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20 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:27:36 GMT

Internet Oracularities #485

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485, 485-01, 485-02, 485-03, 485-04, 485-05, 485-06, 485-07, 485-08, 485-09, 485-10


Usenet Oracularities #485    (38 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 16:33:42 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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   485
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

485   38 votes 6dh20 225bi 7bc71 8hb20 73cb5 4358i 36f86 79aa2 9ac61 5bh32
485   2.9 mean  2.4   4.1   2.6   2.2   3.1   3.9   3.2   2.8   2.5   2.6


485-01    (6dh20 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whom I would call The Most Omnipotent if indeed it made sense
> to use the modifier "most" with "Omnipotent",
>
>       Why is the duck-billed platypus?  Was it a rush job, or was God
> just drunk?
>                                       Signed, Incredulous

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please, feel free to say "most omnipotent". Never let grammar or
} logic stand in the way of a good grovel.
}
} Strangely enough, God does not drink. One would think this cosmos
} would drive any deity to drink (as it certainly has done to this
} one), but God limits Himself to the occasional glass of sherry,
} which might make Him tipsy enough to create the value-added tax,
} but could hardly be blamed for the platypus.
}
} No, the answer is far more crass: God created the platypus to
} drum up business. You are clearly not a devotee of one of the
} older organized religions. If you were, you would know that
} priests, sages, lamas, and so on have been dropping hints that
} they would explain the platypus for the past ten thousand years.
} Every day, countless millions of breathless worshippers say to
} each other, "Is *this* the day he'll explain the platypus?" Well,
} he won't. Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of scotch.


485-02    (225bi dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXE.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somewhere in the North Atlantic.  Aboard the USS Dallas
} -------------------------------------------------------
}
}   "Skipper, I've got something on passive!"
}   "What is it Jonesey?" the skipper scowled.  He was a good man, and he
} regarded this particular stretch of ocean as his own.  If there was a
} ship out there, his job was to destroy it.  Or die trying.
}   "I'm not sure.  It was a real strange noise.  I don't think I've
} heard anything like it.  Not since Cal Tech at least.  It was almost
} like someone," Jonesey paused, "well, like someone picked up the line on
} an active modem, sir." Jones had a thought what the strange noise might
} really be, but he knew that nobody would ever believe him.  At least
} not without proof.
}   "Well, keep an ear out for it.  Let me know the instant it returns."
}
} Langley Virginia, Central Intelligence Headquarters
} ---------------------------------------------------
}
}   "I know it's quitting time Jack, but I've got something I want you to
} see."
}   Jack Ryan sighed.  He desperately wanted to get home and see Cathy,
} his wife, but he also knew that if Admiral Greer wanted to keep him
} after work, that something pretty important was in the works.
}   "I'll be right there Admiral."  Jack hung up the phone, and grabbed
} his briefcase.  In ten minutes, he was in his boss' office.
}
}   "All right Jack, listen to this, and tell me what you think."  The
} Admiral played a fragment of tape.  All that Jack could hear were two
} drawn out pulses of noise.
}   "Where did this come from?"
}   "Come on, Jack, you know better than to ask me that."
} Jack frowned.  That meant that this was important, and that the Admiral
} was probably risking his commission just by playing the tape for him.
}   "It wouldn't by any chance be from the North Atlantic, would it?"
}   "What makes you think that?"
}   "Just that we know that the Russians have been trying to establish a
} secret Internet feed somewhere near Greenland, and that sequence you
} just played for me happens to be the tonal equivalent of the null
} message generated by a buggy newsreader, using the new news protocol
} for signature files.  But if that's true, then it means they are still
} using acoustic lines, and not fiber optics.  Why?"
}   "That's what we want you to find out."
}   "When do I leave?"
}   "Right now."
}
} Moscow, K.G.B. Headquarters
} ---------------------------
}
}   "Dostoy, you are a fool."  The Major was angry, and the pathetic worm
} before him had made yet another blunder.  Major Korsikov would have
} loved to have had Dostoy sent to a camp somewhere, but unfortunately
} the fool's brother served on the Politburo, and as such, he was
} untouchable.
}   "Please Vladimir, you know that it wasn not my fault.  And besides,
} no damage was done."
}   "No damage indeed.  You very nearly single handedly destroyed months
} of work.  If we do not establish this Internet feed, we will be unable
} to corrupt the west through Usenet news, and destroy the west's
} industrial backbone.  You are quite fortunate that nobody discovered
} your little blunder."
}
} Somewhere in the North Atlantic.  Aboard the USS Dallas
} -------------------------------------------------------
}
}   "Skipper, you're gonna hate this."
}   "What is it?"
}   "You remember that ex-Marine who decided he wanted to get on board
} when we were out to sea a few months back?"
}   "Ryan, the one that almost got himself and a couple of my men
} killed?"
}   "Yeah him.  Well, he's back."
}   "Shit."
}
}   Aboard the Navy helicoptor, Spirit of Duluth, Jack Ryan was
} remembering everything he hated about flying.  At least there were no
} storms this time. This time, the transfer to the Dallas was much
} smoother.  Soon, he was talking to the submarine's CO.
}
}   "So what you're telling me is that the Ruskies are building a secret
} Internet feed, right in our own backyard?"
}   "That's what it's starting to look like, yes.  And somehow, you
} managed to stumble right on it.  Where did you discover the noise?"
}   The captain was dubious, at best.  But still, Ryan had been right
} before, about the defecting Russian submarine.  For the time being at
} least, he probably deserved the benifit out the doubt.  He pointed to
} the map.
}   "Right here."
}   "Take me there."
}
} Three Days Later, aboard the Dallas
} -----------------------------------
}
}   "Well I'll be damned, there it is."  The Dallas had surfaced, and
} there floating on the water was an old PC with a phone and acoustic
} modem attached.  "Break out a raft."
}   Ryan, the captain, and Jones rowed out to the floating computer.
}   Suddenly Jonesey grinned like a cheshire cat.  "That was what was so
} familiar!" he exclaimed.
}   "What it is?"
}   "The tones, it wasn't ASCII sir?"
}   "So, we know that, I don't understand?"  Ryan was a little confused.
}   "No, that's just the point, it wasn't binary either.  The reason the
} Russians weren't able to compromise our system is that they were using
} EBDIC."  Jones smiled again, "I remember back at Cal Tech one time we
} tried to get the scheduling computer to output everthing in Latin.
} Well we couldn't do it until we..."
}   Fortunately for the bored occupants of the raft, they had reached the
} makeshift workstation.  Ryan picked up the phone and was greeted by
} horrendous static.
}   "Nasty," Jonesey muttered, "1200 baud."
}   Reaching around the back of the machine, Jack Ryan found the power
} switch and turned it off.  Finally, he thought, I can rest.
}
} Home of Dr and Dr Jack Ryan, Alexandria, Virginia
} -------------------------------------------------
}
}   Jack slipped into bed next to his wife.
}   "Mmm, back so soon," she muttered.
}   "This time for good," he replied, slipping his hand down her
} nightgown. Then the phone rang.
}   "Awww fuck," whined Cathy as her husband answered.


