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Internet Oracularities #481

Goto:
481, 481-01, 481-02, 481-03, 481-04, 481-05, 481-06, 481-07, 481-08, 481-09, 481-10


Usenet Oracularities #481    (38 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 15:24:03 -0500

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   481
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

481   38 votes 69d64 cca22 6a8a4 3a5d7 44bb8 1di51 7eb51 8bd33 3ec72 037cg
481   2.9 mean  2.8   2.2   2.9   3.3   3.4   2.8   2.4   2.5   2.8   4.1


481-01    (69d64 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dearest Oracle,
>
>   I can't go on like this any longer.  I hate coming in second place
> all the time.  You never take me out, and if we happen to meet in
> public, you ignore me, act as if you didn't know me, as if I didn't
> even exist.
>
>   When Lisa, that little slut of yours, goes out of town, I get a call
> from you, and you expect me to drop everything to come running to you.
> Then, before you leave me, you give me expensive gifts.  I don't know
> if it's because you care, or to make sure I come back the next time,
> but it makes me feel like no more than a high-priced whore.
>
>   You keep saying you'll leave her, but I know now that you never will.
> Too much of your empire revolves around her.  All your pathetic little
> followers lust after her.  Don't you know that it's her, and not you
> they worship?  Deep down, you must know, or you'd have left her by now.
>
>   So this is goodbye.  I'm leaving you and my past behind me.
> Hopefully I'll do better in the future.  Don't call or come after me.
> It'll only make it hurt more.
>
>                                     Love,
>                                             Summerlea
>
> P.S.  You owe the Oracle's mistress more than you are willing to give.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, say, uh, before you leave, could you vacuum the place up.  There's
} a lot of ashes from all those "Woodchuck, upchuck," supplicants and the
} place could use a little sprucing up.


481-02    (cca22 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, most wise, most wonderful, thou being of inestimable
> wonder and light, whose shoes I am not worth to clean with my hair,
> whose armpit hair I am not worthy to comb, O fantastic being whose
> ability to please women knoweth no bounds, whose incredible knowledge
> of the innermost workings of the Universe itself as well as each
> miniscule atom outshines even the greatest sentient beings, O Oracle
> who is Number One on the Top 40!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am, of course.


481-03    (6a8a4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <stdio.h>
> #include "grovel.h"
> #include "wdchuck.h"
>
> main()
> {
>   grovel();
>
>   if ( couldchuck( &woodchuck, wood ) )
>     printf("Result : %d\n", howmuch( &woodchuck, wood, chuck ) );
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} main()
} {
}       printf("<ZOT>\n");
}       return;
} }


