[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:26:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #493

Goto:
493, 493-01, 493-02, 493-03, 493-04, 493-05, 493-06, 493-07, 493-08, 493-09, 493-10


Usenet Oracularities #493    (37 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1992 13:16:50 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   493
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

493   37 votes 4e982 5j742 14da9 79b64 45d96 47bb4 479d4 1a78b 3588d 027ai
493   3.2 mean  2.7   2.4   3.6   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.5   3.6   4.2


493-01    (4e982 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who knows all the details of the computer industry,
> why is it that the serial numbers on computer cards are printed so that
> you have to open the computer to read them, once you have them
> installed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is fairly simple, actually. It's a kind of reverse-insurance
} fraud. Put simply, you can't register the board for insurance purposes
} without knowing the serial number, you can't get at the serial number
} without opening the case, and opening the case invalidates your
} guarantee. So, unless you get the serial number beforehand, you cannot
} get the board guaranteed, and so if anything goes wrong they can
} happily charge you full price to fix it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 100 terabyte hard disk that fits in half a slot.


493-02    (5j742 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knock Knock.
>
> Who's there?
>
> Banana.
>
> Knock Knock.
>
> Who's there?
>
> Banana.
>
> Knock Knock.
>
> Who's there?
>
> Orange.
>
> Orange who?
>
> Orange ya glad I didn't say banana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Oracle would rather you had said "banana" again.
}
} I can't imagine anybody over the age of five finding that amusing.
}
} Ideally, you should have exploded into innumerable fragments rather
} than saying anything.


493-03    (14da9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Praiseworthy and honorable ancient Oracle,
>       Every woman who has ever fallen in love with me has severe
> psychological problems.  Am I doomed never to know the love of a woman
> who is sane?  I'm not talking about pleasant eccentricities or harmless
> delusions, but rather severe depression, bipolar disorder, and
> schizophrenia.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have forgotten that little deal you made with my poker buddy,
} the one in the red suit, haven't you?  You know, you give him your
} soul and you get to "drive women crazy"?  Well, now that it's not what
} you expected, don't come whining to me.  Remember: you should read the
} fine print before you sign anything.
}
} You owe the oracle a deck of cards and a bag of assorted nuts.


493-04    (79b64 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Cheez Wiz, the All-knowing and All-powerful Oracle, this
> pitiful little retch humbly asks of you...
>
> Who the hell is on the other side of this...?{rlinn@fscvax.fsc.vax.edu}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hang on, I'll have a look....
}
} {ude.xav.csf.xavcsf@nnilr}
}
} Nothing on this side except an electron gun, but in the background I
} can see an incredibly ugly face looking at me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question which doesn't make him wretch.


493-05    (45d96 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most magnificent Omnipotence.
>
> What is the origin of the phrase "Bugger off you old fart"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As it turns out, the expression "bugger off" has nothing to do with
} insects.  It originally comes from the Sanskrit "Bhu-karof," which was
} the name of the first family of declared Republicans found in
} Indo-European regions.  It has since evolved into "bugarov," which is
} Byelorussian tripe, and of course "Bulgarian." Its entry into the
} English language comes from Sanskrit to the German "bu:gerhofen," which
} means to fling snot at someone (essentially, "booger-off"), and through
} the French "bougaire oeuf," which means to (figuratively or literally)
} pellet someone with old eggs with runny yolks.
}
} The word "you," as everyone knows, orginated in the Chinese as "Yu^",
} which means "thick-headed listener," i.e. whomever is dumb enough to be
} sitting there, listening to whatever silly things I am saying.  The
} negative connotations of "yu^" have also made their way into the
} English exclamation "Yow!"
}
} "Old fart" appears to be a very English phrase, whose etymology before
} Shakespeare's time is downright uncertain.  It's first known use was in
} one of Shakespeare's lesser-known works, _Romeo and Jules_, which may
} have had a lack of success due to the morals of Elizabethan England.
} In any case, the passage reads
}
}                               and perhaps this sodden, dreary fellow
}       This olde farte 'pon whom Dame Fortune was ne'er wont to smile
}       This sad sack, this foul-mouthed, wretched, heaving lump of lard,
}       Nay, even he doth not deserve to be locked in a room with
}       Rabid, balding Feminists.
}                               (_Romeo and Jules_, I.iv, lines -6 to -2)
}
} The word "farte" may have come from the German word "farven," or "to
} expel fumes as if from really old socks," which has found its way into
} such modern contrivances as "fahrvergnugen," the Yiddish "farblondjet,"
} and the group called "The Far Corporation," which did a remake of
} _Stairway to Heaven_ which truly stank.
}
} "Old," of course, is such an old word that nobody has a clue as to it
} origins.
}
} You owe the Oracle an OED, PDQ.


