving you the winning team or any
} other facts about the future that may "influence" your betting
} practices. In fact, I am going to tell Vinnie the Hacksaw and Guido the
} Gelatin Mold about your little plan here...
}
} But since I am bound by contract to answer all questions sent to me
} (HELPFUL HINT #231:  Never, EVER, visit the computing centre at Indiana
} University slightly smashed from a party the night before, and IF
} YOU DO, never, EVER, sign anything, even if they claim they need
} the form to get permission to produce one of those nifty ASCII
} Snoopy calendars), I must give you some of the headlines from 1997:
}
} President Duck.  Yes, the president in 1997 will be named Duck.  Why?
} Because of the disgust with all of the candidates available for the
} 1996 election, an unprecedented number of voters wrote in "Donald Duck"
} as their vote.  It so happens that there is a Don Duck living in the
} United States (to be precise, Arizona), and unwittingly becomes
} President.
}
} The French-American War.  President Duck declares war on France as his
} first official Presidential action because, in his words, "they're much
} too snotty."  The French lose after three days, as they are incapable
} of sucessfully launching an assalt against any organization that
} doesn't have the word "Peace" in the name.  As part of the surrender
} conditions, the French are required to watch one hour of "The Dukes of
} Hazzard" daily until they are cured of their "snottiness."
}
} 4DTV.  Television makers, ready to add any gimmik that they can find
} to television sets so that they can convince gullable consumers to
} purchase yet ANOTHER set, announce three-dimensional television in
} 1996.  In 1997, 4DTV is introduced, which adds intellectual depth to
} the program being watched.  In an associated event, PBS buys up the
} rights to "Three's Company."
}
} Generalissimo Francisco Franco.  He's still dead.
}
} Pappies.  The baby-boomer generation, otherwise known as the infamous
} "Yuppies," are formally dubbed by the media as "Pappies," short for
} "Prematurely-Aged Person."  Indeed, all work and no play makes Jack
} quickly eligible for social security.
}
} Apple-Microsoft suit.  This suit is finally resolved as the presiding
} judge points out that after all this time, the technology in question
} is now obsolete.  HP/Sun-Apollo:SGI announces that even though it can
} no longer find connectors for the companies it absorbs, it is now
} producing its ESIC chip (Encephalo-Sensitive Implant Circuit) and will
} begin mass distributions as soon as they can find a way to keep users
} from 1) drooling severely, and 2) asking if it's MS-DOS compatable.
} Researchers believe that one of these symptoms may be the cause of the
} other.
}
} Roddenbery Vaults.  The infamous vaults of Gene Roddenbery, creater of
} the "Star Trek" television series, are opened by Geraldo Rivera and
} are found to contain the following fascinating bits of documentation:
} 1) "Star Trek" was inspired by a computer log that Roddenbery found
} after it fell from space and landed in his back yard, and 2) he hated
} Wesley Crusher too.
}
} Tokyo destroyed.  A freak nuclear accident vaporizes the city of
} Tokyo, leaving the nation of Japan in chaos.  Historians question the
} exact meaning of President Duck's enigmatic quote, "So what?  They
} were almost as bad as the French."
}
} Internet outlawed.  The Internet News Service, a collection of various
} bulletins created by computer users, is shut down indefinitely after
} three users are found dead at their terminals, all suffering from
} malnutrition.  It seems that bulletins-- in the local jargon,
} "articles"-- were arriving faster than they could read them.  One user
} managed to write in his own blood, "Alt.sex... the horror, the
} horror," before collapsing.
}
} Moonbase established.  The four-year hyper-accelerated project to make
} a permanent international base on the moon is completed on September
} 13.  UN officials OK the storage of nuclear waste near the facility,
} even though environmentalists claim at the current rate of
} accumulation, the dump will reach critical capacity in exactly two
} years.


455-06    (2ca50 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Clutching at Straws <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and..
> Man! I can't carry on with all this usual dribble!
>
> Yo! Orrie Dude!!
>
> Why do the KLF ask America, What time is love? when they could have
> asked you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Man! I can't carry on with all this usual dribble!
}
}    Yeah, I know what you mean, but look, it's written down here, in the
} Guide for Deities, page 456, "Thou should always force the snivelling
} worms to grovel at thy feet before granting even the merest favour".
} Sorry about the language, but it was written by wosshisname, Zeus, and
} the new guy hasn't gotten round to editing it yet. Good thing too, he
} has a thing for lists of ten, which I reckon he filched from Dave
} Letterman.
}    I'll let it pass, but don't forget next time.
}
} > Why do the KLF ask America, What time is love?
}
}    Again, keep this under your hat, but it is actually a cleverly
} obscure reference to their next act of terrorist mayhem soon to be
} unleashed on an unsuspecting America.
}    Y'see, KLF stands for the Koala Liberation Front, an organisation
} dedicated to freeing the silly looking beasties from their servitude in
} zoos and returning them to their home in Australia. Their campaign has
} been going on for some time, and includes :
}    - subjecting the airwaves to continual bombardment by a has-been
}      country singer.
}    - Getting a whole generation of pre-adolescents to mumble the
}      mystical phrase "Ancients of Muu-Muu" which is again an obscure
}      reference to the little known behaviour pattern of koalas known as
}      "udder-munching", an act hideous to describe, but hushed up by
}      the Australian tourist Board.
}    - Practising with various psycotropic mind-altering substances added
}      to water supplies. In fact this last practise is their most
}      successful and has resulted in two public successes.
}    - The LA Riots, which also tested the subliminal message implanted
}      in their radio songs to "go out and get a tv, so you can watch our
}      videos", AND
}    - Dan Quayle, who was formerly one of the most brilliant mortals it
}      has ever been seen on this planet, till he drunk from the wrong
}      water cooler.
}
}    "What time is love ?" is their way of boasting of their next, and
} most fiendish plot yet, that of slipping an aphrodisiac into the
} Congress' water supply. Given that 40% of Congressmen haven't had sex
} for over 2 decades, and given the very limited number of Congresswomen,
} this plot is calculated to sow chaos in the very heart of the United
} States. Of course, those elected officials who survive might start
} acting more rationally once at least one reason for their mental
} disorders has been removed.
}
} > "When they could have asked me ?"
}
} So, like, where do you think they got the formula for the aphrodisiac
} hmmm ?
}
} You owe the Oracle a free homeland for the oppressed masses of Koalas !