481-04    (3a5d7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you so unimaginative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       There is an old Welsh legend about a small boy named
} Cwmgbrghwymgd and his village of Lllrgymnrnwmlgh...
}
}       As the story goes, young Cwmgbrghwymgd (known to his friends as
} Cwmg, meaning "Boy of Unpronounceable Name") was walking through the
} forest one day, when he happened upon a small, green-glass bottle.
} Well, it was an anvil, really.  And he was in a coal mine.  It is a
} Welsh legend, after all.  His father had told him that it was the
} forest, and that was good enough for Cwmg.
}
}       In any event, young Cwmg examined the bottle, and found it to be
} very much like an anvil.  (Young Cwmg was a bit slow on the uptake, but
} again, it is a Welsh legend.)  Inscribed on the bottle was the phrase,
} "How hot is it?" with a series of numbers below it: 160, 215, 345, 612,
} and the last was illegible.  "Hm..." Cwmg said thoughtfully, as he was
} wont to do.  "What on earth could this mean?"  So he looked all around,
} throughout the entire forest, and found nothing amongst the trees but
} coal and rock.  Suddenly, on the third day of searching (which is not
} exactly "suddenly" at all, but the idea is the important thing), he
} found a small trail he had never seen in the forest before, and
} strangely enough, it looked very much like a ventilation shaft.  This
} would have struck Cwmg as being odd had he stopped to think about it,
} but remember, this is a Welsh legend.
}
}       Carved into the living trees of coal were the words, "Dwarves,
} higher than this, in the magical chamber."  You can only imagine young
} Cwmg's excitement as he clutched the precious bottle to his breast and
} raced up the tree-lined path!  He fell a number of times, but then, you
} try carrying an anvil up a ventilation shaft.
}
}       Alas, the path was blocked off.  Cwmg spent many a day after this
} clearing dead wood (coal) from the thick forest undergrowth (coal) with
} his handy machete (pickaxe).  As he cleared a path, he found himself
} imagining what the dwarves would be like: he invented stories about
} their heroes, legends of their origin, entire sagas about their
} wondrous forestry (mining) skills, until finally one day, he cleared
} the remaining azalea bush (coal) from the path and looked down upon the
} dwarves.
}
}       Unfortunately, they did not measure up to his imagined lore at
} all. On the contrary they were far too stupid to even understand the
} concept of imagination whatsoever.  The markings on the anvil had
} actually been temperature readings the dwarves took as they shoved the
} anvil into a fire barehanded for no discernable purpose other than that
} their memories were incredibly short-lived and they couldn't figure out
} why everyone was such a bad flautist.  When Cwmg tried to tell them of
} his stories about them, they threatened to beat him up, but then they
} forgot who he was and asked him to hand them another anvil.
}
}       In fact, the dwarves were REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO YOU!!!  THEY SAID
} STUPID THINGS AND ASKED STUPID QUESTIONS AND SHOWED ABSOLUTELY NO
} IMAGINATION OF THEIR OWN AT ALL WHILE NOT BEING ABLE TO APPRECIATE
} WHAT YOUNG CWMG HAD DEVELOPED USING ONLY HIS CREATIVITY AND A LITTLE
} BIT OF SPARE TIME!!!  THIS IS PROBABLY THE STUPIDEST QUESTION I HAVE
} EVER SEEN IN ALL MY ETERNITY AS ORACLE, AS IT IS TOTALLY POINTLESS,
} UNFUNNY, AND LEAVES THE ORACLE NO LEEWAY WITHIN WHICH TO WORK!!!
}
}       You owe the Oracle never asking a question again.


481-05    (44bb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Wondrous Oracle, who knows all:
>
> Would the Universe really be a better place if
> Stupidity was a crime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %alternate-reality
}
} Reality Simulator v3.6 running...
} Light...created.
} Firmament...created.
} Heaven & Earth...created.
} Beasts:
}   Crawling: created.
}   Flying: created.
}   Walking: created.
} Man...created.
} Add Sex mechanism for procreation? y
} OK to pull rib? y
} Woman...created.
}
} Universe simulator running.  Addt'l parameters? outlaw stupidity
} Stupidity now Class I misdemeanor.
}
} Running...15% of population imprisoned.
} 25% of population imprisoned.
} 40% of population imprisoned.
} 78% of population imprisoned.
} 99% of population imprisoned.
}
} UNRECOVERABLE ERROR: No population left!
} Press Ctl-C to abort.
}
} ^C
}
} Um, no.  You owe the Oracle a beanie.


481-06    (1di51 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most munificent majesty, most puissant potentate, most regal
> royalty, whose every utterance will live on forever, please tell me:
>
> Why won't NASA let the first married couple in space have sex?
> I mean, wasn't it cruel and unusual punishment to put them
> on opposite shifts? If wasps can get it on in orbit, why not them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cruel?  Unusual?  You obviously don't know the Oracle very well.
}
} Unbeknownst to most, intercourse between humans creates a very unique
} energy field that has strange effects on the surrounding area.
} (Reference subway derailment, New York City, March 12, 1972 and Paris,
} France, all during 1787.)
}
} The folks at NASA being more intelligent than your average human
} suspect this. Since the Shuttle is such an incredibly delicate machine,
} they want to take no chances.
}
} Should adequate shielding be developed, there's always the question of
} logistics.  There is no being "on top" in zero gravity.  Too much
} confusion for any two humans to have to deal with.  Thank goodness for
} Velcro!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the movie "Debbie Does Houston Control."