493-06    (47bb4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most^^^''''[[PP[sorry, ther^[[P''"electrical storm^[[P''''sfsdkjfu
> my questi5'''"""''""''with a dil U&(&*plenty of fun&*"::"L":shiL:":L
> #@EDFCB woodchuck soup(*&*U  N >Y >*U(OK"OKsodomy"P(UU(IP "&^Fbugger

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No need to apologize, gentle reader, The Oracle is prepared for ANY
} such interruptions...let's see here...
}
} [BEEP]
}
} GodOS v234.3241.1 (oracle.personal) <<>> Beta Version
}
} login: root
} password:
}
} No mail for root.
}
} >>> Good morning, Oracle.
}
} oracle> Hello.  I am in need of the most recent version of
} VAXtrapolator. Please load and run it.
}
} >>> Certainly.  One moment please...
}
} Searching...found "VAXtrapolator".
} Loading VAXtrapolator.
}
}    - VAXtrapolator v6.23.1 - Universal Extrapolation Utility
}
} Please input text to be translated.  Use command "~r" to read a file.
}
} .~r question.43075
} Reading file question.43075...done.
}
} Translating...one moment please...
}
}  - Trying "Hebrew"...failed.
}  - Trying "Middle English"...failed.
}  - Trying "Telecommunication Interference from Electrical Storm"...Ok.
}
} Working...done.
} Translation follows:
}
} O most (sorry, there's an electrical storm here) wise and patient
} Oracle, my question is this:  I live with a dilettante (granted, she's
} plenty of fun), but her interest lies only in roadkill cuisine: namely
} woodchuck soup.  My interest in her has waned, and the only logical
} recourse is sodomy with a can of Raid (tm) Debugger.  Don't you agree?
}
} >>> Done.
} VAXtrapolator - endrun.
}
} oracle> ^D
} Root logged out.  Have a nice millenium!
}
} There, now we may proceed with a bit of coherency...
}
}   First off, dilettante's on ANY subject are an abomination to
} humankind. It has been my experience that they are most often
} authorities on *no* topics of worth, and your friend's choice of
} specialties is ample proof that, once again, the Oracle is correct.
}   However, one should NEVER resort to sodomy on any level...unless the
} recipient is either willing or Republican.
}   So, it is my judgement (and thusly yours, mortal) that you should
} immediately bring your friend to the attention of Greenpeace or some
} other fanatic, right-wing environmental organization.  They are quite
} renowned for dealing with such people in ways not rivaled since the
} Roman Catholics got a tad carried away a few years back.  Rest assured,
} my friend, that she will endure pain and suffering equal to, if not
} greater than, anything you and the Raid people could hope to invoke.
}
} You owe the Oracle the recipe for Woodchuck Soup.  Hey, even the
} omniscient have cravings...


493-07    (479d4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're scum! You're nothing but scum! You've always been scum!
>
> You wouldn't know wisdom if it came up behind you and bit you
> on the ass!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene:  A dim, dank, foul-smelling computer lab.  A frenzied,
} sweaty, disillusioned supplicant (who also smells rather foul)
} crouches over a terminal, muttering under his breath, "scum, scum..."
} He finishes typing, hits a key with a burst of finality, and breaks
} into manaiacal laughter.
}
} Suddenly, a loud *POOF* is heard.  A large Marine leading a donkey
} on a tether appears out of nowhere behind the supplicant.  The
} supplicant winces, turns around, and gives a start of surprise
} and fear.
}
} The Marine barks, "Are you responsible for this?"  He gestures
} toward the rear end of the donkey, where there is a set of
} teeth marks, still bleeding, on the poor animal's flesh.  The
} supplicant stares, and stammers wordlessly.  The Marine then
} says sternly, "And is your name Henry F. Wizdum?"  The supplicant
} cringes, and the Marine shouts, "Answer me!  Is your name Henry F.
} Wizdum?"  The poor supplicant shivers uncontrollably, and manages
} to squeak out a high-pitched, "Y-yes.."
}
} The Marine smiles evilly, and takes a radio from his belt.  "Sarge,"
} he says, "we got him.  I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him
} that he was the one who bit your ass."  He clicks the radio off,
} and smirks at the supplicant.  "You're going straight to the boss,"
} he chuckles.  "Next time, if there IS a next time, remember that
} 'scum' rearranged spells USMC."
}
} *POOF*