485-03    (7bc71 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand and mighty Oracle, for whom there is no substitute, please
> tell me:
>
> If Usenet were a vegetable, what would it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a viable third force in politics.


485-04    (8hb20 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle!
>
> Hear this insignificant one!  Hear this unworthy one!  Cast the eyes of
> wisdom down from the great height of Olympus and see this miniscule
> one! Impart the vast knowledge onto this one who knows not!  Answer
> this one's question!  One beseeches thee!
>
> The Queen is indolent.  The Queen is perverted.  She spends the long
> hours of the day with the worthless drones and does perform not her
> assigned duties. She does not lay eggs!  Without more sisters, one's
> hive will surely perish! So, Great Oracle, tell this insignificant
> worker how one may rebel against her Queen.
>
> Humbly yours, a Worker Bee.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You definitely have a problem.
}
} There seem to bee only a few ways to rebel against one's Queen.
}
} You could convince as many of your sisters as you can to sting humans.
} The humans will then destroy the hive, thus completing the revolt
} against the Queen.  This does have the unfortunate side affect of
} making you homeless.
}
} You could just go buy some insecticide.  Of course, this has the same
} unfortunate side affect.  You may also have to become a "Bee of the
} Night" to make the money.
}
} The final option is well documented in the Chivalric Code of Bee
} Royalty. You can challenge your Queen to single combat, hand to hand,
} wing to wing, stinger to stinger.  If you win, it's up to you to run
} the hive the way you see fit.
}
} You owe the Oracle some honey to spread on Lisa.