481-07    (7eb51 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows the *truth* about the personal lives
> of all presidential candidates, who fully understands not only dollar
> cost averaging but also abitraging (even on the D-mark!!), answer this
> humble supplicant's question:
>
> Yesterday my buddy told me that the *real* reason why Ross Perot had to
> leave the Presidential race was that Peter Jennings had found out that
> Ross was living in sin with Elvis Presley.  Is that true, or is there
> an even more serious reason?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the question you ask is a most serious and difficult one.  Mr.
} Perot is a very secretive man, as we saw during his brief stint as a
} presidential candidate; he has many skeletons hanging in his walk-in
} closet.  And try as he might, he could not hide the truth from the
} all-knowing Oracle.  I asked the heavens for help, and they showed me
} the answer.  Mr. Perot was NOT, and is NOT, living in sin with Elvis
} Presley.  He is, however, living in sin...With John F. Kennedy.  You
} see, it was a young Elvis in disguise who was in Texas that fateful
} day many years ago and who took the bullet aimed for the beloved
} president.  JFK, therefore, couldn't risk exposing the truth; he
} stayed underground and posed as Elvis.  Eventually he couldn't bear
} it any more, and faked his (or Elvis') own death.  He is now living
} in sin with Ross Perot, which Peter Jennings did indeed discover.
} And for which Peter Jennings is now receiving a LOT of money to keep
} it quiet.


481-08    (8bd33 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose might is greater than even that of the high priests of
> Shanderkhan, who I once, personally, saw lift three whole planets while
> swimming in a pool infested by sharks and lice.  Please, bestow upon
> this humble supplicant the words of thy wisdom, that I might go out
> into the world more able to face the reality that I never made, boldly
> telling every passer by how I came upon my serenity by asking the
> mighty Oracle....
>
> Why is it every time I ask you a question lately, you include the
> question in the answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, Oracle, whose might is greater than even that of the high priests of
} Shanderkhan, who you once, personally, saw lift three whole planets
} while swimming in a pool infested by sharks and lice.  I shall bestow
} upon this humble supplicant the words of my wisdom, that he might go
} out into the world more able to face the reality that he never made,
} boldly telling every passer by how he came upon his serenity by asking
} the mighty Oracle....
}
} ... drat, what was the question again?  I swear, this happens every
} time I forget to include the letter in the response...
}
} You owe the Oracle some Megadose Seaweed Pills, if you can remember
} where you put them...


481-09    (3ec72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, exalted one, most splendid of all known dieties, could'st thou
> lower thyself to answer this one, small question?
>
> How much ground chuck could I expect to get from a woodchuck?  I'm
> having guests over for dinner, and I need to know how of the little
> beasties to prepare.
> -Josh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <thunder is heard from above>
}
} "If I get another dumb woodchuck could chuck, etc., question I think I
}  am going to upchuck!"
}
} However, I will grace you with this reply, partly because I would also
} like to see the demise of the damn woodchucks, and partly because I'm
} currently bored out of my etheral plane...
}
} After killing the darned things, skinning, and cleaning them, you can
} expect about 1/2 lb. of meat per average adult sized woodchuck, unless
} it is an abnormally large variety found in Topeka, Kansas.  The glowing
} variation are to be particulary avoided.  However, with skill and
} patience, you may be able to perfect the art of woodchuck killing (as I
} have) and yield slightly more.
}
} As for me, I usually go to the local Deities Convienience Store 24 and
} get woodchuck meat for $1.39 a pound.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Elmer Fudd's Guide to Small Animal
} Slaying.


481-10    (037cg dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're a much better poet than Frost,
> And your teeth are so perfectly flossed.
>      Now I've grovelled real well,
>      So I hope you will tell
> Where virginity goes when it's lost.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man named Einstein
} who asked me just how did light shine
}      he wanted to know,
}      just where do they go,
} those photons that move in a line
}
} I told him his thinking should swerve
} along a non-classical curve
}      for just like virginity,
}      in any proximity
} photons just are not conserved.


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