493-08    (1a78b dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail great Oracle!
> Your claws are sharper than a serpent's tooth!
> Your tail is bushier than Amenhotep's wig!
> Your whiskers are wider than the Nile!
> Your purr is deeper than an earthquake!
>
> Oracle, I am puzzled.
> When my humans are not actively employed in doing my bidding,
> they tend to sit around staring at a noisy box.
>
> What do they think they see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhh, finally!  A supplicant I can RESPECT!!
}
} To understand the mystery of the "noisy box," you must first understand
} the limitations of humans.   They lack the independence and
} self-servingness of your species, as well as your superior hunting
} instincts, cunning, and agility.  The box attempts to replace some of
} these deficiencies, satisfying these and other basic needs, much as you
} have the humans (and, more importantly, their furniture) to satisfy
} yours.
}
} What the people are staring at is not the box itself, but illusions
} projected onto the front of it.  These pictures relieve them of the
} personal independence which they find so intolerable -- force-feeding
} them somebody else's concept of entertainment, informing them of things
} happening to other people, and telling them which products to buy for
} you.  This nurturing and assuming of responsibility is very similar to
} a mother's care, which humans seem to have need for even into adulthood
} and which is why the box is often referred to as "the boob tube."
}
} In addition, the tube prevents them from an overwhelming inferiority
} complex related to your own aptitude...   Because humans as a rule are
} not agile and intelligent, the illusions provide them with an indirect
} ego boost by showing them the minority of people who ARE quick, agile,
} cunning, or otherwise somehow capable.   The most popular diversion of
} this nature involves two groups of physically superior humans pitted in
} combat over an oblong leather trophy, and is usually an occasion for
} social gatherings around the tube at which they eat and drink "beer" (a
} form of peoplenip) and become even LESS physically able.  Other than
} that, the most common tube-picture is a shorter set of repetitive and
} over-used ideas and gimmicks which are supposed to induce the watcher
} into "laughing."    Why humans need to do such a thing is beyond me.
} *I* certainly would never have any involvement with it.
}
} That is all the information I can provide for you at this time.  Please
} feel free to drop by again in a few lives.   In the meantime,
} remember-- don't go for that ball of string.  It'll never do anything
} back to you, and the humans just think it's "cute."  Scratch THEM up
} instead!!   They love it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the Jellicle Ball.


493-09    (3588d dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, Mr. Oracle, I've got a problem.  You know how there are supposed
> to be daemons in Unix machines but they're not supposed to get out?
> Well, it looks like one of mine did get out.  I think it's cron,
> because he keeps looking at his watch and muttering, "Ahhhhm, five
> minutes 'til feeding time," and looking at me with this hungry look in
> his eye, only it's not always five minutes.  He just said it's four
> now.  So, like, what should I do?  He looks hungry enough to eat a ...
> user?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get yourself an apple, a worm, a razorblade and some superglue.
} Quickly cut the worm in three pieces with the razorblade. Use
} the superglue to put it back according to this diagram.
}
}       OOOOOOO   OOOOOOOO   OOOOOOO     (Divided worm)
}             !      !         !
}             !      +---------+--+
}             !                !  !
}             !       +--------+  !
}             !       !           !
}       OOOOOOO    OOOOOOOO   OOOOOOO   (Glue the parts together
}                                        like this.)
}
} Then eat the apple, get in front of the daemon, dump the
} core of the apple and have the worm to complain about its
} segmentation fault.
}
} You owe the oracle some root beer.