485-05    (73cb5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mister Oracle,
>
> I just wanted you to know that as the current holder of the rights to
> the query "How much wood could a woodchuck ckuck, if a woodchuck could
> chuck wood," I felt that it was my duty to point out the fact that my
> question has been used quite frequently by your clients, without paying
> me one cent of the royalties that I am owed.
>
> Also, pending the outcome of the IBM/Apple lawsuit, the rights to the
> woodchuck question still cover the rights to similar questions under
> the "look and feel" rules (eg. "How much work could a network work,"
> etc.)
>
> I wish to also make it clear that I do not blame you in this matter,
> however I politely ask that you inform all future supplicants that this
> question is clearly NOT in the public domain.  Question piracy is a
> serious matter these days, and given the amount of time it takes to
> both create and beta test a question, you can imagine the agony of
> seeing your own question being illegally pirated in an Oracularity.  So
> common is this practice, that occasionally I will discover a pirated
> version in circulaion, before the original question has even been
> released.  It is no wonder that many of the most creative questioners
> alive today have become frustrated, and no longer write queries, except
> as a hobby.  To counter this latter practise, I have begun imbedding
> serial numbers within questions to help track the source of would be
> pirates.  But these precautions take time which would be better spent
> in other avenues, and are often not foolproof.  N00142a.
>
> As one of the dying breed of third party question writers still working
> today, I feel these issues must be addressed before we are forced out
> of business entirely, and all that remains are the giant "question
> houses" who exist merely to churn out new releases of the same old
> tired questions.
>
> Thank you for your time,
> Steven Pinkerton,
> Querilous Inquiry Company, "We put the quest in question"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!
}
} I'd be happier than you if we could get rid of these stupid woodchuck
} (and woodchuck-esque) questions.  If it were up to me, I'd <ZOT!> every
} single one that comes my way, but Kinzler says we have
} question-answering standards to uphold.  Now, thanks to you, there is
} legal grounds for barring them altogether.
}
} I'll make sure this message gets posted in the Oracularities so that
} everyone can see it.  After that, if anyone does try to use your
} question, I hope you sue them for everything they have (after I've
} gotten my Oracular Fee, of course).
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  As a matter of fact, the Oracle owes you
} a fruit basket as thanks.


485-06    (4358i dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've had enough of your abuse!  I'm going back to ELIZA!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DO YOU FEEL GOING BACK TO ELIZA IS RIGHT?


485-07    (36f86 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Omnipotence, Creator of the universal chaos, please answer the
> question of this unworthy carbon-based lifeform:
>
> A question I've been asking myself for several years now:
>
> Why the hell should I ask you a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is glad you have finally decided to ask a question.
} Realizing that you need to ask a question is the first step toward
} receiving an answer.  You need to ask a question because only by
} asking questions can you reap the unfailing benefits of the Oracle
} 12-Step Recovery Program.  Please do come to our next OQA (Oracle
} Querents Anonymous) meeting in Bloomington next Saturday night, and in
} the meantime please study the 12 Steps of our program.
}
} THE ORACLE 12-STEP RECOVERY PROGRAM
}
} 1. I acknowledge that I am an unworthy carbon-based lifeform and that
} my sole reason for existence is to pose questions to the Oracle.
}
} 2. I realize that there is no question that I can ask the Oracle that
} the Oracle cannot answer.
}
} 3. I realize that there is no question that I can ask the Oracle that
} the Oracle has not heard an infinite number of times before.
}
} 4. This question is the first question of the rest of my life.
}
} 5. If I can't think of a question, that's okay too.  I will ask the
} Oracle why I can't think of a question.
}
} 6. I will never, never ask the woodchuck question.  Whenever I feel the
} urge to ask the woodchuck question I will telephone the next name on
} the OQA telephone tree and ask for help.
}
} 7. I rely for all my knowledge and inspiration on a higher power.
} Coffee.
}
} 8. Black coffee.
}
} 9. Every day in every way I am getting better.
}
} 10. I'm a querent and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I ask all day.
}
} 11. If the Oracle zots me, that's okay too.  I haven't failed, I'm
} just learning in a different way.
}
} 12. Oracle, could you remind me what step #12 was?
}
} ==
} You owe the Oracle $99.99 for his 3-videocassette home study self-help
} course.