455-07    (57e21 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Clutching at Straws <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Who the hell is Gleep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} iuvax::oracle> call who_is_who
}    Oracular Earth Database called.
}    Enter search string or command:
} name=gleep,relation=(retrieve/supplicant/actual)
} iuvax::oracle> view who_is_who.out
}    Gleep, John Bishop Foster George Herbert
}    Oracular Index Number 2349823401297348576aa/II
}    Relation to (supplicant.actual) = Father.
}    Position: Lake Loch Lomond/Scotland, fishing.
}
} (The Oracular Phone, all marble with a platinum dial and a golden
} receiver is ringing.)
} Oracle: Oh, yes? Well, hello Mr. Supplicant! Or may I just call you
}           Suppie?
}         What? That must be wrong? Your father is sitting in the garden
}           and tries to get some suntan on his belly?
}         Impossible, you say? Well, let me try again.
}
} iuvax::oracle> call who_is_who
}    Oracular Earth Database called.
}    Enter search string or command:
} name=(retrieve/supplicant/actual); $search family/extensive
} iuvax::oracle> view who_is_who.out /full /members=male
}    (supplicant.actual)
}    Family information.
}    Male relations: 2
}        1. Husband of (supplicant.actual)'s mother   // relation = legal
}           Position: suburb of L. A., garden, deckchair.
}        2. Father (J. B. F. G. H. Gleep)   // relation = natural
}           Position: Loch Lomond/Scotland, fishing.
}
} Oracle: Mr. Supplicant, does this satisfy you now? Hello...? Mr.
}           Supplicant??
}         Put down the receiver. Supplicants nowadays aren't what they
}           used to be! I even could have told him who his brother's
}           father is, but he...!
}
} You owe the Oracle your family record.


455-08    (4bb30 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YES, that's the way I love a question. Short and to the point.
} And it contains everything that a mere mortal is up to and every-
} thing he can ever hope for.
} So let me answer your question, oh mere piece of lint:
}
} "No!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a Microspellchecker.


455-09    (1da41 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm out to lunch.
>                   The Supplicant
>
> You owe the Supplicant a decent dessert. Otherwise he'll be out to
> launch "Operation Dessert Storm".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, let's get this straight.  *You* ask the questions, grovel
} abjectly, and get <ZOT>ted when you step out of line.  *I* answer the
} questions, make smart-ass comments, and get sweaty snugglebunnies from
} Lisa.
}
} As for dessert:  not until you have finished all your vegetables.
} You don't think I didn't notice you slipping the glazed beets to the
} dog?


455-10    (02ca5 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who bows to no authority, please enlighten me.
>
> The other day, a state cop asked me "Do you know what the speed limit
> is  here on  Interstate  95?".  I assumed it was some sort of trick
> question or a joke, so I said "Gee, I don't know", and I smiled,
> awaiting his punchline.  At  this point  he  seemed  to  loose  his
> sense  of  humor,  and he wrote me a really expensive ticket.  What do
> you think I should have said?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have said "zie speeden limtsche?  ya, ya, ya... nointy-funf
} kilometren peren houren, auf der cop, sir meine herren ya? Nein, nein.
} Meine dashen-boarden-dialen das getopt ka readen, onlishche so muchen!
} Aber nointy-funf kilometren?  Mais surtout les speeding tiquets?
} Pourquoi? Hadi be polis amca! Alors, mais je me toit le checkqe
} blanque! Tres formidable, monsieur copeur. Ba bu be bo bi? Ich mohte
} funf kofte bitte. Aaa...  nedir bu be? Non, non, le limite is
} non-du-feu keelomeeteers!  Bien surge! Tres charming, das haber wofur
} the cop!  Non, non, non! Pas du tout! Pas de deux!  L'etranger, Albert
} Camus, formidable!  Duduk cal da duyalim! Je suis un petit Suisse!
} Merde alors?  Was? Das ticheste?  Aber wofur? Nicht, no limit. Burns
} Verkauft das Krafwerk! Isen't das limitsche nointy funf kilometren
} perren houren?  Ich nointy funf kilometren goen perren houren, and
} keine more, sirren.  Honesten sirren. Das gagunk ohnen, mein herr.
} Amma da yaptin ha! Das ticketen?  Warum? Warum? Deustchland,
} Deustchland, uber alles, au pres de ma blonde, qu'il fait bon fait bon
} fait bon samanliktan kaldiramadim samani da zuhtu bensana yandim suphi
} disch ohne mohne aber idare eder garble garble garble..."
}
} Of course, the cop, after seeing your Indiana drivers license, and
} reading your name will probably think that you are a 5150 and call for
} backup.  Honestly, "Dan Quayle" is not very european as names go.


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