493-10    (027ai dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         [Scene:  the bridge of the starship _Enterprise_]
>
> Sulu:   Object to starboard, Captain.
>
> Spock:  It is the Usenet Oracle.
>
> Kirk:   Mr. Sulu, set a course for it.
>
> Sulu:   [casually flips a few switches, then flips them back and
>         forth a few times, a bit more frantically]  No response
>         from helm, sir.
>
> Kirk:   Manual override!
>
> Sulu:   [flips a few more switches back and forth]  Still nothing,
>         sir.
>
> Kirk:   Bypass!
>
> Sulu:   [a few more switches]  Helm control restored, Captain.
>
> Chekov: Brilliant, Keptin!  You know, the bypass system was
>         inwented in Russia.
>
> Spock:  The bypass system was designed by engineers at Starfleet
>         Academy, in San Francisco, Ensign.
>
> Chekov: Well, Starfleet Academy...
>
> Kirk:   Bridge to Engineering.
>
> Scott:  Engineering.  Scott here.
>
> Kirk:   Engage the groveller, Mr. Scott.
>
> Scott:  The groveller wasna designed for our system, sair.  She'll
>         likely overload!
>
> Kirk:   It's a chance we'll have to take, Mr. Scott.  Engage!
>
> Scott:  Aye.  [trembles and sweats, as he slowly presses the button
>         on the groveller]
>
> Groveller:  Oracle.  [Makes a horrendous buzzing sound.  Sparks fly,
>         and smoke billows out of the groveller.]
>
> Kirk:   "Oracle"?  That's it?
>
> Scott:  She overloaded, sair!
>
> Kirk:   How long to repair, Scotty?
>
> Scott:  The database is completely burned out, sair!  At least
>         twenty minutes.
>
> Kirk:   Spock!  Sensor readings!
>
> Spock:  The Oracle is showing signs of impatience.  Understandable,
>         since this is the fifty-ninth line, and we have yet to
>         produce a grovel, or even a question for the Oracle.
>
> Kirk:   We don't have twenty minutes, Scotty!  You've got five!
>
> Scott:  Aye, sair.
>
> Kirk:   We may have to come up with a grovel without the machine.
>         Spock?
>
> Spock:  "Oracle, most logical..."
>
> McCoy:  Blast it, Spock!  Not everybody is so hung up on logic as
>         you are!  The Oracle doesn't want to hear about logic!
>
> Spock:  The Oracle is known to be highly intelligent, Doctor.
>
> McCoy:  I rest my case!
>
> Kirk:   Well, so much for Spock's grovel.  You got a better idea,
>         Bones?
>
> McCoy:  How about, "Oracle, most _il_logical"?
>
> Spock:  Doctor, your failure to grasp the simple virtue of logic
>         never ceases to amaze me.  It would be interesting to see
>         the Oracle incarnated as you; the resulting stream of bad
>         Oracularities would be most amusing.
>
> Kirk:   Gentlemen, this isn't getting us anywhere.  Chekov?
>
> Chekov: "Oracle, most Russian..."
>
> Kirk:   That's a grovel?
>
> Chekov: Eet ees a wery high compliment, Keptin!
>
> Kirk:   Scotty!  What've you got down there?
>
> Scott:  I replaced the database with items from my quarters, sair.
>
> Kirk:   Good work, Scotty!  Engage the groveller!
>
> Groveller:  "Oracle most grand, who could drink a hundred Scotsmen
>         under the table (or a thousand Irishmen), who has a blue
>         first-place ribbon under his kilt..."
>
> Kirk:   A blue *what*?
>
> Scott:  Have ya never haird the one 'bout the Scotsman an' the blue
>         ribbon?
>
> Spock:  A very crude joke, Captain.  Undoubtedly, not an appropriate
>         first impression for a respresentative of the Federation.
>         It would be most illogical to employ such a grovel for our
>         meeting with the Oracle.
>
> McCoy:  Now listen here, you pointy-eared Vulcan!  Scotty's grovel
>         may not be based on so-called "universal virtues" like
>         virtues, but at least it has character-- which is more than
>         can be said for yours!
>
> Spock:  "&$%@! Oracle" would also have character, Doctor, yet I
>         would hardly recommend it.
>
> Kirk:   Damn.  I can't believe we've come all this way, to be
>         stopped by a lack of grovelling material!
>
> Spock:  In chess, when one has insufficient material, the game is
>         over.  Checkmate.
>
> Kirk:   Not chess, Mister Spock--  Poker!  Lieutenant Uhura, hail
>         the Oracle!
>
> Uhura:  Hailing frequencies open, sir.
>
> Kirk:   Oracle.  This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation
>         Starship Enterprise.  Our mission is one of peace, but we
>         have the means to defend ourselves, and will use it if
>         necessary.  I warn you not to test us.  We have a device
>         called Corbomite.  If anyone or anything attempts to <ZOT!>
>         this vessel, the Corbomite absorbes the energy, and
>         generates a counter<ZOT!> of equal magnitude, destroying the
>         attacker.  [gestures]
>
> Uhura:  Hailing frequencies closed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Corbomite?  Feh.  The Oracle is all-seeing, and It knows that
}         there is no such thing as corbomite.
}
}                       <ZOT>
}
} [The Enterprise explodes.  The Oracle is not affected.]
}
} Oracle: Good riddance.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM Contact oracle-web@cs.indiana.edu