485-08    (79aa2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one whose greatness would overflow this humble
> one's ability to type, please tell me:
>
> Why do you hate woodchucks so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not *hate* woodchucks, per se.  We - that's the Royal
} We (tm) - simply have taken up the conservative religious right's
} slogan: Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner.  We LOVE woodchucks (the cute,
} fuzzy little burrowing marmots make great casseroles, er, pets) but we
} HATE chucking.  You see, "chucking" has long been considered a sin as
} can be seen in the following passage taken from a Oracular Prophet's
} incription on a restroom wall in an Uzbekistan brothel:
}
} |And Gzettuulmh did hide himself in darkness
} |And Gzettuulmh's wife, Humhl begain the wailing
} |And Gzettuulmh did contrive to begin the commencement
} |And he chucketh, wantonly, with wood taken for the sacrement
} |
} |Yea, and verily the supplicants did rend their garments
} |Yea, and the supplicants did rend each other's garments
} |Yea, and one hell of a party did ensue
} |And The Oracle was one pissed entity for not being invited
} |And spake thusly: "Henceforth, nary one in my grace
} |Shall never not be unseen having not chucked things wooden"
} |
} |And the supplicants were confused.
} |And the Oracularity Priests were formed from
} |The Waters, The Earth, and The Free Agent Draft
} |And they spread The Word in their written Oracularities
} |Of the evils of chucking.
}
} (...followed by 20 stanzas discussing the similar sins of men walking
} down roads until they can become men, and asking questions regarding
} the meaning of life and how freshmen geeks can get laid...)
}
} So, you see, gentle supplicant, that We would not want to <Z_T> others
} for chucking, but, gosh, We seem to have created woodchucks without the
} ability to read, and supplicants without the ability to comprehend
} simple instructions.  Ingnorance is no excuse for not reading the
} Oracularities and breaking the divine commandments.  We take pity on
} the sinner by exterminating the sin.  It just so happens that the cure
} tends to be a little bit fatal, but rest assured, the SOUL is SAVED.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  In fact,  I'd just like to give you
} a little gift, a symbol of my appreciation for asking such a thoughful
} question.  Simply copy the data between the "begin" and "end"
} (inclusive) and run it through uudecode {if you aren't on UNIX, then
} you are DAMMED anyway} and read the new file called "gift".  Enjoy.
}
} begin 666 gift
} M6EI:6EH@(" @($]/3R @(" @5%145%0@(" @("$*(" @6B @(" @3R @($\@
} M(" @("!4(" @(" @("$*("!:(" @(" @3R @($\@(" @("!4(" @(" @("$*
} M(%H@(" @(" @3R @($\@(" @("!4"EI:6EI:(" @("!/3T\@(" @(" @5" @
} '(" @(" A"B @
}
} end
} [Be sure there's a single blank space on the line before the "end" -ed]


485-09    (9ac61 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wonderful of all oracles...you who span the universal dimentions
> of the universe, please answer me this question...
>
> What is the average mood swing of a woman???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey, Orrie!  Your Most Holy Fucking Mailer just dinged agai..."
} "What?"
} "No, wait, never mind. It was the clock chime.  Go back to sleep."
} "Ahh..."
}
} Okay, you twit.
} His High Eminence is out of the picture now, so I can let you know
} something without his hearing about it.  And... there; I've just
} deleted your mail from the traffic records, so he'll never miss you.
}
} First of all, you misspelled "dimensions".  That really gets me mad.
} My usual punishment for that sort of thing is crotch lice, and you
} can ask Dan Quayle about how good that feels.
}
} Second of all, you end a sentence with an ellipsis.  The punishment
} you'll get for that is equally uncomfortable, and non-fatal, so that
} you can live for a very long time with it:  painful rectal itch.
} You can ask George Bush where he gets the gallon-sized drums of
} Preparation H.
}
} And as for your question, you should realize that women do NOT have
} mood swings.  We are always angry and irritable and upset about the
} mind-boggling stupidities you men think and perform.  Living with
} men is like living with living with somebody who can only tell bad,
} unfunny jokes and who always has to prod you in the ribs after the
} punchline, only when we live with men the case is not hypothetical.
} The joke-telling part, I mean.  For the vast majority of the time,
} we keep our feelings hidden and nod politely and try not to wince
} too much, but we have to cut loose once in a while otherwise we'd
} just explode.
}
} If it weren't for the fact that men have their good points too,
} the women would've killed off all except some breeding stock
} millenia ago.  So learn to deal with our seemingly irrational
} anger.  And learn some better jokes.
}
} You owe Orrie a shave; he's a wonderful kisser but he scratches
} my face.
}
} "Zzznort* huh...?"
} "Go back to sleep dear, you're having a bad dream."
} "Lisaaahhzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz"
} "There's a good demigod."


485-10    (5bh32 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient Oracle, who knows all, sees all, does all,
>
> What do I have in my pocket?
>
> Yours truly,
> Bill

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of Correctional Wizardry
} Suite 42, Tower #2
} Mordor, Middle Earth
}
} Dear Mr. BoBaggins,
}       You are heretofore summoned to a meeting before a tribunal of
} wizards, sages, and other Powerful, Yet Only Mildly Malevolent Beings
} to discuss the case of a complaint by a Mr. Gollum concerning your
} basically unruly behavior towoards his person, as well as his
} accusations of theft of his property, namely one (1) ring of
} invisibility.  Also, since there is evidence that you have secreted
} this ring across the boundaries between nations, we are forced to bring
} up charges of smuggling against you.
}       Speaking on your behalf will be one Gandalf, Legal Wizard.  The
} prosecuting attorney will, of course, be Sauron the Nastily Evil.
} Since you have not yet reached one hundred years of age, you may
} request that you not be tried as an adult.
}       Failure to respond to this notice within a fortnight may incur an
} additional penalty of a *ZOT*, provided by our friend the Usenet
} Oracle, visiting from the future as Guest Punisher for this century.
}
}                                       (illegible)
} enclosures


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